No Shade To Pastor John Gray, But Let’s Stop Measuring A Woman's Worthiness By How Much Pain She Can Endure
At this stage of my life, I am trying to become the best version of me that I can be. Not to attract the attention of a partner, but to earn the sense of pride I will have for myself to know I am doing the best I can with what I have and knowing that I deserve a love that will complement this beautiful ice cream cone I call "my life" like a beautiful sprinkle.
However, this morning, I came across clips from an interview with Pastor John Gray giving his perspective on his marriage and more specifically his beloved wife, whom he admiringly recognized as a pilar in his journey to becoming the influential man that he is today. I have nothing but respect for him because who am I to judge someone else's interpretation of their own experiences? However, many of the problematic statements made me clutch my pearls and whisper, "What in the Lemonade is this?" Let me tell y'all something:
If a man is looking for me to love him unconditionally, regardless of the circumstances, using my strengths as blocks to build him up into the one he has the potential to be in vain of my happiness and emotional health, for me to fill him, even when I'm empty, and put more labor into him than I do birthing my own children, I'm gonna need him to do one thing: Call his momma because he has the wrong one.
Pastor Gray recounts his wife's dutifulness in their marriage:
"My wife has endured more pain birthing me than both of our children. She has sacrificed, these last eight years, uncovering the painful areas of my manhood and covering the areas that could have exposed me. She deserves anything I can give her... I'm going to live the rest of my life to honor her because she gave me what I couldn't give myself, which is chance to heal, while I still seeing the God in me."
Though endearing, this sanctified version of the hood rhetoric of a 'ride or die chick' needs to go straight in the trash. Why? Because you can search the whole world wide web and come up scarce with recounts of men dedicating their lives to build up a woman. Pastor Gray admits himself that he married a woman who was a coat that was two sizes too big, and in order to manifest as a person, it is much better to partner with one that can propel you instead of hold you back:
"If a man marries a lid she stops your dream, but if you marry your covering, she will push you to your destiny."
This statement in itself is hypocritical and implies that it is perfectly fine for men to enter relationships with the expectation for a woman to come with her toolbelt 'Bob-The-Building' him up, but she has to be whole in order to be considered worthy. Let's take the attention off of Pastor Gray and on women in general who give and give into their broken relationships until they have absolutely nothing left except for bitterness, resentment, and feeling of not being good enough after trying to fix a grown ass broken man? Is she considered the lid, the pot, or the oven? Someone please help me out.
Popular self-love advocate Derrick Jaxn weighed in:
"What is the price that any woman can expect to have to pay to try to love a broken man? What scars is she still dealing with 'till this day that will never heal. If no scars, then just in that eight-year time span of trying to love you, and raise you, and give birth to you as a man, what would you say she risked resorting to because she already had her own battles to fight and here she is fighting yours because you didn't get them to a point where you didn't need her to fight your battles for you or cover you in places that you still need healing?"
Nothing against Pastor John Gray personally but this is glorifying the idea that the love of Black women is to be measured by the amount of pain that we can endure, while the man we love grows up, and I am not okay with it.
Our love is more valuable than our ability to be a man's second mother.
My Nana dropped a gem on me during a particularly painful break up I had recently in the form of a simple yet comforting statement: "There is a lid for every pot."
In that moment where I was questioning if I should change myself for this man I felt I could not live without and took our breakup as a measurement of my ability to love and my value as a woman, she was able to relay to me that I am worthy and there are people out there that will love me healthily without breaking me down first. Why?
Because I am the whole kitchen.
Featured image by Shutterstock
New Jersey native creating a life that she loves while living in gratitude. She loves using beauty, and fashion to create a balanced lifestyle while prioritizing wellness. A devoted fur mom, and a full-time lover of laughter. She is out for revenge against the darkness by being light, taking her own advice, traveling the world, and letting you know that you are so lit! Connect with her via IG @iamzaniah and please visit Zaniahsworld.com
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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