Why It's Okay If He Marries The Next Woman and Not You
I've seen it happen far too many times. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl embark on what eventually becomes a long term relationship. After a few years girl begins to wonder if boy is even considering marriage since boy seems to be quite complacent just being a boyfriend. Girl grows frustrated from waiting and eventually boy and girl break up. After some time, boy meets new girl and seems to wife her up overnight. Girl gets angry and considers catching a felony because she feels all she did was prepare her boyfriend to be someone else's husband. WTF happened?
Why did he marry the next woman and not you? Let me reassure you of something I learned in a past relationship:
[easy-tweet tweet="The world is filled with plenty of good people who are not good for each other. " via="no" usehashtags="no"]
The world is filled with plenty of good people who are not good for each other. Now I know that’s not very comforting when you feel like you’ve invested years into “upgrading” a guy only for him to turn around and give the good life to a new girl. It was only a few months ago that I listened to one of my best friend’s vent about her child’s father:
“I helped this ni**a get a passport. I’ve filled out job applications and created resumes for him. If it wasn’t for me his stupid ass wouldn't even know what an "offer letter" is and now he’s spending his checks on this new b**ch and her kids?”
The same happened when a few years ago news broke that singer Ne-Yo was not only engaged but expecting a child with model Crystal Renay, a few fans weren't feeling very congratulatory as they questioned the "Let Me Love You" crooner's relationship choices. It didn’t help that the mother of his children, Monyetta Shaw was recently featured on the Vh-1 series Atlanta Exes at the time and revealed details about a decision she claimed she and the singer shared for her to undergo tubal ligation after giving birth to son Mason and daughter Madilyn:
“As a family we decided we didn’t want any more kids. Once we learned that our second child was a boy, we were in the office high-fiving like ‘Yes. We’re done, The doctor hit us with the option.”“If we done, we done, we decided we didn’t want anymore kids, we decided we didn’t want anymore kids.”
So when Crystal Renay took to Instagram last summer to post an ultrasound pic announcing her pregnancy with the singer whose legal name is Shaffer Smith, fans went all the way in on the couple in Shaw’s defense, calling Ne-Yo a “disgusting animal” and even bringing up Crystal Renay’s “porn past” with clips surfacing of her appearance in an adult video years ago.
Admittedly I had conflicting feelings about the situation. I couldn’t imagine making a decision with a man I wasn’t married to that we had completed our family and yet I’m the one who needs to undergo irreversible surgery, but I could sympathize with Shaw, who was clearly in love with a man she believed she would spend her life with. And as much as I gave Ne-Yo and Crystal Renay the side-eye, from what was revealed about the situation he didn’t cheat on Shaw and he didn’t make a baby with Crystal Renay on a break. From what we could see, the relationship with the mother of his children didn’t work out, and he had moved on and seemingly found happiness with someone else. So why were some women so angry?
No woman wants to feel like she was treated like trash by a man only for him to move on and treat the next woman like treasure. There’s something justifying about chanting phrases like “Once a cheater always a cheater,” or “How you met him is how you’ll lose him,” in our heads when a horrible ex moves on to the next. I can remember plenty of times browsing through an ex’s Instagram to see him experience one break up after the other and chuckling to myself, thinking, “That’s exactly what the hell you get for thinking you could do better than me.” It’s not that we celebrate our sistas being dogged and degraded, but I believe there’s a certain part in a very dark place of every woman who has been hurt that needs to be convinced it REALLY is him and not you. Seeing an ex move on to find happiness with the next woman challenges that false sense of confidence.
But here’s the thing, helping a man become a better person is about wanting to build up someone you love so they can reach their full potential, not because you trying to "Easy Bake" the perfect boyfriend. It’s about supporting your partner because you love them at the time, even if if that love doesn’t last forever. And even if he takes all those investments and deposits them in the next relationship, it doesn’t always mean that all you should be left with left with is resentment. Break-ups don’t always have to be someone’s fault and I truly believe some people bring out the best in one another, and some people bring out the worst.
It’s also about timing and maturity. I’ve seen men who at 23, couldn’t remember the name of the woman they had sex with two seconds ago. But later at 30, have settled down and are in committed relationships of trust and respect. As much as it gives us a sense of control and hope that we can change a man, the truth is only time and the man himself can do that, not the new girlfriend or wife. If that doesn’t happen on your watch, you have to accept that it wasn’t meant to be and move on.
There’s a phrase that The Real co-host Tamera Mowry always uses that I love: “Man’s rejection, is God’s protection.” I recently bumped into an ex and learned he got married not too long ago and as we caught up on all of our life changes, it didn’t take long for me to recognize his wife was custom made for him. She didn’t seem like a bad person, but she definitely accepted things in the relationship that I would have never gone for and I was reminded of exactly why we didn’t work out in the first place. So if Ne-Yo up and lost his mind and left Crystal Renay today and tried to make it work with Monyetta Shaw, I wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t work out once again. Sometimes you have to trust “the one that got away” was actually “good riddance.”
- When Your Ex Marries the Next Girl (Sorry, Jessica Simpson ... ›
- This Is Why He Committed To The Girl He Met After You | Thought ... ›
- You Break Up, He Marries Her: What She's Doing That You Didn't ... ›
- All My Exes Married The Girl They Dated IMMEDIATELY After Me ... ›
- Why Did He Date You For Years Then Marry The Next Chick ... ›
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
If you’re like many other people who are prioritizing wellness these days, then attending a wellness retreat might be something to consider. Wellness retreats are a cool way to get the relaxation you’ve been missing in a space with like-minded people who share a common goal. I descended upon my first wellness retreat, the Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat, a couple of weeks ago at the Zoëtry Agua Punta Cana Resort in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.
Zoëtry Agua is part of the Inclusive Collection for the World of Hyatt. It is nestled on a secluded part of Uvero Alto beach, which has crystal blue waters. The resort itself is picturesque, with its thatched roofs and lazy rivers that make you feel like you’re in a cute little village.
Mindy, Body, + Sol Retreat was hosted by Koya Webb, holistic health and wellness coach and yoga instructor, and it also featured other wellness practitioners who combined provided the ultimate gift of relaxation and getting back to oneself.
The first night was a Welcome Dinner that featured a five-course meal and an opportunity to meet our companions for the next three days. The food was impeccable and the only downside was that I wasn’t able to finish it all. The next day, however, was the official start of the classes, and I was ready to dive in.
Aura and Chakra Reading
Aura and chakra reading
Photo courtesy
My first class was an aura and chakra reading led by Laura McCann and James Levinson, an Asheville, NC couple. I’ve had chakra readings before, but never like this. There was a computer, a camera, and a scanner, which I placed my hand on for the reading. After two minutes, I received a 15-page report explaining my aura and chakra reading.
It breaks down what the colors of your aura are and what your chakras say. My main colors were green and yellow, which were defined by a variety of things. The top of my aura was green, meaning I have a social mental state and I’m a natural healer. My aura on my left side was yellow meaning my energy flowing is optimistic and light and so on.
After James discussed the findings with me, I then met with Laura, who gave me aromatherapy oils from their ADORAtherapy line that represented each chakra. She further explained the results of my chakra reading and shared how each oil can assist. Chakras are the energy centers in our body, and there is a total of seven: root, sacral, solar plexus, heart, throat, third eye, and crown. All of my chakras were high except for my heart chakra, which I have since been working on. I may follow up about that in another article.
Sound Bath
Sound bath class
Photo courtesy
Next was the sound bath class. It was located in the spa, which was indoor/ outdoor and the perfect setting for this kind of experience. Andrew Francis and Carrie Bailey of Zenden Meditation were the co-pilots in transporting attendees into a place of tranquility. I laid down, closed my eyes, and allowed the sounds around me to bring me into a relaxing state. From the singing bowls to the wind chimes, I was in heaven. I even fell asleep and got some of the best rest I’ve had in a while. It was a beautiful experience. However, remember when I noted it was an indoor/ outdoor venue? I forgot to put on bug spray and woke up pretty itchy. But it didn’t stop me from enjoying the moment.
Tea Party
Art of Tea Ritual Tea Party
Photo courtesy
The last event of the day was the Art of Tea Ritual located in the resort’s tea garden. It was everything you could want in a tea party. Delectable treats such as cookies, cakes, and white chocolate-covered strawberries, which are my fave. And, of course, tea. While I got to sip tea, I also got to make my own tea blend. There were many different teas to choose from, like hibiscus to your regular black tea. I decided to mix rose and mint and I called it RoseMint. I didn’t get to try my tea blend until I got home, and I’ll be honest, it’s probably the best tea I ever had. The tea herbs taste so fresh, and I love how fragrant it smells.
Breathwork
Breathwork Class
Photo Courtesy
The next morning was all about breathwork. If you exercise regularly, then you probably know the importance of breathing. But there’s more to it besides remembering to breathe during your workout. Margaret Townsend is a breathwork facilitator who helps people achieve wellness by consciously changing their breathing patterns. In her class, I learned to change my breathing pattern for energy as well as for relaxation. While I know that breathing is a relaxation tool, I was blown away to learn that it can also energize you. Because it was a different breathing pattern, I was also able to stay present and keep a steady pace.
Yoga
Koya Webb's yoga class
Photo courtesy
The final class of the retreat was evening yoga with Koya Webb, who, as I mentioned earlier, was the host. Her class was held beside the beautiful Uvero Alto beach, which made for a stunning backdrop and the perfect way to end the retreat. It was important for me to get back into my body after not doing yoga for a few weeks, so I was really focused on nailing the moves. However, Koya kept the energy light and fun, evening cracking a few jokes throughout, which made it easy for me to relax and enjoy the moment. She ended the class with a dance break and hugs from our classmates.
The Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat reminded me how important it is to take time to love on myself. Each class was an opportunity to be present and get reacquainted with oneself in the most loving way. Being surrounded by individuals who encouraged my journey was what I needed, and I am so honored to have had this experience.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by courtesy