Although the venue was small, it was packed to capacity with faces wanting to watch the show that was about to take place. My friend and I bid our goodbyes so that she could get ready for her performance and I decided to mingle.
When you've been single for as long as I have, you tend to find comfort in crowded rooms. This was major progress considering about six months ago, I found myself still feeling alone in places that were full of smiling faces. Not tonight though. Tonight, I was open to whatever vibe came cruising my way.
We locked eyes from across the room and I pretended not to notice him making his way over to me.
I was out of the dating scene, but I still vaguely remembered the rules. Within seconds, he was introducing himself. He was tall, charming, attractive, and well-spoken. I quickly found myself hanging on to his every word, and I didn't mind it at all. He told me he was single and from the town where my friend and I were visiting for the weekend. We exchanged numbers in case either of us left without saying goodbye that night and parted ways as the show started. During the performances, I found myself scanning the room and thinking of conversation starters for the tall stranger who made me swoon. No luck.
The lights were low so I pushed him out of my mind for the moment. My friend performed and the show came to a close a few more acts later. The lights come back up and I couldn't find her right away. The crowd was dispersing with everyone leaving or making their way to the bar for another drink or two. Sometime later, I found her. She walked over to me with the biggest smile on her face. I was thinking that she must have received rave reviews, after all, she did put on a spectacular performance. However, that was not the case. She was coming over to tell me about the amazing conversation she'd just had while she was trying to find me after her set.
She went on about how amazing this guy was and the things he said that matched perfectly with what she was looking for in a man. Excited for her, I asked her more questions about him. Her answers began to sound familiar to me. I asked her to point him out to me, I wanted to be sure it was who I was thinking it was in my head. Lo and behold, it was the same tall handsome stranger that made my head swoon entangled in a conversation with another woman who had a grip on his arm. It was the kind of grip that only a woman can do when she has ownership of someone.
It was the infamous "my man grip."
My friend and I exchanged a puzzled look. I pulled her to the side and as we were comparing notes, he left, careful not to make eye contact with us while with the woman who had him captive in the "my man grip." Still confused, we decided to do some investigating and later found out through the organizer of the event who was friends with us both that he had made his rounds to every woman he found attractive in the room that night and gave the same spill of bullshit.
However, the woman he left with was not his girlfriend, but a friend with benefits he met up with every time he was in his hometown. The organizer went on to further explain that he did this at every event he'd thrown. Apparently, he was so good that he took his show on the road whenever he traveled for his line of work. Leaving the event, we heard his name spill off the lips of a girl I vaguely recognized from the event. She was seemingly high off of the facade that was fed to her.
She obviously didn't see him leave with his conquest for the night.
On our drive to the hotel, my friend expressed her disgust at what just happened. I said nothing. I listened as she went on and on about it. She again regurgitated everything that he'd said to her about himself and the things he had in common with her. When I heard conflicting evidence, it all became clear to me. I finally stopped her mid-rant and said, "He's a Community Boyfriend."
She looked at me confused and I went on to explain that a Community Boyfriend is a man who is extra friendly with several women, becomes the man he thinks you want to be with, says what he thinks you want to hear, and based off of your responses, switches gears accordingly. He is never truly single because he finds a way to develop some kind of relationship with every woman who has his number. He sells these women the fantasy that they are the only woman that matters to him. You'll never ever know who he truly is underneath because at this moment in his life he has volunteered as tribute for public use.
One may think he's a butterfly, but when the lights go out, he's the moth that flies towards the light trap on your grandma's porch.
She bursts into laughter and shakes her head at me. Glad that I could break her anger for a second, I quickly let her know that I was serious about what I'd just said and that such a character was unworthy of her anyway. When we finally made it back to our hotel room, I thought she had dropped it, but she started to go again and I had to stop her.
I asked her, "Why does it bother you so much?"
She replied, "Because it's men like him that make me think good men don't exist. Everything he said was probably a lie, and for all, we know his name was probably fake. If he was that good at making every woman in the room believe that he was someone entirely different from the last, then who's to say he is even real at all? What about the women who think that they have something good with him?"
Her answer caught me off guard. She had a point, but in cases like this, you have to thank God that it was revealed to you sooner rather than later. It's always harder to break a bond with someone you've trusted enough to give your body to. I told her that the only thing I could think of at that moment, and that was to be careful with who you choose to invite into your life.
There is no way that anyone could have peeped what he was doing and had she not been with me and I with her, we both would've fallen prey to him.
Women have this beautiful thing called intuition and it's a shame when it's not put to use.
No matter how foggy the mirror is, it always clears and what's left is the truth. That's our intuition. It lets us know when the waters are murky if we choose to listen. Community Boyfriends aren't going anywhere, anytime soon, but lucky for us neither is our intuition. Unlike Community Boyfriends who had to master the skill of f-ckery, we were born with the innate gift to swerve and decipher it.
So that will always leave us one step ahead. Never forget your power.
Featured image by Giphy
It was easy spotting Chadwick Boseman, being that he was a part of the very small representation of minorities in this film. The smile never left my father's face as he cheered, and my son did the same, staring up at his grandpa for approval when Black Panther's action scene came into play. I was partially embarrassed, but my heart was still swollen at the sight of happiness my father expressed. In his lifetime, he had seen his childhood hero on the big screen.
In the midst of my happiness, my heart broke in two when my son leaned over and asked me, "Why was the Black Panther actually black?"
Confused, I asked him to explain and he repeated his question. I quickly responded with, "Why not? He's actually more than a superhero, he's a king too and so are you."
He seemed to accept my answer and continued to watch the movie.
I fought back tears at the thought he believed that all superheroes are supposed to be white.
No matter the color suit of the hero in question, the commonality amongst them all was the fact they were white men. White men who were brave, strong, and always conquered over whatever obstacle that stood in the way of a successful victory.
In reality, there are very little visuals on television of black men displaying characteristics of being brave, strong, and always conquering over whatever obstacle standing in the way of a successful victory. The closest emulation I could think of that portrays those qualities in the black male are in sports. At my son's young age, he's not sure if he likes sports or not. He is, however, concrete on his preference of the characters wearing costumes with supernatural powers, making the world a better place again.
It makes sense for him to think that the super cool new character he'd never seen before, soaring through the air, and even at one point dominating his favorite character in the moment, Captain America, be white when he removed his mask. It would have played to the consistency that he's seen before in every superhero movie he's seen.
During the remainder of the movie, I thought of how the black man is represented in media as this overly stereotypical character that in many cases is not an accurate representation of real life at all. What broke me even more was the fact that I was now made aware of how that poor depiction of the black male has now found its way into my life with my own son, a young black male.
It was personal.
I didn't want him thinking that heroes only come in the color white. Furthermore, I didn't want him believing that he couldn't have an idol that wasn't white or, should he ever find himself in trouble in my absence, a white man would come and save the day. He needed to know that heroes are black men too.
So when I learned that Black Panther would get his own full-length feature film, I went to work. Apparently, so did Twitter, who wasted no time starting the #WhatBlackPantherMeansToMe, which reinforced my already turning wheels.
I bought the comic books and sat down with my son to read them. We watched the trailer over and over again as he became more and more excited. The newfound light in his eyes was something that I'll never forget for the rest of my life.
He was seeing what I'd known all along: Black men are kings and heroes.
For Halloween, my father bought him the complete costume of the Black Panther. He wore it proudly and plans to wear it to the premiere of the movie as well. He'd come a long way from me having to explain to him that he and Han Solo were not the same color during a long drive home.
This film is also important in the way young black boys view black girls that will one day be black women. The film features an abundance of darker-toned brown women as main characters, being warriors, protectors and heroes. Perhaps the most significant aspect of the portrayal of black women in this film is the fact that the love interest of the main hero is played by the melanin-rich Lupita N'yongo. When black men are given starring roles in big budget films, it is very rare to see them with a love interest that is of a darker skin tone.
Whether we acknowledge it or not, a failure to see these types of representation has an affect on how young boys perceive beauty around them.
Young black girls are young queens in the making, no matter the hue.
This movie is more than a movie. It's something that is monumental to our black youth, to our girls but especially our boys.
It's very hard for young black kids to believe an alternative concept when they don't see it represented in everyday life. Words cannot express how exhilarating it is to know that this is changing with this film. Not only will our young boys see a superhero that looks like them, our young girls will have the representation that has been missing from media all these years.
They will get to see that the possibilities are endless and they are indeed, young kings and queens in the making.
It's up to us as a community to support this movie so that it breaks records and we see more people of color on the big screen. Deeper than that, it's our job as a community to reinforce, promote, and support content, movies, music, television shows, any form of media, that promotes positive representations of black men and women. Our futures depend on it.
