What Dating Looks Like When You Have A Long-Term Illness
Until very recently, I hadn't been on a date in a while. I'd been asked on them, I'd flirted, I'd kissed – but committing to anything else was too hard. I'm in recovery from anorexia, and it takes over my life – which includes dating.
To start, a lot of dating revolves around food or drink. I'm very specific about what I will eat, and have to check out restaurant menus in advance. I often ask for adaptations. It's hardly the laid back and liberal approach I like to present to the world.
Body image is something that many women struggle with, but is exacerbated by an eating disorder. I don't really have dysmorphia – I know I'm underweight – but I still struggle with what other people will think.
And then there's the fact that I have to constantly be planning for my next meal or snack while thinking about not doing too much activity, at the same time. It's exhausting.
For the moment, it is recovery, in all its facets, that is a big part of my life.
So, avowedly spinster, potentially more out of self-protection than anything, I was rather blindsided when I met a sweet, funny, and supportive guy who has signed up for the good stuff and the hard stuff. He reassures me, helps with meals, calms me down when I get anxious, keeps me warm and makes me feel safe. We also like to dance around the living room, are big fans of exploring old buildings, can nail a newspaper crossword, and spend a lot of time laughing.
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But it's not easy - dating with a long-term illness is hard. And it's an issue that people with many different illnesses face.
Helen suffers with chronic pain all over her body, which affects all aspects of her life – mobility, cognitive function, and emotions. Whenever she is online speaking to someone new, she tells them that she has to walk with a stick. Quite often this is the end of the conversation, and people simply stop talking to her.
She recently went to a 'traffic light' party and was pointed at and called out by other people in the room. One man said to her, "You are limited, what are your solutions?" – as she couldn't travel far to see him due to exhaustion. "This made me feel inferior and an inconvenience," she says.
And with chronic pain, everything hurts – including sex. She explains that, "I've never met anyone who cared enough to be attentive and gentle enough to make it enjoyable."
This knowledge is exacerbated by her body dysmorphia and feeling that she isn't attractive enough for anyone to like her.
A girl I knew in recovery from anorexia once got all the way into bed before the man she was with stopped because she was too small, and he worried he would break her. At this point, she was what is deemed a "healthy" weight, showing how arbitrary and low these boundaries are set.
One thing that is really important is being honest.
I told my boyfriend about anorexia recovery almost immediately, as he had asked if I wanted to go out for lunch. The conversation then evolved into things he could do to help me – knowing my meal plan, nudging me to choose the best choices for recovery, planning in advance – rather than put us in an awkward situation.
But knowing when to have that conversation is hard. Karen has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She is very cautious about who she speaks to. "It feels like when you're sick, you spend a lot of time being cautious in who you show the real realities of the crap of the illness to, and so it's a massive vulnerability to have to bare your deepest insecurity of an illness, very quickly. To let down that mask even a little bit, is a real risk. There's no way around ripping that plaster off very soon, and so for me I'd probably rather steer clear of the situation where I have to do that, for fear of rejection because of it."
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"It feels like when you're sick, you spend a lot of time being cautious in who you show the realities of the crap of the illness to."
She finds that it often comes up when she is asked that killer question, "What do you do?" and she has to explain that she is off work long-term due to illness. As well as closing that conversation down, it makes her struggle with feelings of self-worth "and not wanting to be a burden physically and financially, as well as not wanting to appear weak."
Most of the people that I've spoken to about this are in their thirties. There's an extra pressure with dating in this decade, because, for the most part, people are looking for something long-term.
As Karen says, "When I think about marriage and stuff even though it's the whole 'for better or for worse, in sickness and in health' thing, it's the struggle of feeling like, 'Well yes, that's true, so if I became chronically ill after we were married that's when that would kick in, but to invoke that before you even begin, is too much of a price to ask someone to pay.' And although dating is just dating and doesn't necessarily even get to a point of long term, let alone marriage, it's always that looming feeling in the background."
But it's a good sign if you find someone willing to take on the illness challenge. My boyfriend has said that he wouldn't be putting in all of this effort if we were just a short-term fling. Every time he makes me a dinner that stretches me just enough towards recovery tomorrow, whilst feeling safe enough to deal with today, I know that he is reaffirming that he cares. Because it's not just me who faces challenges – so does he. He has had to have a much more structured approach to eating, with regular meals and snacks, so that he's always there to support me. Language is a big thing, as even the slightest slip such as calling something "bad" or commenting on the size of a meal can send me into misery or trigger of eating disorder behaviors.
Dr. Michelle R. Hannah says that the best time to share is when you both think that you are on the same page in regards to where the relationship is heading. She has worked with lots of cancer survivors on rebuilding their lives, and has also suffered from cancer herself. She was lucky that when she met her husband, she had been through a process of self-healing by spending time working on her own physical and mental health. "We had the conversation early on because we truly knew where we were going early in our relationship. It was a tough conversation but his compassion and commitment made it easier. Knowing we could both be transparent with each other helped immensely on the days that I was at a pain level of nine on a scale from 1 to 10. After four major procedures before we were married, I knew that we were both committed to the traditional wedding vows before we took them. Chronic illness, or recovery from one, is one of the toughest challenges that one can go through but when you have someone who is dedicated to assisting you to achieve optimal health and love you through it, [it] makes the journey so much more meaningful."
"Chronic illness, or recovery from one, is one of the toughest challenges that one can go through but when you have someone who is dedicated to assisting you to achieve optimal health and love you through it, [it] makes the journey so much more meaningful."
Clare has also been diagnosed with Parkinson's for just over two years and has found that it has really knocked her confidence. First dates are stressful and full of anticipation anyway, but Clare struggles to even get dressed for them. "Things can be going well," she says, "but then I will start trembling and feel self-conscious and stupid. My left arm hangs in a way that I think makes me look very sick. I am consciously aware of it, and will spend all my time worrying about it. So then I can't focus on and enjoy the date."
That's one of the key things about dating when you have a long-term illness. That illness is always present, and it's very difficult to be 100% focused on the date or relationship in general.
Self-esteem is one of the biggest casualties. It's this that stops Karen. "I know that I struggle with internal dialogues of self-worth with having a chronic illness and the thought of dating - the battle of feeling like no one would want to buy into that from the beginning."
When your illness takes over you everyday life, it can feel like you've got nothing else to give. I've felt like that too. Why would anyone want to put up with the challenges that illness and recovery come with?
Because they care. And that's what all relationships are about: A mutual caring, respect, and delight in each other's company. As important as self-care and management strategies are, and as big an issue as illness is, it's not everything.
You're an individual with a lot more to give than just a diagnosis, and there are people out there excited about getting to know all of you, the good, difficult, and shades of light and grey.
Featured image by Getty Images
Never happier than when in a library or clutching a notebook, Francesca Baker is a writer, reader, and word lover. As Virginia Woolf said 'my head is a hive of words that won't settle.' So she puts them to use, exploring the world and then writing about it. You can read more about Francesca on her blog or follow her on Twitter and Instagram.
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As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
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I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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