Jada Pinkett Smith Gives Us The Secret To Healing From Heartbreak
Sometimes the most important messages come when you least expect them. When I came across this recent post by Jada Pinkett Smith, the forever soothsayer of my hidden emotions, I had to stop in my tracks for a moment to digest it. The post threw me all the way back to my own first heartbreak.
We can all admit to having our hearts broken: whether it was our first experience with puppy love, breaking up with a long-time partner, or even growing apart from a close friend or family member. Heartbreak hurts and it's real. For me, my heart truly "broke" for the first time in college. It began as a whirlwind of emotions.
He was the person I always imagined would become a part of my future until he quickly and painfully became a part of my past.
At that age, I didn't really have the capacity to process what was happening. I was in the midst of living in an entirely new part of the country, learning how to survive on my own, and trying to make new friends all while finding a way to be a successful student, varsity cheerleader, and an active member of all of the extracurricular activities at the same time. I remember feeling overwhelmed and destroyed.
No one ever taught me how I would feel when my expectations were met with disappointment. No one told me how much it would hurt to have to maintain my composure when all I wanted to do was stay in my dorm room and cry. And, certainly, no one could have prepared me for the years it took for me to truly move past the hurt, regain my self-esteem, and move forward in a productive and healthy way.
Everyone's first experience with heartbreak is different, but one thing that we all have in common is that there is real pain involved.
As with any type of trauma, we may develop coping mechanisms, ways to avoid the pain, and even, at times, we miss the mark in healing our own hearts. When Jada Pinkett Smith recently took to Instagram, she gave us the game that many of us need.
The actress revealed that her first heartbreak was from her own father and that it wasn't until she developed a relationship with a higher power that she was truly able to begin to heal from it.
"For me, my first heartbreak was from my father at 7 years old, and then many people and circumstances on top of that disappointed me and broke my heart. And it wasn't until I developed a really strong relationship with a higher power that my brokenness and my heartbreak could be healed. But it also made me realize that people don't break my heart. It's my false beliefs around love and my unrealistic expectations of people that break my heart."
Jada reiterated one of the best pieces of advice I've ever received along my journey in love and relationships. When you keep your heart open but your expectations in check, you realize that you can't control what others say or do, but you can control your reactions to them.
By keeping expectations at bay, you realize that others will never be responsible for your reactions: you, and only you, control how you feel and what you think.
Before I knew this, I was definitely guilty of using others to try and fill the cracks in my heart. It's easy to focus on what feels like a new love or new connection and then forget that you still have some work to do on yourself before you bring another love into the picture. For me, because I wasn't fully healed, I wasn't able to allow myself to fully open myself up to the next person, and, in turn, the connection faded because there was no foundation to start with. To Jada, this is another product of our expectations of others. In her caption, she wrote:
"Often times we expect people we love to heal our broken hearts. When we realize our loved ones can't heal our brokenness (for they are broken too) ... we often feel deeply disappointed and/or have feelings of being betrayed even. We can also spend a lot of time punishing people and having deep resentment towards our loved ones for not behaving in a certain manner that makes our wounded hearts feel good ... all day, everyday."
Now that I've been through my own handful of heartbreaks, I've finally had the time to process my part in my own pain as well as any pain I may have caused those around me. But I truly do not believe that I would have been able to start this process without a real effort to start focusing on myself and my spirituality.
God truly began to answer my calls when I was in the depths of my pain. When I asked him "What do You want me to do now?", He guided me through a religious and spiritual experience that included a lot of self-reflection, a lot of tears, prayer and mindfulness, and an overall life evaluation that I don't think would have happened without that call. It forced me to realize that I am responsible for how I feel and no one else could take on that responsibility for me.
In order to lift myself out of any of the pain and despair I might have felt, I had to focus on feeling good rather than looking to someone else to fill those voids.
One of the hardest things to do is admit that we really are in control of how we feel, even if someone else did do things that cause us pain. Jada revealed that she spent a period of time angry with the Higher Power because she felt "entitled to everyone's best behavior and love." The 47-year-old admits that it wasn't until she humbled herself that she realized that she was demanding things from others that she should be demanding of herself. That's when she finally had a breakthrough. She continued:
"When I realized I'm the only one responsible for my pain, even if it's someone else's fault, I was really angry with the Higher Power because 'I' felt entitled to everyone's best behavior and love. When I finally found some humility and got over myself and surrendered to that Power that is far higher than 'I' and do the work to be for myself what I was demanding everyone else to be FOR me ... I was able to find the Kingdom within and every bit of love and healing I had been looking for all along."
Self-work is hard stuff. It doesn't come overnight, and it takes a lot of time, patience, and forgiveness (for ourselves and others) to truly have that breakthrough. I am the first one to tell you that I am a work in progress, but I feel that because I put in the work, I am much better off than I would be had I ignored the pain and continued to blame others for my unhappiness.
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Heartbreaks can be healed, but it's up to us to put in the work and love ourselves first.
In the comments, answer Jada's question: "Can you remember your first heartbreak and how it shaped your life?"
Featured image by Gabriel Olsen/WireImage
Michelle Schmitz is a writer and editor based in Washington, DC originally from Ft Lauderdale, FL. A self-described ambivert, you can find her figuring out ways to read more than her monthly limit of The New York Times, attending concerts, and being a badass, multi-tasking supermom. She also runs her own blog MichelleSasha.com. Keep up with her latest moves on IG: @michellesashawrites and Twitter: @michellesashas
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Another season of Love Is Blind has come to a close, and almost two months later we’re still unpacking the drama that is Clay and AD. The finale, reunion, and post-interviews with Clay and AD after season six of Love Is Blind left millions of people wondering - why couldn’t AD see the signs? Clay told her he had a fear of marriage, his parents experienced infidelity, and he seemed to have many doubts about saying, "I do."
After changing his mind at the altar and hearing AD question why she feels like she’s never enough, I was finished watching. I didn’t need to hear anything else because, at that moment, I realized this wasn’t about Clay; this was about AD feeling inadequate before she ever met Clay.
If I’m honest, I don’t watch much dating television. TikTok keeps me updated with the clips that I need to see in order to be kept in the loop, but it’s difficult for me to watch an entire season of dating TV because seeing Black women settle for less and questioning their beauty is a trigger for me. In many ways, there were points in my life where I was AD, settling and ignoring red flags because I wanted to be loved.
Now, on the other side, it doesn’t feel good to see Black women lower their standards on national television. There have been many hot takes on this couple and who was in the wrong. Did Clay play in AD’s face or did she not listen to the truth of what he told her from day one? Was his reason for joining the show to promote his business and not to find the one?
We’ll never know the truth, but what we can do is learn tactics to better our self-worth. Founder and CEO of The Self Love Organization Denise Francis shared her expertise with xoNecole on what tangible steps to take to improve feelings of worthiness. “Self-love blooms in a garden where self-worth is planted, nourished, and whole. However, when your self-worth is challenged, displaced, or broken, it could be difficult to rebuild," Denise explains.
How To Rebuild Self-Worth
During her self-love coaching sessions, Denise likes to walk her clients through the cornerstones of rebuilding self-worth: grace and self-compassion. To her, self-worth is never lost, it's only displaced, so practicing self-compassion and giving yourself grace is a must. "We tend to place our self-worth in entities and people of ourselves such as relationship status, physical appearance, material possessions, social media followings, what others think of us, and more. Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth.
"Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth."
"When we place our value into people or things, we tend to feel that we are not enough, worth it, special, or important when relationship status, job titles, friendships, and physical appearances are lost or changed. We then tend to feel lost within ourselves because we’ve placed our value outside of ourselves. Using grace and compassion, you can rebuild your self-worth by returning home to who you are at your core," she concludes.
How To Return Home To Yourself
Denise advises taking a step back and using self-reflection through journaling by answering the following journaling prompts:
First, ask yourself, "What do you tend to attach your self-worth to and why?"
Is it your relationships, your job title, your finances, your appearance, etc.? Why do you think you place so much emphasis on external status? How does it make you feel when you are defining yourself through these entities and/or people outside of yourself?
Then, ask yourself, "Without these things, who am I?"
Once you have your answers, show yourself kindness, remove the shame, and, as Denise says, "Redefine yourself by detaching your value from the things and people you have no control over and no longer serve you. Challenge yourself to define yourself outside of titles and societal values."
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person. You begin to find value in the way you love instead of your relationship status, your compassion instead of your popularity, your drive instead of your income/job title, and your heart instead of your physical appearance," she adds.
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person."
"Be intentional with healing your self-worth by leaning into the people and things that nourish your core values. Surround yourself with the people who love and cherish you, they will always remind you just how valuable you truly are."
It all goes back to self-compassion and grace. As Denise explains, leading with those two things as you heal and rebuild your self-worth allows you to reduce negative self-talk that might come up for you. "This weakens thoughts like, 'I am not enough... why am I never enough?'" she shares, "And 'I don't deserve this while strengthening thoughts like 'I deserve better,' 'I am enough,' and 'I am worth it.'"
Denise continues, "Once you return home and remember the irreplaceable person you are, you can rebuild your self-worth by placing it back where it belongs. It belongs to you."
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Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images