Why I Don't "Cut People Off" Anymore, I Release Them Instead
Although I'm not the most conventional Christian on the planet, the Bible, hands down, is one of my favorite books. I really like John 14:26 (Amplified) where Christ says he will leave us with a Comforter, the Holy Spirit.
Man, with this planet constantly acting like it's having a nervous breakdown, "comfort" is exactly what a lot of us need.
Don't worry, I'm not about to go all "church" on you. It's just that, when it comes to my own conscious and its instructions, I personally believe the Comforter is the voice that I hear. A big part of the reason is due to something I'm about to share with you.
This coming March, my dad will have been gone for five years. He left me (because when you really love someone, that's exactly what it feels like when someone dies) three months before my 40th birthday. He was a brilliant and broken man who loved me deeply and loathed himself—and a lot of his family. Trust me, when it came to his family, he had just cause. Anyway, because of all of the loathing, he was an on-and-off-again substance abuser for basically all of my life. In March, his demons got the best of him. I'll leave it at that.
Getting the news that he was gone was indescribable in a lot of ways, but catch how the Comforter works. The December prior to my father's death, my conscious—the Comforter—said, "You need to release your father's family." That might sound extreme but we didn't have a Hallmark movie kind of dynamic anyway (I didn't even know who my father's father was until I was 12—it's a long story). I was more…tolerated than anything, so releasing them wasn't all that emotionally-challenging to do. I sent them an email, shared the word "release" that I was given and that was that.
What I couldn't shake was the fact that the word that was in my spirit was "release". Not abandon. Not hate. Not "cut off", which is how I used to roll. RELEASE.
When my father's father reached out that following March to share the news about my father's passing, I told him that I didn't have the energy to make him feel better about how poor of a parent he had been to my father. It wasn't until three months after my dad's death that I got the details I was looking for surrounding it all. I only got that because I reached out to my father's father to get them. When I asked his wife why he didn't share them with me on his own, she said—and I quote—"He decided that you didn't want to be bothered."
Release. If that word had not been a part of my psyche, I would've hit the roof—and then some! I'm my father's only child, we spoke every Sunday for as long as I could remember and his on-again-off-again dad decided what I did and didn't need to know about the man who helped to create me? Hmph. A myriad of cuss words still immediately come to mind even as I'm typing this out but…I digress.
Why? The answer lies in the reason why I'm sharing all of this with you in the first place.
A lot of us are emotionally-fragile. That's not a bad thing. In a world that's filled with so much selfishness and apathy, being sensitive can be a blessing (don't let anyone tell you otherwise). But what I've discovered in my own life is when someone hurts me, "cutting them off" tends to be the emotionally immature way to handle matters. It's experiencing a violent and painful blow due to something that they do or say to me with my then deciding to do something equally as violent and painful by CUTTING THEM out of my life. Meanwhile, all cutting them off actually does is make everything more difficult, agonizing—HARD.
Release on the other hand? Release means "to free from anything that restrains, fastens, etc." Release means "to allow to be known, issued, done, or exhibited". Release means to "let go". See how much more healthy and productive that all sounds?
No matter how much someone has hurt me when I look at things from the perspective of "release", it reminds me that sometimes relationships must come to an end—or at least, a very long "pause"—so that both individuals can grow separately before coming back together. Why? So that both people can feel "free", so that both people can be "allowed" to do their own self-work. Release reminds me that letting go makes endings a lot less violent and painful.
The Comforter is dope.
The death of my dad devastated me enough without going through even more pain by dealing with his family members. "Releasing" made it all easier to bear. Since then, as other relationships and situations have shifted, the practice of releasing has made those easier to handle too because I've learned that when we try and force things to be other than what they are, that's what puts us in harm's way the most.
But when someone hurts us—or a matter happens that we have a difficult time accepting—and we RELEASE it all? It's basically saying, "I don't like this, but I'm not going to fight it either. I'm going to let it go, nurture myself and…we'll see." Cutting off is more like, "I don't like this but since you were violent towards me, I'm going to try and make you hurt just as much. I'm going to be so focused on that, that I won't have time to heal and let seasons happen as they should."
See the difference?
It really wasn't until my forties that I learned how to release people, places, things, and ideas. Prior to that, I did A LOT of "cutting off". So, if you happen to be someone who I did that to, I apologize. Please forgive me for not knowing better.
Pain cuts off. Healing releases.
Thankfully, I am much healthier now—and in a whole lot less pain because of it.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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ItGirl 100: Get To Know Some Of The Most Inspiring And Empowering Women On Our List
The ItGirl 100 List, in partnership with Hyundai, is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
We often see lists featuring amazing women who are seasoned in this thing called life, and our ItGirl 100 List gives flowers to the people they’ve passed the torch to: young millennial and Gen Z women who are innovating and disrupting in today’s world of advancement.
xoNecole has partnered with Hyundai for its inaugural ItGirl 100 List to give these women their flowers today. It’s a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who have built their own tables, launched new businesses, and redefined what it truly means to be blessed, booked, and busy.
Here’s a snapshot of fun facts from a few of the women listed on the ItGirl 100, representing the East, West, Midwest, and South:
EAST
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DJ 9AM: DJ & Curator
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "On My Mama" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Nia Long
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Taurus Moon, Pisces Rising
Favoring open-format, multi-genre mixes, this DJ has created a winning reputation for rocking a crowd with seamless transitions and selections, always representing Southwest musical and cultural influences.
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Tiffany James, Founder, Modern BLK Girl
Representing:Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Lucky Girl" by Carlina
Favorite OG It Girl:Naomi Campbell
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Virgo Rising
Modern BLK Girl is one of the leading investment groups among women of color, and the founder serves as an avid investor, community builder, and advocate. Tiffany James is also a mentor, utilizing her unique combination of financial and fashion expertise.
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Kat Mateo, Casting Director
Representing: New Jersey
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Princess Going Digital" by Amaarae
Favorite OG It Girl: Kelis, Eve, Lil Kim
Zodiac Big Three: Aries Sun, Cancer Moon, Cancer Rising
Thriving as a casting director and stylist, Kat Mateo offers a unique point of view that has shaped New York Fashion Week shows, ad campaigns, and editorials. She has also been a major contributor to cultural conversations related to fashion and inclusivity.
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Denise Stephanie Hewitt, Photographer
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Experience" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Hannah Montana
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Aquarius Moon, Aquarius Rising
This Gordon Parks Foundation scholar is a full-time student who has been working to expand her freelance career in photography. Denise is also been featured among Essence'sinaugural list of "Top 10 Creators Under 30," for her unique aesthetics and perceptions through her art.
WEST
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Nayamka Roberts-Smith, Aesthetician
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Tomorrow 2" by GloRilla & Cardi B
Favorite OG It Girl: Meagan Good
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Capricorn Rising
Nayamka Roberts-Smith is an award-winning professional in the skincare industry and serves as an educator, offering knowledge on beauty culture. She also is a well-sought-after speaker on beauty and women’s issues, with a following of more than 1 million on social.
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Desiree L. Talley, Esq., Vice President, Legal & Business Affairs, Revolt TV
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice" by The Carters
Favorite OG It Girl: Issa Rae
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon, Cancer Rising
An attorney and storyteller, Desiree L. Talley meshes relatability with her legal smarts for the culture. She advocates for cultural advancement and societal change through her POPLAW Podcast while balancing her executive duties at Revolt TV.
Marley Rae
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Marley Rae, Organizer, WalkGood
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice For What" by Drake
Favorite OG It Girl: Mariah Carey
Zodiac Big Three: Capricorn Sun, Taurus Moon, Leo Rising
Marley Rae is a Nike Athlete, certified yoga instructor, COO, and Director of Health and Wellness for WalkGood LA, a family-founded non-profit organization. She is dedicated to fostering understanding and care in local and global communities.
MIDWEST
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Shawnee Dez
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "FreeBody Freestyle" by Shawnee Dez
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Morrison
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Aquarius Moon, Cancer Rising
Shawnee Dez is an artist who's all about captivating her audience through encouragement and empowerment. Her music features fluid harmonic layering, live instrumentation fused with digital production, and her unique multi-talented voice in an alto melodic tone.
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Bianca Pastel, Visual Artist
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: Anything by Whitney Houston
Favorite OG It Girl: Grace Jones
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Bianca Pastel's artistic portfolio includes fine art, illustrations, and animation, and she's worked with clients including Disney Pixar, and the NFL, to name a few. Her focus is "empowering the experience of being a Black child and dealing with mental health issues."
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Donyale Walton, Founder, Hoop Mobb
Representing: Detroit
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Yeah I Said It" by Rihanna
Favorite OG It Girl: Aaliyah
Zodiac Big Three: Virgo Sun, Libra Moon, Capricorn Rising
Donyale Walton's brand Hoop Mobb, celebrates the Black and Brown fashion and cultural impact and presence of hoop earrings. It's grown to earn more than seven figures in annual revenue and a nationwide community of loyal consumers.
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Ticara Devone, Content Creator
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "She's a Bitch" by Missy Elliott
Favorite OG It Girl: Ananda Lewis
The Zodiac Big Three: Libra Sun, Taurus Moon, Virgo Rising
A trusted sneaker enthusiast and content creator, Ticara Devone uses dynamic storytelling to hold space for others with a passion for sneakers. A published writer, she’s worked with brands including Nike and Footlocker and inspires us all by ensuring women are vocal and seen in the multi-billion dollar shoe space.
SOUTH
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AllyiahsFace, Content Creator
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Go Off" Doja Cat
Favorite OG It Girl: Gabrielle Union and Halle Berry
Zodiac Big Three: Gemini Sun, Leo Moon, Scorpio Rising
AllyiahsFace's YouTube channel has more than 830,000 subscribers, and she's been hitting the ground running since 2015. Her content creation, which centers on beauty, fashion, and lifestyle, has led to a lucrative career and drawn a close-knit social and real-life community to view and be inspired.
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Jaycina, Executive Director, Tender
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "All I Got" by Amel Larrieux
Favorite OG It Girl:Tracee Ellis Ross
Zodiac Big Three: Leo Sun, Sagittarius Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Jaycina is a signed model with a nonprofit that works to provide support and community for single mothers in Atlanta. She's also appeared in campaigns for brands including Fenty and GAP as well as features in all your favorite magazines and on billboards across the country.
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Asha Christian, Founder, Coily App
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "It's My Life" by Mariah Carey
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Childs (Girlfriends)
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Leo Rising
Asha Christian created Coily to provide beauty recommendations utilizing social data. It offers a more personalized, AI-driven experience for users and part of her mission is to provide solutions related to diversity and put the focus back on the consumer. Meshing tech and culture, Christian is innovating with options that exemplify the Black girl magic needed in tech.
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Featured image by FG Trade/Getty