There's a common misperception surrounding beauty standards and the black woman. Historically, black women have been the "purveyors of curves," which includes our thick thighs, small waists, big butts, big breasts, and full lips. I would say I have 4 out of 5. But just like all of us aren't naturally blessed with an abundance of tits and ass, all of us aren't blessed with a Kerry Washington pout. While many women of color are fortunate to naturally be shaped like a "brick house" with body and lips galore, not everyone has that genetic makeup. It was one of the reasons I found myself sitting in the doctor's office last December, waiting to get lip injections. Yes, you read that right, lip injections.
I'm not sure where my dislike for my lips began – or if I would even call it a "dislike." I think I first started noticing I wasn't happy with them four years ago. It was January 2014 and my shoulder-length hair, that I had long associated with being a woman, had fallen out after trusting the wrong stylist. Without my hair, I became more aware of my face shape and the strength of my features. I looked more androgynous and felt that, along with my hair, my femininity now evaded me.
Lip injections wasn't the first place that my mind went to help me feel a little more womanly.
I started with my brows. As an entertainment journalist who does a lot of on-camera celebrity interviews at press junkets and the like, I had begun to feel like something was missing. After failing miserably a handful of times to fill in my brows myself, a makeup artist suggested I look into microblading, a process that would permanently fill in my brows. Call me naive but it was shocking to me to learn that many people were waking up with full brows as the result of microblading. After researching the procedure, I had my brows tattooed (known as "powder brow") in July 2016.
With my hair slowly growing back and my new eyebrows on fleek, I was also interested in fuller lips in hopes of looking less androgynous and more feminine. It was around that time that I started seeing fuller lips start to trend, so much so that every cosmetic brand seemed to be coming out with their own version of an "injection gloss," promising fuller lips. I have lips, but I wouldn't have minded them being a little more pronounced.
Out of curiosity, I purchased several of these glosses, but quickly discovered they were just a gimmick and a waste of money.
Still, I tried to be content with my small lips and I looked for "natural" remedies for fuller lips, which included homemade concoctions like mixing coconut oil with cayenne pepper.
I quickly grew tired of trying to mix potions in the kitchen, so I decided to up the ante and look into more long-term options for fuller lips. I had known about lip fillers for a minute, but admittedly, I second-guessed my desire to have them as a real possibility because I was convinced it was something black women didn't "do."
But, I found a handful of beauty vloggers online that were women of color that showed me differently. Dymond Goods, AliyahsFace, and DollFaceBeautyx were all transparent about their journeys and experiences with lip fillers. And their transparency helped to further affirm that I wanted my lips done too.
New year, new lips was the motto. I made my appointment for December 19 at LaserAway in Santa Monica where, one of the beauty vloggers that inspired my decision, Dymond Goods, had gotten her lips done. As I sat with the ice pack on my mouth and waited for the nurse to prep the needle, I thought briefly about the harsh comments I'd probably be met with for choosing to be candid about my experience:
"But your lips were fine…"
"You should just be happy with what God gave you…"
"Embrace your natural beauty…"
"You're black, your lips are already full!"
"You must not love yourself if you would alter yourself…"
I believe it's semantics to say it's "okay" to take a needle to permanently put ink on your body or holes through your ears, nose or belly button, yet it's abhorrent to take a needle with a natural acid that's also used medically to temporarily enhance your lips.
Note: lip fillers are not permanent.
The product used was Juvederm Ultra, which is made of hyaluronic acid, a naturally occurring component within your body.
So, lip injections only last about six months to a year as the product dissolves and your lips will return to their normal size if you choose not to get a refill. The time it takes for the product to dissolve is also dependent upon how much is used in the procedure. I only used half a syringe because I didn't want my lips to look obnoxiously obvious. But the results are so subtle that my roommate who's been my friend for over ten years hasn't noticed.
Weeks later, I confidently say that I plan to go back to LaserAway to finish the syringe. Having gone through the thirty-minute process once and the pain of the needle being a 5 out of 10, I think my lips can be even fuller.
Left - Before Lip Injections, Right - After Lip Injections
In speaking with Dymond prior to my procedure about criticism she's received online, she poignantly reiterated that "Self-improvement isn't self-hate," and I wholeheartedly agree.
There was once a time when I was self-conscious about my skin tone and my weight, but I'm so elated to have come to a really great space of self-love. Long before the lip injections, I came to a place of wholeness where I began to walk into a room with a big blonde afro, red lipstick and my best accessory, my self-confidence.
Just like my eyebrows, fuller lips simply help to further accentuate my look, it's an accessory.
Regardless of what objections others may have, I encourage you to do whatever helps you to feel like your best self. Sometimes it's as simple as getting your hair done, beating your face, or buying designer clothes. Other times feeling like your best self may be a more invasive process like braces to fix a crooked smile, and for others it's liposuction or breast implants.
Regardless of what your "fix" may be, we have one life to live, do whatever makes you happy.
Would you consider getting lip injections? Why or why not? Sound off in the comment section below.
If you thought that only women abstained from sex in an effort to wait for the one man to create their soul tie with, then you're in for a surprise!
JimDre Westbrook, aka "Worth The Wait Guy," has made national headlines for being a 30+ year old virgin. Women are searching high and low and swiping right trying to catch a man who meets their list of marriage material credentials: a tall, attractive, college-educated, Black man with a perfect smile. Oh, and not to mention someone who isn't in these streets adding to his body count. So how is it that a man like JimDre--who meets all of the above--has been able to abstain from sex in the prime of his life?
Let's just say that his unwavering faith and undeniable self-discipline has kept him from taking a dip into the pool of temptation.
At the age of 14, JimDre made a vow that he would honor his body until marriage, and attributes his personal and professional success to having Jesus on the mainline. Abstaining from sex hasn't meant that JimDre's life is perfect. After his 30th birthday, when he went public with his story and initially became the “Worth The Wait Guy," he was in a near-fatal car accident where he was hit by a drunk driver. It totaled his car, but he walked away with only a few scratches. Instead of wondering why the God he so faithfully served would allow that to happen, JimDre looked at the accident as a blessing. He believes that it was God telling him that he was on the right path.
Even his younger sister, Jae, believes that he's "worth the wait." Earlier this year, she reached out to us advocating for her big brother. "I watched [my brother] boldly proclaim to the world via Facebook that he was a virgin at the age of 30-years-old. As his little sister and best friend, I knew this all along and of course, fully supported his decision. He did what he felt was right and believes that God put us on earth to share our gifts. His actions were nothing new to me. He made a special vow to God at age 14 to remain a virgin until marriage. Growing up he always encouraged me to follow my dreams, be a leader and have the courage to go right when everyone else goes left."
Being “Worth The Wait Guy" and proclaiming his love for the Lord continues to open doors for JimDre, who's been a guest on The Steve Harvey Show, The Tom Joyner Morning Show as well as been featured in Essence, Ebony and Jet magazines, to name a few.
We admit to becoming a little curious as well! So we reached out to JimDre (not on the "Hotline Bling") to discuss the criticism that he's faced being a virgin with tattoos, why men look at sex as a sport, and to get some must-read insight as to why women need to stop settling for “Netflix and Chill."
From a young age those who grow up in the church or in religious families are taught that sinning is inevitable, but that if we repent and ask for forgiveness, GOD will still loves us. Do you feel that abstaining from sex brings you any closer to God than someone who engages in premarital sex?
I don't think because I'm a virgin and a Christian that I'm better than anyone else; I don't think that it makes me feel a different way than the normal or average Christian. But I do think it makes sure that I have a direct and present relationship with God, which I think is the most important thing if you're a believer. My relationship with him has been tied to my abstaining and waiting for my wife. That doesn't mean that I'm perfect, I'm still human. However, I believe my choice to not have sex makes my particular relationship stronger with Him.
In the Bible, Leviticus 19:28 says, “Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves." Are there people who think that you are being hypocritical for choosing to uphold some aspects of scripture and not others?
All my tattoos have meaning, and as mentioned, I'm not perfect. I made a personal choice to have tattoos that tell the story of my life. On my left side, I have a tat representing my fraternity, Kappa Alpha Psi and my alma mater, University of Michigan, as well as a cross to represent my relationship with God. I plan to finish my left side whenever I have a wife and kids. The tattoos on my right side tell the story of my success, the businesses that I own, and remind me of how far I've come.
I've definitely been approached by people who question if I'm really a virgin and a Christian because I have tattoos. Me being “Worth The Wait Guy" is me being the vessel to tell others it's cool to live at your own pace and keep God first. People always want to challenge me about it, but God has always been my foundation, it's an interesting dynamic.
I'm sure you're familiar with "Netflix and Chill" where there isn't any courtship, it's just men and women hanging out and engaging in sexual acts. Why do you think so many women are so willing to settle for short-term affection?
Women get frustrated, especially the good, quality women who don't want to settle, who have high respect and high regards for themselves. But they just aren't finding what they want and what they deserve. As time goes by and they aren't getting exactly what they feel they need, they choose to settle. These great women end up entertaining guys who oftentimes aren't on their level--who don't even deserve a 'hello' from them, but they're persistent. If we want something, we go for it. If a guy wants you, your conversation, your time, if he wants to be something to you, he's going to be very clear about his intentions.
I often hear women say that "all the good guys are taken," but can't help but to think that maybe they haven't done the work to figure out why they're continuously attracting the same type of man. A lot of women get complacent because they don't want to be alone so they start lowering their standards.
That's how you end up having so many short-term "hookups" where you're telling a guy to come through because you're frustrated with what your life looks like and you've gotten off track from waiting for the real prize.
You have to stay focused and have faith. That's one of the reasons why I can be a 31-year-old virgin, because I've never lost faith. Of course, there have been times when I say, 'God I'm still here, hope you haven't forgotten about me! You can bring 'her' to me whenever you want.' You're going to get down on yourself, and you may wonder why it's taking so long. But you have to wait on God.
He's always on time and he's going to deliver on his promises when you're ready!
You have to be ready for the specific things that you're asking God to give you. And you have to ask yourself, what are you really doing with your life to get ready to receive what you're asking for?
To your understanding, why do guys feel the need to have sex with so many women and compare body counts? Why is sex such a sport for men?
Not to say that women aren't competitive, but men are competitive about everything. Most of us played sports growing up where we we're taught to be better than the next man. From birth we learn that in playing a game the objective is to get somewhere before the next person. As it pertains to women, a lot of men look at it like it's a game, and if the objective is to be “the man," how can I do that if I only have one girl? The more women you're involved with means the more “game" you have. It gives you leverage and it means you have options. It also makes some men feel like they're an “expert" when it comes to women because they've been with so many.
I, on the other hand, don't look at it like that. It's not hard to engage women in conversations and date multiple women; the challenge is trying to put all of that time and effort into one woman because now you're dealing with real feelings. You're getting into what most men don't want to deal with because when you're playing all of these games and juggling all these women, there isn't any depth to that.
Sex is oftentimes just competition with men to one up our friends.
It's just a pressure that's been placed on us from a young age but if you don't buy into that and you live at your own pace then you're okay with your one girlfriend and not out chasing multiple women. Choose to make that decision for yourself then you don't have to do what everyone else is doing.
It seems easier said than done to abstain from sex once you've been sexually active. What advice do you have for women, or even young men, who have been sexually active but want to figure out how to begin abstaining?
Pray about it. If you believe in God you have to take this to Him because if you try to figure it out by yourself, it's just not gonna happen. Be open, honest and transparent about your intentions. If a man wants to give up and abstain from sex, he has to pray for guidance and discipline, then he'll get the love and support he needs from God. Whether or not you go to church, you can always pray. Then you have to make changes in your everyday life. If you spent your free time engaging in sexual activity now you need to figure out something constructive to do with your time. Whether it's going to the gym, taking a class, doing community service, whatever. You need a plan so you're not idle and you can remain steadfast and faithful to your goal.
You're the co-owner of a clothing line, LAYOP (Live At Your Own Pace). There's always been unwritten rules about what you should have accomplished at a particular age, and social media adds to those pressures. Can you speak to how we can "Live At [Our] Own Pace" without seeming less ambitious or less accomplished as our peers?
Live At Your Own Pace clothing is about doing what makes you happy in life. Growing up we're told, that we're supposed to graduate college at 22, have the perfect job by 25, get married by 28 and have all of your kids by 32 everyone paints that picture of how life is supposed to happen if you want to win. The LAYOP movement is rooted in the story of the tortoise and the hare. You may not get where you want as fast as your peers or as fast as your parents want you to get there, but all that matters is that you're living a happy life. If you live at your own pace, you're going to win.
What are some of your go-to scriptures that have helped you throughout your celibacy?
Romans 12:1-2 talks about keeping your body pure in God's perfect and pleasing will, not conforming to the world because your body is a living and holy sacrifice. I've sacrificed my body by not having sex and giving that to God because that's his perfect and pleasing will. Again, I'm not perfect, but the type of relationship I have with God I want to keep that as pure as I can.
At times, we're all going to miss the mark, but I'm the “Worth The Wait Guy" because I know God is worth the wait, and I want Him to always know that.
It's one of those scriptures that's helped me to maintain the path that I've been walking on. Now if abstinence or celibacy isn't necessarily for you and you just need a verse to uplift you, Proverbs 3:5-6: 'Trust in the Lord with everything you do and do not to lean into your own understanding. Acknowledge Him and He'll direct your path." Those verses apply to your everyday life. It doesn't matter what you're doing, God should always be present. If He's with you, you can't lose.
You can learn more about JimDre by visiting his website Worththewaitguy.com
Update: It's been two years since we first featured JimDre and he is still walking in celibacy. He recently posted on Instagram:
When I had the pleasure to share my story with @xonecole two years ago to this day. A lot has changed since this day. I'm way closer to God, my celibacy walk has strengthened, my divine purpose has realized and I even grew a decent beard. The wait is real and I'm still waiting for Him, y'all.
An Intimate Conversation With Iyanla Vanzant On Self-Love, Womanhood & Finding Your Purpose
OK, I'll admit that when I met with Iyanla Vanzant, I was trying to sneak in my own personal episode of Iyanla: Fix My Life disguised as an interview. Like many, I've admired her for years--watching her give advice to the emotionally battered and broken in an attempt to help them piece their lives back together. Even my own slew of bad dating experiences (when the right swipes weren't the right swipes) had me thumbing through the pages of her book, Faith in the Valley, seeking guidance from the renown spiritual leader on knowing my worth and not giving the wrong people my energy and attention.
You can't even fathom the way in which I cried off my mascara like a member of the BeyHive who had backstage passes at a Beyoncé concert. That's how I felt meeting Iyanla--she's my Beyoncé.
At the youthful age of 63, Iyanla has so many words of wisdom that every teen, twenty-something and thirty-something need to live by. Everything she says could be an Instagram quote that you “like," screenshot and save in a special folder on your phone when you need to post some subtle shade or words of encouragement. In short, she's who you run to when you need to get your life.
Iyanla is the true example of “pulling yourself up by the bootstraps." She was pregnant at age 16 and by 21 she was a wife and mother of three. After surviving an abusive marriage, she went on to Medgar Evers College as well as City University of New York School of Law. Having been a welfare recipient, she wrote a workbook for other women looking to leave the system and break away from abusive relationships. These personal stories helped her to land a book deal, which led to motivational speaking and guest appearances on the holy grail of talk shows, The Oprah Winfrey Show.
Iyanla is the definition of an overcomer--telling the story of going from making millions to being unemployed when her first talk show, Iyanla, was canceled during it's first season. As if that wasn't enough, the spiritual teacher then had to overcome the death of her daughter from cancer, which inspired one of her fifteen books, Peace from Broken Pieces.
There's only so much one person can handle! From death, divorce, poverty and even two suicide attempts, Iyanla has been through it all, and she's more than equipped to “fix" the lives of the guests she heals on her popular OWN series, which is now in it's sixth season.
I had a chance to sit down and chat with my “auntie in my head," and she gave amazing advice for setting your own standards. Here's what she had to say:
A lot of women feel pressured to have accomplished certain societal milestones like having a husband and kids by age 30, and if they've chosen to focus on their careers and don't have these things by 35 or even 40, they're made to feel that something is missing. Can you speak to living at your pace? And when you were in your 20s, did you feel any societal pressures?
It's so funny that women today feel they should have certain things at a certain age because I had everything very soon and I felt like I had missed out on so much of my life.
As women we grow through stages, and there's a transition from each stage of growth and development to the next. It doesn't matter what we're accomplishing in the world, what is it that each of us needs to heal through, grow through and be present through within ourselves? That's what's going to determine how we unfold and the pace of what we're doing is based on the choices that we make as women.
Iyanla with Karrueche Tran
How do women learn to be okay with being by ourselves and not needing the validation of a man?
Being by yourself is very different than being with yourself. “By Yourself" is when you feel the lack, the separation, and the deprivation of something or someone else. Being “with yourself" is when you're taking the time to get acquainted or reacquainted with who you are and the life that's flowing within you.
How your life unfolds is determined by the choices you make. I had three kids by the time I was 21, two at 19. I didn't want that, but I didn't make choices that would have kept me from being in that situation. I didn't get married because I wanted to, I got married because I grew up in a time where its bad enough to have one baby out of wedlock, how dare you have two? So let me marry the first 'Boo Boo the Clown' that comes through and wants me. Then I had to spend thousands of dollars to get out of that. It's all about choices and decisions and not allowing outside pressures to push you in a direction or make decisions that don't honor who you are. Not everyone wants to have a baby [mama] at 22 or even 28. I certainly didn't want to have one at 16, but I didn't make the right choices.
Culturally, one of the things that helped me when I was unfolding as a woman were my sister circles. There were four of us and we got together and talked. Two of us had kids, one of us was in college, and the other was as lost as a shoe, but we all supported each other through that. I would tell young women gather within your age group and have three or four sister friends. Come together not to pressure each other, but to share how you're doing and how you're feeling.
Because of social media and reality TV, there are so many more people being thrust into fame with no concept of the business aspects of the industry. Can you share what you wish you would have known earlier in your career about handling your finances?
I grew up in poverty and I was never taught how to manage money. I didn't know when I went to college or practiced law or sold my first book. Even after I made my first million dollars, what didn't change was the fact that I had never been taught to honor, respect and manage money. That's something you have to learn how to do.
You have to set it up where your money works for you, you don't work for it. I didn't know any of these things at the beginning of my career so I had to learn how to do it.
“Own your stuff" is one of your famous phrases. How do you “own" up to something that you know isn't good for you?
“Ownership" means that you stand in your truth of what you do, what you think, what you feel and how you do it. If a woman is battling with insecurity and doesn't think she's beautiful, she has to own her beauty. I've been through that. My big brother used to tell me I was ugly and I believed it until I was about 25. Then I said you know what, I think I'm just drop dead gorgeous and that's who I'm going to be by my own standards. I'm dark skin, I have Negroid lips, short hair, big boobs, a big butt, and I'm drop dead gorgeous, and I don't care if you don't like me! That's owning your beauty, not your ugly.
But own the stuff that you do to prove to other people that you're beautiful, that may be detrimental to you. Are you wearing revealing clothes? Do you have on three pairs of spanx instead of one? (Laughs!) Do you talk loudly in a room to draw attention to yourself? Own what you do to prove to other people that you're beautiful when you don't believe it; that's what owning your stuff means.
What would you say to yourself in your 20s, 30s and 40s that helped you be as confident and content with yourself now that you're 63?
I have to take it even further back to my teens. I would tell my teenage self, 'have fun, stop taking everything so seriously, and don't tie yourself down to anyone or anything unless it's moving you towards your vision.'
In my 20s: "What's your vision boo?"
You have to have a vision for yourself and for your life. It's not necessarily about what you're going to do, but who do you want to be as a woman? Having that vision will help pull you forward.
At 30: "Just do it and stop complaining."
The kids, the work, the babies, make time for yourself and just do it.
40s: "You have arrived!"
Because you're not really a woman 'til you're 40; everything else was busy work! Now you're getting ready to move into the fullness of who you are, pay attention because you matter. You're gonna sweat but you matter!
Now at 63, I feel like I'm 20. At 20, I thought I knew everything and at 63 I understand I don't know anything and I'm okay with that. When I see myself in my children and my grandchildren I say, 'you look good on other people,' they're doing what I taught them. And I don't have anything to prove to anybody so I can do what brings me joy. I'm no longer disturbed by the things people say about me, and the good news is I'll probably forget half of it anyway (laughs).
How do you find your purpose? When you speak of having a vision and having a plan, if you don't know what you want to do, how do you know what God is leading you to do?
Doing, working, and purpose are three different things.
Your purpose isn't for you; it's for other people. Teaching, healing, leading, loving, nurturing, those are "purposes," not “I'm going to be an engineer with a PhD from Harvard." That's work! You have to get clear about the difference. You've heard this saying before, "what would you do for the rest of your life for free?" What are you good at? What brings you joy that you would do whether or not you got paid for it? That's your purpose. Remember that your purpose and what you have to do to make a living may be two completely different things.
One thing we know about Jay Ellis is that he's sexy.
Incredibly sexy.
Ask him a question that some may consider slightly embarrassing and he will break into a flirtatious grin, look you straight in the eye, and confidently give a response that will leave you with crimson cheeks.
But the handsome actor is more than just a chiseled frame; he's also a man of substance. A man who rides motorcycles over a thousand miles with the Kiehl's LifeRide for amfAR for HIV/AIDS awareness, who brings a smile to young faces as a volunteer at the Children's Hospital in Los Angeles, and who turned his passion for Pilates into a business venture with a friend—teaching 20 hours worth of classes a year at his fitness studio, body +, back in Lafayette, Louisiana. In other words, off the screen he is a man that every woman dreams about.
When you meet Ellis, you'll understand why show creators and producers Salem Akil and Mara Brock-Akil snagged him the play the role of Bryce “Blue" Westbrook on season six of The Game. There was something special about the rookie actor that made them believe he had what was necessary to carry the show into the next season following the departure of lead actors Pooch Hall and Tia Mowry. Maybe it's because he's mastered the art of connecting with people, a skill he picked up as a military brat going to over 12 different schools and living in countries such as Germany and the Phillipines. Or maybe it's his relentless work ethic—a business degree from Concordia University has taught him that marketing yourself and constantly studying your craft are keys to success in the entertainment business, and has enabled him to standout as a doer amongst a crowd of dreamers.
Nowadays, Ellis is taking his career into his own hands with his next few projects, his starring role on Issa Rae's HBO series Insecure, producing two films as well as continuing to work with non-profit organizations such as Everyday People Initiating Change (E.P.I.C).
So how exactly do you catch a man like Jay Ellis? What is he looking for in his soulmate? Here's a few things we learned about Jay Ellis after our exclusive sit-down with the charming actor:
He's A Certified Pilates Instructor...
Years ago, a friend of mine that I used to model with moved back home to Lafayette, Louisiana. Initially he wasn't sure what he was going to do down there so we decided to open some stores together. We just built a new studio space that we own. To keep our insurance, I have to be trained in Pilates and I teach a minimum number of hours every year. I teach about 20 hours annually, which is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life because it's so much core strength that I thought I had, but these women are in class kicking my ass! They're making it look effortless while I'm literally shaking the entire time! But it's been amazing and a lot of fun.
The Best Date He Has Ever Been On...
It was like I was cast in an Ethan Hawke film that included a 24-hour walk through Paris. I was with the girl I was dating at the time, and it was one of the most amazing things I've ever done. She and I ended up not working out, but that experience was the epitome of romance. I don't know if I could ever have a moment that romantic again in my life.
The Qualities He Looks For In A Woman Are...
Focus, determination, and independence. I love a chick that's a boss. There's something about a woman that's independent who can still come home and have balance in her relationship. There's something that's incredibly sexy about a woman that's a boss who can come home and be a girlfriend, wife and a mother.
That's what I learned from my mom. She was the COO (Chief Operating Officer) of a twenty billion dollar bank. I've seen her in her office taking care of business then when she went home, she was in a very balanced relationship with my father. Though she was this powerful force at work, her strength never affected my parent's relationship.
The Most Profound Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Him...
It came from Mara Brock-Akil (Creator of The Game), Salim Akil (Director/Executive Producer), and Kenny Smith (Show Runner). When I got the role of Blue, I didn't understand how I got the job or why I was hired. They told me, "You have something that you don't realize and the fact that you don't realize it is why you're going to be successful." Even to this day, I still look at them like, I'm not sure what you're talking about. I just enjoying going to work everyday.
But it was something about what they said that gave me a confidence that I don't think I necessarily had before. Having someone believe in me and see something I wasn't even sure about is still such an amazing thing. Their words were so important to me because they were having me play a character that had such a huge impact on the future of the show. It felt like the pressure of whether or not The Game did well was on me. But their belief in me made me step up and feel like I could do my job with no judgment. I could simply show up, do the work and have fun.
He's An Advocate For HIV/AIDS Awareness...
HIV/AIDS has impacted my family. I've had an uncle that passed and another person that's lived with HIV for about fifteen years. African Americans are the highest affected community and we only make up 13% of the population. I participated in the Kiehl Liferide for Amfar last year. This year I'll be on a motorcycle for a week and ride over one thousand miles. Our infection rate is alarmingly higher then the rest of our counterparts in the country. I want to use my platform to be able to reach out to people that look like me to increase awareness.
He Believes Your 20s Sets You Up For Success In Your 30s...
Every single mistake, good decision and experience has built my character. From modeling to moving to LA, living in the mountains in Arizona for six months, the first time I got in a motorcycle accident, the three times I got fired from jobs; the first time I got an apartment, the first time I bought a house—all of those things set me up for today. Everything was an important lesson. I don't know if I could have handled being on a successful show like The Game and having that type of attention in my 20s. I believe your 20s are for setting you up to succeed in your 30s.
Your 30s are when you find your stride and figure out what you want to do and how you can really excel. If you figure all of this out in your 20s, God bless you; that's amazing. In your 30s, you should hopefully be stepping into your purpose and what you're supposed to be doing. You might be going through so much bullshit right now in your 20s, but when you get to where you're supposed to be you'll feel such a sense of peace.
Go behind-the-scenes of our shoot with Jay Ellis below:
Photography: Ashley Nguyen | Styling: Ugo Mozie | Grooming: Starlynn Burden | Videography: Jasmine "Jas Fly" Waters
In the middle of a hectic press day to promote the fourth season of the immensely popular Tyler Perry soap opera “The Haves and The Have Nots”, Tyler Lepley’s humility and gratitude for a career that many people dream of resonates through his smile.
The 28-year-old actor had to overcome quite a few challenges to become the man he is today. After his dreams of having a flourishing football career was cut short, the Philly native moved to LA where he couched surfed and found work as a personal trainer. Years later, he auditioned for Tyler Perry and scored his big break as the character Benjamin "Benny" Young in OWN's first scripted series.
During the promo run for the fourth season of "The Have and Have Nots", I sat down with the charming actor, and our conversation got candid as he opened up about his own insecurities being mixed (Italian and Jamaican) and being the only black kid in school. He also shared that he had to learn to love himself and not seek validation from others. This allowed our chat to segue into how therapy has helped him to be in better control of his anger and emotions on screen and off camera.
July is Minority Mental Health Awareness Month so our conversation on black men and therapy was oddly fitting. There’s still an unfortunate stigma in the black community around mental health awareness. A lot of the black community doesn't believe in mental health issues, let alone therapy sessions. That goes double for black men.
“When someone is always taking from you, you’re ready to put your foot down," Tyler says, "One of the best things you can do to channel that anger is to be emotionally sophisticated enough to articulate what you feel, it’s going to save you from being in a lot of trouble.”
This man is everything. He’s won me over and yes, he’s still single. In our interview, Tyler also shared his thoughts on realizing his purpose, what he’s looking for in a wife, and his views on black men and therapy.
xoNecole: Since you didn’t necessarily
come to L.A. to be an actor, what kept you in pursuit of this new dream in between roles?
TL: Initially I put all of my eggs into to the basket, which was football, and to not have it not work out but to wake up in the morning and still be okay, I still have another shot. I’m still breathing. When I look back at it, the writing was on the wall. God does this to me all the time; he’ll drop something in my lap and it’s up to me to use my intuition to try and feel it out, apply faith to it and do the best I can with it and not worry about the end result because that’s what faith is about. I think that’s helped me to navigate these waters even though I didn’t necessarily have as much experience as my peers.
xoNecole: Are there any particular insecurities that you had to overcome to be the man that you are today?
TL: Yes, everyday. I grew up being teased because I was the only black kid in an all white school. I had to overcome always seeking outside validation because when you don’t get it, you feel like crap on the inside. I’m mixed so growing up, I didn’t know how to do my hair. I was trying to put pomade and hairspray in it and it wasn’t working. Everyone around me said I wasn’t cool but one day I looked in the mirror and I said I liked how I looked. It’s about loving yourself without having to go through someone else to tell you you’re good enough. You shouldn’t have to wait for someone else to say they love you. You have to love yourself and once you get that, there’s a calmness that sets in and you’re just happier.
xoNecole: Was there a particular situation that sparked your research into therapy and willingness to attend a few sessions?
TL: My acting coach always talked about the benefits of therapy. If you’re not working on your emotions, they can go cold or numb. And if life is just so happy and you haven’t connected with any of the deep pain you feel, a lot of times with pain, what’s the first thing you do? You look the other way because it feels better, so if you have to feel one of those deep moments where you have to cry on cue, the idea is to have it be real. So therapy helps you to work on your emotions so you can call on them.
What made me stay in therapy is when I started to enjoy it.
I’m Jamaican and Italian so I’m wired to snap, not in a bad way, but I have a temper and that’s not the way you’re supposed to handle situations.
I’m not a dictator, so if things don’t go my way, that doesn’t give me the right to be a crab apple or be rude to someone. I caught myself in certain situations where I wasn’t in control of what I was feeling and therapy helped me to gain that control. Now, you can tease me all you want, I like myself now so I’m fine.
xoNecole: What advice would you share with men, especially men of color, who may not feel comfortable with seeking professional help?
TL: Find a way to channel your emotions. If you don’t want to act, find a book to read or maybe sit down and start writing. If you think it’s not macho to talk to a professional at first, start somewhere easy like you’re mom, or a sibling, I talk to my cat sometimes, just express yourself. And don’t take yourself so seriously to think it makes you not cool to understand yourself, that’s madness. It’s good to know how you feel so you can really assert yourself.
For young black males, because of everything we’ve had to overcome, we’re wired to be aggressive. When someone is always taking from you, you’re ready to put your foot down, one of the best things you can do to channel that anger is to be emotionally sophisticated enough to articulate what you feel, it’s going to save you from being in a lot of trouble.
xoNecole: In previous interviews you mentioned that you parents have been married for twenty-five years, what have they taught you about love and relationships?
TL: They taught me not to settle for anything less than what I deserve which is what they have. There’s going to be ups and downs in anything but you guys have to be each other’s rocks. I’ve seen my dad really down before as strong of a man as he is and my mom was right there to lift him up and vice versa. There were times growing up when my mom would come home from work and she needed help and my dad was right there. That synergy to work together to accomplish something bigger is what I would like some day.
[Tweet "[My parents marriage] taught me not to settle for anything less than what I deserve. "]
xoNecole: Looking back on when you first got to L.A. and you were sleeping on your cousin’s floor, what would you tell your younger self about persevering through the tough times?
TL: The first thing I would say is to breathe and relax because when things are going crazy, the anxiety can paralyze you. Trust yourself, we all have these gut feelings; it could be on a first date, it could be in a job or in my case it could be not knowing what I’m going to do when I moved to L.A. but I felt like I was supposed to be here. We all have those moments where we doubt ourselves but stand in front of the mirror and believe that you’re good enough. Trust that you have enough talent to get you to where you want to be. I know it’s a daunting task. I use to wake up and think ‘I’ve never even acted before, how am I ever going to get good enough to be on a platform as big as OWN?’ It all starts from trusting yourself, learning how to tune people out, and letting your inner voice be the main thing you listen to.
[Tweet "It all starts from trusting yourself, and letting your inner voice be the main thing you listen to."]
In case you didn't know, Serayah McNeill is one cool chick. Although the actress is most known for her role as Tiana Brown, an emerging pop starwith Rihanna-inspired Caribbean tracks and a mean dutty whine on FOX's hit series Empire, off-screen Serayah is just a 21-year-old coming into her own and adjusting to fame.
xoNecole recently caught up with the LA native, and she dished out some cool fun facts that sealed the deal --she's our new best friend in our heads. Here's what we learned:
She embraces her curls...
"My hair has always been curly, I started to straighten it because I didn't like how big it was. On the show, Lee wanted my hair big and curly every episode, it helped me accept myself and who I am in my natural state. It was really cool to be able to have my character on the show have natural hair."
As far as auditioning...
"I don't want to fall into the pressures of looking a certain way or being a certain size. For example, I've always wanted to be taller. But to be in this industry, I've had to accept every aspect of myself including the fact that I'm short! It is what it is and I'll get the roles that are meant for me."
She and her mom are BFF Goals...
"My mom is my best friend, we talk about everything. She's my reality check. She definitely talks to me from a different perspective--from the outside looking in. She tells me how things really are and at the end of the day, she's usually right!"
Her circle of friends is changing...
"To finally be in the position that I'm in and to see people that have changed around me is an unveiling process. I have started to realize that certain people I've known [before Empire], as well as family, have began to act weird or have said weird things. It's all a part of figuring out who I am at this stage because I have had to question people's motives. Why do they want to be around me? Are they sincere? Why do they want to be my friend? Unfortunately, that does cross my mind. But I try to keep an open mind and give everyone a clean slate until something goes wrong, but it can be tough."
She's a Daddy's girl...
"My dad isn't very outspoken so, when we talk about anything like relationships, it gets a little weird. He's definitely led by example. He taught me to be respected. In talking to him about certain boyfriends I had in high school, he would say, 'You don't need that...you're this type of woman.' I needed that clarity growing up so I would understand my worth. I think that type of advice is best if possible to come from your father."
She's nothing like her character Tiana...
"Tiana, oh God, she's definitely nothing like me when it comes to relationships. She values money and her career a lot more than her dignity. I don't think Empire has given much background on Tiana and why she makes certain decisions as of yet. She's definitely taught me to stay focused and just do me."
Life before the fame...
"I was going to community college majoring in theatre, working at H&M, and modeling on the side as well as singing and dancing. I was booking some commercials, but I really wanted to be on a TV show. I wrote that down on my vision board, and I really started to hone in and focus in on what I really wanted to do. I'm very spiritual, and I think my belief and God as well as always putting good energy into the world has made a difference. Not giving up is a main factor for anything you want. You can't be so hard on yourself. I also have a great support system of people that love me and keep me reassured and motivated. Even when I didn't see anything happening it could be so frustrating. You have to remember the blessing is in the works. And this is all a process. That's also applicable to right now and what I want for my future, everything is still a process, there are a lot of things I'm working towards that I won't give up on."
Vision boards help shape her life...
"I'm still auditioning for a couple movie roles that are now on my vision board. I pray that if it's God's will that I book a certain role, then it's already mine. I try to put everything I have into the roles I'm auditioning for. I do get attached to the character I'm studying prior to the audition, so it still hurts not to book a role, but it could be for a variety of reasons, including a scheduling conflict with Empire. Whatever's next for me, it's going to be amazing and that's what I keep at the forefront of my mind."
She's learned the most on set from...
"Terrence Howard. He has a very giving spirit. When I first met him, during our lunch break, I happened to sit next to him. He, my mom, and I had a great conversation. He's very intellectual. We were speaking recently and he's the complete opposite of his character, Lucious Lyon. In actuality, he's not only very encouraging, but sincere."
She's most proud of...
"In addition to Empire, meeting people that I admire that are fans of mine has been amazing. Patti Labelle and Jennifer Hudson have given me compliments, and that has meant so much to me.
"No matter how many insecurities I have or how hard I am on myself, there are people that see and appreciate my work; I'll always remember those moments.
"As well as having Terrence Howard and Malik Yoba help me with my lines and encourage me to stand out and do my best, I'm also blessed for the opportunities I've had to perform in front of 50,000 people [onstage with Taylor Swift]. I never would have imagined doing something like that. The energy from that is an out-of-body experience. I can understand how artists can be on the road for months at a time doing the same exact show but feeling like it's something new every time. Those moments are all so inspiring and have been the highlights of my year."
Featured image by Michael Bezjian/Getty Images for TAO