Jill Scott Is Armed & Ready For the Post-Divorce Dating World Thanks To This List
Sometimes you've got to learn the hard way. In life and in love, some lessons won't get through until you really go through it. Believe me, I know. Some may call it "hard headed" or deem me a hopeless romantic, but after all the pain and frustration of divorce and trying to get back on the dating scene, I've learned more about myself than from any man out here. Mainly I've learned more about my own set of deal breakers and how to spot the truth-telling red flags. Now I'm trying to lean into the lessons and up my f*ckboy repellant.
For Jill Scott, she is coming to terms with the lessons she's learned after a tumultuous marriage and subsequent divorce battle. Even though this was her second try at marriage, based on her most recent post on Instagram, she is still open to finding true love. But this time around, she will NOT be used.
The singer reposted a meme detailing a list of things all ladies (and gents, I see you) should look out for when playing your cards in the dating game. Let's talk about it:
Believe Patterns Not Apologies
I'm typically a forgiving person by nature, and over the years I've learned that the manipulators can read it all over my face. In the dating world, when you're getting to know someone, all you really have to go by are their words and actions. So if he's on his fifth "I'm sorry I didn't call you like I said I would", it might be time to let that one go. Like Maya Angelou says, "When someone SHOWS you who they are, believe them." Check for the patterns and act accordingly.
Don't Fall in Love With Potential
Whew chile, this is a whole word all by itself. We fall in love with potential so often that we don't even realize it. He has the potential to be ready for a committed relationship if he would just give up the other women he's checking for. He has the potential to do great things with his life if he would just do x, y and z. Listen sis, we all have potential but potential doesn't always materialize. It's one thing to cut a dude some slack while he's grinding towards a better future, but hoping someone will change just for you is a whole waste of time.
Believe All "Red Flags"
We can recognize the red flags all day, but what are we doing with this information outside of complaining about them? They say that in the first few months of dating, everyone is on their best behavior. I've come to believe that regardless of this, people start to show their hand pretty quickly if we use our ability to tap into every woman's superpower: intuition. If something doesn't feel right or seems a little "off", recognize that feeling and do a little research if you have to. Take note of the red flags, because there's nothing wrong with combining your intuition with a little investigative skills.
Know Your Worth
If you've spent any time on this site, then you'll know that understanding your own worth and value is the ultimate currency.
When we don't know how truly valuable we are, we might fall victim to folks that will try to take advantage of our own devalued self-image. We have to do the work, write the intentions, and love the reflection in the mirror more than anyone else. So if no one told you today, you are beautiful, you are fabulous, and you deserve all of your hearts desires in this lifetime. Don't settle for less!
Don't Lower Your Standards
It's okay to have standards, contrary to the opinions of the generic f*ckboys out here. We need to be aware of our own personal standards, make a list, and refuse to waver. Jill hopped in her own comment section to give us the perfect spin on what her standards are and why everyone's list will be different. She says:
Instagram / @missjillscott
"Note – Your standards are not everyone else's. I won't do Uncle Daddies – the ones that call every now and then; who see their children a few times a year. THAT is one I just don't respect. Lack of respect is a dry bobby. I prefer a juicy existence. Ya dig? Or someone who is disrespectful to their parents. Nor can I do broke/broken yet comfortable. Nah. Write YOUR list. Sometimes it's better to know what you don't want."
With this list, we can do a better job of taking stock of the men in our lives and hopefully avoid a lot of heartache. Do you have your own list of non-negotiables? What would you add to this list?
Featured image by Shelly Wall / Shutterstock.com
Michelle Schmitz is a writer and editor based in Washington, DC originally from Ft Lauderdale, FL. A self-described ambivert, you can find her figuring out ways to read more than her monthly limit of The New York Times, attending concerts, and being a badass, multi-tasking supermom. She also runs her own blog MichelleSasha.com. Keep up with her latest moves on IG: @michellesashawrites and Twitter: @michellesashas
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Another season of Love Is Blind has come to a close, and almost two months later we’re still unpacking the drama that is Clay and AD. The finale, reunion, and post-interviews with Clay and AD after season six of Love Is Blind left millions of people wondering - why couldn’t AD see the signs? Clay told her he had a fear of marriage, his parents experienced infidelity, and he seemed to have many doubts about saying, "I do."
After changing his mind at the altar and hearing AD question why she feels like she’s never enough, I was finished watching. I didn’t need to hear anything else because, at that moment, I realized this wasn’t about Clay; this was about AD feeling inadequate before she ever met Clay.
If I’m honest, I don’t watch much dating television. TikTok keeps me updated with the clips that I need to see in order to be kept in the loop, but it’s difficult for me to watch an entire season of dating TV because seeing Black women settle for less and questioning their beauty is a trigger for me. In many ways, there were points in my life where I was AD, settling and ignoring red flags because I wanted to be loved.
Now, on the other side, it doesn’t feel good to see Black women lower their standards on national television. There have been many hot takes on this couple and who was in the wrong. Did Clay play in AD’s face or did she not listen to the truth of what he told her from day one? Was his reason for joining the show to promote his business and not to find the one?
We’ll never know the truth, but what we can do is learn tactics to better our self-worth. Founder and CEO of The Self Love Organization Denise Francis shared her expertise with xoNecole on what tangible steps to take to improve feelings of worthiness. “Self-love blooms in a garden where self-worth is planted, nourished, and whole. However, when your self-worth is challenged, displaced, or broken, it could be difficult to rebuild," Denise explains.
How To Rebuild Self-Worth
During her self-love coaching sessions, Denise likes to walk her clients through the cornerstones of rebuilding self-worth: grace and self-compassion. To her, self-worth is never lost, it's only displaced, so practicing self-compassion and giving yourself grace is a must. "We tend to place our self-worth in entities and people of ourselves such as relationship status, physical appearance, material possessions, social media followings, what others think of us, and more. Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth.
"Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth."
"When we place our value into people or things, we tend to feel that we are not enough, worth it, special, or important when relationship status, job titles, friendships, and physical appearances are lost or changed. We then tend to feel lost within ourselves because we’ve placed our value outside of ourselves. Using grace and compassion, you can rebuild your self-worth by returning home to who you are at your core," she concludes.
How To Return Home To Yourself
Denise advises taking a step back and using self-reflection through journaling by answering the following journaling prompts:
First, ask yourself, "What do you tend to attach your self-worth to and why?"
Is it your relationships, your job title, your finances, your appearance, etc.? Why do you think you place so much emphasis on external status? How does it make you feel when you are defining yourself through these entities and/or people outside of yourself?
Then, ask yourself, "Without these things, who am I?"
Once you have your answers, show yourself kindness, remove the shame, and, as Denise says, "Redefine yourself by detaching your value from the things and people you have no control over and no longer serve you. Challenge yourself to define yourself outside of titles and societal values."
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person. You begin to find value in the way you love instead of your relationship status, your compassion instead of your popularity, your drive instead of your income/job title, and your heart instead of your physical appearance," she adds.
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person."
"Be intentional with healing your self-worth by leaning into the people and things that nourish your core values. Surround yourself with the people who love and cherish you, they will always remind you just how valuable you truly are."
It all goes back to self-compassion and grace. As Denise explains, leading with those two things as you heal and rebuild your self-worth allows you to reduce negative self-talk that might come up for you. "This weakens thoughts like, 'I am not enough... why am I never enough?'" she shares, "And 'I don't deserve this while strengthening thoughts like 'I deserve better,' 'I am enough,' and 'I am worth it.'"
Denise continues, "Once you return home and remember the irreplaceable person you are, you can rebuild your self-worth by placing it back where it belongs. It belongs to you."
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Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images