Mashonda On Mending Her Relationship With Alicia Keys: "You Have To Do The Self-Work To Blend"
I grew up in a single-parent home and I always knew that one day, I would have the nuclear family of my dreams. And while I did eventually achieve this, he and I eventually grew apart and the relationship dissolved.
People speak about how difficult divorce can be, but for me, the hardest part was knowing that I was now going to have to figure out how to co-parent for the sake of our two children, and that was very scary at first.
I worried about a lot of things, but mostly I realized the lack of control I would experience when the kids weren't with me. The notion that "mom knows best" made me truly understand why so many couples stay for the sake of the kids.
No two families are the same, and for Mashonda Tifrere, hers is now "blended". Many know her as Swizz Beatz's (Kasseem Dean) ex-wife but she's made a point to prove to the media that she is much more than that. Mashonda is a poised and confident advocate for the power of a healthy and, for some, unique way to raise children in this ever-evolving world that we live in.
The 39-year-old just released her book, Blend: The Secret to Co-Parenting and Creating a Balanced Family, and in it she details what she needed to do for herself to overcome her breakup with Swizz Beatz, how the couple eventually came together for the sake of her son Kasseem Dean, Jr., and how they were able to blend their family and include Swizz Beatz's current wife, Alicia Keys, into the fold.
Mashonda recently sat down with The Breakfast Club to talk about the book, address some of the lingering rumors surrounding her divorce, and what it means to co-parent versus having a blended family.
She told listeners that initially, there was a lot of work that needed to be done through the help of therapy, counseling, and a genuine desire to do what was best for her son to get the point where she felt knowledgeable enough to write this book. Although it isn't a tell-all, Mashonda describes the book as a gift from her family to ours. She told The Breakfast Club:
"I had to go through everything to get to this point to be able to actually pen a book about the experience. It was necessary. We have accomplished something that our culture truly doesn't understand, and it's a gift. It's a gift from us to the world."
Back when their relationship ended, and the new one began between Mashonda's ex-husband and his current wife, there were plenty of rumors and words used to describe what had been going on. Charlamagne bluntly addressed the "homewrecker" rumors, to which Mashonda replied: "I have never used that word once."
She says that while they had a lot of miscommunication in the beginning, they were able to amicably work through it all.
In the interview, Mashonda revealed what led her to finally have the tough conversation with Beatz in order to effectively co-parent and eventually blend their families. She said that when Kasseem, who was born in 2006, was 6 years old and starting to act out in school, she knew they needed to make a change. She says:
"When you have children and your children have questions, and you can feel their energy shifting based on the energy you're giving them--if you're a good parent, you know you have to make the change."
Mashonda says that she wanted something different for her own child because of her own experience growing up. She was always adamant about keeping the father-son bond tight because kids have a right to have their parents in their lives.
Mashonda also admits that despite much of the miscommunication in the beginning, she also realized that she needed to heal within herself in order to truly move forward and blend a family stating:
"You have to do the self-work to get to the point to where you can blend."
In the book, the first three chapters (Look to the Light, Rebuild Your Spirit, and Surrender) address what it took for her to heal from the divorce and the ruthless attack from the outside world. Through this healing she was able to start the process of accepting that she wanted to create a healthy and stable blended family for her son.
Mashonda recounted the many ways that not only does Alicia step up to be an awesome bonus mom, but she also is consistently proving that she will be there to do what she has to do. What was most revealing was Mashonda's take on what it means to co-parent versus having a blended family. She says that it comes from the desire to show her son that the people in his life can actually get along. She reveals:
"You can co-parent or you can blend. I notice that when people co-parent, they might not like each other...you drop they kid off, 'hey', keep it moving...that's co-parenting. Blending is a higher level, it's a lifestyle. It is truly putting harmony into the relationship, and ultimately, that's what I wanted to for my son. I wanted him to see the people in his life truly and genuinely get along. So that meant that I had to do the work, we had to do the work, and we had to see eye to eye. And it's extra work. And it depends, which parent are you? Do want that or do you want this? You get to choose, but ultimately, you are molding the future in your child, you are creating who this human being is going to be."
Sheree Fletcher, Misa Hylton, and Malik Yoba have also shared their experiences with Mashonda in the book, which is now available for purchase.
Parenting is already hard, and a co-parenting situation can be tricky at first. When parents are able to put aside their egos for the sake of the children, you might be surprised what type of family dynamic may come of it. Kudos to Mashonda, Swizz, and Alicia for showing us that a blended family can not only work, but it can be a lot of fun, too!
To see more of Mashonda's interview with The Breakfast Club, click here.
Featured image by Gary Gershoff/WireImage
Michelle Schmitz is a writer and editor based in Washington, DC originally from Ft Lauderdale, FL. A self-described ambivert, you can find her figuring out ways to read more than her monthly limit of The New York Times, attending concerts, and being a badass, multi-tasking supermom. She also runs her own blog MichelleSasha.com. Keep up with her latest moves on IG: @michellesashawrites and Twitter: @michellesashas
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Another season of Love Is Blind has come to a close, and almost two months later we’re still unpacking the drama that is Clay and AD. The finale, reunion, and post-interviews with Clay and AD after season six of Love Is Blind left millions of people wondering - why couldn’t AD see the signs? Clay told her he had a fear of marriage, his parents experienced infidelity, and he seemed to have many doubts about saying, "I do."
After changing his mind at the altar and hearing AD question why she feels like she’s never enough, I was finished watching. I didn’t need to hear anything else because, at that moment, I realized this wasn’t about Clay; this was about AD feeling inadequate before she ever met Clay.
If I’m honest, I don’t watch much dating television. TikTok keeps me updated with the clips that I need to see in order to be kept in the loop, but it’s difficult for me to watch an entire season of dating TV because seeing Black women settle for less and questioning their beauty is a trigger for me. In many ways, there were points in my life where I was AD, settling and ignoring red flags because I wanted to be loved.
Now, on the other side, it doesn’t feel good to see Black women lower their standards on national television. There have been many hot takes on this couple and who was in the wrong. Did Clay play in AD’s face or did she not listen to the truth of what he told her from day one? Was his reason for joining the show to promote his business and not to find the one?
We’ll never know the truth, but what we can do is learn tactics to better our self-worth. Founder and CEO of The Self Love Organization Denise Francis shared her expertise with xoNecole on what tangible steps to take to improve feelings of worthiness. “Self-love blooms in a garden where self-worth is planted, nourished, and whole. However, when your self-worth is challenged, displaced, or broken, it could be difficult to rebuild," Denise explains.
How To Rebuild Self-Worth
During her self-love coaching sessions, Denise likes to walk her clients through the cornerstones of rebuilding self-worth: grace and self-compassion. To her, self-worth is never lost, it's only displaced, so practicing self-compassion and giving yourself grace is a must. "We tend to place our self-worth in entities and people of ourselves such as relationship status, physical appearance, material possessions, social media followings, what others think of us, and more. Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth.
"Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth."
"When we place our value into people or things, we tend to feel that we are not enough, worth it, special, or important when relationship status, job titles, friendships, and physical appearances are lost or changed. We then tend to feel lost within ourselves because we’ve placed our value outside of ourselves. Using grace and compassion, you can rebuild your self-worth by returning home to who you are at your core," she concludes.
How To Return Home To Yourself
Denise advises taking a step back and using self-reflection through journaling by answering the following journaling prompts:
First, ask yourself, "What do you tend to attach your self-worth to and why?"
Is it your relationships, your job title, your finances, your appearance, etc.? Why do you think you place so much emphasis on external status? How does it make you feel when you are defining yourself through these entities and/or people outside of yourself?
Then, ask yourself, "Without these things, who am I?"
Once you have your answers, show yourself kindness, remove the shame, and, as Denise says, "Redefine yourself by detaching your value from the things and people you have no control over and no longer serve you. Challenge yourself to define yourself outside of titles and societal values."
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person. You begin to find value in the way you love instead of your relationship status, your compassion instead of your popularity, your drive instead of your income/job title, and your heart instead of your physical appearance," she adds.
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person."
"Be intentional with healing your self-worth by leaning into the people and things that nourish your core values. Surround yourself with the people who love and cherish you, they will always remind you just how valuable you truly are."
It all goes back to self-compassion and grace. As Denise explains, leading with those two things as you heal and rebuild your self-worth allows you to reduce negative self-talk that might come up for you. "This weakens thoughts like, 'I am not enough... why am I never enough?'" she shares, "And 'I don't deserve this while strengthening thoughts like 'I deserve better,' 'I am enough,' and 'I am worth it.'"
Denise continues, "Once you return home and remember the irreplaceable person you are, you can rebuild your self-worth by placing it back where it belongs. It belongs to you."
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Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images