I Didn’t Care About Titles Until This Happened To Me
There was a point in my life when titles didn't hold much weight in terms of the situationships I found myself in. When I started dating in college, my only goal was to meet guys and discover my likes and dislikes in a potential partner before getting into anything too serious.
But as most romantic stories go, I fell in love and everything shifted.
When I first met him (we'll call him Pete), we were merely long-distance associates. The goal was to help him start his fashion blog since I had experience in the area and go on our way. It started off casual, but the more we talked, the closer we grew and before we knew it, we were smitten.
Things didn't get complicated until I started to take a few points into consideration: 1.) he lived miles away in Pennsylvania while I was just finishing up my junior year of college in South Carolina and 2.) he had just gotten out of a yearlong relationship just 4 months before we met. Not to say that this was a recipe for disaster but I'd be lying if I didn't at least consider it.
Being in a long distance relationship forces you to get straight to the point on certain things since your time with one another is both precious and limited. When we first met, he made the 13-hour trek to see me and we made sure to make every moment – and word – count. The first thing up for discussion was of course, what are we?
Chop it up to my 21-year-old ways of thinking, but after six months of dating, I needed to know what it was that we were doing here. Still, I couldn't quite pull out a straightforward answer for whether he would stop playing with my emotions and officially make me his girlfriend. I asked only once during the five days we spent together and his answer was the most compassionate "no" I had ever been told. He goes, "You know I love you, but I'm just not ready for that right now." I wasn't completely crushed, if anything it only made me more determined to "change his mind" and see how much of a good thing I was for him. (Again, I was 21.)
We continued our relationship for another few months and would meet again for our first Thanksgiving together. I couldn't be more thrilled to not only see him, but to be introduced to his family. Funny enough, the moment that I had been anticipating with excitement to define our relationship would become the catalyst of its ending.
If you've ever made it the "meet the folks" round of the relationship, you know that you'll typically be introduced to a number of people a number of times. When I first met his mom, she greeted me with a warm smile and an even warmer embrace. Both of which I assumed to be sincere. She mentioned that she had heard a lot about me and that it was nice to finally meet her son's "girlfriend." That was the first time that him or I had even heard those words in reference to the two of us, and as soon as they exited her lips, he sent them right back where they came from. He corrected her with quickness, saying, "Yeah, she's my friend."
Initially, I didn't take that as a red flag. I mean, maybe he was as nervous for me to meet his mom as I was. No biggie. We each exhaled as the first introduction was complete.
The next day was Game Day, literally. Thanksgiving was filled with meeting cousins, brothers, and childhood friends. With each introduction, he would refer to me as his friend, correcting anyone who would dare to put "girl" as its prefix.
The entire day left me exhausted both physically and emotionally. To be constantly put in my place and have the verbal line drawn for where I stood in his life bruised me in a way I didn't know was possible. I couldn't pick my face up from off the ground. No matter how much I wanted him to commit to me and claim me as his own, he made one thing very clear that night: we were nothing more than friends.
Suffice to say, that was the end of our chapter together and the beginning of me learning an important lesson about men: 89.9% of the time, men mean exactly what they say. Most of them don't have the emotional intelligence to fabricate their feelings – unless you're dealing with a narcissist or sociopath and then we have a whole other problem on our hands. When you're looking for a man to put a title on what you all have, listen to how he's introducing you to the people closest to him. If he's introducing you as his friend to his friends, that's all you are to him. If he proclaims you to be his "girl," "girlfriend," "lady friend" or any other variation of the word, then that's what you are to him.
In order for a man to claim you, he has to want you so bad that he can't imagine his life without you in it. When a guy wants you, he's going to show you with his actions and by how he talks about you. There's no need in beating the "what are we" conversation down his throat or even forcing him into an ultimatum.
If you have to ask too much and too often where you all stand, you already have your answer.
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Aley Arion is a writer and digital storyteller from the South, currently living in sunny Los Angeles. Her site, yagirlaley.com, serves as a digital diary to document personal essays, cultural commentary, and her insights into the Black Millennial experience. Follow her at @yagirlaley on all platforms!
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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