Getting Back To Happy: Jazmine Sullivan Shares Her Keys To Contentment
Jazmine Sullivan is living life.
No, she's not exclaiming the "You Only Live Once" mantra that many 20-somethings use to excuse crazy antics and questionable decisions. Instead, she's inhaling inspiration and exhaling fulfillment—embracing a life where she can travel the world, make lasting memories with friends, and, of course, get back to the music.
“You have to live in order to have material to write about," she says. “And when you write your own stuff, it's especially important that you have life experiences and fresh new things to talk about, and you can only get that through living."
It's refreshing to see the 30-year-old making a point to find happiness. Check her Instagram feed and she's flashing her pearly whites while doing everything from singing duets with Stevie Wonder to hitting the stage with fellow soul-singer Sam Smith.
It's a complete 180° from the Jazmine that we saw just a few years ago. Back in 2011, fans were caught by surprise when she took to Twitter to announce her abrupt departure from music before deleting the tweet an hour later:
“I'm making an official announcement that I am taking a break from music. I'm trying to figure out who I am…w/out a mike, paper, or pen. I promised myself when it wasn't fun anymore I wouldn't do it. And here I am. I'm not saying I won't ever sing again in my life becuz I don't believe that. But in this moment…rt now…got some things to figure out."
She describes this moment in interviews as a mandatory break to exterminate unnecessary things and people in her life. But in reality, it was much more than just a respite. It was a time to metaphorically kick back with a glass of wine, have a little one-on-one time with God, and do some much-needed soul-searching to figure out who she is and who she's destined to be.
It's no secret that the R&B songstress went through a period of depression as a result of her tumultuous relationship with her former boyfriend. Like many of us, she got lost in the idea of love—not realizing that the man of her dreams would one day become the source of her nightmares. It started off with words that left her questioning her worth, and elevated to blows that left her physically abused and emotionally broken.
As in many cases of domestic violence, she found it hard to leave the relationship. Perhaps it was the hope that things would one day get better, that the moments of animosity were just a fleeting phase, and that the possibility of a brighter future made the darkness of the past worth the fight. Or maybe it was one of those addictions that were just too hard to shake, leaving her relapsing back onto the rollercoaster of their relationship.
In the song “Forever Don't Last" off of her third album Reality Show released last year, she gives a brief peak into her thoughts during this period:
“I had her hopes for us baby/Like I was on dope for us baby/Chasing after a high that I'd never get back again."
She also reveals in an interview with “The Breakfast Club" that it wasn't until the guy slapped her so hard in the ear, causing her to momentarily lose her hearing, that she decided that it was time to pack up her baggage and leave the relationship. The idea of her possibly sacrificing what she worked so hard to build for someone who turned love taps into loveless lashes was nothing short of a wake-up call.
She did take with her one good thing from the relationship—inspiration. The album is filled with soulful ballads where she pens the story of her breakup, breakdown, and how she found peace with the idea that she is, indeed, a “Masterpiece." On the upbeat track, she croons “Every part of me is beautiful and I finally see I'm a work of art."
These days she's no longer consumed by what once was and is instead focused on what will be. As she draws closer to her 30s, she's more aware that she hasn't quite reached her desired level of success. Her debut album, Fearless, to-date has sold over 517,000 copies and earned her seven Grammy nominations for hit songs such as “Lions, Tigers, & Bears" and “Bust Your Windows," but she has yet to snag the coveted award.
Not that she's pointing fingers at anyone.
“I have to take responsibility for some stuff myself more. The fact that I took as long a break…It's a lot of things that go through my head, but right now I'm just focused on being the best that I can be and doing what I want, because I can get it. I can get what I want; I just have to do the work."
After a five-year hiatus, Sullivan is finally back on the scene and is on her hustle. The songstress in scheduled to appear at the Essence Festival in July, and earlier this month, she appeared on a new single titled, "Sideline" with fellow soul singer Niiaa which amped her fans up in anticipation that new music was on the way.
Although she's mum about whether she is officially working on any new music, she admits that she is collecting experiences to share on her forthcoming album.
“I'm just trying to be inspired naturally and jot things down that just come to me," she says.
She's also taking notes from some of her musical mentors such as Brandy, whom she says appears to be genuinely happy with the new phase of her life. The 'New Brandy,' she calls it. “It just seems like she did the work internally, and she is just now reaping the benefits from it. And I'm at the stage where I'm just starting to do the work."
Part of that “work" includes her taking the time to enjoy herself and appreciating this period of her life. While the pressure of marriage and babies have her checking her biological clock (she makes note that her mother was married with two kids by the time she was her age), she's making an effort not to compare her timeline with others and to just be grateful for what she does have—good friends, a supportive family, and an opportunity to get her life back in order.
Although she's toting a more positive mindset, she reminds us that she's still human and that there are many days that she feels overwhelmed as she deals with the weight of being in the industry and the stress of meeting self-assigned deadlines for the goals she looks to accomplish. Back in 2015, she half-joked in an Instagram post that her soccer mom bob had her feeling her age:
“I've been feeling real real soccer mom-ish with my bob lately. I'm not sure if it's the bob or what but I've just been feeling real...almost 30. And I still don't have my life together, so almost 30 scares me. The. Shit.Out. Of. Me! Any upper 20's people struggling with this age thing besides me?"
It's a battle between wanting to be great and realizing that the key to greatness lies within the journey. During those moments of questioning, she has to get real and put herself in check. Her mantras?
You are where you're supposed to be.
You're going to be good. Everything is fine. Be grateful!
Whatever you feel like you haven't figured out yet, you will figure it out. You gotta do the work though!
If this were an episode of Being Mary Jane, these would be statements worthy of a sticker on the mirror—a daily reminder that thoughts breed actions.
It's this new mentality that is the key to her contentment. She stresses the importance of making an effort to be happy, not because every day is going to be easy, but because in order to get what you want, you have to work for it. “It makes the quality of living so much better when you just appreciate where you are," she tells us. “Even if it's not the best, even if you're having hard times, just appreciate the fact that you're here."
And it doesn't take much to put a smile on her face. Just being around family and good girlfriends makes her more appreciative of life. She's currently back in Philly where she was born and raised, getting some much-needed love and laughter and reminiscing with her high school confidants about the days when the most stressful part of life was hitting the books and talking to boys. She's even considering going to her high school reunion, just to relive those cherished moments one last time.
Philly may not be where she makes her final home, but it's definitely allowing her to transition into the woman that she wants to be—one of confidence and clarity, and even a bit of wisdom.
To her younger self, she offers this advice:
“Just focus on the time that you have now. And appreciate everything that you have now and stop looking and trying to get older and looking for the next phase in your life."
Real words that only age and experience would enable her to speak.
And that's keeping it 100.
Interviewed by Soraya Joseph. Article updated and republished 5.21.2017
Featured image by Paras Griffin/Getty Images
Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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These 11 Married Couples Share Their Keys To Long-Term Marital Success
The late actor Audrey Hepburn once said something that I think a lot of married couples who have at least 10 years under their belt will agree with: “If I get married, I want to be very married.” In my mind, this means very committed, very complementary, and very willing to go the distance — otherwise, what’s the point?
Really, what’s the point?
Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
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4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
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7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
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9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
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Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
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Featured image by Jasper Cole/Getty Images