I Was 'Ghosted' By My Best Friend
There's no telling how much of, a lot of "stuff", we could be spared if we really thought about what words like "relationship" and "friendship" mean.
Relationship: a connection, association, or involvement; connection between persons by blood or marriage; an emotional or other connection between people
Friendship: the state of being a friend; association as friends; a friendly relation or intimacy
I don't know about you, but the words in these definitions that stand out to me most are "connection" and "intimacy". Hmph. After being ghosted by someone I've known for most of my life, I realize that what we were lacking, in a lot of ways, were both of these things.
GIPHY
Ghosting Happens. Even in Friendships.
Ghosting. I know that's a word that's most often given to dating scenarios. It's when you think you've made a real connection with someone, that real intimacy is established. Then one day, seemingly out of nowhere, "poof", they're gone—no call, no text, no email. No real rhyme or reason either.
Ghosting is something that I personally don't get—or respect. It's cowardly. It's childish. And it's emotionally harmful. Even if something is not working, running from it rather than discussing it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. That doesn't mean I haven't experienced it, though.
The worst ghosting experience I've ever had was with a female friend, not a guy I've dated. I've literally known her for most of my life so it's impossible to capture our entire "friendship" in one article. I'll just share a bit of what led up to the ghosting.
She was in a toxic marriage and had an affair as a result. Between the pride, lying, and fall out from trying to make her marriage work and still mess around with the other guy, I was working overtime to try and hold her accountable and still be a support system.
Tenor
After about two years, it all started to take its toll. I was coming to realize that I was caring more about her marriage and our friendship than she was. And so, a couple of days before the turn of a new year, I wrote her an email to let her know just how draining the entire…situation had become. How next year, there needed to be more mutuality; that I loved her but I wasn't going to keep doing most of the work.
Her response? Silence. Complete and total silence.
I was floored. At first, I thought she was taking space to get herself together. But as three months turned into six and so on, I realized that "gettin' ghost" is exactly what she did. Wow. How did we go from our families knowing each other, us seeing each other at least every other week, and talking on the phone for hours on end to me not even knowing if she was alive for almost 15 months?
As a writer, something that can be an occupational hazard is that we tend to not only communicate but—overly communicate. With us, people tend to know exactly where we stand. And so, right around the 15th month mark, I wrote her to let her know that it blew my mind that after all we had been through, I didn't even know if she was still married or not, let alone where things stood with us.
For about six more months, there was still silence. Amazing. Ghosted and ignored.
Then one day, she wrote me. She talked about how much she appreciated my support and she was sorry that I couldn't feel "the love" from her (even though she used to tell me quite a bit that she didn't know if she was capable of loving anyone, so…how could I feel it?). That she felt like my email 21 months prior was a shift in our dynamic and so she was being quiet.
Wow again. So, I set boundaries—and that means we're not friends anymore?
I wrote her back to let her know that she was loved and kinda left it at that. But as I thought about how it all played out, it brought me to a particular conclusion:
A Healthy Relationship Has No "Ghosts".
HBO's Insecure
If you think back to the the times when you've been ghosted (and perhaps even have ghosted someone—SMH), what's usually the common thread that you see in hindsight? It's usually that one person was FAR MORE INVESTED than the other was, right? One was usually feeling the other more. One was usually doing more work than the other. One was usually more committed too. This means that the connection and intimacy was totally imbalanced. And that? That is unhealthy.
Connection: anything that connects; a connecting part; link; bond
Intimacy: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group; a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.
When both people are bonded, when both people are loving each other, when both people have a detailed knowledge and understanding of one another—how can ghosting ever be an option, let alone actually happen?
For clarity's sake, I'm not saying that sometimes seasons don't change and people outgrow one another. But to not give what was shared the dignity of talking things through and gaining a mutual understanding? That is the ultimate form of disrespect. That makes the relationship anything but a real connection or a truly intimate. Accepting that fact? That is what keeps ghosting from affecting you so much.
HBO's Insecure
That's why I have no regrets about reaching out to my "friendly ghost". CLEARLY, I wouldn't have gotten the answers I needed and the conclusion I was looking for if I hadn't. And, in doing so, it has caused me to recommend to others that if they ever get ghosted by someone they thought they were in relationship with to:
- Get personal clarity if there was a real connection and a healthy level of intimacy.
- Accept that if there was, ghosting wouldn't have happened in the first place. Because running away wouldn't be the solution. Ever.
How do I know? Because one definition of ghost is a "semblance", or an assumed or unreal appearance. Ghosting happens when something is assumed to exist—that actually doesn't.
Healthy relationships—friendships included—don't ghost each other.
There is too much realness, mutuality and respect between them to let that happen. And it's that realization that keeps "ghosts" from "haunting" you. Ever.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- The Self-Care Of Ghosting Toxic Girlfriends - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- I Love Her But I Don't Like Her Anymore - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Choosing Health Over Length: How To Create Boundaries With Friends You’ve Outgrown - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I think we all can agree that social media really is a double-edged sword. What I mean by that is there is just as much bad that can come out of it as good. At the end of the day, it really is about 1) having your own mind, 2) finding balance when it comes to how much time you spend online, and 3) doing your own research instead of taking random people’s opinions as the gospel (i.e., facts).
Gee, I wish more folks did all of this when it comes to if a man needs to have a large penis to sexually satisfy a woman (he does not) and if a woman who has had multiple sex partners will ultimately end up with a vagina that is too large for smaller penises to please her (a lie).
Science totally has my back on debunking both of those things (more on that in a bit). Know what else does? A particular type of sex method that is becoming more popular by the day. One that just might convince you to, as they used to say back in the day, focus less on the “size of the wave” and ride out the “motion of the ocean” instead.
It’s called shallowing. Here’s what it’s all about.
What Is Shallowing?
GiphyIf there’s one thing that I wish folks would say more thoroughly when it comes to women and orgasms, it’s that when it comes to75 percent of women not being able to orgasm from only intercourse, the accurate statement is they struggle with achieving a vaginal orgasm without the assistance of some type of clitoral stimulation. Yeah, we’ve really got to remember that very few things in this life are a complete monolith — orgasms included (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”).
In fact, it was while I was reading up on pairing — a word that is used for when clitoral stimulation transpires during penetration — that I decided to do some deep-diving into shallowing (because it was mentioned inone of the articles that I read).And what is it? Shallowing is when a penis, finger, tongue, or sex toy of some sort is used in order to ever so slightly penetrate the vaginal opening of a woman.
And why is shallowing not just a current sex trend but something that every woman on this planet should try? It’s because of what I’ve said, more than once, on this platform: it focuses on the most sensitive part of a woman’s vagina, which isthe first two inches of her vaginal opening.
When the emphasis is placed there, not only does it increase your chances of experiencing “the big O,” but it can also build up anticipation, which can intensify your orgasms too — yes, shallowing can also be seen as a form of edging.
Another thing that’s cool about shallowing is — and it really and truly can’t be said enough — something that makes vaginal and blended orgasms easier to achieve for some women really has little to do with the size of a man’s package or even his technique; it’s straight up anatomy. Yep, the closer that a woman’s clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for a penis to stimulate both. So, science makes it possible for vaginal orgasms to be easier for some women than others.
At the same time, shallowing can make it possible for more women who want to see what a vaginal orgasm actually feels like (because it’s easier for the head of the penis to stimulate the opening of the vagina while the shaft can rub up against your clitoris; based on the position that you are in, of course — the missionary with some pillows propped under the lower part of your back is ideal for this).
Now that you see what shallowing actually is, do you get why I said that penis size doesn’t matter when it comes to doing it — and getting the kind of orgasms that you want? Contrary to popular belief, your vagina is only around four inches. In fact, some health experts say that it ranges between 2-4”. Anything larger, your body literally has to stretch out to accommodate; this includes penises and babies. So, if your vagina is “making room” for more than four inches, why in the world do you think you need a 10-inch man? Yeah…exactly. It really is time to get over the silliness. The average penis continues to be 5.5”. Makes sense when you take it all in (no pun intended).
Aight, so now that you know what shallowing is all about, let me try and hard sell you on why it’s a sex technique that you should try as soon as tonight (if you possibly can).
1. It takes the pressure off of you and your partner.
I’ve been working with couples for almost 20 years at this point. This means that the topic of sex comes up quite a bit. And if there’s one thing that continues to be an issue is inconsistent orgasms (check out “Why Do Orgasms So Often Seem Like A ‘Hit-Or-Miss’ Experience For Women?”).
Listen, no matter how many articles you read or sex positions you try, if you’re anxious, stressed out, or overthinking, it’s gonna get in the way of you experiencing high peaks of pleasure on a consistent basis. Since shallowing is something that can easily be done even in foreplay (via fingering and/ororal sex) if you get that first “release” off, that makes it easier to just sit back and enjoy the ones that (hopefully) are to follow.
2. It teaches you more about your vagina.
A part of the reason why I keep repeating certain facts about vaginas in these articles is that it’s amazing how little certain things are discussed en masse — like the size of the vaginal tube. And since shallowing helps you to stimulate the nerve endings at the entrance of your va-jay-jay along with your G-spot (which is housed a little ways from your opening), shallowing is a great way to explore that area of your body as you figure out what truly works for you and…what doesn’t.
3. It’s the perfect merging of foreplay and intercourse.
When you really stop to think about it, shallowing is like the bridge between foreplay and intercourse because you can use so many different things to do it. So, if you want to experiment with a new sex toy or you want a bit more time to “warm up the engine” before full-on penetration begins, shallowing is one of the most sexually arousing compromises there is.
4. It can help to increase your partner’s stamina.
A few years back, I penned an article for the site entitled, “We’ve Got Some All-Natural Ways To Increase Stamina & Sensitivity.” Listen, even though I onceread a GQ article that said that over 60 percent of the people they polled were fine with intercourse lasting no longer than 5-10 minutes — that poll doesn’t speak for all of us, chile.
So, if you would like your man to build up to going longer, shallowing can help to make that happen. Since he’s barely putting beyond the tip in, he can learn how to be in you for longer periods of time without being, well, in you.
5. It helps you to appreciate whatever “package” he has.
Again — and it really can’t be said enough — if shallowing is all about exploring the mere entrance of your vagina, you don’t need a man with BDE (check out “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go”) or honestly, even anything close to it.
I mean, even though, reportedly, the size that the average woman says gives her the most orgasms is eight inches — I bet those women have never really tried shallowing before. 10”, 8”, or the average 5.5” can certainly get the job done. And well.
6. It feels A-MAZ-ING.
Okay,so now that you know about shallowing, I promise that if you put the word into your favorite search engine, you’re either gonna see articles on golfing (LOL) or sex, especially as of late. That’s because more couples are trying it out and getting mind-blowing results from it. So, if you’re looking for something new to try, give shallowing a shot.
Hey, anything that’s designed to stimulate your most intense vaginal nerve endings has got to be something for the record books. I mean, how could it not be? Lawd.
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Featured image by Juan Moyano/Getty Images