Fat And Flourishing: Embracing Weight Gain Taught Me Self-Love
On any given morning, you can find me fresh out of the shower, staring at myself. My natural inclination is to pick apart all of the imperfections looking back at me, wishing for a magic pill that can fix them all at once.
In the midst of this disgruntled mess, I start a private freestyle of positive body affirmations and eventually end up doing a happy dance until my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. All of this in an effort to practice self-love and undo years of critical thoughts about my body.
People don't look at me and think of me as obese. In fact, I'm mostly doused with compliments and kind remarks from those around me. Yet psychologically, I am constantly struggling to be fully content with my weight.
At 118 lbs, I was too skinny for boys to like me. I had no shape and my butt was nonexistent. In high school, my "boyfriend" broke up with me for a girl with the body of a grown woman because she was fine. "You've got potential," he said. "Give it 'til your senior year, and I'd bet all the guys like you."
I ate everything in sight in hopes of getting thick enough to be desirable.
At 130 lbs, I decided to tone up a bit so I began working out like crazy. Months passed, and as I stood in the mirror proud of my progress, a friend pinched my lower stomach and said, "You're doing good! If you could just lose this, you'd be straight."
Her words left an impact that makes me disgusted by my stomach no matter how flat it gets.
At 175 lbs, people started reminding me that I needed to save "room to grow" as I got older. Family members said, "You look good, but don't gain another pound." Others asked if I was expecting or had something I needed to share with everyone. Regardless of my weight, I was always "too" something – too big, too small, too shapely, too pudgy, too something.
Every now and then, the memories feature on Facebook would offer me random glimpses of myself from previous years, and I remember seeing a picture from 2011. I remember thinking, "I can't believe I thought I was fat then." Next, I ran across a swimsuit picture from 2005 and thought, "I'd kill to have those abs again."
As I reminisced through photos, I found things I loved about my body at each stage in my life. I realized that I'd found fault in myself simply based on the perceptions of others. This fault turned into an obsessive cycle of self-criticism that was unhealthy to my mental state.
I found myself turning every conversation into an opportunity to talk about the things that were wrong with me. I realized that I was a hypocrite. I was always the girl who would walk into the room dishing out compliments to everyone else, meanwhile inwardly being mean to myself. Upon my newfound realization, I made the decision to love the skin I'm in no matter what.
The words of men, friends, and family made me feel captive in the body I was blessed with. I always found myself wanting to trade with someone else until those Facebook memories taught me that there is freedom in being me. At every stage of my weight, there was something to be thankful for and something to be proud of.
It's my own responsibility to esteem myself.
I'd given that power away each time I'd attempted a metamorphosis, or wished for a different body based on the actions of someone else. I decided to take my power back by making a conscious decision to see the best in me every day – denying my natural inclination to be critical of myself.
Bad habits die hard. Some days, I fail horribly but others, I knock it out of the park in terms of developing a positive self-image. Either way, I'm trying. And each day, I am learning a new level of self-love by being thankful for the present version of me. I haven't used a scale in a few months now. The number that pops up doesn't determine how I should view myself.
People will always have their opinions, but as for me, I plan to flourish regardless of how my weight ebbs and flows.
Whether you're 100 lbs or 300 lbs, love yourself girl or nobody else will. We are fearfully and wonderfully made, so make strides to be the best version of yourself. Just don't forget to enjoy the transformation along the way.
Reaching your goals means acknowledging your constant journey, not just the destination.
Kandice Guice is a lifestyle and beauty writer who doubles as an attorney and entrepreneur. She prides herself on helping multidimensional women discover personal and professional fulfillment by encouraging them to live with ambition, sass, and a whole lot of pizzazz. When Kandice isn't closing corporate transactions or writing blog posts, she is usually cheering on her husband as a football coach or looking for new travel adventures with friends and family. Check her out at kandiceguice.com and follow her on all things social @kandiceguice.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Stress Awareness Month: Sneaky Workplace Triggers Affecting Black Women, And How To Cope
We all know about the major stress triggers of everyday life, from relationship woes to monthly bills to unexpected emergencies, but there are small, subtle triggers that impact Black women in a big way, especially when it comes to work. It’s good to be aware of these sneaky stressors in order to maximize your day and find ways to incorporate solutions into your self-care routines.
Since it’s Stress Awareness Month, we caught up with Keanne Owens, LCSW, founder of Journey To Harmony Therapy Center, to talk about these triggers and what Black women can do to manage and cope.
Owens is an experienced South Florida-based counselor and social worker who offers her services via Grow Therapy, a therapy and medication management platform. She has worked with Black women professionals to unpack issues related to workplace stressors. “One is the pressure to perform–having to meet deadlines and deliverables. And a lot of times, these subtle stressors from performance are put upon ourselves as Black women. We want to make sure we’re doing our best. We don’t want to be critiqued in certain ways.”
Excessive micromanagement leading to fear of overly critical bosses is another subtle trigger that can negatively impact Black women in the workplace.
“Whenever something is done wrong, or we experience some type of injustice and have to report it, it’s the fear of retaliation–[fear that] we won’t be taken seriously or [our words] will be taken out of context because of being deemed as the ‘angry Black woman,’” she said.
Black Women And Workplace Stress Triggers
Her sentiments are backed by research. A recent report by Coqual found that 28% of Black women (compared to 17% of White men) say their supervisor uses “excessive control or attention to detail” when managing them. There’s more: A survey by the National Employment Law Project found that Black workers were “more likely to have concerns (80 percent) and twice as likely as white workers (18 percent) to have unresolved concerns at work, with 39 percent reporting they were “not satisfied with the employer’s response or did not raise concerns for fear of retaliation.”
The survey also found that 14 percent of Black respondents said they “avoided raising concerns to their employer for fear of retaliation—more than twice the average rate of 6 percent for all survey respondents.”
Owens pointed to the fact that these subtle stress triggers can negatively impact our physical health and our career advancement. “A lot of time it’ll affect our productivity,” Owens added. “We start to have negative thoughts of ourselves. The stressors can also cause fatigue. We’re no longer meeting or working up to our desired potential.” Other challenges as a result include insomnia and increased insolation, withdrawal, and lack of motivation to apply for jobs or promotions even when qualified.
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How To Manage Subtle Stress Triggers
While there are systemic issues at play for Black women at work that has less to do with us and more to do with major overhauls that must be addressed by the powers that be, there are steps we can take for the betterment of ourselves and our mental health. Owens offered the following tips:
Tap into a support system, whether it’s a coworker you trust, a family member, an organization, or an outlet like a hobby.
Create a good work-life balance before burnout even starts. “Having certain boundaries [is the goal] such as, for example, if you get off at 5, you get off at 5. If your job description is this, you don’t go above and beyond because that brings you to a lot of burnout,” Owens said.
Prioritize self-care, whatever that means for you. “If you don’t have a routine, create one. Practice mindfulness and even some meditation,” she added.
Create structure in your life outside of work. “Even if you have a family, applying some structure in your routine helps relieve stress,” she said.
Get into grounding techniques. “Do a real quick square breathing exercise, that’s literally 30 seconds, or you can do a grounding technique that’s less than two minutes, right there where you are. You don’t need any other materials. That’s something you can do with just yourself and your body.”
Ask for help. “As Black women, we don’t ask for help enough,” she said. “Find where you need to ask for help. A lot of times, people think that’s indicative of weakness, but we need to rewrite that narrative. It’s okay to ask for help where you see fit. [If] you’re a mom, [it could be] every Wednesday from 5 to 6, your children are with the dad. You have to carve out that time.”
For more information on Grow Therapy, visit their website. You can also find out more about Keanne Owens, LCSW, via BeginYourJourneyToHarmony.com.
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Featured image by Charday Penn/Getty Images