Find Your Soulmate With These Tips From Love Expert Diann Valentine
Let's face it, this generation could stand to learn a thing or two about real love, genuine commitment, and creating a solid foundation with someone.
While we're busy swiping right and left and engaging in this month's latest situationship, we rarely take the time to create authentic, lasting bonds with one another (Quite frankly that is rarely encouraged in our society anyway). Luckily for us, love expert, wedding planner, and author, Diann Valentine is here to help us maneuver through our chaos-filled dating lives and find the love we all desperately deserve. With her platform, she aims to show everyone still looking for genuine love that it is indeed still out there - you just have to be willing to do the work, and go the distance for it.
Whether you've seen her dropping knowledge on The Steve Harvey talk show, planning the weddings of Nas, Usher, or Toni Braxton (just to name a few of her famous clientele), or even hosting her new Bravo series To Rome For Love, love expert Diann Valentine is full of all the relationship gems you need to know.
From acknowledging the red flags early on in relationships, being realistic with your standards or how we view sex and dating, Valentine shows us a realistic approach in dating and finding love. But out of all the great love advice she shared, she continues to emphasize the importance of self-love and how the relationship with one's self, is still the most important.
"I believe that in order to find the love that we so desire, we have to make sure that we are doing the self-work on ourselves. Being the best version of ourselves is what is going to attract the love you want and need in your life"
Doing the work on yourself is the key to ultimately becoming the best version of yourself, which can lead to your lasting love.
In her new book Going The Distance For Love, Valentine breaks down 22 tips on how we should handle our own internal issues and be open to finding love wherever it may be, because it is in fact possible. Although it may not seem like it, in a world full of too many f*ckboys and too many commitment phobes, Valentine proves to us all that real love is still out there, we just have to be patient, be open and be willing to go the distance for it. Here's what else Valentine had to say.
What would you say to the women who have completely given up on love?
Never, ever, ever give up on love. It is the natural order of existence for human beings to be in relationship with one another. We were all conceived in love, and we all have an innate desire to love and be loved. It is the most beautiful gift you will ever receive, but it is important that you are ready to receive it when it shows up.
What should we be looking for in a potential life partner?
I think that checklists are important, but it is equally important to make sure that your checklist includes character requirements and not so much about someone's physicality. It should be easy to love someone who loves you and treats you well.
What are some red flags women should be aware of while dating?
(1) Men that do not keep their word and have too many broken agreements. (2) Previous spouses, girlfriends, and children's mothers that are still in his life but you cannot meet them. (3) If he has too many women that he refers to as his "little sister" but you have not met any of them. (4) If everyone knows that the man you are seeing is a hoe. In most cases, you cannot rehab a hoe into a husband.
"In most cases, you cannot rehab a hoe into a husband."
How can women "do better" when it comes to finding and maintaining healthy relationships?
The best way to find and keep love is to make sure you are constantly working to be your best self. When you are a woman that is confident and full of self-love, has found balance between career and a personal life, and has learned how to LIVE this life, she is naturally going to attract those qualities back into her life. Bad relationships are often a mirror reflection of our own shortcomings.
What should women focus on during their single years?
(1) Confronting past hurt and pain so that they can leave their baggage in the past where it belongs. Oh, and we all have baggage, just various versions of it. (2) Learning to love yourself and knowing that you cannot make anyone else happy if you are unhappy with who you are so if you don't like something change it. (3) Setting and reaching career and personal goals. An established woman is not looking for someone to take care of her. Rather, she is looking for someone to complement her life.
"An established woman is not looking for someone to take care of her. Rather, she is looking for someone to complement her life."
Is love really worth fighting for or should it come easy if it's real love?
This is a great question and I am asked this all the time. I do not believe that love is hard and requires that we fight for it. I once believed this until I started studying healthy, loving relationships and found my own. Love is supposed to be easy [because] when you have been waiting for something all of your life and it shows up, why should you have to fight for it? We only fight when there is an imbalance in the mutual desire for love. My husband is everything I dreamed my husband would be and more, and I love him more and more as each day passes. He is my best friend and loving him is the easiest thing in my life.
What's your advice for divorced women hoping to find love again?
(1) Heal your past hurt and pain and often guilt from your divorce. (2) Get back out in the dating scene as quickly as you can. Things may have changed a bit since you last dated but it's just like riding a bike and it will all come back to you. You might be older but so are the men that you will be dating. (3) Do not hold every new man you meet responsible for the damage that was caused my your ex-husband.
How should single mothers approach the dating scene?
Carefully. I do think that younger children adjust faster to new people in their lives but cautiously introduce them to a new love interest. Establish boundaries that will protect your child and make sure that anyone that you are dating is clear about those boundaries upfront. Do not expect any new man to be an instant stepfather to your child.
Do you believe in soulmates?
Yes. Absolutely. I also believe that you might have more than one. There is a time and a season for everything in this life and God may send you someone different for a new season in your life. Now, I am not saying that we all have a dozen soulmates, but it may be possible that some of us have more than one.
"There is a time and a season for everything in this life and God may send you someone different for a new season in your life."
How should women heal and eventually love again after heartache?
Confront your issues head on. Stop being in denial that you even have any issues in the first place. Seek counseling. Move on...
How do you know when you've found your life partner?
Also a great question. I am not a big fan of judging by your feelings because your heart can deceive you. I think it is important to know what are the qualities you were looking for in a life partner so that when you meet someone, you will not judge the fate of your future with them based on how much he makes your liver quiver.
For more advice on love, check out Diann's book Going The Distance For Love. And be sure to give her a follow on Instagram.
If you have any questions that you'd like to have Diann answer, email them to submissions@xonecole.com. Your question could be answered in an upcoming #AskDV feature and answered by the love expert herself!
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Ashley McDonough is a writer and producer in New York City. When she's not busy writing or producing culturally conscious content, she is patiently waiting for Oprah and Stedman to adopt her. Keep up with her journey via social @Ashley_Milani or check out her work on www.AshleyMcDonough.org.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy