When I first received the job offer for my current full-time job, I was hesitant to accept. This commute was much longer than the seven-to-ten-minute commute I was used to. I now had to travel down two interstates to get to work. Now, I know this has nothing on the folks who take two subways, three buses, and walk four blocks to get to their jobs, however, living in New Haven, CT, it's an annoying idea to swallow. Was I really about to do this?
Yes. I was. I did.
I quit the job that was around the corner from my house and accepted an offer for a job I had to drive through three towns to which to get. It was the best job decision I made. Not just because of the position, but because the increased commute time made me even more productive. My new travel time helped maximize my productivity; by forcing me to wake up earlier and journey further, I ended up having more time on my hands. Time I learned how to manage during my commute.
So, how do I maximize my commute times to be more productive? We've become a society of multi-tasking, which is a wonderful thing for making the most of my new commute time. Recognizing that my ride to work could be used for more than just the commute changed everything about that journey. Instead of just listening to music, I began utilizing silence to think, brainstorm, and set my day up for success.
Once I mastered the art of safely multi-tasking, I decided to break my commutes into the two different journeys — one to work, and the other from work. Each commute allows me to maximize my productivity in two very different ways. On my way to work, I do things that help set the precedence for my day. I prepare myself for the work of the day ahead, and mentally check-in to work mode even before I arrive. I do things like pray, check my emails, and listen to an inspirational podcast that puts me in the mood to grind the day out. On my journey home from work, I unwind and fully check-out — refusing to bring anything from work home with me. I process the day, mentally review any pending items, and release any stressors that may affect any post-work activities. This is how I manage a healthy work-life balance.
Regardless of how you choose to use your to and from work commutes, the following can help you make the most of your travel time.
Pray.
GiphyWhile I make it a point to pray before even leaving the house, sometimes I just can't get to it. On those mornings, I drive to work in silence and dedicate the entire commute to prayer. I express gratitude for the job I'm traveling to, express gratefulness for God's consistent guidance, and thank Him for all He's done thus far. I then begin to ask Him to guide my day and to handle all the battles that may come my way. Starting my day in this way keeps me centered for all that may come when I enter the office. It reminds me to focus on God through every obstacle the day may bring, and it gives me the peace I need to begin each day productively and purposefully.
Check Emails.
GiphyChecking my emails on the way to work helps me eliminate anxiety. I don't typically enjoy going into anything completely blind. By checking my inbox before I arrive to work, I'm aware of the fires I may experience walking in the door; it gives me a great head-start to some of the interactions and problem-solving I'd have to focus on. It also gives me a great starting point for what I need to conquer first – allowing me to make my mental to-do list.
Create your To-Do list.
Achieve To Do List GIF by MAXGiphyThere's no reason you must wait until you get to work to start identifying what you must do. Thinking about the pending items on my way to work helps me to focus in on my day's top priorities before I get weighed down with the priorities of others. During my morning commute, I make a mental to-do list of items that must be completed on that day (for the sake of my own mental wellbeing). I usually settle on 3-4 tasks, which leaves enough space on the list for interruptions and last-minute emergencies. Doing so gives me a wonderful starting place and allows me to hit the ground running when I arrive to work – that is, after I make my morning tea.
Reflect.
Giphy
Reflecting can be you assessing your morning mood, setting intentions, or just thinking critically about what's going on in your personal life. Using your commute time to reflect is a wonderful opportunity to process how you feel and determine how you plan to show up for yourself on any given day. It also allows you to get your mind right before having to deal with pesky coworkers or daunting job tasks. Typically, I use my morning reflection time for intention setting and my evening reflection time to affirm what I've done in my 8-hours of work. This helps me to start my day deliberately, and to end it with positivity.
Listen to a Podcast/Audiobook or Read a Relevant Article.
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They say it's important to spend at least five hours per week learning something new. Podcasts and articles are one of the many ways I do so. Dedicating my 20-30 minute commute to consuming educational content, ensures that I'm making the most of my travel time, and not completely slacking on my self-work. Whether you tune in to your favorite podcast, listen to an audiobook, or read a new article on your favorite site, fitting in a form of education and entertainment is imperative – especially on the days you feel you don't have the time to do either.
Check in on Your Side Projects.
This is particularly useful for those dedicated to maintaining a healthy work-life balance. Utilizing your commute time to check in on freelance projects allows you to tackle some of the more mundane tasks before you get home and 'clock in' to your second source of income. Make your last-minute phone calls, respond to quick e-mails, check on the status of pending items, and brainstorm for your next project before you even arrive home. Doing so helps to cut down on the time you spend doing this work and frees up some home time to actually enjoy…home.
Decompress.
Critical to ensuring you leave your work at work, decompressing is the post-work version of reflecting. Decompressing allows you to process what happened in the day and allows you to think about the pending items that you didn't get a chance to complete. It gives you one last moment to unload your thoughts from work, so you don't bring it home with you. It's a great opportunity to vent to yourself about the day's struggles, reflect on the new things you learned today, and allows you to affirm the work you did.
Phone a Friend.
If you're anything like me, after a long day of work the last thing you want to do when you get home is talk to anyone for at least 30 minutes. Using your commute time to check on your friends and share your latest frustrations is a good way to ensure your home time can be dedicated to your at-home routines. It's also a great way to nurture your relationships without them getting lost in the hustle and bustle of our everyday lives. Whether it's cooking, spending time with your children or spouse, or simply taking a shower and relaxing, marking off these non-work items during your commute home can free up some space in your hectic schedule for actual you-time at home. I use my after work commute in the best way I can to ensure that once I get home, my time will be my time.
Regardless of what your commuting situation is like, there have been quite a few things I've learned on my fantastic voyages to and from work. In the past year and a half, I've learned how to make the most of my commute and maximize my productivity doing so. Mixing my work commutes with professional productivity, relationship building, and self-care ensures that I have a balanced routine long before the day is over.
Featured image by Getty Images
- Maximise the benefit of your commute - Cycling Weekly ›
- Maximize Your Commute in 9 Simple Steps | HuffPost ›
- Top 10 Ways to Improve Your Daily Commute ›
- 7 Ways to Maximize Productivity on Your Daily Commute | Inc.com ›
- What Successful People Do on Their Commute | Reader's Digest ›
- 5 Job Tips For Maximizing Your Work Commute - Glassdoor Blog ›
- 7 Ways to Maximize Your Commute Time to Work ›
- 36 Commuting Apps to Make Your Trip to Work More Productive ... ›
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Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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