I've Been Abstinent For 12 Years, Here's How

Sex

Back when I wrote my first book that included all of the reasons why abstinence is a good idea, I actually had sex with my then-boyfriend to "celebrate" the book's release. If there seems like there's some hypocrisy there, you'd be right. What was even more apparent was just how hooked onto sex I was...although I wasn't sure why at the time.


I'm not saying that's a bad thing. SEX IS AWESOME. Incomparably so. That said, the reason why I brought up my book in the first place is because there was a poem that I wrote that I featured in it.

Its title? "Why Not the Prostitute?"

The gist? Why do so many people give prostitutes such a hard time when at least they seem to value their "stuff" (and their time) enough to get something out of the sexual situation? I mean, I've given my good stuff out to numerous dudes and had absolutely NO-THING — sometimes not even an orgasm — to show for it.

media1.giphy.com

No, I'm not advocating prostitution. At the same time, what I am saying is that on January 9, 2007, literally right after having sex, something in me was like, "This just isn't working for me anymore." It wasn't the sex either. It was just that…it felt like I was not enjoying it so much as using it as a coping mechanism — a pacifier.

Hmph. Yeah, "pacifier" is the right word. When a baby is upset or even impatient, some parents will put a pacifier into their mouth and, at least for the time being, everything seems all good. Let that thing fall out though, and the child is back to being upset and impatient; maybe even more than they were before. The lesson here? Pacifiers don't really "fix" anything; they just distract you for a little while. Oftentimes, just like sex.

When I decided to give abstinence a try, just to see if I could find out why sex wasn't enough for me, I told myself I would do a year. On January 9, 2019, it will be a whopping (count 'em) 12 years!

And while I get that not everyone thinks abstinence is for them, at the same time, I do believe that if more of us tried it — even if it was just for a season — it would provide a greater sense of clarity as to what we truly want and need outside of the pleasure (and/or distraction) that sex alone provides. We'd be able to see if it might just be more of a "pacifier" than we might think.

How did I come to the conclusion that it was for me? Ironically, it was by paying attention to the steps I used to stop having sex in the first place:

I Continually Remind Myself of Why I Stopped.

I stayed in my last relationship much longer than I should have. I cared about him, but I wasn't in love. But between our friendship and the sex, I would ignore my gut that said, "You really need to end this thing."

You know what? When I look back on my sex life, in general, with most of those dudes, I ignored my gut and listened to my libido. I had this pattern of ending up with guys where — eh, 8.5 times out of 10 — the sex was outstanding but everything else was below average. Way below average.

I guess the best way to describe how I was feeling is a Maureen Dowd quote that I like a lot: "The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for."

I have girlfriends who just want sex and they're out. But when it comes to me, I wanted — needed — more than that. I felt that way back then. I still feel that way now. So on my super-horny days, I look at the tat on the inside of my right forearm (Matthew 13:45-46; my birthstone is a pearl so if you look it up, it'll make sense) and remind myself that I stopped because I want more than good sex. I want a solid — and super-lasting — connection.

Related Articles:

You Can't Sex It Away: A D*ck Appointment Is Not An Antidepressant – Read More

I Tried Masturbating For 7 Days As An Act Of Self-Care - Here's How It Went – Read More

After the Breakup: How To Avoid Giving In To The 'Hoe Phase' – Read More

Tiffany Haddish Gets Real About Soul Ties & So Should We – Read More

Next Page

Sign up today and be the first to get notified on new updates, exclusive events, retreats and giveaways!

More Posts

In xoNecole's Finding Balance, we profile boss women making boss moves in the world and in their respective industries. We talk to them about their business, their life, and most of all, what they do to find balance in their busy lives.

Can women have it all? Undoubtedly, there have been many attempts to answer this question over the years, most with a mournful no. But with just one glimpse into the life of plus-size blogger and beauty/style influencer Rochelle Johnson, the answer it would seem should be a resounding yes. A doting husband, beautiful toddler, AND a booming career? She holds the trifecta of a life well lived and fulfilled. And if you aren't familiar with her brand, you definitely should be.

Keep reading... Show less

Last May, I took a trip to Cancun with a few friends, some old and some new, where every morning I was awakened by my roommate around 7 am, talking loudly on the phone.

Keep reading... Show less

It's been a few months since that vision board party where you and your friends vowed to manifest the lives you know you deserve. Everyone brought some food, drinks and old magazines. As you cut out images that represent your deep desires and pasted it to a large cardboard, you became excited about the possibilities for this year.

Keep reading... Show less

With the questions of down payments, closing costs, and how much home can you afford, it might seem daunting to step out of your comfort zone and purchase your first home. Especially as a single woman. But it is most definitely something that can be done.

Keep reading... Show less

Dear Queen is a series dedicated to letters from women written for themselves and other women. Have a "Dear Queen" letter? We want to read it! E-mail your letters to submissions@xonecole.com with the subject: Dear Queen.

To the woman who struggles to celebrate herself:

I see you.

Keep reading... Show less

As boss and career women, we often don't realize how we can sometimes be our worst enemies when it comes to putting ourselves in the running for life-changing experiences.

Keep reading... Show less
Exclusive Interviews
Latest Posts