How Will Smith's Revelation About Love Helped My Marriage
Ever since I was a younger, I looked forward to being a whole grown ass woman, more than I ever looked forward to being a wife. In fact, a few years ago when I did get married, the one area I struggled in was the idea of partnership and teamwork. Those first few months of marriage as we faced our new lives as a married couple, not to mention embarking on parenthood for the first time as well, were a constant tug-of-war in which my husband had to repeatedly remind me that I didn't have to take on every responsibility. Until then, I hadn't realized how often I assumed I had to foot the bill for dinner, drive our daughter to appointments, or even wash the dishes every night until he would chime in with, "You know you don't always have to do everything yourself."
Up until then, I had always associated help with dependency, but it was exhausting me in the process. I soon realized having help is a good thing when it comes from a place of love and a genuine desire to want to make someone's else's life a little easier. But asking for help doesn't have to equal waiting for a hero, and actor Will Smith recently shared some thoughts that shed light on the difference.
In the video, Smith reflects on a conversation he had with wife Jada some time ago in which he asked what was the biggest revelation she had about love. The Girls Trip star responded, "You can't make a person happy."
Smith goes on to unpack this idea, basically saying that happiness is an individual pursuit, and that when people enter a relationship thinking it will magically solve all of their problems or fill pre-existing voids, they set their unions up for failure. The star of Netflix's Bright says it's because many fall into the "false romantic concept" that marriage is about completion or two people becoming one (I blame Tom Cruise's iconic line in that damn Jerry Maguire movie.)
Smith says over the course of their twenty-year marriage, they both realized that marriage was less about traveling in the same car together as much it was riding beside another along the same road:
"What we realized was that we were two completely separate people on two completely separate individual journeys and that we were choosing to walk our separate journeys together."
He goes on to say that when it comes to happiness, it's something that one has to define on their own:
"We decided that we were gonna find our individual, internal, private separate joy and then we were gonna present ourselves to the relationship and to each other already happy. Not coming to each other with our empty cups out."
Some might question what is even the point of entering marriage, a long-term relationship, or any fulfilling connection with someone if you can't find happiness in it? I don't think that's what Smith is getting at. My mother, like many black moms, always had the same piece of advice when it came to any situation I was confronted with that I was afraid to take on alone: "You came into this world by yourself, and you're going to die by yourself."
It doesn't mean that you have to be totally self-reliant every second of the day, but what it does mean is that no one relationship should make or break your purpose, sense of self, and ability to be at peace with life as you know it at any one moment.
With that said, what I now recognize is that my spouse and I work as a team.
We build with each other and contribute the strengths we have to try and support the other's weaknesses, but it doesn't mean one life falls apart without the other. But even before I was married, I enjoyed my life, and I knew what my purpose was in it. I worked to fill my life with experiences, things, and people that helped me grow and my spouse simply enhances my situation. So often people enter relationships expecting that a compliment from a partner can replace self-esteem or believe that creating an unconditional bond with someone will somehow make up for those that abandoned them in past. Smith reminds that we have to work on ourselves by ourselves and while that doesn't guarantee you'll enter a relationship flawless and without baggage, it's unfair to expect that one person can right all of the wrongs in your life:
"It's unfair and it's kind of unrealistic and can be destructive to place the responsibility for your happiness on anybody other than yourself."
In "If You're Waiting For Your Husband To Make You Happy, You're Doing It Wrong", blogger Krishann Briscoe touched on how the idealization of one person to be your source of happiness places them in a position that's impossible to hold for long:
"When you aren't depending on your husband to fill you up, then he can make mistakes and you are still okay. He can say the wrong thing and you can forgive him quickly. He can struggle and question his direction and you don't fall into despair. He can be your partner and your friend because he does not have to be your savior."
In short, the tried and true saying remains: How can you expect anyone to enjoy your company, if you don't even enjoy your own company?
You have to define happiness on your terms and be confident in the fact that you can want your partner, and even feel uncomfortable without them, without needing them. What does that look like in day to day life? In addition to regular date nights and Netflix binges that we enjoy as a couple, my husband likes working on muscle cars. I like planning trips and drowning in Tidal playlists when he and my three-year-old go to bed. It means we cohabitate, love, and build a life together without abandoning the personal paths we've maintained on our own.
While we can share those experiences with each other, we both know that happiness and joy isn't something totally held hostage by the other. We enhance each other's life in a way that doesn't leave an empty space when the other doesn't or can't show up.
How do you know when you're whole or happy?
You ever see those people who enter relationships and suddenly everything is on hold? These are the people who only focus on their personal goals in between relationships. Immediately after a break up, they retreat to their checklist of going back to school, starting a business, or getting in shape.
Wholeness and happiness happen when you feel you don't have to choose between your goals as an individual and your relationship.
Being married doesn't mean I won't keep pursuing my dreams as a writer or wait to go to Alaska when my husband's schedule clears up. Any partner that's worth having will recognize and respect the woman you were before him and will want to uplift that person, without feeling like she'll fall to the ground in his absence.
What does it mean to be "whole" and how do you define happiness as an individual?
I asked some of my friends and family members who are married or in long-term relationships to share their thoughts on what partners are responsible for bringing to the relationships.
You can read their thoughts below:
"I read an article recently about an older married couple that started asking each other, 'What can I do to make your day better?' Simple but effective. My partner and I started doing this. While you have to make yourself happy, I think part of a partner's job is to make one's life easier. To push each other and enrich your lives as well, but if you aren't making my life better what are you around for? I like this tactic."
- J. Harris, engaged and with partner for almost 4 years
"Marriage has taught me that happiness is a choice. As Will stated, it is not our responsibility to make our partner happy at all times. I have learned that I should not give someone that much power over my happiness as well. That's too great of a responsibility and truthfully, power over me. I love when my husband is happy, but I had to let go of my preconceived notions that I can be the sole reasoning for his happiness or sadness...And, frankly sometimes it doesn't have anything to even do with me. Marriage is definitely a journey."
"We were once at a terrible point in our relationship, and when we unpacked, dissected, and got down to the bottom of our issues I realized many of them were HIS issues. Now, I don't mean like, me being unsupportive, but like issues from his childhood, that I can't remedy. I was too much of a team player, and I had to learn to let some of that go. At heart I am a nurturer and a caregiver. I want to fix the world, but I can't do that for everyone. In the end I had to learn to be more selfish. Giving too much can also be detrimental as well. So, I guess it was a mix of realizing I can't be his everything, and I need to be more of my own person/savior/friend."
- C. Tinsley, married for 8 years
"Growing up we are often subliminally taught that finding the "right person" makes us whole. For a long time I believed this to be true. However, being in a 12 year relationship has proven me wrong. My partner can be doing all he can to make sure I'm happy, but I've noticed that what he does, does not equate to my individual happiness day in, and day out. Sure, I feel loved; but not always happy. I agree when Will Smith said, 'You have to find your own happiness.' We have to be happy with ourselves, or nothing will seem good enough. With this said, I feel we should take time to figure out what we require individually before adding another person onto our world. I can't say specifically what can make someone happy or whole before entering a relationship, because it is different for everyone, but I will say again, learn what you need without someone else."
- K. Antoinette, in a long term relationship for 12 years
"People going into relationships and marriages thinking they are finding a missing part of themselves are in for a rude awakening. The emotions and the emotional things you've felt before entering a relationship/ marriage, will still be there after the big day is over. Now you just have a person to go through the storm with you. That person is not gonna void out those emotions or 'unpleasant' feeling.
"Happiness is an individual thing. You have to make yourself happy. No matter who's in your life, you need to come to the "table" already whole."
- C. Jones, married for 4 months
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Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
____
Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images