I'm No Longer Dating Boys...I Only Date Myself
If I was graded on the subject of dating and relationships as it pertains to my love life, I'd surely receive an F.
But at least I'd get a “B+" for the freedom of keeping that information private. I can't imagine having to live and relive my relationship woes under public scrutiny like celebrities such as Halle Berry does.
She has had a few aha! moments regarding her marriages and has spoke on them:
“I looked at the part that I played and looked at the part the men I had married played. I had chosen boys. I wanted to do grown up things, but I was not with a grown up."
[Tweet "I wanted to do grown up things, but the men I married were not grown up."]
Although she accepts some of the blame, these internet streets still insist that since she's the common denominator, she must be the sole problem. In fact with her beauty and her perceived ability to snag any man she wants, she must be unstable and crazy.
Perhaps they forgot to add “in love."
Halle and Gabrielle
I'm compelled to remind them that plain ol' crazy is rather a harsh word, not to mention beauty doesn't exempt anyone from heartbreak, and Halle isn't the only one who's been repeatedly unlucky in romance. As a grown woman, I also encountered my fair share of “boys," and while I didn't marry any of them, I did live with one.
I don't even know how dude was approved for that modern apartment or his BMW especially since he didn't have the resources to maintain either one. He claimed to be a chef for an Italian chain, but I soon discovered that his cooking skills could've used some spice from the Culinary Institute of America. And the random paycheck stub I found only proved that he was indeed the dude who sprinkled parsley sprigs on the plates right before they were served to customers. Or at least that's what I caught him doing one evening when I went to pick up my order. And not that anything was wrong with his job, of course, because he did have one, but he had a bad habit of compulsively lying and living beyond his salary.
On weekends he could easily treat our friends to bottles of top shelf liquor, but on Mondays he couldn't even afford a gallon of regular gas for his foreign ride. But one particular Saturday night still remains vivid in my mind.
I had gone to bed while a few friends lingered after a get-together we'd hosted that evening. (Rude I know, but for me the party was over.) I awoke to a commotion – yelling and progressing footsteps – outside. I jumped out of bed and headed to the living room to see a bloody and bruised guest, and I witnessed this fool throw a blow to his guest's face. When he saw me, he acted like the ish was normal! I, on the other hand, was stunned.
“Get the gun!" he yelled.
The what?!
“And rope!" he continued. “He's going around telling people where I lay my head."
Fortunately for me and his friend, there was no gun. But unfortunately for the chef, I was out. It wasn't the life I had envisioned or even considered. This was not a man. He wanted to lead a “bad boy" lifestyle at 26 –mimicking Romello from Sugar Hill, albeit a poor one – while at 22, I strived to be a functioning post-collegiate adult who'd build with an actual grownup. I had no room in my budget – or kids for that matter – for weekly allowances or tolerance in my life for his real life boxing matches, so I made a speedy exit after a few months of moving in.
Yet I found myself in an eerily familiar place with the next guy but minus the wannabe baller and gangster mentality. However, he still wasn't “on my level," as my dear friends worded it. I was ambitious, spontaneous, and adventurous, and I remember excitedly telling him how I had just established an event-planning business since I was the go-to person for coordinating parties anyway. The best supportive answer he could muster was “Oh. Babysitting is a good business, too."
But I quickly remembered I was talking to someone who was sporadically unemployed because “the white man" didn't want him to get ahead, and he was also unreliable and stagnant with no goals other than daily drinking with the fellas. We were a definite mismatch, and so once again I was on to the next.
After my third consecutive relationship attempt and fail, I seriously questioned not only why did I keep attracting similar men, but also why did I keep entertaining them? My initial sentiments mirrored Halle's.
I thought, 'I can't get it right.' I was feeling heavy-hearted, embarrassed and ashamed. I thought, 'Surely it's my fault. I need help. This is not where I want to be. I should be somebody's wife.' I wanted to be a wife and mother.
Indeed I was embarrassed, too. There I was a college graduate with so much drive and promise yet I chased and accepted mediocrity when it came to men. I outright ignored girl-friendly advice and red flags because I was always too quick to jump right in and then found myself too ashamed to admit, “Ahh, I effed up with this one, too." Instead I'd respond, “I got this!" But I didn't.
In retrospect, I was caught up in the idea of being in a relationship. I wanted the superficial – an actual plus one on wedding invitations and couple's trips, and I wanted the general – a partnership, the intimacy, and eventually a family. And while I don't necessarily seek a provider, per se, I would like a protector as Halle mentioned: someone to “take care of us and serve us." But I was vague on the particulars that I wanted in the man such as formally-educated, well-traveled, respectful, and humorous because I thought that would land me in Build-a-Bear mode. However it was an older, married coworker-friend who told me that as women, we should always have a list of desired qualities and non-negotiables.
[Tweet "As women, we should always have a list of desired qualities and non-negotiables."]
One of my cousins has since said, “You're too picky," as if I prayed for tall, dark, and handsome, too, and admittedly I didn't want to be the type of person who dismissed another human because he doesn't fit a certain standard. But I've learned there's nothing wrong with being selective about the person with whom I want to be intimate and personal. There's someone for everybody, but not everyone is made for everybody.
I'm not vulnerable to the pressures to coupling up because everyone else already has or because I'm steadily getting older, either. I'm also immune to the third-wheel stigma. Sure I'll hang out if I'm interested, but I'm also down to roll solo because I've embarked on a different type of relationship, anyway – one that I'm building with myself. And one that will only attract and see an equally-yoked match.
My decision isn't predicated on some idea that I'm afraid of love, as some folks have alluded, but on the fact that I'm preparing for that sparkly, glittering, dynamite love through self-care, self-love, and self-reflection. I've taken some me time to do things that I enjoy, fulfilling needs the last ones couldn't supply, because the next man who comes along will only be an enhancement to an already enriched life and not a proverbial completion, detraction, or just another fail.
I write about lifestyle and women's health and wellness. When I'm not in front of a computer screen crafting stories, I'm in a kitchen crafting cocktails. Follow me on the 'gram @teronda.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Between the rise of the creator economy and the gig economy, the window of opportunity to leverage your creativity for long-term gain has never been more potent.
For the last four years, I’ve worked as a full-time freelance writer and content creator. A year into this journey, I knew that if I wanted to create a sense of structure around my life outside of a traditional 9-5, I would have to create it.
To my surprise, that came in the form of social media.
Now, you might be wondering how someone might be able to juggle their work in a creatively-dominant career like writing while still having the mental capacity to produce ideas for their own personal brand, and well, that answer didn’t come easily.
In 2021, I hit a wall with writing and content creation.
With the stress and uncertainty that came as a result of the pandemic, to being burned out from having to live off my creativity, I reached a breaking point. For me, writing was always a space to explore my thoughts, process heavy topics, and express concepts that only words could bring reason to. However, when I didn’t have the brainpower to write or create content, I knew it was time to set parameters around my hobby of content creation and my passion for storytelling.
In this case, the biggest challenge was finding the balance between the two by releasing the guilt and shame of taking a break from both in order to reconnect with them.
Through years of trial and error, the fog finally cleared, and I was able to hit my stride in 2023. From garnering over 10K followers on TikTok, building an Instagram community around lifestyle and creative encouragement, along with my wellness collective, Black Girl Playground, and writing for xoNecole as a lifestyle contributor, the creative juices have been flowing steadily.
And it all happened by creating a strategy that allowed space for planning, resting, and creating. Today, I’ll be sharing my top tips to help you find your balance between your side hustle and passions.
On staying inspired and motivated when working on various content creation and freelancing projects:
Early this year, I came to the bright conclusion that I needed to shorten the gap between ideation and execution — and it completely changed how I create.
Oftentimes, when we have an idea come to us, we let it sit for too long, and then before we know it, we’ve either lost the enthusiasm to put it into action, or someone else grabs it. If you want to stay in a flow of creativity, whether side projects or full-time work, it’s important to not get slowed down by self-doubt, procrastination, or perfectionism.
Give yourself permission to act on your ideas as they come to you. Even if they’re a little muddy or not “perfect,” you can always fine-tune them later.
@yagirlaley shrinking the gap between [ideation] + [execution] 🧠💡#fyp #creativeadvice
On the importance of choosing a niche:
If there’s one thing that has helped me balance my work as a writer and content creator, it’s putting each in its own niche (or category). By definition, a niche is a specialized segment of the market or a specific area of expertise.
When you are creating in the same niche that you’re also making a living in, that’s an easy way to get your wires crossed. And at times, this could lead to feeling as if you don’t have any ideas for yourself because you’ve given them to the other area you're juggling.
When balancing two, you want to have enough fresh ideas to give to your personal projects and your full-time work to avoid any overlap. This ensures that your personal creative vision isn’t compromised when working on client projects while still having some for yourself.
On the strategies that have helped to maintain a consistent workflow in both areas:
I can’t stress enough how important it is to create a workflow and structure for yourself as a freelancer — this applies to those with a 9-5 in the day and a 5-9 at night, too.
As someone who admittedly has ADHD tendencies, object permanence can sometimes create a block in time and project management. That’s why I encourage creatives and professionals to create systems that allow you to see the work that’s ahead of you.
Personally, I can’t live without having multiple calendars going at once. My Google calendar keeps track of interviews for articles and events, while my physical calendar helps me keep track of important dates. I also work out of an Excel sheet where I can log in ongoing stories and track their status from drafting to submission. I’ve also heard great things about the Notion app for planning and tracking.
When it comes to creating content, spending time doing bulk content days has been an asset to my creative workflow. When I complete the videos, I save them to my drafts and upload them as needed.
Credit: Amberita
Courtesy of the writer
On the best advice for someone who is considering pursuing both content creation and freelancing simultaneously:
Don’t be ashamed of taking a break and resting — because both are essential to the life of a creative. Last month, I returned to Instagram after taking 6 months off from posting. During that time, I worked on growing my TikTok page, using the platform to practice vulnerability and allowing myself to put the fun back into creating content. Without the time, I can’t say I’d be able to approach Instagram with the same ease and playfulness; but thanks to that time away, it was possible.
Resting, letting our minds wander, or simply doing nothing are all just as productive as creating. No one can produce at all times, we have to allow ourselves the space for new concepts and ideas to flow to us. In addition to that, when we take breaks from social media, it allows us to stop the wheel of comparison and consume more than we create. So if you feel like you’re in a creative rut with all you want to balance, it may be time to take a step back, unapologetically.
Your creativity will thank you for it.
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Featured image by Sir Taylor