#MeToo Creator Tarana Burke Makes TIME's Person Of The Year List
In a world where the experiences of women are made to feel invalidated, speaking up is a radical and progressive act.
Sexual assault would not be able to take their power away anymore. More than any other year before it, 2017 was the embodiment of women no longer keeping silent about their discomfort for the comfort of men. Together, they said “no" to the word victim and subsequently reclaimed the power they felt left without. Together, they said, “#MeToo."
Today, TIMErecognized the significance of these women in their pick for their 2017 Person of the Year and the move was an equally powerful one.
TIME's Person of the Year are aptly called The Silence Breakers. The Silence Breakers are a culmination of women (and some men) from all walks of life that have refused to remain silent about sexual misconduct.
Among those gracing the cover of the special edition issue are actresses Alyssa Milano and Ashley Judd, the former spearheaded the resurgence of the #MeToo movement, and the latter went on record about her accusations against producer Harvey Weinstein. But the cover story sheds light on women outside of the industry, including a strawberry picker who didn't use her real name and corporate lobbyist Adama Iwu who came forward about being groped in the workplace.
Perhaps what is even more groundbreaking about this issue is that it is a story developed and produced by all women. Charlotte Atler, a national correspondent for TIME, said on Twitter: “This was conceived, reported, and written by women. It was fact-checked by women. The video was shot and edited by women. The layout and photo spread were designed by women. It was one of the reasons I'm proud to work at @time."
The creator of the #MeToo movement, Tarana Burke, who started the movement back in 2006 is also profiled in the issue among the Silence Breakers. Despite Me Too gaining popularity and becoming viral after Milano shared a tweet including the hashtag back in October, Burke is truly the mother of the movement.
Activist Brittany Packnett made mention of the power of black women forcing the media to give Burke her due diligence in regards to the significance she played in #MeToo via a post on Instagram. She wrote, "This recognition is an acknowledgment of the power of black women - and of the importance of being vigilant about speaking the truth. Years ago, Tarana would have been relegated to kitchen table conversations while someone else walked away with the public acclaim and just due that actually belonged to a black person-a black women. No more. No more. This is evidence of us individually and collectively facing down the evil of silence in many forms. Thank you, Tarana. Thank you, thank you, thank you."
Thank you indeed.
Host of Sirius XM's "BEVELATIONS" Bevy Smith shared a similar sentiment on Instagram, praising Burke and saluting what she did as a black woman and what all black women have the power to do. In her caption, she wrote:
"Kudos to @time for making #TheSilenceBreakers #TimePersonOfTheYear seeing the goddess [Tanara Burke] receiving her grace for CREATING the #MeToo movement over a decade ago. A movement she started for HER COMMUNITY which is now changing the world! You know Black Women are often the fire starters, we are on the front lines of every major movement but rarely given credit! Our voices overshadowed, IGNORED by others, 'they' tried it with Tarana & #MeToo but WE, BLACK WOMEN & our twitterverse SHUT IT DOWN! Today is a good day & it proves unequivocally that."
An activist in her own right, Burke started Me Too as a way for women to show solidarity with their fellow women and has been contributing to the advancement of women for over a decade. In 2007, she created a nonprofit called Just Be Inc., for women overcoming sexual trauma. 10 years later, Burke is being recognized for her contributions to the world and her part in creating social change with the founding of the viral hashtag. She said:
“Sexual harassment does bring shame. And I think it's really powerful that this transfer is happening, that these women are not able to just share their shame, but to put the shame where it belongs: on the perpetrator."
While people with a platform like Terry Crews, Rose McGowan, and Lupita Nyong'o coming forward with their stories is worthy of applause and celebration, in narratives talking about sexual misconduct and abuse, there are groups of people that are less likely to come forward with their stories. The woman whose elbow is only shown on the cover and the strawberry picker Pascual who doesn't use her real name serve as an example of that.
For those who are brave enough, they can be voices, but not necessarily faces.
As TIMEreported:
“Those who are often most vulnerable in society – immigrants, people of color, people with disabilities, low-income workers, and LGBTQ people – described many types of dread."
The sad reality is that for most victims of abuse, they have no choice but to accept the sexual misconduct out of fear of job loss. In the profile, the women of the Plaza Hotel shared their heartbreaking story that is an example of such an instance. Crystal Washington, an employee of the Plaza Hotel, recalled being excited about joining the hotel as a hospitality coordinator. But shortly after, a co-worker made vulgar statements towards her and would grope her, “I can tell you had sex last night."
Even though what the co-worker did to her was caught on camera, her management did nothing about the incident. Now, Washington and six other female employees of the Plaza Hotel have filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against the hotel.
“It's a dream to be an employee there. And then you find out what it really is, and it's a nightmare."
The Silence Breakers making the TIME cover as Person of the Year is a sign that we've come a long way, but the stories that some of the women shared and continue to share shows that there is still more work that needs to be done.
Read the TIME magazine Person of the Year feature in full here.
Featured image by Sarah Morris/Getty Images
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images