Expectations Vs. Reality: Why Letting Go Of Expectations Is The Best Way To Win At Dating
Welcome to my group text thread — a four person squad of gawds, consisting of me and my three guy friends.
Between memes and voice memos, the thread doubles as a two-way mirror for dating between the sexes. I see myself in heels of the women they date and on the flipside, they share a male perspective on my own dating wins and woes. Last week, one of the guys relayed a tale about going out with a woman who led too hard with “what she expects" on the first date. Their date night went more like a business interview for a role in her life, rather than a meet-up to explore mutual interest in each other. Her “agenda" for dinner covered her likes and dislikes yet magically failed to include any inquiries about him. When they finally got to the Q & A segment of the night, her questions weren't open-ended — instead she asked “yes" or “no" questions to determine if he was a qualified candidate. Ultimately, this led him to cut her, and her action items short with this line:
“Look, I'm not trying to date your expectations."
How profound. A true king. Voice of a generation. In one line, he had artfully expressed a common conundrum in dating: women expressing their expectations. When it comes to women and our expectations, they're either too high, too low, unclear, expressed too soon, or shared too late — after the damage is done. Aside from broken hearts and bruised egos, there are actually legit strategies to communicating your expectations without ruining brunch. Here's my personal toolkit.
Take the friends until further notice approach.
When you met your closest homegirls, did you say, "Okay, I expect you to share your darkest secrets with me, support me emotionally and answer my 3:00 a.m. 'Girl tell me why…' texts?" No. You had mutual interests, you hung out and learned y'all had shared values, and then voila, your girl gang got in formation.
Same thing applies for your new guy. He's a friend. Listen to how he talks, how he presents himself. Find out what he cares about. Even if he appears to check off the boxes of what you're looking for in a partner, he's just a friend until he actually delivers on those boxes.
At times, our girls don't even check off the boxes for what we look for in friendships. Decide which expectations are adaptable, and which ones are non-negotiable. If he's your friend first, you will know whether he meets-or is interested in meeting-your expectations before you even have to state them. Which brings me to my next point.
Real expectations move in silence.
Don't wait until you pull up to McDonald's to tell him you deserve filet mignon. If he believes that you deserve Mcdonald's, then you need to come through with the value meal version of you. What this looks like is less investment, less attention, and less prioritization on growing your friendship. He's showing you what he's ready for and what he's about. If you're not impressed, pull back. From there, he will either step it up or in the midst of pulling back, you'll find fulfillment elsewhere.
Boundaries are a girl's best friend.
Boundaries and expectations are two sides of the same coin. Setting boundaries helps to implicitly (and explicitly) communicate what you will and won't allow from a potential partner. If you're new to it, it can be awkward and uncomfortable at first, hang in there! Setting and committing to your boundaries protects your peace and keeps everyone on the same page. One of my own boundaries is that I don't spend the night with anyone I haven't established a certain level of intimacy with yet. For me, intimacy means we have an understanding of who we are and what we're after. Why? Because I'm big on “laying up" and having lazy Saturday mornings that slip into afternoon routines in each other's company. For most people, that's a lot of contact but luckily, I'm not interested in dating those types of people.
Drawing my boundary at whatever time I decide to Cinderella myself back to the comfort of my own home does several things. Most importantly, it encourages conversation about my expectations. “Hey why don't you just stay the night?" If I'm not into him yet, the answer is “I've got a busy day/early morning" — even if I'm doing nothing. If I'm into him it's, “I'm not there with you yet." At that point we usually either discuss what “there" means or he can now decide if “there" is something to work toward or not.
Boundaries help me “stay present." I can enjoy the evening in his company without over-thinking about whether he's a sleep-late-spend-the-day-together kind of guy. For me to wake up there, we'd either have to plan for it or he'd have to explicitly communicate his wants. Having boundaries removes the pressure and shifts responsibility of discussing expectations from just me to us both.
Ultimately, leveraging my boundaries during the getting-to-know-you process helps me weed out people that are not interested or capable of meeting my expectations. Think of it like this: be clear and committed to your boundaries so that you (and he!) may be intentional and open in your friendship.
He may come up short, and it's okay.
Don't be so afraid that the bar is too high that you either lower it or blurt all your expectations out in a three-minute speech over chicken and waffles. Your expectations, however high they are, can stay right there. When our friends suck, we have two options: commit it to memory and act accordingly or, cut them off. You cannot be afraid of losing a friend, we're all leaving this thing alone. In fact, the best part about having friends is that they are a renewable resource.
As with anything, these aren't strict guidelines on how to go about getting what you deserve. These tools are for you to consider, and tailor to your own world and relationships. The key to communicating and ultimately managing your expectations is to reflect on why you have them and make sure that you live them.
No one will ever take your expectations seriously if you don't honestly believe that you are deserving of them. Remember: You are.
*Article originally published on Medium
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- People Unfold: Let Go Of the Assumptions & Expectations 'Snapshot ... ›
- Are Your Expectations Setting You Up for Disappointment? ›
- Unrealistic Dating Expectations From Social Media ›
- Letting Go of Expectations & Pursuing What You Really Want ›
- 5 Steps to Letting Go of Expectations - Simply + Fiercely ›
CultClassiq is your very own wing woman, committed to finding the answers to life's most annoying dating questions. Follow her on Twitter/Instagram at @CultClassiq and visit https://medium.com/@CultClassiq to keep up!
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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If you’re like many other people who are prioritizing wellness these days, then attending a wellness retreat might be something to consider. Wellness retreats are a cool way to get the relaxation you’ve been missing in a space with like-minded people who share a common goal. I descended upon my first wellness retreat, the Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat, a couple of weeks ago at the Zoëtry Agua Punta Cana Resort in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.
Zoëtry Agua is part of the Inclusive Collection for the World of Hyatt. It is nestled on a secluded part of Uvero Alto beach, which has crystal blue waters. The resort itself is picturesque, with its thatched roofs and lazy rivers that make you feel like you’re in a cute little village.
Mindy, Body, + Sol Retreat was hosted by Koya Webb, holistic health and wellness coach and yoga instructor, and it also featured other wellness practitioners who combined provided the ultimate gift of relaxation and getting back to oneself.
The first night was a Welcome Dinner that featured a five-course meal and an opportunity to meet our companions for the next three days. The food was impeccable and the only downside was that I wasn’t able to finish it all. The next day, however, was the official start of the classes, and I was ready to dive in.
Aura and Chakra Reading
Aura and chakra reading
Photo courtesy
My first class was an aura and chakra reading led by Laura McCann and James Levinson, an Asheville, NC couple. I’ve had chakra readings before, but never like this. There was a computer, a camera, and a scanner, which I placed my hand on for the reading. After two minutes, I received a 15-page report explaining my aura and chakra reading.
It breaks down what the colors of your aura are and what your chakras say. My main colors were green and yellow, which were defined by a variety of things. The top of my aura was green, meaning I have a social mental state and I’m a natural healer. My aura on my left side was yellow meaning my energy flowing is optimistic and light and so on.
After James discussed the findings with me, I then met with Laura, who gave me aromatherapy oils from their ADORAtherapy line that represented each chakra. She further explained the results of my chakra reading and shared how each oil can assist. Chakras are the energy centers in our body, and there is a total of seven: root, sacral, solar plexus, heart, throat, third eye, and crown. All of my chakras were high except for my heart chakra, which I have since been working on. I may follow up about that in another article.
Sound Bath
Sound bath class
Photo courtesy
Next was the sound bath class. It was located in the spa, which was indoor/ outdoor and the perfect setting for this kind of experience. Andrew Francis and Carrie Bailey of Zenden Meditation were the co-pilots in transporting attendees into a place of tranquility. I laid down, closed my eyes, and allowed the sounds around me to bring me into a relaxing state. From the singing bowls to the wind chimes, I was in heaven. I even fell asleep and got some of the best rest I’ve had in a while. It was a beautiful experience. However, remember when I noted it was an indoor/ outdoor venue? I forgot to put on bug spray and woke up pretty itchy. But it didn’t stop me from enjoying the moment.
Tea Party
Art of Tea Ritual Tea Party
Photo courtesy
The last event of the day was the Art of Tea Ritual located in the resort’s tea garden. It was everything you could want in a tea party. Delectable treats such as cookies, cakes, and white chocolate-covered strawberries, which are my fave. And, of course, tea. While I got to sip tea, I also got to make my own tea blend. There were many different teas to choose from, like hibiscus to your regular black tea. I decided to mix rose and mint and I called it RoseMint. I didn’t get to try my tea blend until I got home, and I’ll be honest, it’s probably the best tea I ever had. The tea herbs taste so fresh, and I love how fragrant it smells.
Breathwork
Breathwork Class
Photo Courtesy
The next morning was all about breathwork. If you exercise regularly, then you probably know the importance of breathing. But there’s more to it besides remembering to breathe during your workout. Margaret Townsend is a breathwork facilitator who helps people achieve wellness by consciously changing their breathing patterns. In her class, I learned to change my breathing pattern for energy as well as for relaxation. While I know that breathing is a relaxation tool, I was blown away to learn that it can also energize you. Because it was a different breathing pattern, I was also able to stay present and keep a steady pace.
Yoga
Koya Webb's yoga class
Photo courtesy
The final class of the retreat was evening yoga with Koya Webb, who, as I mentioned earlier, was the host. Her class was held beside the beautiful Uvero Alto beach, which made for a stunning backdrop and the perfect way to end the retreat. It was important for me to get back into my body after not doing yoga for a few weeks, so I was really focused on nailing the moves. However, Koya kept the energy light and fun, evening cracking a few jokes throughout, which made it easy for me to relax and enjoy the moment. She ended the class with a dance break and hugs from our classmates.
The Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat reminded me how important it is to take time to love on myself. Each class was an opportunity to be present and get reacquainted with oneself in the most loving way. Being surrounded by individuals who encouraged my journey was what I needed, and I am so honored to have had this experience.
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