Is Scheduled Sex Really Better Than No Sex At All?
For most of my twenties, I've feared several red flags that I felt signaled I had unfortunately left the "young, fresh and fly" building and had my swipe card ready for the boring bus to adulting.
Some of these warning signs included not being able to tell the difference between rappers like Lil' Yachty and Travis Scott (are they a part of The Migos?), starting sentences with, "Back in my day…", and finally scheduling sex with my spouse.
First off, scheduling sex means you're clearly not having enough of it. You don't hear people who are bumping up more than a teenage boy with a Proactive regimen talking about scheduling oral for Thursday at 3:00 pm. Also, sex drives aren't quite that cooperative. At 2:55, it's not like your body is like, "Time to get horny. Sex is about to happen."
But juggling sex with marriage, parenting, and career is hella hard and social media star Devalle Ellis recently got real on his Instagram about why he and his wife Khadeen choose to focus on the quality of intimacy as opposed to the frequency. The couple are parents to three boys and are featured on the second season of OWN's Black Love. In his post, Devalle shares that real intimacy in any relationship is about taking time to genuinely connect and that even if you are having sex 24/7, it's not necessarily an indicator you're winning at love:
"Spouses owe it to each other to remain present sexually. And so often people believe intimacy is defined by frequency. So wrong."
Devalle shares even if it's five seconds of grabbing his wife's booty, maintaining a sexual connection doesn't always have to be solidified with a the grand act of penetration. It was a statement that resonated with me, especially given the guilt I've experienced lately at the realization that having sex with my own husband has become a novelty itself.
Believe me, when you get married, you swear you're going to be that same woman your husband fell in love with. The same one with her hands in his pants not even five minutes into the previews in the latest Marvel movie. The same one who actually made an effort to match her lacy black panties with an accompanying bra and shave her whole damn body because you just know it's about to go down.
But then, something happens called parenthood.
And you better believe that the same Ciara that was slithering, twerking, and having a whole "Body Party" in front of Future shortly before her first child is born, now two kids later is turning over in bed in a durag some nights and telling her hubby Russell Wilson "not tonight" because she's too tired.
It's because toddlers are the ultimate birth control.
While deep inside of me there still lives a woman that literally would suck on my husband's finger to indicate I wanted some, a whole c**k-blocking three-year-old later, and he can't look at my draws without her crying, "Mommy!" from the next bedroom. With this said, parents who are in the same boat as me, or on the sinking Titanic of sex because they have more than one child, might see scheduling sex as the only way to ensure that their genitals don't dry up and completely fall off.
Honestly, it's not even that you don't want to have sex, but when you become a parent, sleep will win over sex drive on the hierarchy of needs every damn time. And let's not forget that most days, especially as a mom, there's a toddler whose mission in life is to make sure their limbs are touching you in some way at all times. So when you do get a few moments to yourself, the last thing you want is to be touched. But Devalle is right. There is something about scheduled sex that just nails the coffin shut on my idea of what being grown and sexy would be like.
As I said before, my libido can't be scheduled.
And much of being sexually active while married with kids has to do with reinventing your idea of what sex has to look like. I had to abandon the idea that every hair had to be plucked from my body for sex to be enjoyable. It even took constant reassuring from my husband that sex with my hair wrapped in a scarf was just as sexy as "fresh from the salon" sex. As a result, we may not get our Skinemax on as regularly, but every few weeks, there's a moment when the kid is asleep or away and we realize that we still have some damn energy and the sexual urge to match. And to be honest, that sex is way better than any session that starts with an Outlook reminder because it's organic and based on passion and not a need to check something off on a list because we think that's what a perfect marriage involves.
A healthy sexual connection doesn't always have to come courtesy of some bomb penetration complete with the perfect climax.
Shoutout to the people that can maintain Grade A sex while juggling full-time jobs AND parenting. For the record, I don't know anyone that works 40 hours a week with toddlers that still get it on like a season of Power, but when it comes to sex, I truly believe that it's better when your heart is in it.
The other parts of your anatomy are nice, but if you're having sex just to say you did it, in my opinion, it's not really worth having.
That goes for whether your sex drive has you constantly pulling over to bump and grind in the backseat or for spouses like me who are forced to put it in park so you can do things like pick up salmon for dinner and pay bills. However, a girl always appreciates a nice booty slap while frying chicken, a lewd comment on the ride home from work that goes completely over the kids' heads but right between your thighs, and just any genuine reminder that her husband thinks she looks like Beyoncé in booty shorts even when she's in sweats and bubble facial.
Because when it comes to making a real sexual connection, if the body party can't get started without an Outlook invitation or before my clothes even come off, what are we really doing?
Featured image by Shutterstock
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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