The Power Of Letting Go Of Your Need To Control
Confession:
I’m a recovering, undercover, over-controller.
And something tells me you just might be too. Now, I certainly don't believe us control enthusiasts are white-knuckled titans addicted to the steering wheel.
But I do know that in this heavy compariholic era of FOMO, instant gratification, and glow or die movements... it's easy to form an unhealthy habit of keeping your ass superglued to the driver's seat of life.
I call it unhealthy because, for one, it convinces anxiety to come over more often, two; it keeps us in a state of urgency and three; it slowly divorces us from faith.
[Tweet "The need to constantly be in control divorces us from faith."]
Which is a shame because faith is a prerequisite of sorts for magic and magic refuses to be micromanaged.
For me, the best practice in loosening that grip on life comes in the form of surrender.
Not the kind of surrender that looks like waving a white flag every second of our lives till the casket drops, but the kind of surrender that grants us strength from a source other than our own.
In my audio workshop, Keep The Lights On: A Guided Affirmation + Meditation For Chilling Our Need To Control, (featuring my dear friend, Chopra Center-certified meditation teacher, Devi Brown) I go deeper into that type of emotional shift.
Right now however, if you’re still wondering how to calm that need to control, know that every answer arrives at the request of a question. And usually the best Q&A happens when we face ourselves. With that said here are five things to ask yourself when the c-word comes around.
HAVE I MUTED MY EGO?
The world has been functioning for a hella long time before we ever contributed and will continue on spinning long after we tap out.
The point? Recognizing that when it comes to this beautifully complex life, other forces will always be in the game, providing space for our ego to warm the bench from time to time.
Taking a needed pause with calming affirmations and a guided meditation can relax the tension that ultimately comes with a tight grip.
HAVE I FACT-CHECKED MY FEELINGS?
Curlbox founder and boss babe podcaster Myleik Teele, has an excellent habit of reminding the world that feelings aren’t facts. Well, not without a little investigation, anyway.
Sometimes our control cravings come from a sneaky limiting mindset that bullies us into rush mode. Maybe we see a dope chick on IG gushing over her trip to Bali and think: Damn, I must not be shit since another passport stamp is out my budget. Must quit my entire life NOW! Is this really true though?
Question AND answer those feelings, remembering that fear is innocent till proven guilty.
[Tweet "Fear is innocent until proven guilty."]
HAVE I HOLLA'D AT GOD?
It’s easier than mumble rap to forget that our life is a collabo with a higher power. If we don’t leave a little wiggle room for serendipity, magic, and faith to flex, then we’re ultimately hogging this group project called our life.
Which always means more stress. Here’s a prayer remix: try writing a short offer letter to God. Ask yourself, where do I need the OG to fully take lead and what am I willing to give in exchange? Then give our creator space to stunt.
HAVE I DELEGATED A DAMN THING?
Minimalism is the absolute wave, but in the case of delegation, sometimes more = less. Think about it, another helping hand—this can range from emotional to technical support—eases the load every damn time.
If money is a (temporary) issue, is there another exchange of value we can bring to the table? If patience with training a mini-me is an issue, can we look at the long-term benefits vs. the short-term burden?
It might feel empowering to howl the lyrics to Drake’s “All Me,” but take that shit super literally and we’ll soon be buried to the chin, choking on to-dos. No help that’s all us, all us for real.
HAVE I EMBRACED ADVENTURE?
Excitement loves the unknown. It’s part of why baby gender reveals, roller coasters, and surprise parties are such a HIT. However, everything has a crawling stage, including the art (and act) of surrender.
So maybe that first babystep is simply passing Friday night planning along to a friend or allowing that waitress to pick what goes on your plate or trying an improv class.
Even bite-size effort can reintroduce us to the importance and thrill of trust. You know, that concept of believing without necessarily seeing… or controlling lol.
But reminder! Trust is more about intention than perfection.
Tracy G. is a nice Scorpio who’s obsessed with the art of self-talk. She recently led and produced the audio workshop, Keep The Lights On: A guided affirmation + meditation practice for chilling our inner control freak, along with Devi Brown. She resides in Brooklyn, NY and is on-air every weekday on SiriusXM’s Sway In The Morning. Visit shesbeautyandthebeast.com for more of her work.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Crystal Renay Is Prioritizing Healing, Her Kids, And Her Coins Amid Divorce
Crystal Renay is reclaiming her time and her identity after dealing with heartbreak. The model was married to Ne-Yo for seven years and they share three young children together. However, after a cheating scandal that resulted in a baby outside of their relationship, Crystal decided to end her marriage to the “So Sick” singer. Now, she is focusing on her bag and her kids. She is co-owner of Johnny’s Chicken and Waffles, launching a lip kit line, and is back on TV starring in the new WE TV reality series Bold & Bougie.
But it wasn’t an easy road, especially with reality TV. From the beginning, Crystal and her castmates bumped heads due to misconceptions and alliances with her ex-husband’s former partner, Monyetta Shaw. However, the mother of three exclusively tells xoNecole that she doesn’t regret her decision to join the show.
Crystal Renay
Photo courtesy
“Honestly, being in that space, we had a– you know, when you're first getting to know people, sometimes it can be smooth, and sometimes it can be rocky,” she says. “In our case, it was a little bit rocky and just getting to know each other, and I like to call it growing pains. And I felt like we had a couple of moments, but all in all, like the experience was really good for me, and I would do it over again.”
Crystal describes herself as “career-oriented” and says she is in her selfish season because she is now prioritizing herself first. But she admits that she is still healing from her divorce. The reality TV star shares some tips for others who may be going through the same thing.
“I would definitely say pray, pray as much as you can. Try to take your emotions out of your reactions to things because it’s always going to be something that you don't like in the situation,” she says. “But we can't move off of emotion because 10 times out of 10, a few months later, you're not going to feel like that. So, I'm a firm believer in not doing things that I will regret later. So I would just say be patient with yourself and stay positive.”
While there may be an opportunity to find love again, that’s not Crystal’s focus at the moment. She is in the rebuilding phase of her life, emphasizing the importance of self-care, personal growth, and finding her own happiness. She has had her share of challenges, including dealing with negative emotions and the public's perception of her, but her priorities involve spending quality time with her children and running lucrative businesses.
“I would definitely say pray, pray as much as you can. Try to take your emotions out of your reactions to things because it’s always going to be something that you don't like in the situation.”
“With my kids, I'm very hands-on. I’m team mother with soccer kids, and they don't really make no goals because they like five years old, but I'm there cheering them on every week,” she jokes. “I want to travel, especially this summer, with my kids and take them somewhere internationally because they're at the age where they can handle a long flight. So, me just spending more time and more new experiences with my kids is my main focus with them and showing them all the love that I could possibly give them.”
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Photo courtesy of Crystal Renay