Maintenance Sex Could Be The Key To A Successful Marriage
If you're a sexually active single person who desires to get married someday, I want to provide you a quick word of caution — single sex can be really misleading. Good, sure, but still misleading.
What I mean by that is, although I personally know a few married couples where both partners were virgins on their wedding night, as life would have it, the common thread of every couple I've personally worked with is, they had sex prior to saying "I do". About 80 percent of those who did say that sex after marriage isn't quite what they expected it to be, mostly when it comes to frequency and creativity.
Apparently, my clients are not alone. I say that because, a couple of years ago, Cosmo conducted a survey on how the sex lives of women ages 20-29 changed once they were married. As single women, many of them were having sex no less than 2-3 times a week. After marriage, they were lucky if they got it in once a week. That isn't bad, but 42 percent of women (and shocking, I know, 62 percent of men) still wish they were having sex more often.
So, why is there such a difference between sex before marriage and coitus after it?
That's a podcast series all on its own, but one of the main things is, single sex sets you up to have a pretty idealistic view of sex. You plan entire nights around it. You make sure you're looking, feeling, and (hopefully) smelling your best at all times. You don't want you or your partner to get bored, so you're always looking for ways to make sex fun and exciting.
Then you get married and assume that you'll be getting the 2.0 version of this kind of action. But then life gets in the way — bills, hectic schedules, arguments, fatigue, kids. Although Saturday nights used to be about finding the most affordable hotel room to try the latest sex position one of your girlfriends read about on Ask Men, now you're lucky if you and yours can get through an entire movie without falling asleep on the couch.
It's not that you don't love your spouse anymore. Sex just isn't as much of a priority as it used to be.
The problem with that is, it's supposed to be. Sex is supposed to be one of the main things that makes marriage different from all other types of relationships. If it's missing, think about it — in many ways, what makes your relationship with your spouse any different than the one you have with your bestie or roommate?
So, what's the remedy to gettin' it in more consistently? Some say it's maintenance sex. What the heck is that? In a nutshell, it's the kind of sex that you plan to have; not just plan but execute. Even if it has to be a quickie or neither of you are exactly in the sexiest kind of mood at the time, you put it on your schedule.
Already that doesn't sound the most erotic or appealing, does it? I get that but here's the thing. Out of all of the couples I've worked with, no matter why they initially came to see me, something that was lacking was the amount of sex they were having. The bedroom issues ranged from their partner being selfish in bed to one of them being too pissed with their spouse to even want to have sex. And the less they had it, the further apart they became.
While single sex makes you treat sex as a fun activity, some married people see sex as some sort of reward. That way of thinking only damages their relationship and sex life over time because, in many ways, sex is a type of glue that helps to keep a couple together.
That's because there is bonafide scientific evidence to support that sex brings two people closer. And you know what? Their bodies and the oxytocin that their bodies produce couldn't care less who didn't pay the cable bill on time or who argued with their mother-in-law.
When kisses, cuddling, foreplay, and intercourse happen, it establishes (or reaffirms) the bond that two people share.
This is why maintenance sex is currently so popular (just Google it and see how many links you find). It's not so much about trying to create the best sex experience ever (although going into the act with that frame of mind never hurts) so much as it's about making sure that you and yours make a sexual connection in order to keep your mental and emotional ones intact.
If after reading all of this, you're still like, "If I can't have an hour of mind-blowing sex every time I do it, I'd rather not have it at all", in the wise words of Dr. Phil, "How is that working for ya?" Beyond just you, how is that frame of mind working for your partner and your marriage overall?
Look, no one is saying (or even encouraging) that you have to engage in maintenance sex all of the time. I'm just saying that just like you might not be totally in love with every meal that you eat or you don't always want to go to the gym, you do these things because you know that eating well and working out are necessary for your overall health and longevity. The same thing goes for sex and how it benefits your marriage.
When you were single, having sex was optional. Now that you're married, it's a staple in your relationship. Even when it's not the kind that has you climbing the walls, trust that the time and effort you're making, along with the oxytocin that's being produced, is doing wonders for your marriage.
A good marriage consists of consistent maintenance — both in and out of the bedroom. Love yourself, your spouse, and your relationship enough to fit in a little maintenance sex every once in a while. It's better than no sex at all. Believe that.
Featured Image by Getty Images.
Related Articles:
What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex – Read More
10 Sex Resolutions Every Married Couple Should Make – Read More
Married Couples: These 6 DIY Recipes Will Take Your Sex Life To The Next Level – Read More
5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar – Read More
- Marriages Need Maintenance - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 7 Things Successful Marriages Need - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Amy Poehler's Honest Relationship Advice: Maintenance Sex is OK ... ›
- Do couples really need to have 'maintenance sex'? ›
- How to Have Maintenance Sex ›
- What Is Maintenance Sex—and Should You Be Having It? - Health ›
- How to Repair a Sexless Marriage, According to Sex Therapists ... ›
- The Myth of Maintenance Sex | HuffPost ›
- Why Maintenance Sex Is So Important in Happy Marriages | Brides ›
- What is maintenance sex? It may help strengthen your marriage ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage