My Partner Knew I Had Been Sexually Assaulted Before I Told Him
I can’t give times or a date.
I couldn’t tell you what he wore or how he smelled. But there hasn’t been a day where I wouldn’t see his face or feel his fingers in inappropriate places as a 4-year-old. I could tell you what kind of children’s underwear I had on and why the characters that colored those panties are ones that I cannot face today. I see them often, thus, I still see him.
It happened quick.
But no one ever tells you that when you’ve experience molestation at such a young age, that the bruising will remain for a lifetime.
Some days, the scarring is faint; others, the emotional wounds leave you retreating to a secret place–one that’s often dark where no one is invited in. Teenage fingers have granted itself permission to do as it pleased without your invitation. It would be hard to let anyone in, much less near, again.
How could a child hold power? I wouldn’t know; I didn’t say no.
I let him take control while parts of my fragile body fought him behind a closed mouth and light tears.
It would be hard to trust.
Feel.
Love.
But thirteen years after the incident, I fell in love.
There was something about the feel of this relationship that frightened me as I felt I needed to take this one slow. My emotions moved as fast as those teenage fingers back in ‘92 and I wanted it to slow down. If I couldn’t say no then, I understood that I had the authority to do so now.
Again, I retreated.
Adolescent makeup sessions in basements would cease if he got too close to the button of my jeans. I would tell him I had an irregular cycle and couldn’t have sex during the times he wanted to. Months into dating and we would settle for heavy kissing and tongue wrestling, but sex? It wasn’t happening.
He never questioned my actions, only respected it, and I would end up making this guy, who would later be the father of my children, wait an entire year and a half before being intimate.
Some days were easier than others.
I felt light during sex. It was an essential escape that my body needed.
Sometimes, I felt emotionless, nothing at all because how could I find pleasure in something that got me to this point? There would be weeks of internal conflict where my body wouldn’t give in to my partner, as much as I wanted to. I had a chronic fear that he would find someone else to fulfill his sexual wants. Guilt made cameos from time to time. Anxiety lied in the bed with us. He would ask me the usual:
"Your body feels tense. Are you okay?""Are you sure you want to do this?"
I would give in, even if I didn’t want to, just to get over the mental hurdle of that afternoon I was violated as a 4-year-old at the babysitter’s house.
I felt that the boy who touched me as a child still had a hold on me, an intangible power over me, and his fingers within me. Anyone who I wanted to fully give myself to would feel the effects of him and what he did, even if I didn’t say outright, “This is what happened to me. This is why it’s hard.”
Shame found a home in my skin for years.
And I didn’t say anything for quite a while. It was my little secret to keep because I repeatedly heard his shhh’s and would feel like damaged goods. I would feel weak because I couldn’t say no and I would never let anyone know that I actually allowed someone to take advantage of me. But my partner knew.
My partner knew when I would pull back without saying “stop,” or “too hard” or “go slower.” He felt my body wasn’t ready to engage in big girl things and he understood that parts of my past would attribute to it. I was there, but not exactly present in the moment. I felt like he knew my body better than I did. This feeling would last even after the birth of two children and I decided that I needed a sexuality coach to intervene.
[Tweet "Ultimately, it would all boil down to honoring the word ‘no.’ '"]
We don’t do that enough. I felt by declining to have sex, I would cause a rift between my partner and I who would feel like I was no longer interested in him, but it was crucial that I respect my body after what I had gone through. Yes, even if it was twenty years prior. After being told that I was self-violating my own body even further by having sex when I didn’t want to, I realized that it was time to let him know the why’s behind the actions. I told him about that day, the weight I’ve been carrying, and my own grievances with the body he loved that I had to live in.
He admitted he knew I had experienced trauma of some sort, but still loved me, even when he knew I didn’t love or forgive myself.
We spoke candidly about that day–a painful moment to relive, but a pivotal point in our relationship as I helped him understand my story, which led me to come to terms with the fact that it happened.
Yet, I was still here.
It was hours of healthy conversations on boundaries, withdrawing from sex for a while, viewing sex as a shared experience, reframing my ideas of sex in general, and understanding sexual recovery after trauma. Reading stories from close friends who too have experienced sexual assault at 4, 14, or 24 has helped. I tell this story thanks entirely to them, my coach who has changed our lives, and the women who haven’t found the right time to share their own and probably never will.
As far as my partner’s concerns on how to move forward after becoming privy to this sort of information, he’s been advised to be more aware of the pressures he may cause when it comes to having sex, to not treat me like a victim, and be more patient during intercourse. Of course these are just a few of the many steps you or your partner should take if your significant other has experienced sexual assault at any point in their life.
It takes time to get over sexual assault–months for some women, decades for most, entire lifetimes for others–but it isn’t something you can’t overcome.
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You can have a healthy relationship and sex life afterwards. You can take back control over your life even after it feels like it's been taken from you. Yes, you still have that much power.
For more information about sexual assault, go to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (https://rainn.org) or contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline to speak to someone confidentially at 800-656-4673.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images