Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are “Inconvenient”
The day after New Year's Day, I received an email from a friend of mine. It contained a picture of a woman and a couple of sentences including, "Just heard from her yesterday. I'm trying to wrap my head around this. It was tragic. I don't feel like talking right now. Maybe later."
Very long story short, the day before, she received a "Happy New Year" text from a very dear friend of hers right before 1pm. By 4pm, that same friend became the victim of a murder-suicide at the hands of her husband.
Unless you've experienced someone close to you (who lives in another state or country) dying unexpectedly before, you have no idea the kind of stress and strain it can put on you. Not only are you dealing with the shock and immense grief that you're feeling, but a lot of us don't have $1,000+ lying around to buy a last-minute round-trip plane ticket to attend the funeral. Knowing that you might not be able to say goodbye to your loved one? That makes the pain just that much worse. In a nutshell, that's how my friend has been feeling ever since she received the news.
My friend is a giver. No doubt about it. Even though she's married with children and is also a caregiver, she has sat on the phone with me all night during a devastating heartbreak. She's sent money to help cover an unexpected bill. She makes sure to acknowledge the special days in my life. And so, as she was talking to me about how much she wanted to attend her friend's send-off, I was trying to figure out how to financially assist her. Not because I just have money lying around (not at all); it's because she's my friend. Simple as that. I told her that I had a couple hundred dollars waiting for her if she needed it; all she had to do was let me know.
Again, not because I exactly had it, but because she's my friend.
Literally, just a few days before the funeral, I got an email from her right around midnight. Although it's always been hard for her to ask for anything, she indeed did need the cash. While she was talking about how she could understand if I couldn't help, I sent $200 through Cash app. It was as good as done. How it would affect me, I'd figure that out later. This was more important.
As she then went on to say that if she could find a way to pay me back because she knew I had some travel plans myself, I told her how offended I was by that.
"You got me. I got you. Friendships are sometimes inconvenient."
And you know what, y'all? They are.
It took me a significant amount of time, a ton of money, and a lot of hurt feelings to come to the conclusion of what I'm about to say, but listen — if your friends are only available when it's convenient for them, if you can't recall the last time they made a true sacrifice on your behalf, if your friends aren't the kind of people who you can call at 3 AM or will come and get you off the side of the road when you get a flat (even if it means that it's during their lunch hour) without a lot of hemming and hawing — love yourself enough to get some new ones.
Here's why I say that. Life coach Tony Robbins once said, "Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something — they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take."
If there was a quote that properly described my journey towards defining what true friendship is, this would be on my Top 5 list. Only, my struggle hasn't been that I don't give enough. My struggle has been finding people who are willing to give in return.
This article isn't about the PTSD that comes from an abusive childhood and how that can often set the tone for how you relate to others as an adult. However, I will say that due to so much upheaval in my own household, I realize that whether a home is healthy or not, a part of what a child does is try and make others feel loved (innocence does that); even when they aren't getting the love that they deserve in return. If an abused child grows up without healing from the imbalance and toxicity of what transpired (which sometimes requires therapy) they — or in this case, "we" — become codependent.
Yeah, I know that's a word that tends to be tossed around a lot, so if you're thinking to yourself, "What exactly does codependent mean?", Mental Health America provides a pretty spot-on definition:
"It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as 'relationship addiction' because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive."
Rinse and repeat. When you are codependent, you tend to form or maintain one-sided relationships. You think that it's normal to be the one giving and doing most of the work. But the word "relationship" is a dead giveaway that it's not. For a relationship to be functional rather than dysfunctional, two people need to relate to one another. They need to be connected and bonded. They need to be able to trust and rely on each other — not just when it's comfortable but also when it's inconvenient.
Yeah, I know. This way of thinking can be so foreign that it might take a while to let it really sink in. But ask a couple who's been married 20 years about how many times they were "inconvenienced" in order to make their union work. Ask a single mother how many times she's been "inconvenienced" in order for her children's needs to be met.
The commonality in both scenarios is when you really and truly love someone, you'll do all that you can — sometimes if that means moving heaven and Earth by doing what is challenging or difficult — in order to hold them down. When the relationship is healthy, you don't give doing it a second thought; you already know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that they'd do the same for you. That's how much you both value the relationship.
No one said that love or friendship was easy. Sometimes it's totally inconvenient.
But if you and your friends accept that as a part of your relationships' reality, count yourself lucky. No, blessed.
Inconvenient friendships are some of the very best ones on planet earth. You'd better believe it.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images