How To Find Balance When Your Life Is A Tightrope
Have you ever felt like there are never enough hours in the day? Like, if you had to count off your checklist items on your fingers, you would be down to your fingers and toes?
Not to mention that it's officially November, so it's basically Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Year's, meaning you have two months to cross off your NYE resolutions from this year and somehow catch up on your resolutions from last year. And, you still have to function day-to-day while there are still passion projects that have yet to be started, plane tickets that have yet to be booked, and waists that have yet to be snatched.
You want to do it all, but time is not on your side. How do you find balance and manage stress when your life is constantly a tightrope?
Related: An Open Letter To Overcommited Ladies
I recently connected with one of my mentors to discuss juggling a full workload while maintaining a decent quality of life and she dropped a gem that has shaped the way I view balance. She said:
"Balance is not something you find, it is something you create."
Let that simmer for a bit. Yes, it's so simple, but a powerful philosophy when truly maximized.
Many of us are attempting to go with the flow in day-to-day lifestyles that are more akin to whitewater rafting. It's remarkable how stressed we can be about companies we don't own, people who take us for granted, and problems we did not create.
Time to meditate or even visit a mental health professional will not magically find their way into our crazy schedules unless prioritized. The stress we have justified as "normal" can compound and manifest into truly toxic conditions if not actively managed. Per CDC and ADA research cited by Dr. Inger E. Burnett-Zeigler in her Op-Ed for the NY Times:
"Black women are more likely than white women to have stress related to family, employment, finances, discrimination, or racism. Black women are more likely to be depressed, and when they are, their symptoms are more severe, last longer, and are more likely to interfere with their ability to function at work, school, and home. Black women are more likely to have feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and worthlessness. And yet fewer than 50 percent of black adults with mental health needs receive treatment…
"Many of us [black women] have been conditioned to believe that we must be strong to survive. But we cannot hold up the strength of black women without acknowledging the stress that comes with it. Otherwise, we set unreasonable expectations for what black women should be able to endure."
Creating balance is not just a "nice thing to do". It might be your lifeline.
Are you struggling to create balance in your life? Here are 6 tips to point you in the right direction.
Say “No” And Prioritize Your Non-negotiables
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I'll say it now and you'll hear it time and time again. The holy grail of time management truly is: "just say no". Yes, hell will threaten to freeze over. Tears will be shed. You might even threaten to renege your refusal, but stay strong. You teach people how to treat you — how to need you. There are certain exceptions that you will determine on a case by case basis, but that promotion and raise may not have the same long-term value if you have a mental breakdown and cannot return. Make sure you are actively prioritizing self-care regimens that help you balance stress, especially eating and sleeping properly. It all comes full circle.
Disconnect
Our generation, in particular, struggles with self-induced stress, unrealistic expectations, and paranoia from constant social media consumption.
You were perfectly fine with your job and your apartment, but suddenly, you feel hopelessly behind since you learned that your line sister's cousin's sister who you follow on Instagram has just been promoted to partner at 26 years old and is moving into a brand new mansion with her part-time model/NFL player fiancé.
All of the notifications, instant messages, and retweets can grow to become major stressors, if not a considerable distraction, eating away at your valuable time.
Social media aside, spending countless hours checking emails and taking work calls during your personal time also adds to your stress levels. When it's within your control, step away and disconnect every once in while. "Balance" what energy and expectations you set for yourself.
Protect Your Peace
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That being said, protect your peace. Everyone has that one friend who never has anything positive to say. You were already stressed before, but her energy brought your happiness from a 6 down to a 3.5 within minutes of meeting up. Her energy is not a destressor, it's a stress inducer.
Life is too short and your time is too valuable to stretch yourself so thin for those that do not add value to your life. We want to be there for everyone, but sometimes, we have to put ourselves first. Protect your peace.
Know Your “Top 5”
When I was a freshman in college and trying to join every club and activity under the sun, a mentor sat me down and taught me to live by the "Rule of 5": You should never fully invest your time in more projects and activities than what you can fit on your 5 fingers.
Work/school is one finger, sleep is another finger, being in a relationship is a finger (maybe even two!), and so on… You really don't have as much capacity as you think.
There is no way you feasibly juggle work, exercise, a prayer life, a hectic family schedule, 6 boyfriends, 18 best friends, 32 passion projects, and a good night's rest all at once. You can try, but things will fall through the cracks. Pick your Top 5 and fully invest. Know your equation.
Plan Ahead
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Organization is key. When your time is particularly limited, it is truly within your best interest to stay organized and proactively schedule important dates and events into your calendar. And, don't forget to block out dates in your calendar just for YOU.
*pencils wash day into calendar*
Procrastination as a general habit can add layers of stress and imbalance to your life - even if it's a fine tuned "skill" that you have learned to depend on. Don't put off organizing your life and being intentional about the things that bring you balance.
Related: 5 Things You've Probably Said If You're A Procrastinating Perfectionist
Be Mindful Of Your Diet And Exercise
Last, but not least, your diet and exercise have been scientifically proven to be integral components in regard to maintaining energy and reducing stress. You know this, I know this. That 30-minute power walk just might give you the 3-hour boost you need to finish that pitch presentation.
Prioritize healthy living so you can maintain the schedule that you so desperately need to balance.
Balance starts and ends with what you let in, by, and around you. Don't let your life run you ragged. Take your power back.
Learn more about time management and self-care from leading ladies in xoNecole's on-going series: Finding Balance.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Lydia is a recent Ivy League graduate and lifestyle writer based out of NYC. Storytelling her way through her 20-somethings, her lens is all things career, self-care, and #BlackGirlMagic. Meet Lydia on Instagram @hello_lydia.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How To Tell If You're Disciplining Your Child Or Seeking Revenge
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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