8 Things To Discuss Before Moving In With Your Partner
With today's rising rent, the topic of cohabitation tends to swirl around quite a bit.
Sharing an apartment with your boyfriend or girlfriend combines two things we all love - our boo and saving money. But even if money is not the main driving force, taking this step can be life-changing and either be the beginning of something amazing or something you wish never happened. It's about building a life with someone, creating a home together, and starting off on a journey that very often leads to marriage, family, and all that other Happily Ever After stuff.
Last year, my boyfriend and I moved in together. It wasn't our first time around that block, each having been briefly married previously. But, despite what we knew about the process, we still had a lot to learn about each other. The dating process tends to create this lovely filter, catching all things deal-breaking and fear inducing. You put your best foot forward and then go home and return to the version of yourself that no one else sees. If you're thinking about taking this step, you should also be ready to pull back that filter and embrace what's real. My advice is to sit down with your potential new roomie and have a sincere conversation about the immediate future. Here are a few talking points to get you started.
Decide What Moving In Together Means
Straight out the gate, this should be the very first thing discussed. If it isn't already implied or clearly understood for both of you, take the time to do that. Does moving in mean marriage? Does moving in mean saving money and keeping things loose? Relationships come in all shapes and sizes and, therefore, so do relationship expectations. Leave room for change, because things will evolve along the way. Have this conversation often and openly. Living together takes dating into a space that will affect your very livelihood. Merging means change and change requires trust. Of all the many ways you'll have to compromise, this is not one.
What About Your Friends?
You're not just moving in with another person, you're moving in with another person's entire life. Their social circle is likely an important part of that life and one that very well may be at your doorstep on occasion. Its safe to assume that if you and your partner are already talking about living together, that you've met each other's entourage so take a moment to bring up any concerns therewithin. Do you have a friend who creeps him out? Does he need to vacate the premises when you host your bi-monthly brunch? How will your home be opened up to each other's circle of friends is important to discuss. This won't just be your space, after all, so the level of comfort you both have in your home is equally important.
Make An Agreement About Household Chores
My advice when it comes to household chores? Assign them like it's mama's house. Who cooks and on what days? Who does the dishes? Assuming that these things will work themselves out is the quickest way to play yourself. Sure, on a good day everyone offers to be as helpful as possible. But when life gets hectic, irritating, or strained, the volunteering tends to stop. Eliminate the guesswork by deciding in advance who will do what. Three days a week, I make dinner (because my partner gets home from work late). On those days, he does the dishes. I do most of the meal planning and he handles garbage and recycling. We've had arguments about a lot of things, but dinner and dishes has never been one of them.
Define Your Social Expectations
Moving in together should not be the beginning of your life as co-hermits - okay, maybe during the cold months. But in general, living together should be a way in which you both get to experience a new level of commitment. There are new requirements and new roles and one of those is the role of social supporter. Push each other to stay engaged in all the things they were before the move. Be each other's cheerleader when the energy to get up and go is low. Be each other's activity partner even if the activity isn't your fave. Coupledom slows life down a bit and brings you home when you otherwise would have gone out. Finding the balance is the difference between being a Netflix and Chill couple and a Power Couple.
Create An Emergency Only Exit Strategy
We can't talk about the beginning of something without talking about it's potential end. Things happen and sometimes relationships don't work out. The finger-pointing and back and forth that come with a breakup shouldn't have to muddle logistics. From the very beginning, outline who keeps the apartment, who keeps the couch, and who keeps the deposit. This also frees you both from feeling any uncertainty about your living situation should you feel the relationship needs to end. There's nothing worse than having to stay somewhere you don't want to, simply because you can't afford to leave.
Cleaning Under the Rug
Time to talk about that argument you had a few months ago that never got resolved. Or admit to each other what pet peeves have been driving you up the wall. It doesn't have to be serious, but take the time to air things out. Whatever isn't getting talked about now, can find its way back in later, possibly in the form of an eruption. You won't have the "safety" of retreating to your seperate corners now that all of your corners will be shared. So, bite the bullet and keep it all the way real in the name of love.
Have An Awkward Conversation About Money
Around the time we started looking for apartments, my boyfriend and I had an awkward conversation about credit. It was one of those, "Tell me yours and I'll tell you mine" situations where we both walked away knowing way more about each other than we had before. But in the end, being honest about finances has been a benefit to our growth. We also talked about how household expenses would be divided. It doesn't always have to be about how money is spent, you can also discuss how your money can grow together. Plan out an investment strategy so that even in the event of a break up, you both walk away winners.
Define Your Deal-Breakers.
Everyone has a line (or two) that absolutely cannot be crossed. Cheating, lies, bad habits that affect others - whatever it is, make it clear that a violation will result in the relationship ending. It's way too easy to feel a sigh of relief once keys have been exchanged and mail has been forwarded. It can give the false illusion that the relationship is permanent, when in reality, no relationship is permanent when it's mistreated. This might be a conversation you have with yourself before you have it with bae, but at some point, it's important to show your worth and lay out what won't be tolerated.
Featured image by Getty Images
- Guide and Tips for moving in with your partner, boyfriend, fiance ... ›
- 15 Realities You Face After You Just Moved In With Your Boyfriend ›
- 8 Steps You Should Take Before Living with Your Partner ... ›
- 13 Signs You're Ready to Move In Together | Glamour ›
- Moving in with Your Boyfriend? The 30+ Questions to Ask Beforehand. ›
- 21 Awesome Things That Happen When You Move In With Your ... ›
- Am I ready to move in with my partner? An expert's guide – plus ... ›
- THIS Is The Best Time To Move In With Your Partner, According To ... ›
- Why You Should Think Twice Before Moving in With Your Partner ›
- How to Move in With Your Partner Without Blowing It - VICE ›
Ashley Simpo is a writer, mother and advocate for self-care and healthy relationships. She lives in Brooklyn, NY. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @ashleysimpo. Check out her work and her musings on ashleysimpocreative.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
While I was growing up, I didn’t take a lot of medicine; it simply wasn’t the type of household that I was raised in. Don’t get me wrong, if things got real crazy (like when I had chickenpox or strep throat), a round of antibiotics is exactly what I was given. However, if something could be handled in a more holistic fashion, that’s just what my mother preferred to do.
I’m pretty sure that’s a big part of the reason why one, my immune system is still going strong to this day, and two, I’m so “pro herbs” my damn self. It’s also why I like to write about the things that I’ve learned about them as often as I can. Today, what I want to tackle is some herbs that you may have never heard of that could be just what you’re looking for when it comes to achieving optimal health.
Now before diving in, I think it would be totally irresponsible of me if I didn’t advise that you only take this as an introduction to the following eight. What I mean by that is after checking out the list, please do some thorough research on your own, please pay attention to what articles may say potential side effects may be (some herbs are pretty damn powerful), and pretty please run these by your doctor before taking them (especially if you’re currently on any type of medication). At the same time, though, as an avid herb taker myself, I wouldn’t be singing the praises of them if I wasn’t such a fan of what herbs are able to do, in general.
So, are you ready to learn about some cool herbs that you (probably) don’t hear about every day? Let’s do this.
1. Aritha (Soapnut)
If you’ve ever been curious about what Ayurveda actually means, probably the easiest way to break it down is it’s a popular form of alternative medicine. One of its main philosophies is that most diseases are brought on either by stress or an imbalance in the system — and since things like asthma, diabetes, depression, obesity, and heart disease are all directly tied to stress…Ayurveda is certainly onto something.
What does this have to do with aritha (which also has the “nickname” soapnut)? It’s something that is used in Ayurveda when it comes to achieving, well, all sorts of things. Because it’s a solid source of vitamins A, E, and K, it can help to do everything from making migraines more bearable and bringing relief to asthma to reducing dandruff and taming frizzy hair. In fact, if healthy hair is your goal this year, mixing some soapnuts with some of your favorite hair products could be what makes it so much easier to get what you’re after.
2. Brahmi
Brahmi is a really interesting herb due to the things that it is able to accomplish. If you want to improve your memory, try Brahmi. Looking to get a better night’s sleep? Try Brahmi. Sick of feeling anxious and stressed out? Yep…you already know: try Brahmi. Apparently, because of its potent antioxidants and powerful anti-inflammatory properties, it can even help to improve your cognitive function and reduce ADHD symptoms. Like I oftentimes say: the more you know, the more you freakin’ know.
3. Epazote
From what I’ve read and researched about this particular herb, it’s used in a myriad of ways, from cooking to essential oils to teas (apparently, it tastes like a mixture of oregano, mint, and citrus…hmph). The reason why you might want to consider adding it to your health and wellness regimen is that it is high in fiber (which makes it great for treating constipation and bloating), it has a good amount of magnesium, potassium, and calcium in it and it can help to boost your immunity, strengthen your bones and help you to shed a few pounds. As a bonus, epazote is also good for helping to keep your blood pressure under control, too.
4. Gokshura
An herb that gets rave reviews in Chinese medicine is gokshura. Although the West is still catching up on learning about it (surprise, surprise…#totalsarcasm), men have used it to increase their testosterone while women have relied on it for menopause symptom-related relief (including irritability, hot flashes, low lubrication, and yes, a low libido too). Something else that makes this an herb worth noting is some studies have revealed that it helps strengthen ovarian health as well.
5. Mullein
If your respiratory health is what you’re trying to get under control, try mullein. Since it’s got solid anti-inflammatory, antioxidant, and antiviral properties, this is an herb that has a reputation for keeping your respiratory state in good condition. That’s why those who are looking for alternatives to medicine when it comes to coughing, bronchitis, asthma, and overall congestion sometimes rely on this herb. The way most people prefer to consume it is either in tea or powder form.
6. Rhodiola
Are you stressed out all of the time? Maybe you’re so overworked that you find yourself feeling drained and fatigued more than you would like. For both of these issues, something that brings some much-needed relief is rhodiola. Since the roots of this herb are adaptogens, and those help your body to handle stress more effectively, how could someone who doesn’t exactly watch the clock when it comes to work not have this in their possession? Plus, if working out is another way that you try to keep your stress levels under control, this is an herb that can help to improve your exercise performance, too.
7. Safed Musli
A rare herb from India that seems to be going through a bit of an international overharvesting crisis right now is safed musli which is also known as Chlorophytum borivilianum. Whether you’re looking to increase muscle mass, boost the testosterone levels in your partner, reduce stress, help to prevent hair loss, or naturally treat male infertility, safed musli is an herb whose name comes up in all of these topics as far as natural alternatives go. Impressive indeed.
8. Shatavari
Another name for Shatavari is Asparagus racemosus, and yes, it is a part of the asparagus crew. Its antioxidant properties help to fight off free radicals, its anti-inflammatory benefits are great at keeping your immune system in top shape; and if you’re looking for something that will slow down the signs of aging in your skin, Shatavari is good for that, too. Because I will always and forever be on the lookout for all-natural things that can make your sex life better than ever, that’s another reason to do your own additional research on this herb.
Word on the street is it’s so good at balancing your hormones that, not only can it give your libido a boost, it can also make PMS more bearable, it can make it easier to breastfeed and it can help with perimenopause and menopause-related symptoms. Yeah, Shatavari is that girl.
____
There you have it: eight herbs that you might not have ever heard of that can do your body a world of good. Again, run them by your physician, get them from a reputable health company, and follow the directions as given. If you do all of that, you should be on your way to having some unusual herbs doing some awesome things in your life.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by PixelsEffect/Getty Images