We’ve Said A Word About Toxic Fathers, But Who’s Talking About Toxic Mothers?
Growing up, I was made to feel like I was the problem and because I was in the midst of puberty, it was easy enough to use the misbehaved teenager as the scapegoat.
I recall my mother holding me responsible for her marital issues. Even more vivid in my mind, is being called an ungrateful b*tch for wanting my biological father to participate in debutante with me (a long story for a different day). And worst of all, I remember believing these things.
As I grow both in age and in maturity, I have come to see things with my mother for what they are: toxic.
Although I know of some of the struggles and hardships my mother faced growing up with an absentee mother, I can't pretend to know everything that comes with that baggage, nor would I dare to share a story that isn't mine to share.
What I do know is that she has beaten the odds like crazy, and as a result so did I. Statistically speaking, nothing about her childhood circumstances would have predicted a future as bright as hers. Not then, not in the years she worked to escape an abusive marriage, and not even now, after we've already witnessed the unimaginable watching her negate almost every statistic spewed about the future of teen moms.
In so many ways, she's won. But in never truly dealing with the trauma of her past, she's at risk of losing a lot more by isolating the people who love her.
My sister has already begun to feel the despair of our mother's behavior. She told me not too long ago that she feels like dying some days due to our mother's draining and constant negativity. My mother continues to push my brother to perfection, begging him to "man up" when he shows his more shy and reserved qualities unfit for her, tragically unable to see how this only hurts him.
In learning that "broken people break people", I've also learned to dial back my anger and evaluate my own expectations of who my mom should be. I'm understanding the importance of meeting her where she is but in turn that means recognizing where I am.
At the moment, as I work towards improving my own negative qualities, that means choosing the preservation of my own well-being over our relationship.
Toxic parenting is a vicious cycle of learned habits that are consequently passed down from generation to generation, if and when they are not corrected. Nonetheless, working through toxic shit also requires us to rise from our own sunken places, even though we are sometimes unable to recognize that they exist to begin with.
Related: It's OK Not To Talk to Toxic Parents
Because of this inability to recognize what's packed away in our baggage, there are a whole lot of kids taking on the unresolved issues of their parent's past. This baggage carries over into that child's own adult life, relationships, and parenting methods.
In being able to label my mother's behavior, it gave pause to my past, present, and future. I was able to undo some of the hurt from my adolescence by understanding it wasn't all in my head. I was able to pinpoint the ways that I'm like her, as well as work toward changing in hopes of not carrying out this particular part of her legacy.
It seems that we've put so much energy into focusing on the threat posed when a father figure is not up to par, that we've completely neglected to inform and check mothers who pose the same threat.
Children fall through the cracks of toxic motherhood every day, but there's little to nothing being said about it.
We as a society have normalized behavior that is actually toxic. Toxicity comes in many different forms and levels. These behaviors include jealousy, manipulation, and gaslighting, as well as constant criticism, never allowing you to speak without judging, dismissing, or berating you. Then, of course, there's playing the victim. Whatever pretty packaging that toxicity comes in doesn't negate the fact that it's still just that.
Cutting off parents, especially our mothers, is not always an option, and it's certainly never the easy option. But here's a word as someone who is putting in work now to ensure that this toxicity ends with me: I'm not in a place to tolerate negativity from any source. To be real, I have enough negative energy circulating in my own mind, there's no need for me to take on hers as well. If that means distancing myself from the woman who carried me, I'm prepared to be OK with that.
We're often told to be forgiving because of the circumstances that shaped our mothers, but at what cost?
Forgiveness should never mean sacrificing your sense of self, peace, and happiness.
My mother has dealt with a lot of heartache in her life, including a mother who was far more toxic and unstable than she is. As much as I empathize with all that she endured, it doesn't grant enough mercy for me to lay myself on the cross for her. The more I grow, the less willing I find myself to go back to a place where her psychological abuse is acceptable and tolerated simply because she's a better version of toxicity than her own mother.
We accept the love that we think we deserve, and I've been far too lenient in what I'm willing to accept from all parties involved. And, when I think of the type of behavior I overlook in regards to my mother, I know it's something I'd never consider entertaining if it were my partner, friend, or anyone else. At least not anymore.
With that in mind, I know I deserve more than what my mother can offer me right now and in order to seek it out, I have to respectfully decline her love...and so I do.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
Featured image by Getty Images
- Dealing With Toxic Parents - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- My Family Gaslights Me: Signs & How To Overcome - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- This Is How To Avoid Becoming The Toxic Mother That You Had - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, Wellness ›
- 10 Signs You Had Toxic Parents — And How to Break the Cycle ... ›
- Surviving the Toxic Parent | Psychology Today ›
- Distancing Yourself From Toxic Parents | HuffPost ›
- 13 Signs Of A Toxic Parent That Many People Don't Realize ›
- 9 Signs You Have A Toxic Parent ›
- 10 Signs You Have A Toxic Parent – HealthyWay ›
- 10 Traits of Toxic Parents Who Ruin Their Children's Lives Without ... ›
- Toxic Parents – Parents who do unloving things in the name of love ›
- 10 Traits of Toxic Parents Who Ruin Their Children's Lives - YouTube ›
- Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming ... ›
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images