Do You Talk About Money With Your Girlfriends?
I'd like to believe that there's no room for ego, competition, or jealousy in even the most genuine, ride or die friendships.
We subconsciously compete with so many people on a daily basis: the over-zealous new graduate with the shiny Master's degree in something avant-garde like Entertainment Engineering, the old classmate who has to be on like her third vacation this year and posting her Bora Bora bungalow on Snapchat, these thirsty Instagram models who seem to spend their days twerking in infinity pools and tagging your boo Kofi Siriboe.
Issa Rae was right on the money with her message that insecurity can hit you anywhere, anytime, and over the most random things.
Luckily most of the time, it's fleeting and you scroll a bit and get a reminder in the form of a validating quote that reminds you that you run shit and you got this this thing called life. When it comes to feeling inferior or out of place, that last place you expect to have those feelings is in the company of your girlfriends. But there's one topic that can instantly turn any exchange into an awkward dance of, "I do OK…" and "I make a decent amount for what I do."
And that's the salary conversation.
It usually comes up when a friend lands an interview or a promotion. She may excitedly tell you about her new roles and responsibilities, the perks of free lunches, and even the cute shadow boxes she plans to decorate her office with. But when it comes to climbing the career ladder, we'd inevitably be lying if we said we were all in it for passion and making a difference.
"Difference-making" doesn't pay for bungalows in Bora Bora. So it always makes me chuckle a little how we all seem to stumble around directly stating our salary, even with our closest friends.
Why does how much (and definitely how little) we make, make us so uncomfortable?
In "The Real Reasons Millennial Women Don't Talk About Their Salaries", author Arianna Davis says the salary conversation is so painful because, secretly, women are competitive. She references an Angela Rye podcast, which featured sports anchor Jemele Hill in which she discussed that the anxiety surrounding the coins conversation is often rooted in jealousy:
"There are a lot of people who don't want to share their salary information because they don't want other people to have that come up. If I tell her that I make this, she might make the same as me, and I don't feel comfortable with that. So some of it is rooted in jealousy."
Davis goes on to share an uncomfortable truth that many women can probably relate to:
"Hill's words pushed me to confront an ugly truth: A part of me doesn't want to discuss my salary with others because I'm competitive. Deep down, I worry that once I open that can of worms, there are only two outcomes, and I don't like either of them. One, the person I'm talking to will make more than me, which would make me want to figure out how to make what they make. Or worse: I'll make more than them, and they'll try to make what I make. Which would somehow make me less...special?"
When it comes to jealousy, especially within our circles of friends, most of us would like to shove it in a drawer under the period underwear that only get used once a month, and deny it exists. But whether it comes to divulging intimate details about your coins, love life, or everything in between, the first step to clearing the awkward air is to confront and acknowledge jealousy and competition.
It's natural to feel the occasional twinge of jealousy and resentment. It reaffirms that we still want more and better for ourselves and are still growing. It only becomes a problem when you live with jealousy on a daily basis instead of living your own life. Have I been jealous when hearing a BFF's salary and learning she doesn't have to make the hard ass choice of getting the store brand bathroom cleaner or Scrubbing Bubbles because payday isn't for at least three days? Hell yes, but usually that quickly passes and I remind myself that my professional path and paycheck are custom made for me and I'm cool.
Thou shall not covet my homegirl's Target cart and shall appreciate all that is going on in my life and what I bring to the friendship besides the petty and played out "Who Is Doing Better At Life?" game.
Look, I'd love for me and my homegirls to be getting our Girlfriends on slamming our credit cards on the dinner table like we've got the "Draw four" cards on lock after we've finished discussing the glamourous days in the lives of our careers as realtors, lawyers, and best-selling authors. But we missed the Mara Brock Akil boat and ended up overworked and underpaid as non-profit, healthcare, and retail workers. I thought about this as I listened to my sister vent yesterday after a phone call with her best friend who was currently in that stage when right after achieving a goal and landing her dream job, she immediately turned into Oprah and wanted to school anyone within 10 feet of her on how they too could be successful. She was expectedly obnoxious, something I told my sister would wear off along with the newness of the job. By the end of the conversation, my sister had fallen into the comparison trap as she questioned her own career path and checking account balance.
Her self-worth, professional goals, and career accomplishments were all being scrutinized because of numbers on a pay stub that everyone was hesitant to share.
Money conversations are awkward and it will always be uncomfortable talking finances with colleagues, family, friends, and even our spouses because we live in a culture where salaries and titles are associated with personal value and self-worth. It's the reason we can share graphic details with our girlfriends about everything from yeast infections to childbirth, but when it comes to money, we start using secret code like we're about to spoil the last episode of Queen Sugar. It's because we believe only one of a few outcomes will result from the salary conversation.
Either our friends will think we're balling and expect us to foot the bill for every brunch, girls' trip, or Uber until the end of time. Or they will think we are unmotivated bums who shouldn't possess a Netflix subscription if we are doing creative math to pay a car note every month. Even actress Tracee Ellis-Ross recently shared in a Vanity Fair feature how uncomfortable it made her when fans were discussing her take-home pay when it was rumored a pay gap existed on the Black-ish set and she was paid a significantly lower amount than co-star Anthony Anderson:
"That was really fucking awkward. I don't know how that information got out. But I understand the interest because there is a larger, deeper, more important conversation going on that is not about me, but is about people being paid appropriately for their contribution and the work that they do, not because of their gender, race, or anything."
Stacy Lastoe believes, however, that sharing your salary with friends is a good thing and it's time that we normalize it. In "It's Time To Start Telling Our Friends How Much Money We Make" the author shares that awkward feeling that comes with conversations about finances with friends is universal:
"The thing is, talking about money is awkward. Correction: Talking about salary-related finances is awkward. It makes people feel uncomfortable."
"But when it comes to how you negotiated your latest job offer, you're probably more apt to say that you bargained for a couple thousand dollars (if you're apt to say anything at all), not that you got them to go up to 55K. Something about disclosing the actual number is unfamiliar and foreign-sounding. Somehow announcing, 'I got a new job and I'll be making 63K a year,' over brunch doesn't feel normal—for lack of a better word."
In a world of social media where context is lost and miscommunication occurs with every click, all too often sharing comes off as bragging, and telling too little comes across as shame or deceit. But Lastoe feels with #TimesUp taking the forefront in Hollywood and now other industries, discussing your salary with your friends may help you get what you truly deserve from your career in the long run:
"Knowing what other people in your field get paid is vital to stop the gender wage gap. And negotiating is more likely to become second nature during the job offer process if we talk about our earnings with others."
Whether your direct deposit amount is only on a need to know basis, or you're dropping the details about how much you made last year like Drake on a diss track, it's always healthy to exercise financial boundaries that best fit your friendships. It's why I don't lend or front money I can't afford to lose. I also don't attempt to "balance my friends' checkbooks," which basically means if they want to break the bank on On The Run II tour tickets and skip their student loan payment, I don't judge or offer unsolicited advice.
Lastly, and most importantly, I don't assess their self-worth on what position is listed on their ID badge or the value an employer has placed on how they spend their time eight hours a day.
If there's anything I learned after experiencing a number of promotions, one lay-off, several interviews, and basically watching my career perform like a damn ping pong table in the last five years, it's that we need to start investing a lot more energy, effort, and faith into the people and things in our lives that are unconditional. If my best friend wanted to jump up from her desk today and become a soybean farmer in Japan and make two cents an hour, it wouldn't make me look at her differently, as long as we could still schedule several saki happy hours over the year and I could still cry on her digital shoulder for several seconds every time Drake is rumored to be banging another big booty Instagram model.
If there's anything we can learn from the unfortunate suicides of celebrities like Anthony Bourdain in the past month or so, is that we shouldn't equate happiness or self-esteem with fancy professional titles or career accomplishments. I'm not saying abandon any career drive you have this second and say, "F my bills as long as my bitches love me," but I am saying that your family and friends should be looked at and valued through a lens of love for their spirit and what they contribute to the world besides their base pay.
When you create that type of energy in your personal relationships, you'll find that you'll be able to maintain your privacy while still feeling safe to talk about topics that would traditionally be taboo.
It's understandable if your paycheck is still a very personal and private thing. In a Refinery29 survey related to the article, Davis discovered more than 3,000 women ages 25-34 found that only 7% of respondents share their salaries with colleagues, and just 17% share that number with friends. However, what does it say about our relationships with ourselves and those we love if we feel as though sharing our salaries has that much of an effect on how we see ourselves and each other?
Maybe it's time we start redefining our worth on the things that matter most like the bonds we share with those who reaffirm that we are more valuable than any tax bracket we belong to.
Want more stories like this?
Thandie Newton On Accepting Less Money Than Male Co-Stars: "F*ck That"
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Relationship Goals or Financial Goals? That Is The Question
The 5 Money Myths That Are Keeping You Broke, Sis
Featured image by Giphy
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Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watch UnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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