Why Friendships Should Come With Deal-Breakers Too
Hindsight is one heck of a teacher. When I think about what it's taught me when it comes to friendship, if there's a little gem of insight I'd like to give to all parents out there, it's this — just because your friends have children, that doesn't automatically mean that your kids should play with their kids.
I say that because the worst "friend" I've had in my entire life (and that's saying something!) is someone who was the firstborn child of one of my mother and stepfather's friends. And she was evil. Pure evil. My first memory of her was of her locking me out of her house, trapped with her big dog and her laughing at me as he tried to attack me.
It was basically the perfect metaphor for the rest of our so-called friendship. Throughout elementary, high school, and even my first couple of years of college, she was the epitome of a bad friend. But because she was my first introduction to friendship, I didn't have a healthy standard. In many ways, as toxic as she was, she set the standard. And so, anyone who treated me even a little better than she did, I thought they were awesome, when the reality is a lot of them simply weren't "as abusive".
Sometimes, when I'm giving relationship advice, I'll use the grades on a report card to drive home a point. "If you're always used to getting an 'F', a 'C' will feel like a 'A'." In other words, if you're used to being treated poorly and someone comes along and does it less than others have, or they do something good for you every blue moon, you might think you're being treated well when really, it's just not as bad as before.
That's why I'm a firm believer that friendships should have deal breakers. It's not about a lack of loyalty or not allowing someone to make mistakes. It's about recognizing when someone isn't being a true friend so that you don't have to put more time, effort, and energy into something that is fruitless.
It's about being a friend to yourself first so that you're able to set the standard — and raise the bar when needed — for how others should treat you.
And just what should some of those deal breakers be? Check them out below.
Deal Breakers In Friendships
1.Consistent Selfishness
Getty Images
I'm a big giver. I like having that quality. But there have been numerous times when I've realized I'm doing 70-80 percent of the giving in my friendships; not just monetarily but with my time and emotional-investing too. As a friend, when one of my friends are in need, I figure it out. Period.
But what I started to realize is when I needed something, a lot of my friends were unavailable. The few times I would bring up the pattern, they would say things like, "Shellie, if your motive was right, you wouldn't be going tit-for-tat." Whatever. If this friendship was balanced, it would be impossible to do that because the mutuality would be consistent. Selfish means "self-consumed". If you're trying to establish or maintain a friendship with someone who is really only consumed with themselves, good luck, sis. You're gonna need it.
Feature image by Getty Images.
Related Articles:
5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life – Read More
The Truth About Maintaining Friendships As An Adult – Read More
Breaking Up With Toxic Friends Won't Be Easy, But It's So Necessary – Read More
How To Build A Squad of Empowering Friends – Read More
- What are deal breakers for you in a friendship? - Quora ›
- The Top 10 Relationship Deal Breakers | Psychology Today ›
- What are your friendship deal breakers? : AskWomen ›
- How to Tell When Friendships Turn Toxic and What to Do About It ... ›
- Your Top 10 Friendship Deal Breakers - FabOverFifty.com ›
- The top friendship dealbreakers, ranked - HelloGiggles ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage