What I Learned From My Night At A Swinger’s Club
Since I've began attending school for my Master's in Human Sexuality, I've come to learn just how vanilla I am when it comes to sex. Classes have poked and prodded in order to get at my boundaries and, you know what? It's working. But it's also helped me to create a realistic expectation of what exploring my sexuality looks like, as I've honed in on my actual desires to test the boundaries of those things that already give me immense pleasure. I love being bound, getting my ass slapped, and the only thing that's better than a firm smack on my ass, is being brought to an intense orgasm as someone's hand is clenched around my throat while I moan softly searching for air.
Nonetheless, this doesn't necessarily mean I'm ready to be shipped off to a bootcamp for bondage and masochism. So, this is what I mean about testing and pushing the boundaries of my current eroticism. Enter, my story of my night engaging in swingers sex at the swingers club.
As you may have presumed, this has left me more curious than ever about the kink community. In a desperate search for a play party, I fell short and found an equally seductive swingers club, which I'm also not opposed to. I invited my roommate to come out with me and we were joined by another member of our cohort, and a couple. There was only one of us who had been to a swingers' club or anything like this and it was not me.
For fear of being disappointed, I delayed my expectations until I no longer could, and really the place was what dreams are made of, in the fact that it actually lived up to the hype and public perception of what a swingers' club looks like.
The minute I walked in, there were rooms on either side of me equipped with makeshift beds and white towels. At the end of the hall, by the first level bar, there was a couple fucking ever-so-casually on the lounge chairs. And me? Well, I was exhilarated! We went upstairs and headed over to the bar before cozying up in a middle booth.
The first thing I did was scope out the room to find Black people and at first there was nothing, but as it got a little later, the place became slightly peppered with melanated couples making me lucky as the only single. Although there was a guy scoping me out for he and his girlfriend, I had my sights set on something else.
As I watched the couple, I remember feeling my clitoris shoot off smoke flares through my pants as I tried to simmer down.
Although I'm never aroused by women giving head in porn, there was something about watching this woman bob and weave on her partner's solid dick that created a tension in my body that could only escape me one way. Doubting myself and what I came for, I kept telling my roommate that I couldn't wait to get home and masturbate. She reminded me that I was more than welcome to do so at the party, a refreshingly new experience to not have to leave the club when you grew too horny of dry humping on the dance floor but I wasn't ready for all of that.
Or, so I thought.
I spent another hour watching this couple, playing coy, and making bathroom runs to get their attention before they and another black couple disappeared from the main floor. Something in me told me that they went off to find somewhere a little more private, and I was right. I followed them downstairs and asked to watch because closer is better! Still mesmerized by the one couple, I completely disregarded the other and finally after coming up for air, the woman asked me if I wanted to join in.
With minimal hesitation, I hopped up and quickly began mimicking the same energy she had been giving him just five minutes earlier. I could see why she was so into it and quite frankly, I forgot what it was like to be so attracted to someone that giving head turned me on uncontrollably. After a short while, I was asked to join them in a private room and I did.
We undressed and this time, the woman went down on me, as I stuffed her partner's penis into the depths of my throat but not beyond my gag reflex. This was all a first for me and it was happening so fast.
Like musical chairs, we all switched and I nibbled on that woman's pussy, probably giving her the worst delivery ever. But instead of her partner ever reciprocating oral sex (rolls eyes), he decided it was time to go to work.
He began unfoiling the condom and that's when sh-t really hit me. Not that I had engaged in a threesome with some random couple that I didn't even exchange names with, but that I literally was the idiot who went balls deep on a stranger's dick without protection and then had the audacity to pull out a condom when the vaginal penetration was about to begin. I mean, really, make it make sense?
Condoms had been an afterthought until that moment and I could not make it make sense.
And because I couldn't make sense of it, I began to freak the f-ck out and although I didn't leave until I got what I came for -- I could no longer just lay back and enjoy the experience.
New to the city, I couldn't speed dial my gyno on the spot but please believe, the next day I was Yelping like nobody's business to find a GYN and ensure that the consequences for compromising my health were nonexistent. And, they were...this time.
Still, this situation highlighted how willing I was to risk it all for a good 15 minutes of leading with my curiosity. Despite what the saying says, curiosity has actually been known to kill the cat, my kitty just so happened to escape untouched. I also realize that I'm not alone in allowing a pleasurable moment get the best of me, as it's not the first time I've allowed it to do so, and I get the feeling that it's a common experience amongst many others.
Mostly because I think there's a lot of misconceptions about the transmission of diseases and/or infections. I've heard a myriad of people say they wear condoms for safety during vaginal/anal penetration but bypass this process during oral sex or use condoms for penis, but fail to bust out the dental dams or saran when eating the p-ssy.
This leaves room for me to assume that they may be ignorant to the fact that failing to protect yourself during any sexual penetration, may that be tongue or genitalia, leaves you vulnerable to the unknown.
And although I realize there's not nothing that I couldn't handle, should I find out that luck didn't favor me, I'd rather not. We live in a society where it's difficult enough to disclose what type of kinky stuff we're into, much less trying to disclose to any new partner that I have an untreatable venereal disease. It doesn't mean life is over, but let's not dispute the fact that it does make things far more complicated in an already tricky romantic climate to weather.
That said, if you're like me, and safety has ever become an afterthought in the midst of any tryst that's not with a trusted partner, slow. down. Hear me when I say: the d-ck ain't going nowhere.
Featured image by Giphy
Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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ItGirl 100: Get To Know Some Of The Most Inspiring And Empowering Women On Our List
The ItGirl 100 List, in partnership with Hyundai, is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
We often see lists featuring amazing women who are seasoned in this thing called life, and our ItGirl 100 List gives flowers to the people they’ve passed the torch to: young millennial and Gen Z women who are innovating and disrupting in today’s world of advancement.
xoNecole has partnered with Hyundai for its inaugural ItGirl 100 List to give these women their flowers today. It’s a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who have built their own tables, launched new businesses, and redefined what it truly means to be blessed, booked, and busy.
Here’s a snapshot of fun facts from a few of the women listed on the ItGirl 100, representing the East, West, Midwest, and South:
EAST
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DJ 9AM: DJ & Curator
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "On My Mama" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Nia Long
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Taurus Moon, Pisces Rising
Favoring open-format, multi-genre mixes, this DJ has created a winning reputation for rocking a crowd with seamless transitions and selections, always representing Southwest musical and cultural influences.
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Tiffany James, Founder, Modern BLK Girl
Representing:Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Lucky Girl" by Carlina
Favorite OG It Girl:Naomi Campbell
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Virgo Rising
Modern BLK Girl is one of the leading investment groups among women of color, and the founder serves as an avid investor, community builder, and advocate. Tiffany James is also a mentor, utilizing her unique combination of financial and fashion expertise.
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Kat Mateo, Casting Director
Representing: New Jersey
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Princess Going Digital" by Amaarae
Favorite OG It Girl: Kelis, Eve, Lil Kim
Zodiac Big Three: Aries Sun, Cancer Moon, Cancer Rising
Thriving as a casting director and stylist, Kat Mateo offers a unique point of view that has shaped New York Fashion Week shows, ad campaigns, and editorials. She has also been a major contributor to cultural conversations related to fashion and inclusivity.
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Denise Stephanie Hewitt, Photographer
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Experience" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Hannah Montana
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Aquarius Moon, Aquarius Rising
This Gordon Parks Foundation scholar is a full-time student who has been working to expand her freelance career in photography. Denise is also been featured among Essence'sinaugural list of "Top 10 Creators Under 30," for her unique aesthetics and perceptions through her art.
WEST
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Nayamka Roberts-Smith, Aesthetician
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Tomorrow 2" by GloRilla & Cardi B
Favorite OG It Girl: Meagan Good
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Capricorn Rising
Nayamka Roberts-Smith is an award-winning professional in the skincare industry and serves as an educator, offering knowledge on beauty culture. She also is a well-sought-after speaker on beauty and women’s issues, with a following of more than 1 million on social.
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Desiree L. Talley, Esq., Vice President, Legal & Business Affairs, Revolt TV
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice" by The Carters
Favorite OG It Girl: Issa Rae
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon, Cancer Rising
An attorney and storyteller, Desiree L. Talley meshes relatability with her legal smarts for the culture. She advocates for cultural advancement and societal change through her POPLAW Podcast while balancing her executive duties at Revolt TV.
Marley Rae
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Marley Rae, Organizer, WalkGood
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice For What" by Drake
Favorite OG It Girl: Mariah Carey
Zodiac Big Three: Capricorn Sun, Taurus Moon, Leo Rising
Marley Rae is a Nike Athlete, certified yoga instructor, COO, and Director of Health and Wellness for WalkGood LA, a family-founded non-profit organization. She is dedicated to fostering understanding and care in local and global communities.
MIDWEST
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Shawnee Dez
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "FreeBody Freestyle" by Shawnee Dez
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Morrison
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Aquarius Moon, Cancer Rising
Shawnee Dez is an artist who's all about captivating her audience through encouragement and empowerment. Her music features fluid harmonic layering, live instrumentation fused with digital production, and her unique multi-talented voice in an alto melodic tone.
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Bianca Pastel, Visual Artist
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: Anything by Whitney Houston
Favorite OG It Girl: Grace Jones
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Bianca Pastel's artistic portfolio includes fine art, illustrations, and animation, and she's worked with clients including Disney Pixar, and the NFL, to name a few. Her focus is "empowering the experience of being a Black child and dealing with mental health issues."
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Donyale Walton, Founder, Hoop Mobb
Representing: Detroit
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Yeah I Said It" by Rihanna
Favorite OG It Girl: Aaliyah
Zodiac Big Three: Virgo Sun, Libra Moon, Capricorn Rising
Donyale Walton's brand Hoop Mobb, celebrates the Black and Brown fashion and cultural impact and presence of hoop earrings. It's grown to earn more than seven figures in annual revenue and a nationwide community of loyal consumers.
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Ticara Devone, Content Creator
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "She's a Bitch" by Missy Elliott
Favorite OG It Girl: Ananda Lewis
The Zodiac Big Three: Libra Sun, Taurus Moon, Virgo Rising
A trusted sneaker enthusiast and content creator, Ticara Devone uses dynamic storytelling to hold space for others with a passion for sneakers. A published writer, she’s worked with brands including Nike and Footlocker and inspires us all by ensuring women are vocal and seen in the multi-billion dollar shoe space.
SOUTH
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AllyiahsFace, Content Creator
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Go Off" Doja Cat
Favorite OG It Girl: Gabrielle Union and Halle Berry
Zodiac Big Three: Gemini Sun, Leo Moon, Scorpio Rising
AllyiahsFace's YouTube channel has more than 830,000 subscribers, and she's been hitting the ground running since 2015. Her content creation, which centers on beauty, fashion, and lifestyle, has led to a lucrative career and drawn a close-knit social and real-life community to view and be inspired.
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Jaycina, Executive Director, Tender
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "All I Got" by Amel Larrieux
Favorite OG It Girl:Tracee Ellis Ross
Zodiac Big Three: Leo Sun, Sagittarius Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Jaycina is a signed model with a nonprofit that works to provide support and community for single mothers in Atlanta. She's also appeared in campaigns for brands including Fenty and GAP as well as features in all your favorite magazines and on billboards across the country.
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Asha Christian, Founder, Coily App
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "It's My Life" by Mariah Carey
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Childs (Girlfriends)
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Leo Rising
Asha Christian created Coily to provide beauty recommendations utilizing social data. It offers a more personalized, AI-driven experience for users and part of her mission is to provide solutions related to diversity and put the focus back on the consumer. Meshing tech and culture, Christian is innovating with options that exemplify the Black girl magic needed in tech.
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Featured image by FG Trade/Getty