Let’s Settle This "Black Women Don’t Get Married" Thing Once & For All
Black women have a harder time getting married than anyone else. Chile. How many times have we all heard that?
Listen, it's not like I don't see the clickbait. There are studies from highly respected sources that say divorce rates are higher for Black women than white ones and we "also have relatively high rates of marital instability." To that I say, "define instability" because stats reveal that whites and Blacks divorce at about the same rate (it's Hispanics and Asians who remain married the most; Native Americans who get divorced the most).
All of this is solid data. It's also only one side of the coin. In "The Top 4 Myths About Black Marriage," it was cited that the ever-so-popular statistic, "42 percent of Black women never marry" actually includes women who are as young as 18 years of age (people who are barely adults). If you remove the teenagers from this, the percentages drop significantly.
How often do you hear this kind of information shared about Black women and marriage?
Research also revealed that according to 2005-2009 census data, a whopping 75 percent of Black women actually DO get married before they turn 35. Also, Black women in small towns have higher marriage rates than white women who live in urban cities like New York and Los Angeles. This article also states that 70 percent of college-educated Black women are married by the age of 40.
Is it just me or is the takeaway from this info that it's not that Black women aren't getting married; it's that they are getting married later in life — once we are more established, settled, and know exactly what we want — and don't want, in a relationship or otherwise.
Personally, I think this all proves that if we're not getting married as often or quickly as the media thinks that we should (and who cares what they think?!), it's because we're more pro-healthy relationships than undesirable when it comes to saying, "I do."
On behalf of us all, I believe this is why we're OK with not rushing (or even having to) jump a broom.
We Respect Marriage.
I don't know why this isn't brought up more, but there is an overwhelming amount of Black women who find marriage to be so serious and sacred that they don't want to do it until they can truly honor it. That requires being holistically healthy, finding the right complement in a partner, and making sure we — and our partner — are emotionally and spiritually mature enough to mean "til death parts us."
For the Christians reading this, it's kind of like in Matthew 19, when Christ broke down the expectations of marriage and the disciples said (paraphrased and modernized), "Man. If marriage takes all that, I'm good. I'll stay single."
Exactly. Some of us aren't married because until we're sure we can take on the awesome weight and responsibility of that kind of union, we'd rather leave it alone. We should be respected for thinking that highly of marriage.
We Love Singleness.
What is the problem with singleness? Goodness. If you've read more than a couple of my articles on here, you know that I'm all for cracking open a dictionary on the regular. That said, yes, singleness does mean "not in a romantic relationship" and "in an unmarried state". You know what else it means? Unique, sincere, and undivided. Some of its synonyms include particular, special, exclusive, exceptional, rare, peerless, uncommon and unrivaled. I don't know about you, but those sound like words that need to go on somebody's T-shirt line to me!
Did I think I would be 45-in-June and still single? Absolutely not. Especially not 20 years ago. But you know what? The more time I spend counseling couples, working on and celebrating myself and enjoying my seasons as they come, and the more I watch folks try and heal from broken marriages, chile…I'm good. Better than that.
I like being exclusive, rare, and undivided. I like knowing that I love men but I'm not needy for them. I like knowing that marriage should be seen as a blessing but not some mandated life goal. And, I really like resting in the fact that if I ever do get married, it will be because it will add to my life — not fill some void.
We Refuse to Settle.
Another informative read is "High-Achieving Black Women and Marriage: Not Choosing or Not Chosen?" It was the subtitle that really caught my attention — "Black SWANS (Strong Women Achievers, No Spouse)".
Some things that the author cited is, "There are 157 Black women for every 100 Black men while there are approximately 450 white men for every 100 white women in [the $100,000 annual income] bracket!" and "If we just count people with master's and doctoral degrees, there are 209 black women for every hundred men versus 133 white women, 101 Asian women and 173 Latinas for every hundred of those men".
Hmm. If a Black woman invested time in order to create a life where she earned multiple degrees and a six-figure salary and then decided that she wanted a partner who did the same, what's wrong with that? I'll answer for you — absolutely nothing.
As for me — a woman who doesn't fall into either category — what am I waiting on? First, I'm not waiting. I'm living my life. Second, something that I know how to do is love. I LOVE BIG too. Whenever someone asks me why I'm still single, I simply say, "Until a man can love me the way I know I love, I'm cool." When you love yourself big, you're not only able to say things like that, you're able to mean it.
Why love yourself in a healthy way and then settle for someone who won't do the same? Yeah, what the media also doesn't speak on enough is most of us are single by choice versus circumstance.
And our choice is to not settle. Point, blank, and period.
We’re in No Rush.
The women I know who desire children (and want to be married when they have them), once they hit their mid-30s, my heart does go out to them (although women are having healthy children well into their 40s and even 50s these days). I'd venture to say that most people who are already parents would still warn against getting married just so you can have kids. That's too much pressure to put on yourself or your unborn children.
But overall, most of the single Black women I know who do want to get married someday are in no rush. They're too focused on getting degrees, starting businesses, traveling the world — doing what my mother advises to single people: "Do everything you can't compromise before getting married because marriage is all about compromise."
When your life is full of goals, plans, and adventures, you're too excited about what's already on your to-do list to be worrying about whether or not a husband is in your future. I mean, you're literally so busy that the thought doesn't have room to cross your mind as nearly as much as your mom or aunt wants it to.
So, can everyone finally stop trying to freak us Black women out about marriage?
Marriage is dope. So is singleness. When we're ready to jump a broom, you can rest assure that it will be because it will make the life we already have that much bigger — and that's some really big shoes to fill!
Until then, don't let the click bait fool you.
Trust us when we say we're doing just fine. Because we are.
All the definitions of single confirm and affirm it.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Another season of Love Is Blind has come to a close, and almost two months later we’re still unpacking the drama that is Clay and AD. The finale, reunion, and post-interviews with Clay and AD after season six of Love Is Blind left millions of people wondering - why couldn’t AD see the signs? Clay told her he had a fear of marriage, his parents experienced infidelity, and he seemed to have many doubts about saying, "I do."
After changing his mind at the altar and hearing AD question why she feels like she’s never enough, I was finished watching. I didn’t need to hear anything else because, at that moment, I realized this wasn’t about Clay; this was about AD feeling inadequate before she ever met Clay.
If I’m honest, I don’t watch much dating television. TikTok keeps me updated with the clips that I need to see in order to be kept in the loop, but it’s difficult for me to watch an entire season of dating TV because seeing Black women settle for less and questioning their beauty is a trigger for me. In many ways, there were points in my life where I was AD, settling and ignoring red flags because I wanted to be loved.
Now, on the other side, it doesn’t feel good to see Black women lower their standards on national television. There have been many hot takes on this couple and who was in the wrong. Did Clay play in AD’s face or did she not listen to the truth of what he told her from day one? Was his reason for joining the show to promote his business and not to find the one?
We’ll never know the truth, but what we can do is learn tactics to better our self-worth. Founder and CEO of The Self Love Organization Denise Francis shared her expertise with xoNecole on what tangible steps to take to improve feelings of worthiness. “Self-love blooms in a garden where self-worth is planted, nourished, and whole. However, when your self-worth is challenged, displaced, or broken, it could be difficult to rebuild," Denise explains.
How To Rebuild Self-Worth
During her self-love coaching sessions, Denise likes to walk her clients through the cornerstones of rebuilding self-worth: grace and self-compassion. To her, self-worth is never lost, it's only displaced, so practicing self-compassion and giving yourself grace is a must. "We tend to place our self-worth in entities and people of ourselves such as relationship status, physical appearance, material possessions, social media followings, what others think of us, and more. Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth.
"Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth."
"When we place our value into people or things, we tend to feel that we are not enough, worth it, special, or important when relationship status, job titles, friendships, and physical appearances are lost or changed. We then tend to feel lost within ourselves because we’ve placed our value outside of ourselves. Using grace and compassion, you can rebuild your self-worth by returning home to who you are at your core," she concludes.
How To Return Home To Yourself
Denise advises taking a step back and using self-reflection through journaling by answering the following journaling prompts:
First, ask yourself, "What do you tend to attach your self-worth to and why?"
Is it your relationships, your job title, your finances, your appearance, etc.? Why do you think you place so much emphasis on external status? How does it make you feel when you are defining yourself through these entities and/or people outside of yourself?
Then, ask yourself, "Without these things, who am I?"
Once you have your answers, show yourself kindness, remove the shame, and, as Denise says, "Redefine yourself by detaching your value from the things and people you have no control over and no longer serve you. Challenge yourself to define yourself outside of titles and societal values."
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person. You begin to find value in the way you love instead of your relationship status, your compassion instead of your popularity, your drive instead of your income/job title, and your heart instead of your physical appearance," she adds.
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person."
"Be intentional with healing your self-worth by leaning into the people and things that nourish your core values. Surround yourself with the people who love and cherish you, they will always remind you just how valuable you truly are."
It all goes back to self-compassion and grace. As Denise explains, leading with those two things as you heal and rebuild your self-worth allows you to reduce negative self-talk that might come up for you. "This weakens thoughts like, 'I am not enough... why am I never enough?'" she shares, "And 'I don't deserve this while strengthening thoughts like 'I deserve better,' 'I am enough,' and 'I am worth it.'"
Denise continues, "Once you return home and remember the irreplaceable person you are, you can rebuild your self-worth by placing it back where it belongs. It belongs to you."
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Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images