How An Eat, Pray, Love Journey Led Me To Find Mr. Right At Home
I mean true dates from hell. From the brotha taking me to a funeral to the IHOP disaster that led to dude walking out on the check, I have been through it. So after the 50th disappointment I made a half-hearted proclamation,
“I don’t want a man anymore. I resolve just to be a free spirit and travel the earth.”
That’s what I told myself days before my 31st Birthday. The truth was I was beyond frustrated with the dating scene, so I planned my first solo trip, my first plane ride, and my first time out of the country all in one. I was going to Jamaica. Stella was going to find her groove. The trip was partially crafted in defiance of the “settle down and be still until he finds you” discussions I’d recently had with family and friends. The “if you do everything now what will you have to experience with husband?” argument annoyed me. It fueled my resolve. Every Instagram post was earmarked #travelismyboyfriend.
However, I secretly had a newly revised January 2015 husband character list that was extensive and specific. I suppose deep down I was always a hopeless romantic, though my “emancipated from patriarchy” banner waved high and free (and still does for that matter). It started when I was a little girl. I obsessed over a scene in the action movie Face/Off where John Travolta runs his hand over his wife and son's faces as a way of saying, “I love you.” I was 12 when I first saw the movie but I asked God, “Let me know when I meet my husband, because he will know what it means when I run my hand over his face like in ‘Face/Off’.” I would test this theory with every man I dated from that time forward, but I never found one who knew what it meant. I thought God thought my request was silly. However, with my new found preoccupation with greeting blue water and white sands for the first time I put dating and marriage thoughts on the back burner.
Two days before I left for Jamaica I was hitting the delete button on all of my online dating profiles. Just a few months before I’d cast a wide dating net. My failures in the dating scene definitely wasn’t for lack of trying! I had SEV-ER-AL dating sites poppin’. I went to after work mixers, joined new social circles, and paid for a local gym subscription. Everything I read on lifestyle blogs and Demetria Lucas (of Belle In Brooklyn) told me to do to put myself in the optimal atmosphere of being ‘chosen’ chile’, I was doing it!
But the fish that bit weren’t it. So, two days before my departure I gave up trying force a meeting with Mr. Right. I was about to click the delete button on my last dating profile when a brother with a great lonely dimple and a teddy bear face popped up on my screen. After much internal debate, I dismissively sent him one line, “I like your face.” 11 hours of conversation later, we’d agreed to meet for a first date. He was amazing, but there was no time for boo loving! I was leaving for Jamaica the next morning.
While in Jamaica, I met God at sunrise on the beach with prayer. I ate my way into a frenzy. I climbed waterfalls, rode camels, trod through the sea horseback. I also talked to – we will call him Teddy - every day I was there. When I returned home, he was waiting for me. I’d find out that we went to the same college the same year. We had a mutual friend who never introduced us. We danced around each other for years! But I still needed a direct sign. One night after a really deep conversation about God and family on a jungle gym in the park, I decided to try the spirit. I ran my hand over his face as I’d seen in the movie Face/Off.
I swear I saw a shocked look on his face and my heart starting beating fast at the prospect of him actually knowing what I just did. So, I swallowed my nerves and asked, “You don’t know where that is from, do you?” He answered me, “Yes, Face/Off.” I held my breath. Then he said the sweetest words I ever heard, “And Danielle, I love you, too.”
Well baaaaabbby, six months later and not a single day apart I didn’t hesitate to say, “GRACIOUS GOD YES!” As the girl who thought she would never get married marches her way to the altar, there are three important things I learned on my journey.
1. Approach Dating Like a Traveler
I stopped caring. I’m not saying go out without brushing your teeth, but I was carefree on my first date with Teddy. I didn’t have an expectations because I was too high on the fact that I was leaving the country the next day. He said from the time he turned on the car radio and I started dancing, I eased his nerves and he was hooked. Being your authentic self will draw your match to love the whole you.
[Tweet "Being your authentic self will draw your match to love the whole you."]
Still, I approached dating as if I was just passing through, which translated as mysteriously confident and not overbearing desperation. I didn’t translate our first date into “is this my husband?” as I had countless times before. I remember laughing until I snorted, which would have been my kiss of death on any other date. But with Teddy, I was no longer worried about impression. I was free. Being you is your greatest asset. You want him to be attracted to the authentic you because otherwise he’d commit to a fraud.
2. Your List May Be Flawed
I have written about how I wanted what my girls and I called a “suit”. Translation: a corporate brotha who is the smooth, briefcase toting type. It definitely wasn’t my wonderful ex jock who has opened my car door every day since I met him. I almost missed out. Your list is FLAWED and if you only accept what’s on your list, you will get EXACTLY what you ask for, but it may not be what you need.
[Tweet "If you only accept what’s on your list you'll get what you ask for, but it may not be what you need."]
I watched an episode of Black Love on FYI, where Monet Bell (a former wife on Married at First Sight) said she wanted an “old fashioned” man. She got what she asked for. She married a man who wanted her to cook, clean and raise the kids. It wasn’t what she was looking for and it wasn’t until a therapist corrected her word choice that she realized her mistake. “You want a gentleman, not a man with old fashioned values.” Sometimes when we write or verbalize what we are looking for, we are asking for the wrong thing. Be open and flexible to the fact that your list may have flaws and allow him the space to evolve just like you are.
3. You Will Know
People will say a host of things. “You need to date for two years to be sure. You don’t really know someone until you live with them. You have to wait for the honeymoon period to wear off. How will you know if its infatuation or love?” Joining your life to someone else is a commitment. I’ve met people who’ve had arranged marriages and have lasted for 50 years. In a world that puts more value on chemistry than commitment, it’s easy to get caught up in the Whitney, “How Will I Know?” track and never be convinced or satisfied. The truth is there is nothing that can change the mind of a man or woman who is committed to commitment. Commitment yields consistency and consistency builds trust. There is also a gut feeling. The same gut feeling that makes you hold back from completely trusting, Mr. Wrong is the same gut feeling that catapults you forward in knowing Mr. Right.
When I gave up searching for him and traveled to learn more about myself, I met my him by accident. When you embrace the unique and divinely made person that is YOU, it attracts all the things that are dancing around your door. LIVE intentionally and love incidentally.
Danielle Kimberly is a Jersey girl and a health & wholeness educator. Read her humorous & habit forming stories for women of faith on www.luxevoyage.org. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @dannikimberly.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage