How 4 Professional Millennial Women Navigate Career And Self-Care
There are many professional and career/family oriented WOC who put in so much work for their jobs/families, whom have also have struggled with juggling all the above in conjunction with mental health challenges.
Whether it's dealing with high anxiety, or chronic depression, many powerful WOC have to do it all, and seemingly keep it all together, in a society where they are often oppressed and marginalized.
Speaking from experience, it takes great strength to work very hard externally and still manage to beat your mental health struggles internally by embracing self-love and self-care. This read will spotlight how four inspirational professional millennial women of color in different industries have dealt with challenging mental health issues while being active in their career paths.
Octavia Yearwood, Author & Motivational Speaker
Octavia Yearwood works in arts education creating intersectional arts programming. She is also known as a motivational speaker and author of her upcoming book, How The Hell Did You Do That,which is an interactive journey, serving as a guide book, memoir, and workbook helping readers to walk through the process of self-healing.
A Day in the Life:
"My days vary because I do several things. I teach, I create art programming, I have a book with a curriculum, I host events, and I'm a keynote speaker. On a normal busy day, I am returning emails between 7am-9am and then preparing to do any of those things or heading to a meeting in regards to any of those things. Today, in particular, I have to be at the University of Miami to work with some dance students who have a video shoot today, I have two classes, so I will be cleaning their choreography, getting them placed, and talking about the shot list with the program Director, Shedia Nelson, who also shoots and edits the video.
"I will need to get out of there by 12, so I head up to another private school and work with, and teach from 1pm till 4pm. On my ride up to the school, I am answering these interview questions and working through a proposal I'm working on for an Art Institute, [and finally] my foster brother is also in town, so I will need to make time to see him before he leaves in the morning to head back to NYC."
How She Grew Into Self-Love & Self-Care:
"I am actually fresh off of a depression that took me out for a good part of the beginning of the year. A lot of my work is for the benefit of the world, so it gets really rough to be so focused on helping the world, women, and our youth in particular, and hit roadblocks when it comes to nonprofits and getting funding to materialize things.
"I am an artist first, so working within corporate structures made me pick up a lot of bad habits that hurt me, like always trying to say or do things perfectly, being passive-aggressive, and not being completely honest about how I felt. I was fresh off resigning from a nonprofit that I put a lot of energy into, and a romantic relationship that I also put a lot of my energy into. Both ended around the same time last year, and I threw myself into my independent work even harder; by the time February hit, and one deal fell through, I was ready to be done with this world."
"I had suicidal thoughts in a way that I never experienced before."
"I isolated myself so much and was going through it, but no one knew because I was still 'booked and busy' in publications and throwing events, etc. I had to get recentered. I could feel that my spirit was weak because I wasn't doing what it needed. So, I called a sister of mine for a reading with my ancestors who told me what I needed to do, which was what I knew I needed anyway. I got myself back into my meditative practice, being active (working out and dancing more), cleansing my energy, and prayer."
"I had abandoned those things. I needed them for self-care."
"My self-love showed up in a different way. It came in the form of caring less about people's thoughts, and what I thought people needed from me. I got into the habit of navigating people instead of letting them navigate me. I was like, 'Nah, I'm not doing that anymore.' I had already got in touch with how valuable I was theoretically, but I had to begin to move in that in a real way."
How She Navigates Career & Mental Health:
"Firstly, the work is nothing without me. If life is a game like they say, I'm not doing it right if I don't have fun and if I'm not winning. All of our goals are a means to an end, which is why once we achieve a goal, our masochistic asses just create another one! So, it's all about the lessons along the way of the process, making self-awareness a huge key in regards to self-care because it makes you do a self-check-in. It's more important than ever for me to say what I want, be who I am, and enjoy the moments."
"I remind myself that I make time, so I actively do that for my friends and all the things that feed my spirit."
Her Advice to Working Women:
"YOU FIRST! Selfishness gets a bad rap. Do the things that feed your spirit, whether it's singing karaoke or laying in bed naked for a day. Please create some type of spiritual practice for yourself so you can maintain or attain a balance spiritually. It translates to everything else. You are everything, so you can do everything but you can do nothing alone. So, ask for support when you need it. I love you."
For more of Octavia, follow her on Instagram.
Shaunette Stokes, Attorney & Professor
Shaunette Stokes is a practicing attorney, licensed in the state of Florida. For the last four years, she's owned and managed her own law firm, Stokes Law Group, located in Tampa, Florida. She practices primarily Small Business Law and Intellectual Property Law, and is also a professor in the Paralegal Studies department at the local community college.
A Day in the Life:
"On my busiest days, I spend a significant amount of time in court for my cases that are in litigation. I like to schedule my court appearances in the morning in an effort to avoid losing any hours of productivity on other cases/client files. Ideally, I spend my mornings in court and my afternoons in the office working on client files unless I have a trial, in which case I am typically in court for a full day. On the days I do not go to court, I reward myself with an extra hour of sleep. I typically get in the office by 10:00 am and leave at around 4:00 pm to prepare my lectures for my evening classes at the local community college. Once class is over and all of my student meetings are complete, I get home around 9:00 pm. Most days, I continue working for a few hours once I arrive home."
How She Grew Into Self-Love & Self-Care:
"Prior to May 2018, I practiced Family Law, which is typically a highly litigated area of law and therefore a highly lucrative practice area as well. The courts have very strict rules and deadlines, which can have a serious impact on the outcome of your case. Not to mention the fact that the clients are going through an extremely life changing event for both themselves and their family, so emotions tend to run high. As a result of the nature of these cases, I dealt with a large amount of anxiety."
"My anxiousness did not come from a fear of failure but rather from a fear of disappointing my clients."
"Unfortunately, there is never a guarantee that the outcome will go as expected. At the end of the day, even if you win a Family Law case, no one really wins because it does not heal a broken family. Often times, I found myself absorbing my client's emotional burdens and would treat them as if they were my own issues. I was extremely stressed and unhappy but it took me five months and an actual panic attack for me to make the decision to stop accepting Family Law cases."
"For me, recognizing the need for help and making this huge decision to stop accepting cases in such a lucrative practice area was honestly the biggest self-care and self-love decision I have ever made."
How She Navigates Career & Mental Health:
"It has not been easy but I have learned that I have to put my personal wellbeing, and therefore self-care, first and foremost. The practice of law is very stressful and I strive to create a work environment in the office for both myself and my staff where self-care is a priority. At my firm, we take mental health days at least once a month to help decompress from work."
"In addition to taking mental health days, both myself and my staff have the flexibility to work remotely from home at least twice a week. This allows me the flexibility of taking care of myself while still ensuring that the work gets done. On days that I work remotely, I go to the salon and get my hair done or treat myself to a pedicure. I have structured my business in a way that I can work remotely and still reach a high level of productivity whether it's in my office, from the comfort of my own home, or at the salon."
"I also strive to make the effort to go to the gym at least three or four days out of the week. I have found that when I take the time to put myself first, I am not drained from work and oftentimes I am more productive."
Her Advice for Working Women:
"I would advise any working woman that is trying to juggle any combination of the three to take the time to put herself first. Period. In order to establish a healthy work-life balance, you should prioritize yourself and what is important to you. Do not feel guilty for taking a break and allowing yourself to rest. You cannot be at your best on a professional level if you are not physically and mentally at your best on a personal level."
"Love yourself. Care for yourself. Learn to take the time to make yourself a priority and reap the rewards."
For more of Shaunette, follow her on Instagram.
Alana Blaylock, Documentary Film Producer
Galore Mag
Alana Blaylock works in the Film & TV Industry as a Documentary Producer. Her job responsibilities vary from role to role, whether she's prepping for a shoot in the office, physically in the field working with talent, or sitting with editors in post-production putting episodes together. Working on Lebron James' docu-series, "Best Shot," helped her find her own redemption after a mental health breakdown.
A Day in the Life:
"When I'm not on a set, I usually wake up by 7 every day. I'm a morning person and enjoy being active when my brain is most fresh. After heading to the gym, I'll go to my local coffee shop and order a Matcha Latte, catch up on the news, read my horoscope, and a verse from my bible app for an inspiring message. Then, I'll head into the office around 9 to start whipping off emails in order to book talent and find locations for shoots. During the afternoon, I write creative documents to send to my team. Every day is different and every series I work on varies in content, so it's an exciting job! On a weekday night, I'll cook dinner at home and catch up on my shows. On the weekends, I'm usually traveling so my plans depend on the city I'm located in at the moment."
How She Grew Into Self-Love & Self-Care:
"After going through a rough period last year, my mood dropped and healthcare professionals diagnosed me with clinical depression and acute anxiety. I was forced to talk about traumas I had been quietly dealing with alone for years. After keeping my problems under wraps, I finally opened up to therapists to get emotional help. Today, I have a solid treatment team and I'm on the right medication, which helps tremendously."
"I go on mindful walks for reflection time and set aside time to work out to clear my head."
"I never want to experience the mental anguish I felt before again. That being said, I work really hard to keep a positive mindset and be around people who will uplift me. I recognize that every day is not going to be perfect, and I'm not going to be perfect every day. The old me was not that kind to herself and held unrealistic standards. Now, I'm gentle with myself and most importantly, patient with myself as part of my recovery."
How She Navigates Career & Mental Health:
"I have to admit that it's difficult finding stability in such a fast-paced business. You sometimes have to be ready for a job in 24 hours and get in shape. The old me used to be type A and panic when things weren't going my way. Now, I realize that everything works itself out and nothing is more sacred than my sanity. Keeping that in mind, I move ahead with confidence, grace and understanding that flexibility and agility are key."
Her Advice for Working Women:
"Don't panic - The world will not end if something does not go your way! Set aside personal time for 30 minutes a day at least, and don't keep things bottled up inside until you want to explode. Communicate to others your expectations of them and what you can realistically deliver to them in both your personal and professional life. If your gut is telling you that you need a break, you probably do. Running on fumes does not do anyone any good. Take that vacation with your girlfriends or go on a solo wellness retreat."
"Be intentional about your self-care and happiness."
For more of Alana, follow her on Instagram.
Alie Jones, Educator & Entrepreneur
Alie Jones is a body positive entrepreneur, teaching artist, and self-care advocate. She's an art teacher at an after school program in an East Oakland middle school who encourages her students to reflect on the influence that art can have on justice and healing. She's passionate about empowering youth to speak their truth, and cultivate artful expression. In her piece for Afropunk entitled, "How Revolutionary Self-Care Becomes An Act Of Radical Activism," Jones channels Audre Lorde, expressing how "self-care is an act of self-preservation," and a radical political right, encouraging young people to practice the revolutionary art of self-care.
A Day in the Life:
"My most chaotic and rewarding day of the week is Wednesday. I start my day with yoga or meditation. I grab my weekly planner and create a list of my three daily intentions and tasks to achieve them. In our program, we go from an hour of homework time, activity time, snack, and two enrichment classes. From work, I go home to shower, change, and eat dinner. After resetting, I head to my weekly spoken word open mic, Speak On It."
"Having a space to authentically express myself in my community is so rejuvenating."
How She Grew Into Self-Love & Self-Care:
"My mental wellness journey has been turbulent yet transformative. I battle high functioning anxiety and severe depression every day. Last April, I was haunted by thoughts of suicide. In a very dark space emotionally and didn't know how to ask for support when I needed it, I allowed my negative self talk to tear me down. These feelings were amplified after experiencing emotional abuse and sexual assault during my second time living in France."
"I told myself that if I was gone, it wouldn't matter to anyone."
"In an effort to foster communities of self-care and self-love, I started a creative collective in Oakland called Bodacious Bombshells. Being in spaces with other women of color who have struggled with body image and mental health, self-care has taught me to explore body acceptance and mindfulness. Through one on one and group therapy, I've examined how I cope and challenged my ideas of isolation with community."
How She Navigates Career & Mental Health:
"My self-care and professional life align so well. I create spaces to share the healing of aromatherapy, deep breathing, and processing through creative writing. When I put my wellness first, I'm able to encourage those around me to go the same. I'm fortunate enough to have a workplace that inspires me to keep going on my darkest days."
Her Advice for Working Women:
"My advice for women working to thrive is be who you are, love who you are. You have to make space for authentic living and love without conditions."
"Self-care has to be intentionally practiced."
"Your mental health is top priority, there is no way to be completely present at work or in your families unless you're taking time to recharge your batteries. Self-love is an active choice, hold space for recharge and reset."
For more of Alie, follow her on Instagram.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Fontaine Felisha Foxworth is a writer and creative entrepreneur from Brooklyn New York. She is currently on the West Coast working on creating a TV Pilot called "Finding Fontaine", that details the nomadic journey of her life so far. Keep up with her shenanigans @famoustaine on IG.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images