Marriage is not a task for the weak-hearted or the selfish. I recently saw an interview where Eartha Kitt laughed at the concept of compromise when it came to the love of a man. It is true that you should never compromise in regards to your dreams and vision for you future, but to create a bond that lasts, you must be become familiar with sacrifice, just ask Denzel Washington.
He's been the Equalizer, the American Gangster, and the Manchurian Candidate on the big screen, but in his real life, he plays a different role: The Husband.
s_bukley / Shutterstock.com
The multi-talented actor recently sat down with People to reveal how he and his wife, Pauletta, have kept their marriage alive for 35 years and counting. It goes without saying that his first tip on maintaining longevity in a relationship should be etched into every man's eyelids across the globe:
"I do what I'm told. I keep my mouth shut."
Because of this gem, their consistent faith in God, and a long list of sacrifices on both ends, Denzel and Pauletta have one of the longest lasting relationships in Black Hollywood. The two were married in 1983 and have since raised four kids, survived vicious tabloid rumors, and are still going strong. In 2014, Denzel said:
"I don't know if it's show business that has a monopoly on divorce, it's just that you hear about it. I just think that you have to work at it. Not give up on each other. It's a commitment. It's not all the honeymoon, it doesn't last forever, so you work at it. And hopefully you're good friends first, that might help!"
Pauletta said that although her being married to a man who was a worldwide sex symbol was a challenge initially, but love always prevails. Denzel gives all the credit to Pauletta for setting a foundation for their family, and uses every chance he gets to dote on her. In an interview with TD Jakes, he said that he gives her all the credit for his beautiful family.
"She has done the heavy lifting. She has been the consistent one. She has given the daily religious instruction. She was the one taking them to school, while I was out providing."
When People recently asked him what he appreciated most about his wife, he said:
Everett Collection / Shutterstock.com
"There's too many things! What pops into my head: security, food, a beautiful home."
The Five Heartbeats taught me that a heart is a house full of love. But I've learned that it don't take much to break. A house and a home are two completely different things, and Denzel made sure to explain the difference to People:
"The difference between a house and a home, it's a big difference. You can buy a house, but that doesn't make it a home – and not to say a man can't make a home a home, but my wife has made our house a home, and raised these beautiful kids [John David, 33, Katia, 30, twins Olivia and Malcolm, 27] and protected them and sacrificed for them, she did the heavy-lifting."
Their 35-year marriage was built on a foundation of faith and sacrifice. Although things haven't always been easy, they have pushed through to create a life and love that they could be proud of.
I am still searching for my own Denzel, preferably one that resembles his character from Training Day. So, if you see him, let him know I'm willing to sacrifice it all.
Featured image by Featureflash Photo Agency / Shutterstock.com
RELATED
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
Courtesy
I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
Courtesy
That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
Courtesy
So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
Courtesy
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image courtesy
