Being an introvert can definitely create lonely moments. Yes, we like to be alone a lot of times. In fact, that's often when we recharge and get back the energy we need to interact with others. Still, it can be a little scary to look around and realize no one else is there.
Instead of making the loneliness run even deeper by just sprawling out on the couch, we can be intentional about creating moments to help prevent it, to begin with. Bottom line, introverts get lonely too, and this is how we can fight it:
Be In The Moment When You’re Around Others
As introverts, most of us love to be in a room full of people, we just don't care to talk or interact all the time. We might look like we're bored and scrolling through social media wishing we were anywhere else but there. Yet in reality, we could be having a blast. It's all good and great until we end up in a room by ourselves and still feel like something is missing. Something that can help fight loneliness is to be in the moment when those people are around.
Even though we're introverted, we still thrive off of relationships and interaction just like everyone else. Something that has worked for me is to find someone to connect with one-on-one if you're uncomfortable addressing the whole group at a time. That will help you break the ice and slowly feel more at ease with interacting. You don't necessarily have to lead the group, but you can at least be a part of it. Then when you're by yourself, you'll more likely feel relief and peace rather than loneliness and wanting more.
Take A Break From Social Media
Because we might not express things verbally, we tend to let them simmer and fester on the inside, and scrolling on social media doesn't really help that. Looking at friends, family and even stranger's highlight reels can make us, or really anyone for that matter, focus inward and start to think that they aren't living their best life to the fullest. Coming across a snapshot of a group of people hanging out together might make you feel lonely and left out, but in reality, you might not have even desired to be there because you were perfectly fine having a quiet night at home.
Still, seeing other people do it has the power to make you feel like you're doing something wrong and you need to get out there to make friends so you can post those same kinds of photos. While it might be 100 percent true that you need to get out of your comfort zone, using social media as a foundation can be more detrimental than helpful.
Don’t Cancel Plans
I used to be really bad at this one. It happens when you're in this weird space between loneliness but not really feeling like being around anyone. Yes, that can exist. I remember being invited to someone's birthday party and as much as the idea of going sounded great, I didn't feel like it! I wanted to just stay home and chill. But because I was in high spirits when I accepted the invitation, I felt like I couldn't' cancel. And I didn't want to revert to the habit of not going places I was invited.
I ended up going and had so much fun. In the end, most of the time we're always glad we didn't cancel and decided to go through with any plans. Ultimately, that's what helps us fight those temptations to cancel. When we're lonely, it's ironically so easy to want to just be around ourselves yet want to be around others for security. We have to be careful not to let loneliness be the reason we flake out on friends who might be depending on us, or the opportunity to meet and establish new friendships.
Do Something Kind
It's crazy how being nice to someone else can get us out of our own little lonely funk. While we might be waiting for someone else to give us a pick-me-up by expressing kindness to us, it can be just as fulfilling (if not more) when we extend that kindness to someone else. I know it takes a lot to get out of our bubble and comfort zone to be intentional about showing kindness. It's not that we aren't kind, it's just figuring out a way to express it that can get murky.
Whether it's sending a thank-you card to someone or buying something you saw them admiring, acts of kindness can be a trick to getting out of loneliness. It's not to necessarily get something out of it, it just makes us get out of ourselves and our own heads.
Have A Goal For Getting Social
Setting a goal to have at least one social interaction with someone a day can make a major difference in kicking those lonely emotions. Doing things like meeting someone new or initiating a conversation with someone instead of being on the receiving end are just a couple of ways to having meaningful social interactions with others that can help keep us fulfilled.
These interactions don't always have to be with strangers, you can show your appreciation by interacting with those who are already in your life. If there's a friend who you don't talk to unless they call, make the move and call them first. If you're always getting invited but never doing the inviting, host a girl's night and invite your closest friends over. And while you're there, engage, be vulnerable and have fun!
Featured image by Getty Images.
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A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images
