Your Family & Friends Don’t Always Know What’s Best For You
"If I were you, I would do this…"
While this type of advice often comes from a genuine place, it can often be misguided wisdom especially when the person isn't privy to every detail pertaining to the situation.
On a recent episode of Love Is__ (one of my favorite shows on the OWN Network), "Angela" is adamant about the fact that "Nuri" shouldn't call "Yasir" in light of all that has transpired. Angela believes he's still living with his so-called girlfriend, and that he's not being truthful about his situation. For her, this is more than enough for Nuri to call it quits with Yasir.
However, unbeknownst to Angela, it's clear to Yasir and Nuri that they're destined to be together…and at the end of the day, that's all that really matters. While Nuri respects and appreciates Angela's insight and her friendship, she feels differently and is willing to take a risk despite how different and unexpected their lives seem to be at this point. Neither her, or Yasir, are willing to let this rough patch ruin what will ultimately be a lasting love story.
Shows like Love is__, Black Love Doc, and even Insecure (just to name a few of my favorites) are friendly reminders that even though your close family and friends may have the best intentions for you, they won't always know what's best for you. When it comes to making decisions in your life, there are times when you'll need to consult your family and friends, but there will also be times when you will have to trust your gut and rely on your inner spirit and intuition.
Hence, choose wisely who and when you seek advice from when it comes to these certain areas of your life:
Making Relationship Decisions
Contrary to popular belief, no two relationships are ever identical because all of us are different. Even though I've noticed many similarities between Yasir and Nuri's story and my own personal love story, there are still some significant differences between the two relationships. Not to mention the fact that it's a television show (even though it is loosely based on the true love story of acclaimed show creators and producers Salim and Mara Brock Akil).
Nevertheless, what might have worked for someone else's relationship may not necessarily work for your relationship, let alone even apply to your relationship. Many people make the mistake of trying to emulate their relationship experiences after what they see on Instagram, television, in the movies, or even in real life.
They fail to realize that love is possible in so many ways, and not every relationship will be the same.
For instance, some would venture to say that you can't meet the love of your life at the club, but I can't say that when the reality is that my husband and I met at the club. Is that rare? Probably. But was it possible? Obviously, since the rest is history. Plus, I know couples who met at church, the grocery store, on vacation, and I know couples who even met online.
I know couples who dated for 10 years then got married, and I know couples who got married after only dating for six months. I know couples who have children, couples who want children, and couples who don't want kids at all. At the end of the day, we're doing this love and marriage thing in different ways, but the commonality is that we're all doing what works best for us. The same should apply to your relationships.
Don't put love in a box. Trust the journey and trust God's timing. Besides, true love has a way of showing up packaged differently or arriving sooner or later than you expected…but when it arrives, it will be exactly what you want and need.
Making Career Moves
Some people may not understand you, or even believe you, when you tell them you're: starting a side-hustle, quitting your job, going back to school, starting a business, starting a blog, or you're changing careers. Truthfully speaking, your willingness to step out of your comfort zone can make others feel uncomfortable. Some people don't want to see you change because they're committed to remaining the same. Other times, people will unknowingly project their personal fears onto you and cause you to question your decision because they may not be as willing to step out on faith and take a risk.
All of us have different dreams, goals, and aspirations, which will ultimately lead us down different paths. Some people follow their passion, while others will follow the paycheck (or both). Some people stay dreaming, while others wake up and turn their dreams into reality.
Just like with our senses, everyone's vision isn't the same – literally and figuratively. So, some people will see the vision, while others might not see what you see, but don't let that keep you stagnant. It could very well be a sign that should move in silence anyway.
It's up to you – you can do what everyone else thinks or is used to seeing you do, or you can strive to do the very thing you know you've been called to do.
Making Geographical Moves
It's one thing to feel sad about someone moving away to another city, state, or even another country, but some people will make you feel so bad that they will convince you to stay merely for their own selfish reasons.
For many people, moving to a new place can be the perfect transition to help jumpstart a new chapter in life. Traveling and experiencing new places provides the opportunity to experience and see new things. It opens your eyes and imagination to more.
For me personally, my move to Atlanta wasn't just what I needed at that time in my life because of what I was going through, but it helped shift my mindset completely. Being that I was a small city girl from Lexington, Kentucky (I love my hometown), Atlanta was where I saw more people who looked like me and where I saw more opportunity.
Atlanta helped me to see myself as a proud, unapologetic, black, professional, and successful woman – a "go-getter" (or goal digger as I like to call it).
Even when I moved, I understood then that everyone wasn't going to get it, which is why I didn't consult a lot of people about the move. Only a few people knew about my plans because I didn't want to risk someone trying to discourage me or overwhelm me with the "what ifs" about something that I knew was the right decision for my life.
You don't have to get others to affirm what God has already confirmed, especially if it's not hurtful or harmful to you or anyone else. Remember, just because someone knows you, doesn't mean they know what's best for you.
Featured image via Love Is... / OWN
Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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7 Black Men On TikTok Making Everyday Living Look ThirstTrappy
You know how many of us, ladies, keep wondering why men don’t have the same sexy, handsome looks of yesteryear? That look from the ‘60s to the ‘90s? I FOUND THEM. And guess what? They’re doing what “real” men do best…simply making themselves handy (and not just in the traditional, gendered sense of the word). These fellas make it easy to fantasize about the reality that there are still good men out there – men who come into the lives of women and make it easier and softer by contributing every day but meaningful ways.
No, I don’t know them in real life because I found them via TikTok, but that’s the fun of fantasizing. You get to take one piece of the pie and make up the rest of it as you go alone. It’s like a game of MASH–choose your fighter and then go from there.
When I was watching their videos, I was totally unaware that my libido had been laying so low OR how attractive a useful man was until I tuned in to these guys (it started with Cam, and you’ll see why shortly). And I don’t mean to make it sound like men are only as good as what they can do for you, but I think it’s safe to say that far too many men are weaponizing their incompetence and enjoy being cared for but aren’t as quick to pour back into the women keeping their day-to-day afloat. Not even in minimal ways.
That said, these men seem to be a breath of fresh air on a sunshiny day. And, allow me to be wholesome and candid for a minute but they made me optimistic that there is hope for us after all. That we can find husbands and fathers who allow us to exist in this world with less harm and hope.
And, on a less wholesome note… never mind. I choose to keep it cute, but you’ll soon know exactly why this feels like a helluva task in just a moment. The other refreshing thing about many of these videos is the ASMR vibes – very cathartic to watch; really brings a sense of peace and calm over you. And, not to gas it, but if watching a man in action in that way via TikTok does that, JUST imagine what having the real thing would be like. My God.
Here are seven Black men on TikTok making everyday living look thirstrappy AF.
Cam
@renaissancecam subsist ⚙️ #vlog #dailyvlog #sundayvlog #peace #adayinthelife #gardening #handyman #rotties #bbq #pitmaster #juicing #health #healthy #fruit #fyp #explore #foryou #viral #menshealth #farming #country #outdoors #dogs #landscaping #food #vibes
Not only does Cam (28 and single) understand the assignment when it comes to carefully selecting Sunday’s cleaning playlist but he also was handcrafted by God himself, giving us #TradMan in only the best ways possible. Based on my lurking/Inspector Gadget deep dive through his content, he chops wood, gardens, fishes, and cooks–it’s no mistake that his handle is Renaissance Cam. And, ladies, I was able to get a few other little details about him because we all know curiosity kills the cat. No need to stay curious when we can just know. Yes, he’s single. He’s a Leo. And his ideal first date is a picnic at his favorite sunset island near one of the spots where he likes to fish.
Derwynn
@lifeofdwho Look how dirty my washing machine was 🤢🤮 . . #sundayreset #sundayroutine #cleaninghacks #cleaningmotivation #homefragrance #fyp #explorepage
Next up is Derwynn, who is more of a modern man. His content centers on his Sunday resets which entail deep cleaning his home–and, if you know, you know–Black household law is that this type of cleaning must occur on Sundays. And, man, ol’ man, does he make cleaning look good. It’s no wonder more men don’t do this willingly. Most have speculated that he’s a Virgo, but he’s actually a Cancer (but maybe he has other Virgo placements throughout?)
Deon
@chakmahtheking Brcome someone you woukd be proud of‼️ Don’t settle, you’re a KING! Follw me on IG @chakmahtheking #fyp #diy #motivation #jackofalltrades #king
Mister DIY himself, in living color! Admittedly, I did have to mute that Rocky music, but all the fix-it action 100 percent makes up for that. I don’t know him, but it’s giving “my man, my man, my man” type of delusion the minute I saw him handle that power tool (like my little pun). Unlike the first two, Deon isn’t quite as subtle in his understanding that he is indeed a prize (not to be confused with thee prize, y’all). But, he is, in fact, a man that adds value in many ways. And, this is what we mean when we say bring back these men – the good with their hands, easy on the eyes type men – and we’ll bust out the apron and the table settings.
Oklahoma Cowboys
@oklahomacowboys0 🤠 #oklahomacowboys #rodeo #blackcowboys #fyp #explorepage #cowboy #blacktiktok #fypシ #losangeles #countryboy #billpickettrodeo #race
When Destiny’s Child said, “they always be talkin’ that country slang,” I imagine these are the type of men they had in mind. Cause the video alone gone bring out my Southern ancestors in my spirit, and I was born and raised in Michigan. Babbbby, this is a retro type of man, and I’m here for it. It’s also a personal belief of mine that it speaks volumes about a man’s ability to nurture in the way that they care for animals and, in turn, the way animals respond to them. What’s that they say about animals and children being the best judges of character? Unfortunately, we don’t have a name for this cowboy, but fortunately, this page is action-packed with other cowboys.
John Doe
@atvmvp #honda #hondaaccord #carsoftiktok #cars #bodywork #painting #spraypaint #restoration #accidentrepair #southcarolina #blackmen #cartok #cartiktok #7thgenaccord #blackentrepreneur #blackdudes #budgetfriendly #voiceover #countryboy
While it’s always safest to have a bald-headed daddy to handle all your car issues, it definitely doesn’t hurt to have a car-fixing zaddy on call, too. Well, here you go! Out in the garage, in the hoop shorts and the slides – now him coming inside smelling like outside, car parts, and fading cologne. We also stan a frugal, problem-solving king! Peep how he purchased a used car and a five-dollar can of spray paint and got to work. The definition of getting it out the mud, if you ask me.
Stephen
@styleunrivaled #fyp #trending #viral #atx #car #ignitioncoil
Impressive, I must say. This gentleman, Stephen, walks us through replacing his ignition coils, but he also makes himself useful in other ways. That’s word to his other TikTok, where he offers the young fellas who want to argue about why women aren’t submissive instead of giving them something worth submitting to advice.
Lee
@leeshomeimprovement Deck for the chicken coop #fyp #foryou #dmv #blacktiktok #watchthis #explore #HousestoHomes #HomeImprovement #BuildingstoCompanies #blackmenbuilds #building #constructing #StayFocused #menwithdreads #follow #share #baltimore #HGTV
While this video doesn’t quite show Lee’s face, it does show his craftsmanship. I mean, it looks secure enough–I don’t know too much about building decks, but I do know this looks about right.. As for the rest, I scoped out the facecard on his other videos, and he is worthy of this list.
These men were difficult to come by, and I’m not sure if it has to do with the ratio of podcast mics to rakes/power drills/etc. Or because they’re simply not documenting themselves. But you should know that we’re looking for some more of these men folk to lust after while they check off the one honey-do list item within their reach through the internet … the one with my Rosé. Send more over! Tag them. I might even start a Make Men Great Again campaign on behalf of these brothas.
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Feature image by @renaissancecam/ Instagram, @steviie_j/ Instagram, @derwynnwho/ Instagram