Life After A Restrictive Religious Upbringing: Millennial Women Discuss Finding Their Own Truth
Growing up as a Jehovah's Witness, I'm no stranger to the struggle of breaking free from a religion I had no choice in being apart of or not. It's a very traumatic experience to give up all you have ever known and risk your whole circle of family and friends to discover a connection to truth that resonates with your soul. The journey to personal freedom is filled with fear, guilt, and self-doubt, still, I would not trade my freedom, sanity, and independence that came from walking away from the only life I knew for 20 years.
This piece will reveal the stories of two other millennial women who had the courage, and strength to walk away from their own oppressive upbringings.
Reagan, @reagan_barclay
Reagan is a new mom of a 7-month-old baby, navigating life in the "outside world."
Her Upbringing:
I was raised as a Jehovah's Witnesses. I remember no holidays, no birthdays, and I could only hang out with Jehovah's Witnesses. I couldn't stand for the flag, and we were not allowed to go to the military. No smoking. You could date and marry outside of the religion, but they frowned on it.
I remember being little, around five or six, sitting in the Kingdom Hall thinking "something's not right." I would Google Jehovah's Witnesses, and I would see words like "cult" and "sex abuse." I would ask my Granddad, "What's a cult?" and he would say, "Get off that. Turn that off." I remember being young, sitting on his lap one time to ask him, "Granddad, will you always love me?" And he replied, "Long as you love Jehovah."
I loved my family, but I dreaded being a Witness. I hated the hall. I hated service, I hated conventions, I hated family worship, I hated it ALL - but I didn't have a choice. I was a child, and my father was absent. Even if he was around, they sure as hell weren't going to let me go live with him. I remember my mom getting disfellowshipped. She would cry to me about how my family would treat her, and I remember crying to my cousin about how poorly they treated her, and talked bad on her every time the family was together... and the family was always together!
I remember getting abused at a young age, not by anyone in the congregation, but the way my situation was handled. I knew something was wrong. It was very hush mouth yet, I thought they were there to comfort me, however, I had to self-cope with that. I never stopped thinking about how I didn't want to be a Jehovah's Witness, but seeing how my mom and family members were treated, I thought if I get baptised, "I'll never get disfellowshipped because I'm too scared to lose my family."
Her Transition:
I was reproved multiple times (which means being privately reprimanded by Jehovah's Witness Elders and being warned of disfellowshipment) and I remember being talked down on afterwards. I remember falling into depression and wanting to kill myself, and I would get told I just wanted attention. "You're not really going to kill yourself," they would say.
They were partially right. I wanted both. I remember going to a mental institution, and no one from the hall came to see me, and none of my friends came to see me. The only people who showed up were my mom and grandparents.
I went home eventually, and started drinking, having sex, popping pills, etc. I didn't give a f-ck!
As time went by, I told myself I had to get it together, because if I kept messing up, I wouldn't be able to have my family. So I got it together and I got my privileges back (which means to be an active member of the congregation), and I remember going to live back with my mom. She wasn't very active at the time, and I don't even think she was going to the kingdom hall.
I was making an effort my own, then somewhere down the line she got back in the congregation, and I honestly think it was because of me. I was putting on a good show. I was being a good hypocrite. Eventually, I think my mom kind of gave up on me because I actually did what I wanted.
I went back to sex, weed, and pills.
I partied continuously as I worked and went to high school. I already had a graduation party, and I accepted a full ride to a university. I knew I wasn't going to stay there forever, but it was a way out. I went off to school and I talked to them maybe twice. I talked to my mom off and on, but she was still trying to convince me to go to the hall and telling me how to live my life. I decided to cut her off because I knew there was a chance of me going back if I continued a relationship with her.
Going to college gave me a place to stay for a few months before I quit after the first semester. I knew I couldn't go home so I asked my friend if I could stay with her, which lasted for six months. That was two years ago, and here I am now.
The After Effects:
The consequences of leaving the organization is obviously the fact that I don't have my family, and I have been completely on my own. After leaving, I felt like I was finally free, but I was so used to living as a Jehovah's Witnesses, and had lived their way of life for so many years, that I had a lot of fear surrounding what living is like in the "outside world."
But I survived without them.
Seven months ago, I had my son, and I'm currently battling with the fact of whether or not I should let my son be a part of their lives. I fear my son being around them because I know their love is not real. The only reason I do let him go around them at all is because it feels like the right thing to do, and I'm learning to forgive those who have hurt me, and do the right thing regardless.
The Outcome:
Since I've left the organization, I've learned what REAL love is. Love is unconditional, and its silly to shun your own family member over a religious belief. On the upside, I feel great! I have a family, and I have friends who love me genuinely for me. Not because of my religion. I'm still finding myself. I'm still in the process of healing, and I have a long way to go, but for the first time in my life I'm truly happy! I might not have much in the other people's eyes, but to me, I have everything to be grateful for, including my past.
I feel like being raised a JW, had a negative impact on my life but I don't hate them. However, I do keep them at a distance. I was honestly even scared to write a testimony for this article because of the fear of what my family would think of me, but I've learned that the truth isn't always pretty."
Hana, @weirdnesss
Hana is of mixed ethnicity, and grew up living a double life religiously and culturally in a tumultuous upbringing. Read more about her dynamic experience in her written blog for "Embracing Ugly."
Her Upbringing:
I was born in Miami but raised in Kuwait. My father is a Muslim from Kuwait, with a large religious family still arranging marriages and insisting on the Hijab at puberty. My family members do not cover their faces but to the rest of the world they may seem semi-National Geographic-ish.
My mother is a Catholic from Colombia. She went to Catholic school and came from a family where the men were breadwinners and women were traditional homemakers with very strong opinions. My siblings and I were raised with Islam and Catholicism. I had to learn how to live a double life very early on. I wasn't allowed to play with boys once I hit adolescence.
I wasn't allowed to wear certain clothes, laugh without reason, or question religion.
I will never forget the day my dad told me I couldn't play soccer with him anymore. I was getting older and there were no other girls on the field. As an 8-year-old, I didn't understand why my brothers could join in and I couldn't, even though I knew being a girl had a different set of rules.
Her Transition:
My family and I survived the Gulf War in 1990. We were able to escape through the desert and make it to Miami where my mom's family was, only to be hit by Hurricane Andrew.
After so much destruction, we went back to Kuwait where I grew up until I was 15. There was so much trauma and dysfunction that was spread throughout the generations. At the time, I didn't understand that, and as I grew older, I was able to understand everyone was just as lost as the children were. I started really questioning the idea of God around middle school. I couldn't understand how both my parents' perception of God, though strong and convicting, wasn't enough to protect my family throughout the catastrophes we had experienced.
In Kuwait, I was in religion class because it's mandatory, and I remember asking reasonable questions and being kicked out of class. In my mind, as a rebellious mixed angry child, I couldn't understand why no one had straight answers for me, if God had been so perfect. The inability to answer my questions was a familiar response on both sides.
I had experienced some troubling times and I remember being so young, lost, and desperate to find divinity, that I figured going back to what I knew would help. I went to a Catholic retreat and was honest about not being fully onboard with Jesus being God, and I asked for a prayer and the priest said he couldn't bless me.
At that point, I knew that path wasn't for me.
The After Effects:
I think one of the hardest parts about this whole process has been having to ask my parents to respect my beliefs, even if they don't agree with them. There has actually been a lot of freedom and growth in my relationships with my parents since I've gotten passed the fears of being transparent with them.
I've battled mental health issues since childhood. I know that my life is contingent upon my spiritual condition.
My life depended on me exploring spirituality beyond the limits set in my childhood. The more I heal, the more I've also been able to appreciate the religion both of my parents gave me. I've spent many years volunteering in different avenues, and the one thing I try to show people is how to find God for themselves. It irks my nerves that divinity has been hijacked by fundamentalists of ALL backgrounds.
It's such a shame to see so many young people lost and without guidance, or even the willingness to explore, because of the fear behind the idea of God that we've been conditioned to believe exists.
Since having told my parents I needed my own space to explore God, I have tried mediums, pilgrimages, past life regressions, card readers, acupuncture, retreats, praying, crystals, nature, animals…so many things! When I've traveled, I've gone to hindu temples, mosques, and churches, I would give anything to share that energy with the world around me, to show people it's all the same!
It was beautiful to have tangible proof that God is universal, all loving, and all powerful.
I've been faced with a lot of ignorance throughout my journey to God and I've learned to respect people where they are at. It's not my job or anyone else's to convert or convince anyone. My very existence, and the miracle that is my very existence, is proof in itself. I live a life that is righteous to my moral compass according to the God that I have come to know along the way- and I have to be about it, not talk about it.
The Outcome:
Today, I am a woman who is well-rounded and respecting of so many walks of life because I understand that our relationship with God (as we understand him/her/it) is so deeply personal and beautiful.
What I have with God today is because I had so many women along the way guide me and challenge me to explore beyond my childhood ideas and my parents' ideologies, and I am forever humbled by the gracious gift these women gave me.
I would tell someone going through the same experience to question everything. Read, pray, talk to people, go to workshops of new faiths, there are online groups too if you're unable to explore in person.
Figure out where your heart feels at home.
Do these words you're reciting resonate with your soul? Does this ceremony feel like your soul is being hugged super tight? There is no right or wrong in this process, except honoring your truth along the way. It's ok if there are changes, like all relationships and growth, changes happen. You can deal, so long as you put your truth first.
I hope you find yourself and all the glory that is you exactly as you are along the way. Life is so much more manageable when you are able to embrace your ancestors, your guardian angels, and God along the way.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Fontaine Felisha Foxworth is a writer and creative entrepreneur from Brooklyn New York. She is currently on the West Coast working on creating a TV Pilot called "Finding Fontaine", that details the nomadic journey of her life so far. Keep up with her shenanigans @famoustaine on IG.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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