For almost 10 years now, I've been running a blog for single women who desire to be married (I'm currently on a six-month posting hiatus until the New Year). Through the years, I've received a lot of comments, questions, and concerns from numerous women. But if there's one post that continues to get almost weekly replies, it's "Will God Flat-Out Tell You Who Your Husband Is?"
If you grew up in the church, you already know this continues to be a hot topic, and while I'm not gonna spend a ton of time on the theology side of things, I will say that Genesis 2 says NOTHING about a man choosing his wife. In the Garden of Eden, GOD DECIDED when Adam should have a woman, along with who she should be. So no, it doesn't seem "crazy" to me that a woman would know she's meant to be with a man before the man does (wives tell me they knew before their husbands did all of the time!).
But keeping along with that point, one thing that Adam did do is acknowledge Eve. He praised her and claimed her, which means that no matter what may have been going on "behind the scenes," Adam ended up being on board with the relationship. He didn't need to be "pulled in."
I think you can feel where I'm going with this. It's one thing to have feelings for someone before they do or even to feel more intensely for them before they catch on. BUT it's something else entirely to be out here all "in love" with some guy when there is no mutuality or reciprocity going on. Unfortunately, though, it happens ALL OF THE TIME.
I've done it with a guy before. Right now, I can name about 20 other women I know who've done it too. So, before you write it off as being "crazy", or something you've never done (or will do), humor me and check out some of the signs of when a woman is basically in love by herself that you might've overlooked or are in denial about:
You’re (Semi-Constantly) Trying to Convince Him to Get on the Same Page as You.
Remember, I didn't say this article is about if you like a guy who may not like you back. I said this is about when you feel as if you're IN LOVE with someone and you're pretty much on your own with that.
Some of us make the grave mistake of thinking (or is it assuming?) that as long as a guy is dating us or even sexing us that they feel the same way that we do. Or, that so long as we continue to date them and/or sex them that they'll get there.
While there is something to be said for what only time can—and should—do, how can you know if you're not on the same page and/or quite possibly won't ever get there? When you're asking the dude questions like "So, what are we doing?" or "Where is this going?" and you keep getting blank stares in response, he's always changing the subject, or he acts like you're getting on his nerves or pressuring him, that's your cue.
When two people are in love, while some think the operative word is "love," I think it's "in." They are IN it together. If you're constantly trying to get him to catch up, this is red flag #1.
You’re Also (Semi-Constantly) Making Excuses for Where He Falls Short.
Between running a get-ready-for-marriage blog and being a marriage life coach, chile, I've seen more than my fair share of marriage proposals. And if there's one thing they've all taught me it's that when a man wants a woman (I mean, really and truly wants a woman), there is no such thing as "not being emotional" or "incapable of expressing himself."
I've seen everything from flying a woman's entire family and close friends to an engagement location, to planning out her wedding for her based on her Pinterest posts. Moral to the story—if a man wants you, HE WILL SHOW YOU. Boldly so, too.
If you're always making excuses (especially to yourself) about why the man in your life can't plan a date, let alone give you a thoughtful Christmas or birthday present, spend some time on sites like How He Asked. It's a reality check like a mug.
Everyone and Their Grandma Is Telling You So.
Fun fact. My former pastor is one of the experts on Married at First Sight (yep, Pastor Cal), so sometimes I watch the show just because I'm still trippin' that he's on there. Well, there's a couple from this past season (Bobby and Danielle) who constantly get memos that Bobby is doing all of the work and Danielle is merely soaking it up. (All you have to do is put #MAFS in your Twitter search field and you'll see what I'm talking about.)
While the couple is telling everyone that their relationship is a "10" and they never fight, the experts, Bobby's family, and 99 percent of Twitter world is like, "Bobby, WAKE UP!"
Here's what they can teach us all. The mentality of it's you and me against the world may be romantic 'n all, but remember, you're emotionally involved and that can skew your discernment. The people on the outside looking in have the ability to catch some things you probably can't. And so, if ALL OF THEM are bringing up THE SAME CONCERN about you and your dude, it's not wise to flippantly shrug it off.
Stop thinking that everyone is being a hater, because the one thing they have in common is they all love you.
The Relationship—or Situationship—Is Not Making You Feel Loved.
(Most) women are natural nurturers. That's a good thing. But sometimes we confuse nurturing a relationship with how we raise our children. What I mean by that is, we expect to love a child and it not be a mutual situation. Children are not as mature as us. We know that we'll be doing most of the work.
A grown man is not a child. Or at least, he's not your child. If you're spending all of your time trying to meet his needs and make him feel loved, when do you have time to figure out what you need and what will make you feel loved?
It took me years and years…and years and years and years to get this one deep down in my spirit. And listen, I don't care how long you've been with someone, how good the sex is, or even how much you love him, if a random person on the street asked you how your man makes you feel loved and you can't immediately rattle off some answers—and by some, I mean more than two—this is one of the most overlooked indications that you're probably in love…by yourself.
THERE. IS. NO. PROGRESS.
If you put some water in a cup and let it sit in your sink for about a week and then you take a whiff, it's gonna have an odor to it. The lesson here is, even when it comes to water, stagnation stinks.
Meanwhile, "progress" is a dope word. It means "a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage." While progress means different things to different people, when something as profound and life-altering as LOVE is shared between two people, you can best believe that goals and "going higher" are going to happen; that both individuals will want nothing less.
If your relationship is more like a cup of water in the sink for a week, I know it's hard to hear, but that's another warning sign that you're probably in love by yourself. Because if he was "in it" with you, he'd want to move forward and you'd have concrete evidence of that very fact. I can promise you that.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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