It was the Sunday before Thanksgiving and I was in the middle of one of the biggest fights of my life. Perhaps, the most hurtful part of the blind anger, and blood red rage was who I was in the fight with. My opponent during that fight wasn't supposed to be an opponent at all, he was my fiancé and almost a year ago, to that date, he had asked me to marry him. And now, we were fighting each other with words that could make anyone think that love had never grown, made, lived, or stayed there between us at all.
It was an hour before our food tasting at the wedding venue, but I could not feel anything. I was numb. I watched his back walk out of the door to leave.
Tears flowed down my face.
I accepted the sadness I felt in the time following our break up. Not for him. They were for me. I felt like the relationship failed despite all my effort. It was a realization that only solidified more as I thought of the save-the-dates that had gone out to family and friends, the venue that was halfway paid for, the wedding dress I no longer had a need for.
How could I stop now?
As I look back now, I realize that the feeling of failure was still easier to swallow than regret would ever be. And the relief I felt after sadness subsided forced me to realize that I was glad the train had stopped well before it pulled into the station. Deep down, I was grateful to him for walking away.
It meant I no longer had to say “yes" when every fiber of my being was screaming “no" all for the sake of a so-called happy ending with a man I no longer felt moved by or enamored with.
It's okay to be wrong in love.
Here are the 7 signs I wish I paid attention to long before that fight that told me the wedding was off:
Nothing About Our Relationship Was Organic
I met my ex-fiance the day before my first solo trip out of the country. I re-read the article I wrote about it now laughing at my ignorance. I didn't listen to a friend that said, “Get to know a man through all four seasons before committing your life to him." I had it mapped out to a science. Controlling my destiny was so important, I even organized the date and time of his marriage proposal. It wasn't a surprise. Nothing about our relationship came naturally because I was constantly forcing him to show love he didn't rightfully feel.
Of course, a man can say he loves you, but if he wakes up in the morning, fixes a full breakfast for himself and never asks, “Are you hungry?", you can make a safe bet that his words are just words. Love motivates us to be selfless.
Love moves us to give and, when it's authentic, giving is as natural as breathing. I ignored all the signs while simultaneously depending on signs to hold us together. What do I mean? The distance between us and our inability to communicate was consistent. However, on days where he'd happen to finish my sentences I thought, Oh my God, that's the sign that he was made for me. I just got to stay committed and rock with him!
Trust what is consistent. Trust your heart. I learned to stop fishing for signs and see things as they are.
My Body Changed
I gained 15 pounds. It wasn't the cutesy “date night eating out" weight because date nights ceased with a wedding looming overhead. It was stress weight. After my annual biometric screening, I was told to take a stress test. My blood pressure was incredibly high. If that wasn't enough, the hair around my temples receded after I'd cut off all my hair. I felt horrible about myself. The progress I'd made just the year before in being the healthiest I'd ever been was completely wiped away.
I Made No Personal Advancements
While personal advancement is a self-motivated decision, sometimes I was so obsessed with the relationship that I stifled my own growth. It's important to hold some energy back for your own goals and ambition. It's also important to connect to a man or woman who is your ultimate cheerleader. On days you run out of energy, he/she makes you feel like you can leap over tall buildings. Most importantly, you cultivate that “I Can Do Anything" spirit from having a healthy balance between your personal goals and the "us" goals. I didn't have the balance. It was all about building the "us" life and my life lost its luster.
I Had To Fake That The Picture Was Perfect
I became wedding planning obsessed while the relationship was falling apart. The image of the “best day of our lives" was the only joy I had. We made the commitment so we had to make it work. If I focused on the wedding plans, then the relationship would work itself out. I just had to keep pushing forward. I began overcompensating by creating the “grand" wedding in effort to mask the fear that I was making a mistake.
I went to my second bridal shop and found THE dress. I'd watched hundreds of would-be brides stand on the podium when they finally said 'yes to the dress' and cry tears of pure joy. My mother was teary-eyed. Her firstborn was in a gorgeous gown with a chapel-length veil. It was real now. I was going to marry him and I felt sick. I stood there with a beautiful dress on and the owner of the boutique said, “I sense some hesitation." The hesitation she sensed was not about the dress…it was my heart.
I remember leaving the boutique. Still manufacturing excitement, I called him saying “I found the dress!" He said, “That's nice. I'll call you after I'm finished doing what I'm doing." I stared at the phone, beeping with the sound of an abruptly-ended call. The wedding dress that should have been freeing felt like a straightjacket.
I Was Not Keeping God At The Center
My relationship with God came to a standstill because building this other relationship became the singular focus. I'd sit in church and plan out table settings and centerpieces in my head. I'd fill the hole with keeping busy. A friend said something so powerful to me once: “Christ is so important in a relationship because every time I get into an argument with my wife, I am convicted. My relationship with God gives me that push to say, 'Hey, I'm sorry.' God values at the center of your relationship holds you to a higher standard of how you treat each other. She is my partner and not my enemy."
It should never get to a place where name-calling is the go-to defense or ending the relationship becomes a curse-filled mantra. God is the compass that causes you to honor each other even in heated disagreements.
I Felt Really Alone In My Relationship
There I was, seven months away from the big day and I felt more alone than I'd ever felt in my life. I'd been stripped of my first love, which was travel, in order to prioritize the relationship first and not offend my soon-to-be-husband. He was on the couch playing video games or watching Netflix. I was in the bedroom buying home appliances or watching Four Weddings. This would go on for hours with barely two words spoken to each other until I fell asleep or he left the apartment to "do something." I became a clam, only imparting my feelings to my friends. He became resentful, using the silent treatment towards me whether we were together or apart.
Communication failed and therefore so did trust. My relationship with my friends ceased to exist. When I went to Barbados with my college friend for my birthday, a monkey ran across the main power line on the island and shut down the power in three parishes. The power outage also impacted the cell phone towers. To my fiancé, the story seemed as far fetched as it sounded. I spent most of the time there arguing about the veracity of the power outage on the island. Even in another country, I was unhappy. We were in a relationship in title but could not have been more apart in action.
We Were No Longer Compatible
Seeing value in what makes you different and appreciating it is what makes relationships work. He and I had two very different backgrounds. I am very suburban and he is very urban. I am a newbie traveler and he is a chronic homebody. He is frugal. I am for fabulosity on a budget. Our differences became obstacles instead of assets. They were weapons that drove a wedge between us instead of drawing us closer together. What we failed to do was respect the incredible things that made us unique. No one will ever find a person who is compatible in every way. Compatibility is important when it comes to values but differences are important to building mature balanced relationships.
The apartment was empty. I stared at a brand new Spin & Scrub Hoover vacuum cleaner and my new touchless trash can. All of these high tech appliances surrounded me but a gilded cage is still a cage. Actress Meagan Good's husband, Devon Franklin once said, "For anybody that has ever been married getting the ring isn't the end of the story. Unless God cosigned that ring, you are in trouble. Don't compare your life to someone else's life because you could be coveting trouble."
Thanksgiving Day, I had a family auction. I gave away most of the things I'd purchased during the course of the relationship. It gave me the closure I needed, and the satisfaction of witnessing my family and friends receive the things they needed.
To my surprise the family embraced my change in relationship status with a “thank God".
They saw the sadness I thought I'd masterfully masked. The fear I had of failure dissipated with each Taboo card thrown on the dinner table and each piece of cinnamon glazed sweet potato pie passed around. Life goes on!
We are living, breathing beings that grow and change.
I am embracing the fact that every relationship isn't the right one. I've learned to make a U-turn when it's necessary. No amount of commitment in the world is worth sacrificing your happy. By all means, get your happy!
Do you have a personal story that has happened to you and left you feeling empowered? Share your story with the xoNecole readers by sending your submissions to editor@xonecole.com!
Featured image by Beatriz Pérez Moya on Unsplash
While Mary Jane is a fictional character, how many examples do we have of celebrities going broke to pander to the poor spending habits of relatives and friends from 'round da way? This is even more of a relatable scenario if you are the successful exception in your family.
If one person in the family "makes it," the expectation is that they will support everyone. Establishing boundaries are even harder to do if just a few months ago you were living on your mom's couch eating a Cup of Noodles, now if she's asking you to return the favor, how can you say no? A favor can quickly become the go-to bail out plan. Suddenly, you have become your family's walking ATM.
The tough love required to dig yourself out of becoming their personal GoFundMe will require a backbone and these important steps.
You Are Not Their Savior
10 people should not be on your cell phone plan, using your Netflix account, and using your name to cosign a loan. It is not your responsibility to save your entire family from financial distress by becoming the enabler of their poor habits. Your financially stability is not only a necessity but a vitality.
There is an illustration that if a lifeguard is going to save someone they must put on their life vest FIRST before attempting to save the drowning man. This depiction also applies to being the "Great Hope of the Family Finances." You are not a savior, leave that to Jesus. A savior does not require accountability on the part of the person they are saving. They only seek to pull someone out of a poor situation without there being any requirements on the person being saved not to return to the poor situation.
While most of us would love a lump sum of money with no strings attached, our financial successes came with huge sacrifices. You are doing yourself and the sacrifices you've made along the way a disservice by reducing yourself to a check writer.
Bury the Guilt
Repeat after me, "I will owe no one anything but love," (Romans 13:8).
When we talk about debt, we often talk about physical debt in the form of credit cards, loans, bad investments, etc. However, the most crippling debt is emotional. Often, the thing that keeps us from progressing financially is tied to memories that keep us captive. The shame of memories from when we were at our lowest can keep us indebted to our friends and family.
So, to combat the emotional tether, it will require physical action. Pull out pictures or a symbol that reminds you of that time, put them in a box, and bury them. We will not be tethered in our present actions by a past memory. Saying your goals out loud and releasing yourself from being indebted will send you on a path to pursue the financial freedom you are seeking.
Start a Family Fund
If you have a parent or grandparent who have found themselves in a financial hole, I would suggest that you budget an amount monthly that you will contribute to an account. Name the account the "Family Fund."
For example, if you contribute $100.00 a month, then that is the ONLY money that you contribute to that account. Make your designated family member a joint account holder to the account. Then they will receive a debit card that they can use to draw money from the account. Once the money in that account is gone, you are no longer obligated to give any more. The responsibility is then theirs to use it as sparingly or often as they like.
We do not have to sacrifice our own financial stability in order to improve our families. Building generational wealth means that someone has to be the pied piper of the movement and strong enough to break the financial cycles that have kept us crippled. So, the next time fam says, "'Cuz, I'm tryna be a bawse like you."
Smile. Pull out a chair and say, "Great, get your notebook."
Featured image via Being Mary Jane/BET
While other people were celebrating career wins, I was living at home waiting for my "big break." I believed that if I just kept my head down and worked hard, eventually that would be rewarded with a promotion.
Instead, I found that the more efficiently I did the service work, the more service work was thrown in my direction. People were under the impression that I really "needed" the hours. I realized that my reflection spoke, "Need". My image said, "She's desperate for the money," and their treated behavior reflected pity instead of respect.
After weeks of back-to-back 16 hour days, I'd reached my breaking point. I was tired of being an hourly, graveyard shift employee who couldn't afford a day off without making life decisions about eating or having enough to afford public transportation to and from work. I constantly saw the executive, predominantly white, women around me discuss their lengthy vacations and spa treatments. Meanwhile, my coworkers were often sick, injured, tired, and stressed out.
The morale was crumbling around me and, I decided I wanted more. I was more.
I stopped making excuses for my condition and started observing the C-Suite and the women I secretly envied. I boldly asked them questions in dirty scrubs. I implemented five rules that not only catapulted me out of CNA scrubs and into a pencil skirt, but increased my salary by 35K in ONE year. I had discovered the habits and rules of conduct that changed not only my circumstances, but how I viewed myself.
1. Your Bedroom Is Your Boardroom
I ran home, took out an old lipstick, and started writing my war plan on my bedroom mirror. The bedroom is the place where the wig comes off, the makeup comes off, and we are naked to the truth. It's where we write our hopes and dreams. It is our sanctuary. However, transforming it into the board room and the place where affirmations, concepts, and the vision for my life was created, allowed me to see the roadmap clearly.
Creating a business plan for your life is so important to have a clear view of what aligns and doesn't align with it. That one move to wake up to affirmations and end the evening with a review of whether I completed that day's goals, gave me direction. I no longer felt like my future was left to fate alone.
2. Busy Is Not Better
Studying the executives that walked around me, I noticed they were strategic in the positions they took and the titles they fought for. They negotiated quality of life perks like working from home twice a week. Some even wrangled companies to pay for their living expenses. Be strategic about the commitments you make.
In the beginning, I threw all the balls in the air. The busier I was, the more productive I thought I'd look. The goal is not to "look" busy, but to be busy, checking off the goals that you created in step 1. The object is to manage your commitments to stay productive not necessarily busy.
3. Progress Is Better Than Perfection
I heard a podcast featuring Paul Brunson where he said, "Some people point, aim, and aim, and aim so long the gun gets jammed and they never fire." I was a chronic "waiter" I waited for the right time, the right money, the right temperature, the right flight price. In pulling the trigger, I realized that having a unique skill set outweighs multiple degrees and certifications. I have the power to make people believe that I can produce the impossible, and I have the fortitude to see it through. When I realized that, I was able to land a job within an industry that was "lily white."
Embrace the experiences that make you unique, and a position will create itself.
4. Fly Before You Walk
When I began to see myself as an Executive while collecting urine samples as a CNA, my actions started to emulate my thoughts. I began to walk like a suit in conversation and demeanor before ever leaving scrubs. In fact, people started to see what I felt and ask me things like, "Will you consider joining our committee? You should apply for..." A family member told me, "You learned to fly before you learned to walk."
In other words, see yourself in the positions and places you want to be and then create the action plan to get there. The same people who projected pity were now asking me to assist them on projects. Because I learned to display the value and unique perspective I brought to the table, they recognized that they could not ask for assistance without offering something return. They offered to pay me for my assistance. Now, a position that had once only provided one paycheck, provides multiple. #wingsandthings.
5. Name Yourself
My aunt used to say, "It's not what they call you, it's what you answer to." The more that I understood what I brought to the table, the more other people began to call for me to address the needs within the organization. However, where there are supporters, there are also people who question your ability. The retorts of, "She was just a CNA, she's not credentialed to speak on these things," sought to halt me from achieving purpose. However, part of step 1 was identifying my weak spots.
On the weekends, I sought online certifications in order to shut the haters' mouths and leverage myself into higher positions. I recognized that ascension does not come without controversy. Some of the executives of whom I sought guidance from now give me the cold shoulder. I could not understand why until I heard Tera Carissa Hodges say, "People are not very often envious of your things. They are envious of the time you have left."
Pursuing purpose requires a clear action plan that most do not find until the second half of their lives.
If you are fortunate enough to tap into it early, not everyone will be a fan. However, we do not have time to focus on who is not a member of our fan club because that is only a distraction.
So this is for the service workers, the women who ride the bus to work, the women who did not grow up with mentors or a clear path and feel like they are in dead end, thankless jobs. This is for us. There is a scripture that says, we "call forth those things that are not as if they already are" Romans 4:17.
What are you calling forth in 2018? Your journey to the boardroom begins now. Let's go.
Featured image by Getty Images
“I don’t want a man anymore. I resolve just to be a free spirit and travel the earth.”
That’s what I told myself days before my 31st Birthday. The truth was I was beyond frustrated with the dating scene, so I planned my first solo trip, my first plane ride, and my first time out of the country all in one. I was going to Jamaica. Stella was going to find her groove. The trip was partially crafted in defiance of the “settle down and be still until he finds you” discussions I’d recently had with family and friends. The “if you do everything now what will you have to experience with husband?” argument annoyed me. It fueled my resolve. Every Instagram post was earmarked #travelismyboyfriend.
However, I secretly had a newly revised January 2015 husband character list that was extensive and specific. I suppose deep down I was always a hopeless romantic, though my “emancipated from patriarchy” banner waved high and free (and still does for that matter). It started when I was a little girl. I obsessed over a scene in the action movie Face/Off where John Travolta runs his hand over his wife and son's faces as a way of saying, “I love you.” I was 12 when I first saw the movie but I asked God, “Let me know when I meet my husband, because he will know what it means when I run my hand over his face like in ‘Face/Off’.” I would test this theory with every man I dated from that time forward, but I never found one who knew what it meant. I thought God thought my request was silly. However, with my new found preoccupation with greeting blue water and white sands for the first time I put dating and marriage thoughts on the back burner.
Two days before I left for Jamaica I was hitting the delete button on all of my online dating profiles. Just a few months before I’d cast a wide dating net. My failures in the dating scene definitely wasn’t for lack of trying! I had SEV-ER-AL dating sites poppin’. I went to after work mixers, joined new social circles, and paid for a local gym subscription. Everything I read on lifestyle blogs and Demetria Lucas (of Belle In Brooklyn) told me to do to put myself in the optimal atmosphere of being ‘chosen’ chile’, I was doing it!
But the fish that bit weren’t it. So, two days before my departure I gave up trying force a meeting with Mr. Right. I was about to click the delete button on my last dating profile when a brother with a great lonely dimple and a teddy bear face popped up on my screen. After much internal debate, I dismissively sent him one line, “I like your face.” 11 hours of conversation later, we’d agreed to meet for a first date. He was amazing, but there was no time for boo loving! I was leaving for Jamaica the next morning.
While in Jamaica, I met God at sunrise on the beach with prayer. I ate my way into a frenzy. I climbed waterfalls, rode camels, trod through the sea horseback. I also talked to – we will call him Teddy - every day I was there. When I returned home, he was waiting for me. I’d find out that we went to the same college the same year. We had a mutual friend who never introduced us. We danced around each other for years! But I still needed a direct sign. One night after a really deep conversation about God and family on a jungle gym in the park, I decided to try the spirit. I ran my hand over his face as I’d seen in the movie Face/Off.
I swear I saw a shocked look on his face and my heart starting beating fast at the prospect of him actually knowing what I just did. So, I swallowed my nerves and asked, “You don’t know where that is from, do you?” He answered me, “Yes, Face/Off.” I held my breath. Then he said the sweetest words I ever heard, “And Danielle, I love you, too.”
Well baaaaabbby, six months later and not a single day apart I didn’t hesitate to say, “GRACIOUS GOD YES!” As the girl who thought she would never get married marches her way to the altar, there are three important things I learned on my journey.
1. Approach Dating Like a Traveler
I stopped caring. I’m not saying go out without brushing your teeth, but I was carefree on my first date with Teddy. I didn’t have an expectations because I was too high on the fact that I was leaving the country the next day. He said from the time he turned on the car radio and I started dancing, I eased his nerves and he was hooked. Being your authentic self will draw your match to love the whole you.
[Tweet "Being your authentic self will draw your match to love the whole you."]
Still, I approached dating as if I was just passing through, which translated as mysteriously confident and not overbearing desperation. I didn’t translate our first date into “is this my husband?” as I had countless times before. I remember laughing until I snorted, which would have been my kiss of death on any other date. But with Teddy, I was no longer worried about impression. I was free. Being you is your greatest asset. You want him to be attracted to the authentic you because otherwise he’d commit to a fraud.
2. Your List May Be Flawed
I have written about how I wanted what my girls and I called a “suit”. Translation: a corporate brotha who is the smooth, briefcase toting type. It definitely wasn’t my wonderful ex jock who has opened my car door every day since I met him. I almost missed out. Your list is FLAWED and if you only accept what’s on your list, you will get EXACTLY what you ask for, but it may not be what you need.
[Tweet "If you only accept what’s on your list you'll get what you ask for, but it may not be what you need."]
I watched an episode of Black Love on FYI, where Monet Bell (a former wife on Married at First Sight) said she wanted an “old fashioned” man. She got what she asked for. She married a man who wanted her to cook, clean and raise the kids. It wasn’t what she was looking for and it wasn’t until a therapist corrected her word choice that she realized her mistake. “You want a gentleman, not a man with old fashioned values.” Sometimes when we write or verbalize what we are looking for, we are asking for the wrong thing. Be open and flexible to the fact that your list may have flaws and allow him the space to evolve just like you are.
3. You Will Know
People will say a host of things. “You need to date for two years to be sure. You don’t really know someone until you live with them. You have to wait for the honeymoon period to wear off. How will you know if its infatuation or love?” Joining your life to someone else is a commitment. I’ve met people who’ve had arranged marriages and have lasted for 50 years. In a world that puts more value on chemistry than commitment, it’s easy to get caught up in the Whitney, “How Will I Know?” track and never be convinced or satisfied. The truth is there is nothing that can change the mind of a man or woman who is committed to commitment. Commitment yields consistency and consistency builds trust. There is also a gut feeling. The same gut feeling that makes you hold back from completely trusting, Mr. Wrong is the same gut feeling that catapults you forward in knowing Mr. Right.
When I gave up searching for him and traveled to learn more about myself, I met my him by accident. When you embrace the unique and divinely made person that is YOU, it attracts all the things that are dancing around your door. LIVE intentionally and love incidentally.
