Should You Keep Your Personal & Work Life Separate?
As early as elementary school, I remember taking the twenty-minute ride to Philly's Temple Hospital with my father every evening to pick up my mom from work where she'd be waiting for us on the bench by the back entrance every single time eager to leave the work day behind.
I lost count of how many times I witnessed them make complete U-turns in the cereal aisle when spotting patients they recognized from their hospital jobs, which sent a message about their values when it came to the workplace loud and clear:
Keep your personal and professional life separate.
In fact, build a brick wall complete with floodlights and layered security between the two.
It wasn't because they were ashamed or had anything to hide. As I grew older, it became clear that it was protective measure that ensured the less people have access to your personal life, the less they are able to use against you. Now, as I head to work each day, I've noticed I've adopted a similar attitude where I want work to be more about handling business and less about making BFF's. In my cubicle you'll find more post-it notes than pictures of my daughter. Most days, the mantra I chant through the work day is, "I'm here to make money, not friends."
Because the truth is, when you've built a bitter relationship with the 9-5 struggle, you hit a point when you're over the obligatory small talk at the Keurig.
The limited amount of energy that becomes your life when you're a working mom leads you to prioritize who is worth investing your time, effort, and energy into and, most days, it's not Suzanne from HR.
A recent article published in Harvard Business Review revealed that I'm not alone when it comes to being protective over my personal life as it pertains to the hustle and bustle of the work day. "Why Black Employees Hesitate To Open Up About Themselves" takes a look at an African-American employee at an international bank who, despite exceeding expectations with his work performance, was passed over for promotions repeatedly before he finally got the nerve to discuss the issue with his supervisor. The supervisor's response? "You are really good at your job, but the problem is that the partners feel they don't really know you."
Afterwards, the employee set out with a goal of engaging in more social activities like staff lunches and fantasy sports competitions, all in the hopes of relationship-building, which he says eventually led to growth in his professional career.
Now, before you can finish saying, "Ain't that about some bulls**t," anyone who has worked in the corporate world is familiar with the office politics of socializing and schmoozing your way to a promotion and/or pay raise. But how do you find the balance between being personable without being fake or phony? How do you maintain friendly and respectful relationships at work while still allowing some distance so that work doesn't feel so closely connected to your personal happiness and self-worth?
It's something I found myself forced to explore when a lay-off I experienced left me unemployed and questioning my whole identity. I enjoyed the work I did at the time and, for the most part, the people I got to do it with, but after the lay-off, I was left asking myself questions like, "Was my manager jealous of my side-hustle as a writer? Maybe I shouldn't have divulged that info to someone I soon learned had secret celebrity blogging dreams of their own."
When I learned that supervisors had pretty much laid off their entire staff at the small non-profit to maintain their six-figure salaries, I felt violated. What good was that conversation about my baby's favorite foods if at that end of the day you didn't give a damn about how I'd pay for it? Everyone won't have my same experience, but the situation taught me that work should only be but so intertwined with your personal life. In the event you're stripped of your position, you still want to be able to have a healthy sense of self and feel like the connection you had with people you once engaged with every day for eight hours wasn't all in vain.
The article goes on to state that finding the balance between the personal and professional can especially be a struggle for African-Americans. Many of us were raised in a culture that encourages keeping private business behind closed doors, and in the work space, when many of us are already navigating microaggressions and racial boundaries, shooting the s**t can be more difficult than necessary. For example, my sister and I can talk about Chris Rock's latest stand-up special and find the same jokes funny, but Kathy from Accounting might be offended and the next thing you know, I'll be sitting in front of Suzanne from HR wondering if this will affect my paycheck.
The piece explains that with disclosure comes risk, and it's not just African-Americans who have reservations:
"Opening yourself to others requires risk taking and trust, but without it employees are less likely to build the deeper relationships that lead both to success and to more happiness at work. Our research focuses on African-Americans, but this dynamic applies to the acclimation and professional trajectories of all those who find themselves in the minority at work, including working mothers, older employees at youth-oriented start-ups, and people whose conservative political views make them feel like outliers in organizations dominated by liberals or progressives."
It's not always necessarily about being anti-social either.
I have made friends at work in the past that I've talked to both on and off the clock. I've enjoyed happy hours, holiday parties, and even playdates with colleagues who I developed friendships organically with. But admittedly, it's been difficult for me to navigate the idea of small talk leading to career success. I've always felt like my work should speak for itself and I should be afforded opportunities that were a good match for my talent and work style than just because me and a manager both love Black Ink Chicago. But the authors of the piece say that half-priced margaritas with your manager may just be a necessary rung on the career ladder, and research shows that it's not that people of color aren't turning up with their colleagues, it's that they don't always feel comfortable being themselves while doing so:
"The problem is not that minorities fail to show up for such outings."
"However, in our surveys, minorities are more likely than others to report attending out of a sense of obligation or a fear of negative career consequences if they don't appear."
The studies also confirm that differences aside, attitude is everything and the fact of the matter is if you're only showing up to happy hour out of obligation and not due to organically formed connections, it shows:
"Regardless of race, people who would prefer to skip such events typically come away feeling no more connected to colleagues than when they walked in the door."
Also, when it comes to connecting to colleagues it can be a struggle to find safe things to talk about that doesn't make working next to a person eight hours a day uncomfortable.
Many employees fear that sharing personal details about their lives invites a situation where that info can be used against them.
I've sat in meetings where managers have discussed laying off the co-worker whose husband makes a decent salary before the single mother whose one missed paycheck away from a shut-off notice. Regardless of your performance and how much personal info should or shouldn't affect career opportunities, I think it's always best to proceed with caution when it comes to being an open book at work.
When it comes to balancing your personal and professional life, the advice I can relate to the most in the piece is you have to be comfortable with yourself. Regardless of how disenchanted I have ever been in a position, I've always found that the people I am drawn to the most are those who are authentic. For every colleague who's ever responded with, "Who?" when I've mentioned my love for all things Iyanla Vanzant, there has been another screaming from the printer, "You have to do the work, beloved!"
When you stay true to what drives you in your career and who you are the connections and opportunities will come, and more importantly, they will come from the people and places that are right for you. In the article, a black woman who goes by "Karen" recalls several white colleagues asking her what she did for her birthday one year and how hesitant she was to share about attending a Kirk Franklin concert because they probably didn't even know who the gospel artist was. The moment was significant to her because she realized any position worth having is one where your unique skill set, background, and outlook are welcomed and not discouraged:
"If I am not comfortable with who I am, the music I like, the places I like to go, how can I expect my coworker to value me for who I am? What is so wrong with being excited about Kirk Franklin?"
When it comes to navigating the nuances of your career growth, it helps to create boundaries and rules that keep you safe, motivated, and work for your individual path as a professional. You also have to understand that with growth comes risk and challenging yourself out of your comfort zone once in a while. Work shouldn't be a place where you're uncomfortable being yourself, and adapting to new people and outlooks can be intimidating, but scary doesn't always mean wrong.
It's as simple as being able to bring your distinct identity to your position, without making a mess where you make your money.
With that said, I'm not accepting your friend request unless we've actually had a conversation that wasn't about weather, the Academy Awards, or my awesome "ethnic" hairstyle. You don't get a happy hour invite until I've heard you independently state that you can't stand those squeaky ass shoes our manager wears. And lastly, you can't judge me for listening to Young Jeezy and selling coke in my head until the very last second before I start my shift.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images