When You Feel Like You've Accomplished Nothing In Your Life
For as long as I can remember, I've been a bit preoccupied with the concept of age. I've always wanted to be grown, but never old. Making sure I'm "on trend" in terms of age and kind of life that goes along with it.
As time would have it, I realized that "old" is relative, and the closer you come to the age, it's not so old anymore. And every age below yours suddenly seems wildly young. I considered turning 30 to be THE milestone of my life, but even then, and years after, I felt I hadn't accomplished enough, and I was still making plenty of childish mistakes.
Recently, InStyle published two stories discussing age and its complexities. "The Mid-30s Awkward Phase No One Tells You About" (if you're slightly older than 35, the writer says you're in the number, too) and "Turning 40 is Hard. Turning 40 As a Black Women is Harder." I'm a mashup of these stories: a Black woman who's 37, a couple of years past 35, but not quite 40. I shared the articles with my circle, and we messaged back co-signs through emojis and gifs.
Quotes from both articles jumped out at me immediately. From "Turning 40 As a Black Woman is Harder":
"Turning 40 can be emotionally fraught for any woman — often triggering anxiety, depression, and feelings of inadequacy. Our culture tells us that by 40, we should be homeowners, happily married with kids, succeeding in our careers and saving for retirement. When we're missing any part of that equation, a sense of failure can creep in. That's all legitimately stressful, but focusing on it obscures the unique struggles faced by Black women approaching the milestone, particularly when it comes to career development and earning potential."
And from "The Mid-30s Awkward Phase No One Tells You About":
"You are never more aware of how special and unique you aren't, then at 35 when you're just paddling along and doing things and not breaking any records for being old nor young while doing them. Yet you're racing against the clock to get, as Glynnis MacNicol surmised, a clear sense of what you've got and what you'll do with it, so you have precisely zero time for anyone else's drama. You are more on your bullshit than possibly any other time."
I can relate more than I'd like to, and maybe you can, too, but there are more layers. How did we start glorifying these milestone ages and holding ourselves to whatever life events, epiphanies, and accomplishments that have been assigned to them?
The "awkwardness" of being in the middle of ages suggests that there's still some growing to do before you reach the golden age of completion. Saying turning 40 as a Black woman is harder than any other race suggests it's hard to turn 40 as any other woman, period (I believe this premise, by the way, as data supports it). But why is it hard? The difficult part isn't making it through another 365 days, but not living up to societal expectations, and sometimes our own.
When you hit those milestone ages or any age, it's a time for celebration, thankfulness, and reflection. What we do instead is replace or follow that up with "I'm X age, but what do I have to show for it?" This framing is unproductive and can be self-defeating.
While I love stories like the aforementioned and seeing myself in them, I can't wait to get to a time when we don't have to write and read them. When professional and personal endeavors and thought processes don't have a very specific number, or age, attached to them.
What we don't talk enough about is that no singular age is the end all be all. We should be learning, growing, checking boxes off throughout our entire lives. Not just to appease the appearance of a milestone.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Alisha Tillery is a freelance writer and journalist living and working in Memphis, Tennessee. Find more of her work at www.alishatillery.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage