I Am Not Your Ride Or Die: What We All Can Learn From Keri Hilson
"If he ain't putting his hands on you, don't leave."
"All men cheat, at least he is taking care of you."
"Well what did you say or do to make him hit you?"
"What you won't do, another women will."
Raise your hand if you've ever heard any of those statements. If you've ever said or thought any of them. If you have ever been told any of them. If you heard these words as a child directed to a woman who was heartbroken over what the man she loved did to her.
Hands down.
I've heard all of them.
I've identified with all of them.
I've empathized with the person saying these words at one point and I've been disgusted that anyone would think them at another.
I've grown.
I've been down those roads and I've watched other women do the same thing, so when I saw Keri Hilson's recent IG post, I was so happy that someone finally said what many won't.
As we grow older, we are taught to put up with bullshit to keep a man in our lives and in that case, we settle.
While we weren't looking, dating became a race of who can put up with the most and still wear a smile on her face. Who can be cheated on the most often without leaving? Who can be hit and disguise it the best? Who can I lie to without being left? Have the world tell it, love isn't love if it isn't painful or enduring. And really, who sold us that lie?
I've been the girl who has put up with b.s. I've accepted lies when I knew the truth for the sake of moving on and not hurting myself more by asking questions I already knew the answer to. I've been the woman who has chosen loving a man over myself. I've been the one who has followed paths that I knew led to disaster but kept walking because I didn't want to lose. I didn't want to be seen as a quitter. I didn't want him to hurt himself.
I didn't want someone else to have him, the man that I had helped become greater than he'd been when I met him.
I wanted to be the cool girlfriend. The understanding one. I wanted the reward that I thought was at the end of the illusion of a rainbow so I and, so many other women, stayed.
But just as Keri stated, if a man is not going to treat you right, no amount of "punishment," break-up/divorce threats, time apart, or counseling, is going to change him if he doesn't want to change.
It doesn't matter how understanding you act in the situation when deep down your heart is breaking. Nor the amount of phones you break, tires you slash, girls you fight. Either way, when you stay with a man that doesn't deserve you, you are sending him the same message: that you are weak and he can do whatever he wants. Despite your temper tantrum or lackthereof, you show him that are going to stay and he has no reason to change. He can buy a new phone, a new car, find a new woman to cheat on you with, and come back home to ride or die you.
So how do you compete in a world of women who have been taught that settling for less than you deserve is the norm?
The quick answer is: you don't.
What you do is simple. You love yourself and the people who deserve to be in your life will flock to you and give you the same beautiful positive energy that you exhibit. You continue being the woman God called you to be, loving yourself fiercely and loving others with the same ferocity. You let your partner know that you are not his or anyone else's doormat, that the love you have for yourself is so deep, it wouldn't even allow you to continue to be disrespected. You use your intuition to navigate through who is worth being with and who is only wasting your time. You don't allow one man's mistakes to stop a new man from loving or getting close to you.
You won't be with every man you thought was the one and you won't put up with the trauma and tragedy that comes with losing your self-worth by staying with a man who wasn't the one. But you will find the truest of love within yourself and maybe even a partner who sees it just as clearly.
I hope the next time anyone confuses you with a "weak woman," you show them just how strong you are by walking away.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
Featured image by Giphy
Ashley Renee is a soul food enthusiast, sometimes vegetarian, writer and spoken word poet, who doesn't trust boxed macaroni or cats. keep up with her @ashleyreneepoet on Twitter & Instagram.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Megan Thee Stallion Shares Her Transformative Approach To Health And Wellness
Megan Thee Stallion is back and better than ever — both physically and mentally.
ForWomen’s Health May/June 2024 cover, the 29-year-old rapper bared all, opening up about her healing journey following the aftermath of the July 2020 shooting incident by rapper Tory Lanez.
“A lot of people didn’t treat me like I was human for a long time,” she told the publication. “I feel like everybody was always used to me being the fun and happy party girl. I watched people build me up, tear me down, and be confused about their expectations of me.”
She continued, “As a Black woman, as a darker Black woman, I also feel like people expect me to take the punches, take the beating, take the lashings, and handle it with grace. But I’m human.”
While the “Savage” artist exudes confidence through her stage presence and boisterous lyrics, behind the scenes, Megan was experiencing a silent battle with her mental health. “Before I went onstage, I would be crying half the time because I didn’t want to [perform], but I also didn’t want to upset my fans,” she says.
With pressures from the outside world piling up, Megan experienced “dark times,” that caused her to isolate from the public eye.
“I didn’t want to get [out] from under the covers,” she recalls. “I stayed in my room. I would not turn the lights on. I had blackout curtains. I didn’t want to see the sun. I knew I wasn’t myself. It took me a while to acknowledge that I was depressed. But once I started talking to a therapist, I was able to be truthful with myself.”
The “Wanna Be” rapper also details her current workout slip and diet that work hand in hand, giving her the mental clarity and stamina to perform at her highest level. For four to five days a week, Megan is locked in with one of her two trainers, Emory “Joc” Bernard and Tim Boutte, doing a variety of workouts like Pilates, running up and down sand hills at the beach, or hitting the StairMaster or elliptical for upwards of 40 minutes.
Best known for her “Megan knees,” leg day is a must — with hip thrusts, goblet squats, leg extensions, and “stallion kicks,” being included in her circuits.
With a combination of therapy, stepping away from imbalanced relationships, and daily movement, the Houston Hottie has since been able to reconnect with herself on a deeper level; putting her happiness before the opinions of others. “Working on myself made me get into working out because I needed to focus my energy somewhere else,” she shares. “I used working out to escape and to get happy.”
“I’m in a space where I feel good mentally, so I want to look as good as I feel.”
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images