Thank You Ne-Yo: A Letter From A Wife To A Married Man
Have you ever heard a man reprimand another man for cheating on his spouse? I haven't.
Ever.
What I have heard is men bragging about cheating, sympathizing with the cheater, assisting him in said cheating, or being amused by it. I've seen this circumstance time and time again and very rarely have I ever, certainly not in person heard a man speakout against cheating, so when I saw singer/songwriter Ne-Yo's recent Instagram post calling men to grow up, I was intrigued:
I don't know Ne-Yo personally, nor can I comment on what goes on within the confines of his marriage or personal life, but what I can say is that in a culture and industry where cheating is expected, glorified, and often times rewarded, it takes a brave, self-aware, and strong man to talk about it and I admire him for speaking on it.
What many men who have cheated on their spouses refuse to realize is the mental and emotional anguish their partner is put through when left to pick up the pieces and often times reconcile a marriage with a man who can't comprehend just how deeply his spouse has been affected. As a woman who is married to a man within the music industry, I've seen and felt firsthand what many of these women have experienced and it's not pretty.
Not only does being cheating on alter your confidence, it literally destroys your peace of mind as well as your outlook on love and the sanctity of marriage. What Ne-Yo did in writing his post was nothing extraordinary, at least it shouldn't have been. It should be normal for men to have this train of thought, to openly express their love for their partner, but sadly the society and culture we live in has normalized adultery more than they have men speaking out against it.
Even in Ne-yo's case though many praised him for his maturity and growth, there were also people who felt he wasn't being genuine and simply wanted to appeal to his female audience for sales purposes.
Again, I don't know Ne-Yo personally, nor am I counting his coins, but I do know that in addition to his own singing career, he's penned many songs for other singers. And if you know anything about royalties, yeah, he's probably not hurting over money.
Though the entertainment industry in general is strongly saturated with men who have cheated, had side babies, relationships and flings along with women who could care less about a ring, or a wife as long as her needs are met be that sexual, financial or simply wanting to be with a "celebrity," there is something so refreshing about a man who glorifies being with one woman and disdains those who feel otherwise.
While admittedly, I'm not one to #goals another relationship or marriage (because #yaneverknow), I thank Ne-Yo for his post. Even if you inspired one man to start thinking differently about love, relationships, marriage, in my opinion you did enough.
Thank you for unapolgetically and openly showing your wife and the world that all you need is her.
*Ariticle originally published on Poet Ashley Renee
Ashley Renee is a soul food enthusiast, sometimes vegetarian, writer and spoken word poet, who doesn't trust boxed macaroni or cats. keep up with her @ashleyreneepoet on Twitter & Instagram.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Another season of Love Is Blind has come to a close, and almost two months later we’re still unpacking the drama that is Clay and AD. The finale, reunion, and post-interviews with Clay and AD after season six of Love Is Blind left millions of people wondering - why couldn’t AD see the signs? Clay told her he had a fear of marriage, his parents experienced infidelity, and he seemed to have many doubts about saying, "I do."
After changing his mind at the altar and hearing AD question why she feels like she’s never enough, I was finished watching. I didn’t need to hear anything else because, at that moment, I realized this wasn’t about Clay; this was about AD feeling inadequate before she ever met Clay.
If I’m honest, I don’t watch much dating television. TikTok keeps me updated with the clips that I need to see in order to be kept in the loop, but it’s difficult for me to watch an entire season of dating TV because seeing Black women settle for less and questioning their beauty is a trigger for me. In many ways, there were points in my life where I was AD, settling and ignoring red flags because I wanted to be loved.
Now, on the other side, it doesn’t feel good to see Black women lower their standards on national television. There have been many hot takes on this couple and who was in the wrong. Did Clay play in AD’s face or did she not listen to the truth of what he told her from day one? Was his reason for joining the show to promote his business and not to find the one?
We’ll never know the truth, but what we can do is learn tactics to better our self-worth. Founder and CEO of The Self Love Organization Denise Francis shared her expertise with xoNecole on what tangible steps to take to improve feelings of worthiness. “Self-love blooms in a garden where self-worth is planted, nourished, and whole. However, when your self-worth is challenged, displaced, or broken, it could be difficult to rebuild," Denise explains.
How To Rebuild Self-Worth
During her self-love coaching sessions, Denise likes to walk her clients through the cornerstones of rebuilding self-worth: grace and self-compassion. To her, self-worth is never lost, it's only displaced, so practicing self-compassion and giving yourself grace is a must. "We tend to place our self-worth in entities and people of ourselves such as relationship status, physical appearance, material possessions, social media followings, what others think of us, and more. Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth.
"Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth."
"When we place our value into people or things, we tend to feel that we are not enough, worth it, special, or important when relationship status, job titles, friendships, and physical appearances are lost or changed. We then tend to feel lost within ourselves because we’ve placed our value outside of ourselves. Using grace and compassion, you can rebuild your self-worth by returning home to who you are at your core," she concludes.
How To Return Home To Yourself
Denise advises taking a step back and using self-reflection through journaling by answering the following journaling prompts:
First, ask yourself, "What do you tend to attach your self-worth to and why?"
Is it your relationships, your job title, your finances, your appearance, etc.? Why do you think you place so much emphasis on external status? How does it make you feel when you are defining yourself through these entities and/or people outside of yourself?
Then, ask yourself, "Without these things, who am I?"
Once you have your answers, show yourself kindness, remove the shame, and, as Denise says, "Redefine yourself by detaching your value from the things and people you have no control over and no longer serve you. Challenge yourself to define yourself outside of titles and societal values."
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person. You begin to find value in the way you love instead of your relationship status, your compassion instead of your popularity, your drive instead of your income/job title, and your heart instead of your physical appearance," she adds.
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person."
"Be intentional with healing your self-worth by leaning into the people and things that nourish your core values. Surround yourself with the people who love and cherish you, they will always remind you just how valuable you truly are."
It all goes back to self-compassion and grace. As Denise explains, leading with those two things as you heal and rebuild your self-worth allows you to reduce negative self-talk that might come up for you. "This weakens thoughts like, 'I am not enough... why am I never enough?'" she shares, "And 'I don't deserve this while strengthening thoughts like 'I deserve better,' 'I am enough,' and 'I am worth it.'"
Denise continues, "Once you return home and remember the irreplaceable person you are, you can rebuild your self-worth by placing it back where it belongs. It belongs to you."
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