Maintenance Sex Could Be The Key To A Successful Marriage
If you're a sexually active single person who desires to get married someday, I want to provide you a quick word of caution — single sex can be really misleading. Good, sure, but still misleading.
What I mean by that is, although I personally know a few married couples where both partners were virgins on their wedding night, as life would have it, the common thread of every couple I've personally worked with is, they had sex prior to saying "I do". About 80 percent of those who did say that sex after marriage isn't quite what they expected it to be, mostly when it comes to frequency and creativity.
Apparently, my clients are not alone. I say that because, a couple of years ago, Cosmo conducted a survey on how the sex lives of women ages 20-29 changed once they were married. As single women, many of them were having sex no less than 2-3 times a week. After marriage, they were lucky if they got it in once a week. That isn't bad, but 42 percent of women (and shocking, I know, 62 percent of men) still wish they were having sex more often.
So, why is there such a difference between sex before marriage and coitus after it?
That's a podcast series all on its own, but one of the main things is, single sex sets you up to have a pretty idealistic view of sex. You plan entire nights around it. You make sure you're looking, feeling, and (hopefully) smelling your best at all times. You don't want you or your partner to get bored, so you're always looking for ways to make sex fun and exciting.
Then you get married and assume that you'll be getting the 2.0 version of this kind of action. But then life gets in the way — bills, hectic schedules, arguments, fatigue, kids. Although Saturday nights used to be about finding the most affordable hotel room to try the latest sex position one of your girlfriends read about on Ask Men, now you're lucky if you and yours can get through an entire movie without falling asleep on the couch.
It's not that you don't love your spouse anymore. Sex just isn't as much of a priority as it used to be.
The problem with that is, it's supposed to be. Sex is supposed to be one of the main things that makes marriage different from all other types of relationships. If it's missing, think about it — in many ways, what makes your relationship with your spouse any different than the one you have with your bestie or roommate?
So, what's the remedy to gettin' it in more consistently? Some say it's maintenance sex. What the heck is that? In a nutshell, it's the kind of sex that you plan to have; not just plan but execute. Even if it has to be a quickie or neither of you are exactly in the sexiest kind of mood at the time, you put it on your schedule.
Already that doesn't sound the most erotic or appealing, does it? I get that but here's the thing. Out of all of the couples I've worked with, no matter why they initially came to see me, something that was lacking was the amount of sex they were having. The bedroom issues ranged from their partner being selfish in bed to one of them being too pissed with their spouse to even want to have sex. And the less they had it, the further apart they became.
While single sex makes you treat sex as a fun activity, some married people see sex as some sort of reward. That way of thinking only damages their relationship and sex life over time because, in many ways, sex is a type of glue that helps to keep a couple together.
That's because there is bonafide scientific evidence to support that sex brings two people closer. And you know what? Their bodies and the oxytocin that their bodies produce couldn't care less who didn't pay the cable bill on time or who argued with their mother-in-law.
When kisses, cuddling, foreplay, and intercourse happen, it establishes (or reaffirms) the bond that two people share.
This is why maintenance sex is currently so popular (just Google it and see how many links you find). It's not so much about trying to create the best sex experience ever (although going into the act with that frame of mind never hurts) so much as it's about making sure that you and yours make a sexual connection in order to keep your mental and emotional ones intact.
If after reading all of this, you're still like, "If I can't have an hour of mind-blowing sex every time I do it, I'd rather not have it at all", in the wise words of Dr. Phil, "How is that working for ya?" Beyond just you, how is that frame of mind working for your partner and your marriage overall?
Look, no one is saying (or even encouraging) that you have to engage in maintenance sex all of the time. I'm just saying that just like you might not be totally in love with every meal that you eat or you don't always want to go to the gym, you do these things because you know that eating well and working out are necessary for your overall health and longevity. The same thing goes for sex and how it benefits your marriage.
When you were single, having sex was optional. Now that you're married, it's a staple in your relationship. Even when it's not the kind that has you climbing the walls, trust that the time and effort you're making, along with the oxytocin that's being produced, is doing wonders for your marriage.
A good marriage consists of consistent maintenance — both in and out of the bedroom. Love yourself, your spouse, and your relationship enough to fit in a little maintenance sex every once in a while. It's better than no sex at all. Believe that.
Featured Image by Getty Images.
Related Articles:
What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex – Read More
10 Sex Resolutions Every Married Couple Should Make – Read More
Married Couples: These 6 DIY Recipes Will Take Your Sex Life To The Next Level – Read More
5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar – Read More
- Marriages Need Maintenance - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 7 Things Successful Marriages Need - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Amy Poehler's Honest Relationship Advice: Maintenance Sex is OK ... ›
- Do couples really need to have 'maintenance sex'? ›
- How to Have Maintenance Sex ›
- What Is Maintenance Sex—and Should You Be Having It? - Health ›
- How to Repair a Sexless Marriage, According to Sex Therapists ... ›
- The Myth of Maintenance Sex | HuffPost ›
- Why Maintenance Sex Is So Important in Happy Marriages | Brides ›
- What is maintenance sex? It may help strengthen your marriage ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy