Why Staying Friends With An Ex Is OK (& Healthy)
It was Thanksgiving day and my boyfriend and I were cooking at our place for two very special guests. My five-year-old son, and his father...my ex. Most women would consider the idea of entertaining both men under the same roof to be absolutely insane, but I wasn't worried a single bit. My ex and my boyfriend had more than just me in common - they are also insanely mature. They also know I don't dismiss, discount, or eliminate men from my life based solely on the status of our relationship changing. This is what I come with and I don't apologize for it.
Toxic people have no place in your social circles and shouldn't have the honor of knowing you anymore.
But on occasion, you meet that person who you mistakingly mark as a lover first. In the end, you realize that who that person was all along was a really good friend. You don't miss the sex, you don't miss the intimacy or romance - you just miss the friendship because it was genuine. For me, that old rule of never befriending an ex didn't always apply. Some of my closest friendships started out between the sheets. So what? My overly-welcoming vagina shouldn't be the reason I cancel everyone who ever graced her with their presence. Right?
To me, staying friends with some of my exes is a defining quality. I am this way, because I love this way and these friendships work because I'm conscious, genuine and honest - with myself and my partners. If staying friends with an ex is on your to-do list, here's a few pointers from a self-proclaimed master:
Define The Friendship
First of all, let's set some boundaries. Not every ex is worthy of friendship. That ex that cheated? The ex that constantly belittles you for letting him go? That ex that still tries to get back together with you? Those aren't the ex-lovers that can go into the "let's stay friends" box - at least not mine.
Being friends with an ex should hold the same requirements as staying friends with your college roommate. When the friendship hasn't changed just because the core motivator was removed, that's a sign that this is a legitimate friend and not just someone your holding onto for unhealthy reasons.
Your Friends Are My Friends
If you're not single, and you're still friends with an ex, then a new obstacle takes center stage. Your partner might feel a way about the possible competition. The best way to calm worried nerves is to let them decide for themselves by introducing the ex to the current. Let them see that there is no chemistry between the two of you that he should be worried about, and see maybe why you wanted to stay friends in the first place. If the idea of introducing the two of them makes you want to cower and hide - then maybe you're kidding yourself about that ex after all.
Understand It Won't Always Be Kosher
Staying friends with an ex isn't just an interesting experience, it's also a little taboo. So, the mere idea of it may send possible suitors running for the hills. In most circles, staying friends with an ex is a red flag, so you'll have to do a little work to make sure it's not a red flag for a new partner. If they voice their legitimate concerns, take them seriously. Have that conversation as many times as needed. But in the end, follow your gut. Unhealthy friendships can ruin healthy relationships - but the opposite is also true.
Don't Entertain Flirtation
Maintaining a friendship with an ex or anyone you were once romantically attracted to gets a lot harder if lines are blurred. If you're friends - real friends - then that means you are not options for each other's dating roster. If you guys want to occasionally sleep together, then call it what it is - polyamory. But if you genuinely wish to keep that friend a friend, keep flirting out of the equation. If you can't digest this friendship without a side of sexual tension, then you probably need to get real about what this friendship really is (i.e. a crush).
When An Ex Becomes A Crutch
If you've been single for a while but you have a million male friends you messed around with at some point, then I'm sorry to say, you're walking around on crutches. Being single, in all of its agony and glory, is meant to be a space for you to reflect on you and sit with yourself so you understand who you are - unbothered by commitments or emotional pulls.
If your goal is to not be single one day, you might need to fully embrace this phase no matter how long it lasts in order to move onto coupledom. Bear in mind that not having a man to text late at night about your problems allows to you check in with yourself about them instead. But if you have an ex on reserve speed dial for those moments, then the purpose is kind of defeated.
Activity Buddy
Staying friends with certain exes was something that took some time to figure out for me. But one defining quality stands out. We have things in common. Real, tangible things in common that are not happy hour or Netflix and Chill. So, if we want to hang out, there's usually an activity in mind. A band that only he and I would find so fascinating, or an event within our mutual industries. Going to hang out all the time just to get drinks and talk feels a little too much like dating for my taste. If we're still friends, there has to be a defined purpose in order to avoid a slippery slope.
Take The Time, Do It Right
One thing that absolutely must happen if you are to befriend an ex is space and time. Even if there are no hurt feelings involved, deciding to be friends should be approached only after a cool-down period. Say outright that you would like to be friends, real friends. Then take a month or maybe even two to get some space. That time is super necessary in order to create a clean slate and shake off any vibes that might be carried into a platonic friendship.
Champagne For Real Friends
Here's an easy way to tell if your friend-ex is really a friend. Tell him about your dates. This is what friends do, they talk about their dating life. If I told my female best friend about my last sexual encounter and she responded by shutting her eyes and saying, "Eh...too much information," I would think she lost her mind. Being friends means knowing about each other's lives - not just the elements we can handle. If your ex launches into defense mode or unfairly criticizes your new boo - that's not a friend, that's just another hater.
If you can't be real friends, it's time to say goodbye.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Ashley Simpo is a writer, mother and advocate for self-care and healthy relationships. She lives in Brooklyn, NY. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @ashleysimpo. Check out her work and her musings on ashleysimpocreative.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images