I Took An Abortion Pill
I found out I was pregnant on a Monday morning from two lines that painted my test positive.
I knew I was pregnant beforehand, but the test was my confirmation. I remember being excited that I wasn’t infertile like my doctor had claimed I was some time prior, but nervous as hell, because what was I going to do?
I stared at my situation as the lose-lose situation it ultimately was. On one end of the spectrum was to have the baby, to be a young mother, and struggle together, to be husband-less, unemployed, have no savings, and no real place to live – but to be happy that I was someone’s mother and have faith that in spite of the odds, I’d be a great one. On the other end of the spectrum, there was ending my pregnancy and forgoing motherhood until a time I was ready in every aspect of the word, or at the very least, the way I imagined it.
For about a week, I went back and forth with my decision, on top of having voices that were not very supportive (i.e. the men in my life, one of which was surprisingly my father). I was put in a position where I felt even smaller than I had before I heard the unharnessed opinions of my patterns of irresponsibility and emotional and financial instability. What I heard loud and clear was the dream life I envisioned for this child and I was more fantasy than reality, and I sank further into myself.
I had so much about me that I needed to work on and I didn’t want to run away from my responsibility, but I knew I didn’t want to do things alone. That same week, countering the negativity, I heard many more positive voices, most of them women who felt like I was confident and strong and determined and looked at me in a light that I saw myself underneath on my best days. That light lit a spark, maybe I could do it. But I looked harder at my reality, bills were piling up, I didn’t care too much for my living situation, I didn’t know if its father was who I wanted to be anyone’s father. Not to mention that I was already beginning to feel changes in my body that I didn’t like: I was exhausted all the time, sleeping 12+ hours a day, I got nauseous at the most subtle smells, lightheaded to the point of dizziness, etc. My tits were fleeky though.
I wanted all of this to happen differently, to happen five years down the road when I’m a little older and a little wiser. I wanted to go places and although a child does not mean your life ends, it does create a lot of change, changes that I wasn’t ready for if I were being honest with myself. I felt kind of bad then, because my thoughts no longer mirrored the inner dialogue of the women around me ready to nurture what my body and womb were preparing for. They stepped into their role as a mother immediately, while I was preparing to step down from mine. I didn’t want to be a baby mama. I didn’t want to be the person whose last name didn’t match her child or its father’s. I didn’t want to struggle. I wanted different things for my child. I wanted them to be and do better than me. I wasn’t ready to sacrifice my lifestyle, my desires, my goals, or my body. Call it selfish all you want, judge me or my actions all you want, but being a mother wasn’t what I wanted. Not yet anyway.
So I decided to have an abortion.
I entered the parking lot of the clinic to see a lonely bystander posted near the entrance with a sign that read “PRAY TO GOD TO END ABORTION” in bold letters. I rolled my eyes. Upon entering the waiting room, I was surprised to see how many women were there: white, hispanic, black. There were couples. There were women who were alone. The room was practically full and it wasn’t even 10 AM. The talk show on the TV was ironically talking about contraceptive effectiveness. Everyone seemed to be on their phones. My nervousness subsided a great deal because I suddenly felt a lot less alone in what I was about to go through. Lord knows my man, who came along with me, couldn’t understand. There was a lot of waiting in the waiting room, despite having made an appointment. It was about an hour and a half of watching our phones and laughing inappropriately before my name was called to come to the back. I thought he’d be able to sit with me throughout the entire process but when my name was called, I had to leave my purse and phone with him in the waiting room.
I found out through the ultrasound they performed on me that I was five weeks and five days. I thought I’d feel a huge connection at seeing that spot appear on the screen as a reflection of what was residing in my womb, a shock like the cold gel on my belly as she used the machine on me – but no. I got up, zipped my pants, and was ready to go to the next room and wait to take the pill.
The process is a series of five pills. You take one in the office with the medical professional and the other four 24 hours later. The first ends the pregnancy and stops the baby from growing. The other four start the “miscarriage” the body goes through, a process that involves the expelling of the sac, clotting, bleeding, and cramps so that your uterus returns to the size it was pre-pregnancy. The bleeding is heavy, the cramping is real, but for me, the process was complete within six hours and all I felt after that was an overwhelming feeling of relief.
There are a lot of women everyday who find out that they are pregnant and the two spectrums do not play out anything like the way my options did. Abortion is not an option that is often talked about and is very frowned upon, but I don’t believe that you should have a baby if you are not ready for one. I thought at 26 I wouldn’t be caught dead in a clinic facing the choice of terminating a pregnancy with a 17-year-old across seated across the room from me, undergoing the same treatment and same emotion toward the possibility of motherhood. I believed the 10 year difference in age would somehow up the ante with my feeling of readiness but life happens. Shit gets in the way and even if you have laid out the plan for the way your story is written, there will be edits. This for me happened to be one of them.
[Tweet "I don’t believe that you should have a baby if you are not ready for one."]
I feel a little tinge of pain in what could have been every now and then in my heart when I hear a baby laugh or see a woman with a burgeoning belly, but I don’t regret my choice because I know that things will happen the way that I need them to happen in the future. My time will come and I’ll have my daughter or son. I really just wanted to put my voice out there on the matter though, even if anonymous, because just like women who decide the hard choice of being a single mother, there is also a hard choice in deciding not to become a mother.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Between the rise of the creator economy and the gig economy, the window of opportunity to leverage your creativity for long-term gain has never been more potent.
For the last four years, I’ve worked as a full-time freelance writer and content creator. A year into this journey, I knew that if I wanted to create a sense of structure around my life outside of a traditional 9-5, I would have to create it.
To my surprise, that came in the form of social media.
Now, you might be wondering how someone might be able to juggle their work in a creatively-dominant career like writing while still having the mental capacity to produce ideas for their own personal brand, and well, that answer didn’t come easily.
In 2021, I hit a wall with writing and content creation.
With the stress and uncertainty that came as a result of the pandemic, to being burned out from having to live off my creativity, I reached a breaking point. For me, writing was always a space to explore my thoughts, process heavy topics, and express concepts that only words could bring reason to. However, when I didn’t have the brainpower to write or create content, I knew it was time to set parameters around my hobby of content creation and my passion for storytelling.
In this case, the biggest challenge was finding the balance between the two by releasing the guilt and shame of taking a break from both in order to reconnect with them.
Through years of trial and error, the fog finally cleared, and I was able to hit my stride in 2023. From garnering over 10K followers on TikTok, building an Instagram community around lifestyle and creative encouragement, along with my wellness collective, Black Girl Playground, and writing for xoNecole as a lifestyle contributor, the creative juices have been flowing steadily.
And it all happened by creating a strategy that allowed space for planning, resting, and creating. Today, I’ll be sharing my top tips to help you find your balance between your side hustle and passions.
On staying inspired and motivated when working on various content creation and freelancing projects:
Early this year, I came to the bright conclusion that I needed to shorten the gap between ideation and execution — and it completely changed how I create.
Oftentimes, when we have an idea come to us, we let it sit for too long, and then before we know it, we’ve either lost the enthusiasm to put it into action, or someone else grabs it. If you want to stay in a flow of creativity, whether side projects or full-time work, it’s important to not get slowed down by self-doubt, procrastination, or perfectionism.
Give yourself permission to act on your ideas as they come to you. Even if they’re a little muddy or not “perfect,” you can always fine-tune them later.
@yagirlaley shrinking the gap between [ideation] + [execution] 🧠💡#fyp #creativeadvice
On the importance of choosing a niche:
If there’s one thing that has helped me balance my work as a writer and content creator, it’s putting each in its own niche (or category). By definition, a niche is a specialized segment of the market or a specific area of expertise.
When you are creating in the same niche that you’re also making a living in, that’s an easy way to get your wires crossed. And at times, this could lead to feeling as if you don’t have any ideas for yourself because you’ve given them to the other area you're juggling.
When balancing two, you want to have enough fresh ideas to give to your personal projects and your full-time work to avoid any overlap. This ensures that your personal creative vision isn’t compromised when working on client projects while still having some for yourself.
On the strategies that have helped to maintain a consistent workflow in both areas:
I can’t stress enough how important it is to create a workflow and structure for yourself as a freelancer — this applies to those with a 9-5 in the day and a 5-9 at night, too.
As someone who admittedly has ADHD tendencies, object permanence can sometimes create a block in time and project management. That’s why I encourage creatives and professionals to create systems that allow you to see the work that’s ahead of you.
Personally, I can’t live without having multiple calendars going at once. My Google calendar keeps track of interviews for articles and events, while my physical calendar helps me keep track of important dates. I also work out of an Excel sheet where I can log in ongoing stories and track their status from drafting to submission. I’ve also heard great things about the Notion app for planning and tracking.
When it comes to creating content, spending time doing bulk content days has been an asset to my creative workflow. When I complete the videos, I save them to my drafts and upload them as needed.
Credit: Amberita
Courtesy of the writer
On the best advice for someone who is considering pursuing both content creation and freelancing simultaneously:
Don’t be ashamed of taking a break and resting — because both are essential to the life of a creative. Last month, I returned to Instagram after taking 6 months off from posting. During that time, I worked on growing my TikTok page, using the platform to practice vulnerability and allowing myself to put the fun back into creating content. Without the time, I can’t say I’d be able to approach Instagram with the same ease and playfulness; but thanks to that time away, it was possible.
Resting, letting our minds wander, or simply doing nothing are all just as productive as creating. No one can produce at all times, we have to allow ourselves the space for new concepts and ideas to flow to us. In addition to that, when we take breaks from social media, it allows us to stop the wheel of comparison and consume more than we create. So if you feel like you’re in a creative rut with all you want to balance, it may be time to take a step back, unapologetically.
Your creativity will thank you for it.
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Featured image by Sir Taylor