Let's Stop Making Accepting Less Than You Deserve, 'Relationship Goals'
This past year has been nothing short of a roller coaster for Cardi B. With hit records, welcoming a new life into the world, feuds for days, and Grammy nominations, the road has been filled with many highs and some lows.
Despite moving past a separation from husband Offset, then getting back together it seems like Offset has found himself in the midst of cheating allegations once again.
While most of us side-eye their situation, this isn't the first time this has happened (and we don't know if it'll be the last). Last year when she broke the news of her separation from her husband via Instagram we were shocked at her transparency as she explained:
"It's nobody fault. I guess we grew out of love but we are not together anymore... it might take time to get a divorce and I'm going to always have a lot of love for him because he is my daughter's father."
I personally was shocked by Cardi's tact and poise when addressing this new life event, given her refreshingly explosive nature, but days later, we found out that it was just the calm before the storm. Each day, there seemed to be more details released in reference to Offset's alleged infidelity, and given the history of this whirlwind romance, it is not surprising.
However, I was shocked by the responses of many people urging Cardi to take her husband back amidst all this scandal, mainly after her husband's public Instagram plea for her to forgive him and to take him back as a birthday wish. Derrick Jaxn, Author and Self Love Ambassador, weighed in and said:
"People are talking about 'Take him back Cardi B!'... People are talking about 'Offset I am rooting for you bro, praying for you bro,' and it's like, in the beginning, it was a joke. People were talking about take Offset back, which is a mockery of the shit that a woman goes through whenever she gets betrayed and she gets her heart broken. At this point, all of those types of comments are downright disgusting because they totally disregard what Cardi B is going through."
But the question is, when are we going to stop glorifying dysfunctional relationships especially at the cost of a woman's heart? Are we so caught up on being his peace, that we are willing to encourage our women to be in pieces for the sake of romance? Is it that important?
What gets me hyped up in the gist of couples being broken apart because of a man's infidelity, is the disregard that others have for the woman on the receiving end of the behavior. I hear much more advice along the lines of "people make mistakes" and "you can't let this get in the way of your love" than I hear people telling women that they deserve better and that there is an abundance of men out there that will respect your commitment on the first try.
Let's not ignore the bruise that cheating leaves on a woman's heart and self-esteem and how embarrassing the whole ordeal is. The decision that a woman makes to continue a relationship after infidelity is her own, however, let's not make 'struggle love' the standard for relationships because it is not inclusive. There are a scarcity of men that will take back a woman after infidelity, so there is no shame in a woman making it a deal breaker as well.
It is time to start holding men to a higher standard in relationships, and at the very least require that the apology be as loud as the disrespect before even considering reconciliation. Cardi deserves better, just as most women who deal with similar problems in their relationships and if the behavior of a man does not change, there is no shame in moving forward. There is no better apology to self than knowing better and doing better.
Feature image by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for FENTY PUMA By Rihanna
New Jersey native creating a life that she loves while living in gratitude. She loves using beauty, and fashion to create a balanced lifestyle while prioritizing wellness. A devoted fur mom, and a full-time lover of laughter. She is out for revenge against the darkness by being light, taking her own advice, traveling the world, and letting you know that you are so lit! Connect with her via IG @iamzaniah and please visit Zaniahsworld.com
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Another season of Love Is Blind has come to a close, and almost two months later we’re still unpacking the drama that is Clay and AD. The finale, reunion, and post-interviews with Clay and AD after season six of Love Is Blind left millions of people wondering - why couldn’t AD see the signs? Clay told her he had a fear of marriage, his parents experienced infidelity, and he seemed to have many doubts about saying, "I do."
After changing his mind at the altar and hearing AD question why she feels like she’s never enough, I was finished watching. I didn’t need to hear anything else because, at that moment, I realized this wasn’t about Clay; this was about AD feeling inadequate before she ever met Clay.
If I’m honest, I don’t watch much dating television. TikTok keeps me updated with the clips that I need to see in order to be kept in the loop, but it’s difficult for me to watch an entire season of dating TV because seeing Black women settle for less and questioning their beauty is a trigger for me. In many ways, there were points in my life where I was AD, settling and ignoring red flags because I wanted to be loved.
Now, on the other side, it doesn’t feel good to see Black women lower their standards on national television. There have been many hot takes on this couple and who was in the wrong. Did Clay play in AD’s face or did she not listen to the truth of what he told her from day one? Was his reason for joining the show to promote his business and not to find the one?
We’ll never know the truth, but what we can do is learn tactics to better our self-worth. Founder and CEO of The Self Love Organization Denise Francis shared her expertise with xoNecole on what tangible steps to take to improve feelings of worthiness. “Self-love blooms in a garden where self-worth is planted, nourished, and whole. However, when your self-worth is challenged, displaced, or broken, it could be difficult to rebuild," Denise explains.
How To Rebuild Self-Worth
During her self-love coaching sessions, Denise likes to walk her clients through the cornerstones of rebuilding self-worth: grace and self-compassion. To her, self-worth is never lost, it's only displaced, so practicing self-compassion and giving yourself grace is a must. "We tend to place our self-worth in entities and people of ourselves such as relationship status, physical appearance, material possessions, social media followings, what others think of us, and more. Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth.
"Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth."
"When we place our value into people or things, we tend to feel that we are not enough, worth it, special, or important when relationship status, job titles, friendships, and physical appearances are lost or changed. We then tend to feel lost within ourselves because we’ve placed our value outside of ourselves. Using grace and compassion, you can rebuild your self-worth by returning home to who you are at your core," she concludes.
How To Return Home To Yourself
Denise advises taking a step back and using self-reflection through journaling by answering the following journaling prompts:
First, ask yourself, "What do you tend to attach your self-worth to and why?"
Is it your relationships, your job title, your finances, your appearance, etc.? Why do you think you place so much emphasis on external status? How does it make you feel when you are defining yourself through these entities and/or people outside of yourself?
Then, ask yourself, "Without these things, who am I?"
Once you have your answers, show yourself kindness, remove the shame, and, as Denise says, "Redefine yourself by detaching your value from the things and people you have no control over and no longer serve you. Challenge yourself to define yourself outside of titles and societal values."
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person. You begin to find value in the way you love instead of your relationship status, your compassion instead of your popularity, your drive instead of your income/job title, and your heart instead of your physical appearance," she adds.
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person."
"Be intentional with healing your self-worth by leaning into the people and things that nourish your core values. Surround yourself with the people who love and cherish you, they will always remind you just how valuable you truly are."
It all goes back to self-compassion and grace. As Denise explains, leading with those two things as you heal and rebuild your self-worth allows you to reduce negative self-talk that might come up for you. "This weakens thoughts like, 'I am not enough... why am I never enough?'" she shares, "And 'I don't deserve this while strengthening thoughts like 'I deserve better,' 'I am enough,' and 'I am worth it.'"
Denise continues, "Once you return home and remember the irreplaceable person you are, you can rebuild your self-worth by placing it back where it belongs. It belongs to you."
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Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images