Self-Love Advocate Derrick Jaxn On Sex, Love & Relationships
I'm almost certain every woman has wasted precious time and energy in dating a f-ckboy at least once in her lifetime (myself included).
And although we'll never get that time back, Derrick Jaxn, self love ambassador and healthy relationship guru gives us all hope that good men still DO exist. Thankfully, f-ckboys are not our only option.
I first discovered Derrick Jaxn while casually scrolling on Instagram, and stumbled upon one of his weekly relationship discussions. I remember initially thinking, "He's so handsome" shortly followed by "Who does this man think he is to give relationship advice to women?"
Instantly annoyed, I got off the page, but found myself back on a few days later. After watching a few videos in its entirety, it all made sense to me. Jaxn wasn't just a random person delivering unrealistic expectations in love. Instead, he had a genuine, honest, and most importantly, a realistic approach to healthy relationships and just wanted to help men and women find that.
With a past filled with a few f*ckboy tendencies of his own, Jaxn has experience in all sides of this complicated dating world, but a few years ago, he chose to take accountability of his actions in life and love and asked himself what type of man he wanted to be.
"I always wanted to become a man I could admire."
And that he did. As he matured into the man he is now, Jaxn changed his dating habits and chose to share those changes with the world. His opinions on love seemed to resonate with thousands and has led him to a platform of self love and relationships. He is now an author of six books, and the creator of F*ckboy Flashcards and Mentally Stimulate Me board game in which he aims to change the way we look at dating.
And since I know you're wondering ladies…sorry, but Jaxn is off the market and is a happily married man and a loving father. But, you should still use his advice to find that great love of your own. Here's what else Jaxn had to say.
How can women and men "do better" while dating ?
Women:
Heal, first. Women aren't perfect, but when it comes to dating, they're typically a bit further ahead of the curve than men. That results in women who open up on a level the men they're opening up to aren't ready for and results in emotional wounds they have to figure out how to heal on their own. Many women never properly heal after their first attempt and they end up re-dating the one who caused the damage to begin with, or look for healing in someone else who preys on them, and the fact they're "a wounded animal." The only men who prey on wounded animals are those looking to worsen the damage, but if women took their healing into their own hands, they could avoid these men and bring only the lessons learned from their past into their future when they do meet the man who does not come to hurt them.
"Many women never properly heal after their first attempt and they end up re-dating the one who caused the damage to begin with, or look for healing in someone else who preys on them."
Men:
Prepare, first. As it relates to dating, a gateway to relationships, men are thrown into Ph.D. level courses with a 3rd grade education. That's about where our society stops when it comes to properly preparing us emotionally and mentally for effective dating, so many of us do so recreationally and when we think we're ready to be serious about it, realize we're not properly equipped to do so. This is the part where we either "wing it" or try to get our dating partner to be willing to settle for our elementary education.
As cliche as it may sound, what do men want from a woman?
Monolithically speaking, there is no answer since we're all different in terms of age, background, etc. But to give you an idea:
Broken men want fixers. Immature men want mothers. Good men want partners. Hard-working men want supporters. Lazy men want enablers. Insecure men want puppets. Abusive men want objects. F*ckboys want bad bitches.
What are some key mistakes women make when seeking a potential partner ?
Putting a 90-day rule on their bodies, but not on their hearts. It's great to close the legs until you're confident the relationship is headed somewhere, but if other things like opening up about past hurts, being available to him at a moment's notice, or spending a lot of time with him makes a woman emotionally attach, she needs to have a boundary for that as well, not just her body.
Forgetting that good men have standards, too. "The prize" mindset says that women are automatically better than the man, and although tradition teaches us this, it's not true. Women are not better and the same is true vice versa. A good man can sense entitlement from a mile away and if that's what he picks up on in the beginning, it will drive him away. There's a way to be "not impressed" by a man while still being appreciative of the investment he makes upfront.
For women, what are some obvious signs to know that your current partner isn't the one?
Bringing things to his attention that are bothering or negatively impacting you, but having it turned around on you, as if you're ALWAYS the problem. Feeling like without you two's history and your current love for him, you really wouldn't remain with him. Feeling like you're the only one fighting for the relationship. Abuse. Ever.
From a male perspective, what are men seeking in a life-long partner/wife, opposed to a temporary fling?
What a man seeks depends on who he is and what he feels like he's missing, not on what level or relationship he wants, so the answer is similar to the one I gave earlier. If he's a user, he's going to look for a woman he can use. Maybe it's for sex, maybe it's for money, maybe it's for connections or emotional support, but it all depends on him. He'll have her temporarily if that's as long as she tolerates him, or for the rest of her life, if she allows it. A shiny quality for a user is one who'll have low enough self-esteem and enough need for him to validate her so that it's not too temporary.
"What a man seeks depends on who he is and what he feels like he's missing, not on what level or relationship he wants."
If he's an emotionally healthy man with good character, he's going to look for that partner and best friend. Someone who not only can he trust, but also has the emotional capacity to trust him as well. He'll look for a woman who sees and speaks to the best in him, without coddling him. He'll want accountability without disrespect. He'll want sex coupled with intimacy that goes deeper than skin.
What's the best advice you've received when it comes to love ?
Sometimes, it's gonna suck (laughs). True though. It does. As simple and unsexy as that advice was, it kept me from giving up when it started sucking. It disabused me of the notion that every day was going to sunny just because we were "right" for each other. And when things started sucking, instead of quitting, I started evaluating. I think that's the part a lot of people in our generation miss. The part where it sucks.
Instead of throwing in the towel, we are supposed to tighten our bootstraps and get it back to how it was, and live to fight another day.
As a married man, what is the key to a healthy, lasting relationship?
Growth. Before I was married, and if I'd never gotten married, that would still be my answer. I only got married because both my wife and I were committed to doing just that, growing. We were compatible when we first met, but things changed. I changed. She changed. Our environments changed. Our finances changed. Our emotional needs changed. Our mental health changed. Our obstacles, fears, and revelations about who we were changed. And as the saying goes, change is necessary. Growth is optional.
With all of the changes, if you don't opt in to grow through them, things will either become healthy, end, or both.
In today's social media crazed world, how does one tune out distractions and focus on their relationship?
Boundaries. Set them. Commit to them. Early. I honestly feel like new relationships aren't ready for social media. That energy of what people may think about decisions you may need to make to keep the relationship healthy and intact can be the reason you don't make those decisions if you, first, haven't built the proper foundation. It can also build a momentum you can't keep up. Positive pictures, inspirational quotes under "usies" just to finally hit the rough patch we all go through, and then feeling embarrassed when it comes through in your posts afterwards or feeling like you're too restricted when trying not to vent about your relationship troubles and the aversion to those feelings playing a part in continuing what would otherwise be a lasting relationship.
But the biggest thing to remember, is boundaries. What's okay to post/talk about. What's out of bounds in terms of engaging with other profiles. How much privacy. Etc. Don't wait until things get real to decide what's best for social media. By then, it'll be too late.
For those struggling to find love, any words of wisdom to keep them hopeful?
Finding love is a matter of building the love in you to attract it towards you. Essentially, the more you focus on your yearning for love, the more you push it away. Those in emotionally healthy states are not looking for walking deficits, they're looking for assets, and assets are those who have been so focused on loving themselves, they're overflowing with some to spare.
"Finding love is a matter of building the love in you to attract it towards you. The more you focus on your yearning for love, the more you push it away."
More practically speaking, love is coming, and it will come sooner if you are currently focused on how much you can fall in love with yourself, the things you love, and the things that fulfill you without the help of others. Your hope to find love will also manifest from those actions because subconsciously, it'll show you how abundant love is when you focus on the right things instead of training yourself to keep an eye out for it as if it's some rare precious metal that'll pass you by.
For more Derrick Jaxn, follow him on Instagram.
- Should You Wait For A Man To Be Ready? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Should I Wait For A Man To Be Ready? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- www.derrickjaxnarchives.com | Lifestyle Blogger Derrick Jaxn ›
- Should successful women date men with far less going for ... ›
- 8 Powerful Steps to Self-Love | Psychology Today ›
- Self-love - Wikipedia ›
- A Seven-Step Prescription for Self-Love | Psychology Today ›
- Self-Love Must Come First: How to Love Yourself | HuffPost ›
- What Self-Love Means: 20+ Ways to Be Good to Yourself ›
- 10 Wonderful Ways To Practice Self-Love - mindbodygreen ›
- What does “self-love” really mean and how to start loving yourself ... ›
- Derrick Jaxn ›
- Self Love Ambassador (@derrickjaxn) • Instagram photos and videos ›
- How To Know For SURE When He's Not Into You... -Derrick Jaxn ... ›
- Amazon.com: Derrick Jaxn: Books ›
- Derrick Jaxn Has A Message for Those Looking for Love - EBONY ›
- A Cheating Man's Heart: Derrick Jaxn: 8601410542146: Amazon ... ›
Ashley McDonough is a writer and producer in New York City. When she's not busy writing or producing culturally conscious content, she is patiently waiting for Oprah and Stedman to adopt her. Keep up with her journey via social @Ashley_Milani or check out her work on www.AshleyMcDonough.org.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Playa del Carmen is the perfect vacation getaway for anyone who loves beautiful beaches, delicious food, and fun activities. Located on the Caribbean Sea side of Mexico, PDC is nestled right between the spring break hub Cancun and the growing hotspot Tulum. Oftentimes overlooked for some of the other popular cities, I found Playa del Carmen to have just as much in terms of vacation necessities, with a more local and authentic Mexican feel.
The Ultimate Guide to Playa del Carmen
Playa del Carmen is perfect for a solo traveler looking to spend a few days in paradise or the group chat that wants to hang on the beach all day and turn up at night. I found the area to have a little bit of everything for everyone, so here’s my guide on where to eat, stay, and play for the ultimate Playa del Carmen vacation.
Getting Around
The easiest way to get to Playa del Carmen is to fly into Cancun Airport and then make your way south. You can rent a car and drive the one hour down to PDC, take a taxi, or you can catch the ADO bus, which will cost you less than $40 roundtrip. Overall, Playa del Carmen is an easy and safe city to navigate. If you stay on or close to Quinta Avenida (5th Avenue), you’ll be within walking distance to a ton of stores, restaurants, and nightlife. Most taxi rides were between 100 and 150 pesos, which is less than $10 USD. Renting a car is also an option, but with things being very walkable and taxis being fairly inexpensive, it’s not a necessity. Another great way to get around is bikes, which you can rent to use throughout the city.
Stay
The Thompson Hotel is for the folks who know that where you stay on vacation absolutely does matter. This luxury property offers chic rooms and upscale suites, onsite restaurants, and a spa for those who are looking to pamper themselves. One of the standout features of this property is the rooftop infinity pool, which has 360-degree views of the city and is absolutely stunning. This is your type of hotel if you value immaculate views, delicious eats, prime location, and live DJs.
Grand Hyatt offers a prime beachfront location, while also being steps away from the mix on Quinta Avenida. I like that this property allows you to take in the calm beauty of the Caribbean, while also being in close proximity to the action within the city. You get both authentic Mexican food and some international fare at the resort restaurants, and this property also has an infinity pool that gives views of the ocean.
Airbnb
If you don’t have the funds to spend on a hotel stay, but still want clean and comfortable accommodations, do not overlook Airbnb. You can find super reasonably priced apartments close to the strip that will leave you in the heart of all the action. Many of these buildings feature 24-hour security, infinity pools, top-notch gyms, and rooftop bars. This is a great way to save some money, while not sacrificing the quality of the accommodations you like.
Eat
One of the best parts of being near the Caribbean Sea is having access to fresh seafood, and Ictio Fish House is the place to go for it. Located just a block off of the 5th Avenida strip, this small seafood restaurant is a quieter change compared to some of the busier and more touristy restaurants located directly on the strip. They have both indoor and outdoor seating available, but if you can snag a spot at the bar, the service is top notch and you can watch the bartender put together your craft cocktail.
Everything they serve is delicious and tastes authentic, so you really can't go wrong when ordering. But to start, the crispy jumbo shrimp and calamari are perfect for sharing. Other must-try dishes are the garlic butter catch of the day and the adobo-styled octopus.
El Fogon
Ask anyone for a recommendation for the best tacos in Playa del Carmen, and I promise you they will point you to El Fogon. You know a spot is good when it’s filled with just as many locals as tourists, and there’s a line outside at 1 p.m. This no-frills spot serves up authentic Mexican favorites like el pastor tacos, chicken quesadillas, guacamole, and margaritas. Every dish comes with the fixings and is not only super filling but extremely affordable. You can easily get a full meal and a drink for less than $20 USD. They have more than one location, so you can taste some of their delicious tacos no matter what part of PDC you stay in.
L&L by Lara&Luca
Before you hit the beach for day drinking, you need a hearty breakfast from L&L to start your day. This cute cafe is the smaller “sister” restaurant to Lara&Luca, another popular breakfast and lunch cafe in Playa. I liked that L&L is less busy and more laid back than the other location. They serve up typical breakfast and lunch items such as eggs, coffee, sandwiches, and French toast.
My favorite item was the ham and cheese croissant, which could be enjoyed on their outdoor seating or taken to enjoy on the go. They also have yummy pastries, but these sell out quickly, so be sure to go early.
El Pirata
If you’re a fried fish lover like me and appreciate sea-to-table service, El Pirata is the place to go. This restaurant is tucked away towards the end of the main 5th Avenida strip, so you might miss it if you aren’t looking for it. The restaurant serves up a plethora of tasty dishes like fresh ceviche, garlic shrimp, and shrimp empanadas, and has a full beverage menu for your libation needs. However, the fried fish is truly the star of the show.
When you order, they bring to your table a few of the fresh fish that were caught that day and allow you to choose which lucky one you want them to fry for you. And let me tell you, picking your own fried fish just hits different! It was one of my favorite meals in Playa del Carmen.
Play
Food Tour
There are so many delicious places to eat in Playa del Carmen so taking a local food tour is the best way to try a little bit of everything. I love taking food tours when I travel because not only is it a great way to try a range of different local dishes, but the tour guides usually give you a history lesson during the tour where you learn more about the history of certain dishes and the country as a whole. In Playa Del Carmen, I took a local food tour with GetYourGuide, where we stopped at several different locations for tacos, fresh fruit juice, tamales, and more.
I value it when there’s a local leading the tour because it’s a way to support the locals and also learn things that only people native to the location would know. While we walked, the guide shared a lot of insight about Mexico and Playa del Carmen, while giving recommendations for places to eat during our trip.
Cenotes
Cenotes are natural sinkholes or underground caverns that have pools of water in which you can explore, dive, and swim in. You will find cenotes all around Mexico, but there are several in the Playa del Carmen region. Cenotes vary in size and also the depth of water, so even if you don’t know how to swim, you can find a cenote to explore at your own comfort level. Two beautiful cenotes you can explore near PDC are Cenote Azul and Cenote Dos Ojos.
Cenote Azul is perfect for snorkeling because of the crystal clear waters that allow you to see the colorful fish and plant life underneath. Cenote Dos Ojos is perfect for explorers due to the mesmerizing underground caverns and rock formations throughout. You can take a trip to the cenotes on your own or book a tour that may take you to several different cenotes.
Beaches
Playa Del Carmen has some of the most beautiful beaches in the Caribbean, so beach hopping is a must while vacationing in the area. Whether you want a chill, relaxing beach day or you are thinking of jet skiing on the blue waters, there is a beach for you. There are several beaches along the coast of Playa del Carmen, some that are within walking distance of most hotels, and others that you may need to travel to get to but are totally worth it.
Playa Mamitas is one of the most popular beaches in PDC due to its location near the heart of the city, and also because of the crystal clear waters and white sand. Playa Mamitas is also a great spot for entertainment and the occasional beach party for the folks wanting to turn up. Playacar Beach is another great option that is located in the upscale Playacar neighborhood, south of downtown Playa del Carmen.
It is known for its pristine beauty and laid-back atmosphere, making it a popular destination for travelers seeking relaxation and seclusion. Other beaches to consider are Punta Esmeralda and Xpu-ha Beach, so you’ll have an option for every day of your trip, depending on your mood.
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