Why I Named The Children I Aborted
Recently, I read something that, on many levels, I can personally relate to. The title of the article was "This Is What No One Tells You About Being Child-Free In Your 40s". Like the author, I'm also in my 40s and I don't have children. But if I were to alter the title to fit my own situation, it would probably be something along the lines of "This Is What No One Warns You About Before You Get on an Abortion Table".
From 1993-1999, I had a total of four abortions. One day, I'll share what I believe led me to make those decisions. For now, I'll just say that obviously, I'm no poster child for the pro-life movement. However, I can provide some "hindsight wisdom" and regrets, so if you're considering having an abortion (especially if you're a woman of color), I would encourage you to first read think pieces like Abortion as Black Genocide: Inside the Black Anti-Abortion Movement and What Margaret Sanger Really Said About Eugenics and Race.
Abortion is a multi-layered issue. And no matter what political side of it you might be on, I think we can all agree that there is so much more to the topic than what meets the eye.
Anyway, what I want to share with you today isn't about getting into if abortion is right or wrong. Personally, I will say that even when I was getting mine, I never believed it was a wise or even good thing to do. But when you come from childhood abuse and you compound that with allowing fear—and really bad advice from so-called friends and sex partners—to motivate your decisions, you can end up doing things that you don't truly see the magnitude of until many years later.
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Take my final abortion (which happened on December 4, 1999), for example. I know I heard God say, "I promise you don't want to do this," yet in my mind I thought, I'm 25 and healthy. I've got time to have more children.
Hmph. Life comes at you fast. Although I'm not officially perimenopause yet, what I am is 44 and not in a serious relationship or sexually active. Yep…it's looking like I won't be having any children, at least from my own womb. God gave me the heads up that this could be my reality almost 20 years ago.
How do I feel about that?
I feel a lot of things. Something that immediately comes to mind is, how I felt about my pregnancies when I was in my 20s is very different from how I feel about them now. Personally, I always find it interesting that when someone wants to get pregnant and their pregnancy test has a positive result, they immediately say "I'm having a baby!" yet somehow if someone doesn't want a child and they find out they're pregnant, suddenly there's a debate on whether the embryo is truly a baby or not. Things that make you go hmm…
Personally, what I know for sure is that when you do get pregnant, it changes your life forever, no matter what ends up happening (you keep the baby, you miscarry, you give the child up for adoption, or you have an abortion). I also believe that when you choose to abort, you oftentimes only think about your present life, not your—or your child's—future. And when the future finally arrives, if you're not careful, or emotionally prepared, it can hit you hard. Really hard.
I know this for a fact because I know women who had abortions decades ago who still cry at diaper commercials, carry a sense of guilt now that they are now raising children, or they have a cryptic undercurrent of shame or anger; not just because of their decision to terminate their pregnancy, but because they've never really known how to heal from it. Fully heal from it.
Me? I think a part of the reason why I am able to speak so freely and open about my experiences is because I have found a way to heal that has worked for me. It's unconventional, no doubt. But it's brought me peace of mind.
What do I do? I wear a hoodie.
OK, it's a little bit deeper than that. I wear a hoodie that has a "4" in the middle of it and the words "tamer", "life", "miracle of life" and "peaceful" around it. What is that about? Those are the meanings of the names I gave my four aborted children—Damien, Ava, Nasya, and Solomon (in that order).
Again, I don't expect everyone to agree with how I view aborted children, but the reason why I decided to name mine is connected to a scripture in the Bible: Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward (Psalm 127:3—NKJV) and I couple that with, For You formed my inward parts; you covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well (Psalm 139:13-14—NKJV).
Given the kind of men I conceived with (not perfect, but smart and ambitious individuals), on this side of life, it's hard for me to not think of what my children could've accomplished on this earth, had I chosen to carry them to term. And the thoughts of that? That reality hits me like a ton of bricks—at times.
And so, I figured that since I will never see their purpose manifested, the least I could do is give them names that speak to purpose and life and then commit to living those words out in their honor. In other words, since I kept them from living out their purpose, I commit to trying to do it for them.
Every day, on some level, I say to myself, "I need to tame any 'crazy' down a bit. I need to embrace life and the miracle of it. And I need to strive for inner peace." And you know what? It's amazing. Although it's not the same thing as having a (now) 25, 24, 22, and almost 20-year-old in my life, it does make me feel like I learned some life-altering lessons from my abortions—and that I am doing what I can to make an amends.
I know not everyone feels like I do about their past abortion(s) or abortions, in general. I get that. However, if you are a woman who's had one and you can't seem to get past it, maybe doing what I did can help.
Terminating a pregnancy doesn't have to ruin your life. Find some purpose in the experience.
I did.
I live it out every single day.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage