Communication Is Key: 5 Ways To Get Him To Open Up More
We often hear and talk about men who don't listen to their women, but how often do we talk about men opening up to their women and those who struggle with it? This actually came up in a discussion between my husband (Eric) and myself the other night. He told me, “Babe, you really helped me open up more and you make me feel comfortable talking to you."
I thought for a second…really? I helped Eric open up more? Don't get me wrong, my husband loves to talk because of his background and what he does for a living, but in that moment I remembered there was a time when he didn't openly communicate about certain things as much as he does now.
Whether they'll admit or not, men want and need to express themselves, and believe it or not, they are vulnerable (not to be confused with weak), especially when it comes to their wife or their girlfriend. But what is a girl to do if her man doesn't open up as much? Here's what I have found has worked for us as well as some observations and my personal experiences. Although specifically related to men, much of it applies to women as well – both sides.
Be respectful.
Lack of respect can easily lead to lack of communication. You want to get your man to open up more? Show him how much you respect him. Eric told me the other night that one of the reasons why it's easy for him to open up to me is because he knows I respect him. Not only do we show respect in what we say, but it's also about creating an atmosphere of adoration whether at home or in public. So, if that means I have to be quiet at times or wait to discuss an issue even though I want to go off at the moment, then I will do it. If that means going above and beyond to handle a certain situation or removing certain people from my life who don't respect me or my husband as they should (and that has happened), then so be it.
[Tweet " When it comes to respect there are three key components: adoration, appreciation and affection."]
When it comes to respect, I think of three key components: adoration, appreciation and affection. I understand how important it is to my man, so I make it my business to respect him as much as I can and even apologize when I slip up. Besides, the last thing I want is to have someone outside of our marriage giving him more respect than I do within our marriage.
Be open to different methods of communication.
There's a saying that perfectly describes communication: “It's not always what you say, but how you say it." I would go even further to say it's also the medium in which it's delivered (i.e., face to face, hand-written, text messages, greeting card, email, etc.). I remember the days when men and women wrote love letters or even apology letters to each other, and we talked more than we texted. I can also admit at times technology can ruin the intent of what's being said and can cause one to revert back to the “ol' skool" ways of communicating. Because Eric has moments when he can communicate more effectively in writing, he will do that instead. There have been plenty of days when I woke up with a love letter, poem or even an apology letter sitting next to my computer. Then, there are days when it's easier for him to communicate with me via text and I'm fine with that. It all just depends on the timing and what's being said. Either way, it's okay to change it up. I'm open to whatever makes him feel the most comfortable at the time. I encourage it and I welcome it.
Don't be judgmental.
When it comes to what Eric and I talk about, there's really nothing off limits. We already know so much about each other's past as well as our current struggles. Hence, we don't have room to judge each other because we know both of us have done some “not so great" things in our past. I have learned to accept my husband for who he is, and he definitely accepts me for who I am, which in turn makes him comfortable and more willing to share things with me. Besides divine intervention and the “opposites attract" idea, how else could a “type A" personality and a creative person fit so well together if we didn't accept each other – flaws and all? It's kind of like when we talk to our girlfriends and we start the conversation off with, “Okay don't judge me but…" and then we proceed to tell our stories. Although we may not agree, we can still listen intently and not force our opinions or judgment on them. The same is true when it comes to our men when they come and talk to us. I want to be my husband's number one fan, not his number one critic.
Be supportive and ask questions.
A quick and easy way to gauge how supportive and encouraging I am towards my man is to ask myself: “What are the first few words or sentences I say to him when he comes home after work," or “What do I say to him when I first see or talk to him after a long's day of work?" I can admit…there have been days when Eric has walked through the door, or even received a text on the way home, and was greeted with, “Why did you…" instead of “How are you?" Whether he's an entrepreneur, works a blue collar or white collar job, no one wants to come home to somebody who starts off the conversation with demands, complaints, let alone a dismal greeting. I'm much more mindful of this and now he can usually expect: “Hey, babe. How was your day?" It's a simple phrase that can tell you a lot and help him open up.
[Tweet "No one wants to come home to somebody who starts off the conversation with demands or complaints."]
I feel it's important for me as his wife to create an atmosphere of love and kindness; a place where he looks forward coming home to each and everyday. There's a wonderful verse in Proverbs 21:9 that says: “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." With all that our men have to deal with or have to be cautious of on a regular basis, we can't afford to stir up disorder and confusion in our household (and same for him). That's not to say that we won't have arguments and disagreements because that definitely happens. That's life. However, my goal is to make it so that if and when he does run into issues and certain situations, he can run home to me knowing I'll be there to help and listen to him.
Be Patient.
As a woman, I rarely find it difficult to express what I'm feeling whether it's through my words, facial expressions or even body language. Eric and I have been together for so long now that it only takes but a minute or so for him to determine what I'm feeling at the moment even if I try my best to deny it. With him, however, that's not always the case. Together, as a couple, we learned a long time ago that while I like to express my feelings at the very moment, Eric on the other hand is the type of person who will sometimes hold things in and let it fester until he reaches a point where it all blows up. So we have had situations where he'll bring up something totally out of the blue and I'll ask, “Well, why didn't you say anything then?" I have to remind him that holding things in isn't healthy for anyone – whether male or female.
Other times, I may think something is bothering Eric or I think something is wrong and a lot of times it's the complete opposite. One thing he's taught me, and I know this to be true for a lot of other guys, is that sometimes he actually is thinking about absolutely nothing. He ventures off to this place I like to call his “upper room," not to be confused with the movie Life and the upper room they refer to as Heaven. Instead, it's where he goes to escape mentally to calm his mind, think about sports, news or his fantasy sports…or even just to ignore me (LOL). Real talk. He doesn't go anywhere physically, but mentally he takes a few moments off to go and relax in the upper room. So, I have learned to let him go there when he needs to and let him have his moment but also listen more and talk less when necessary. I have to be patient knowing that his ability to express his emotions will not always come easy, but they will come with time. Being patient may mean continuing to listen to him despite how long he wants to drag out an argument, or can also be as simple as waiting for the game to go off before starting a deep and involved discussion; realizing that he probably won't be fully engaged anyway while the game is on. This isn't always the case but it definitely helps in our household.
All in all, being patient is understanding their nature as men but still being committed to encourage them to still open up more.
Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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From Toxic Traits To Transformative Growth: Understanding Evolved Vs. Unevolved Zodiac Signs
Explore your sign’s 2024 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
Have you ever heard someone talk about a certain zodiac sign and wondered why your experience of that particular sign has been completely different? We have all heard about the notorious Gemini Man or Virgo Man being a difficult partner to have in love, but does this apply to all Geminis and all Virgos? Well, this is where the discussion of evolved signs vs. unevolved signs comes in. It’s the idea that, while some toxic or challenging traits are more prevalent in certain signs, it also depends on the individual at hand and on whether or not they have evolved in life.
Evolved vs. Unevolved Signs: A Guide
Astrology is life-changing not only because it allows you to learn more about yourself, but it also allows you to see certain behaviors or traits in yourself, and change them if you are not happy with the way they manifest in your life. To be evolved means to learn and develop. In order to tell whether you are dealing with an evolved sign or an unevolved sign, look at the way they navigate their strengths and weaknesses. We are all predisposed to certain behaviors aligned with our zodiac sign; it’s how you grow from your experiences rather than what you accept as a defining characteristic of who you are.
Evolved signs have done the inner work, unevolved signs make excuses for their behavior.
When we are talking about evolved zodiac signs, we are talking about the Virgo who appreciates progress more than perfection, the Libra who trusts that they can stick to a decision rather than accepting they are incapable of making the best one, and the Aries who takes intentional action rather than an impulsive one. It’s those people you meet and they make you change your perspective on a certain sign you may have had a negative experience with in the past. An unevolved sign, however, is the Aquarius who isolates rather than expresses how they are feeling, the Scorpio who lets their jealousy get the best of them rather than trusting their connections, and the Leo who puts their ego before anything else.
The good news is that if you feel you are living a more unevolved version of your zodiac sign, you can change this by first addressing where you may be self-sabotaging, and where you can highlight more of your strengths. Healing from past traumas, seeking a therapist or astrologer, or overall making your well-being more of a priority all will benefit. When you are feeling good within, you attract more experiences to you to where you can be that evolved version of yourself rather than entertain old habits or ways of relating that don’t serve you.
It takes work, but the more you tap into the evolved version of yourself and strengthen this part of you, the less you will revert to your old ways or attract those same types of toxic or unevolved people towards you.
So, how do you know which side of the coin you are dealing with or are yourself? Read below to find out more about the traits and characteristics of the evolved vs. unevolved signs of the zodiac.
EVOLVED ARIES
- Confident
- Methodical
- Disciplined
- Leader
- Energetic
UNEVOLVED ARIES
- Aggressive
- Short-tempered
- Reckless
- Arrogant
- Impulsive
You’ll know whether you are dealing with an evolved Aries versus an unevolved Aries through the way they communicate and approach others. If they are confident and encouraging, you are dealing with an evolved Aries who is comfortable with who they are but also doesn't feel the need to force their energy on you. Unevolved Aries will make you take a step back, evolved Aries will make you want more. Aries’ strengths are that they are bold and assertive, but an unevolved Aries tends to create more disagreements or challenges with others in the process.
EVOLVED TAURUS
- Abundance-mindset
- Grounded
- Generous
- Compassionate
- Trustworthy
UNEVOLVED TAURUS
- Materialistic
- Stubborn
- Lazy
- Vengeful
- Envious
An evolved Taurus versus an unevolved Taurus can be differentiated by the person who has stability or who has goals in life that they share with you and are working towards. The unevolved Taurus you will most likely find on the couch, demanding that you give them what they need at the same time. Unevolved Tauruses tend to show traits of envy or jealousy when you are explaining a recent win to them. An evolved Taurus will be the first person you want to go to with the good news, and they are a big support and secure person to their loved ones.
EVOLVED GEMINI
- Communicative
- Curious
- Creative
- Innovative
- Fun
UNEVOLVED GEMINI
- Confusing
- Chaotic
- Disorganized
- Bored
- Unpredictable
An evolved Gemini will have you feeling understood, heard, and inspired. They are fun and light-hearted people to be around. An unevolved Gemini will have you questioning them, life, and everything in between- and will create unneeded chaos in your life. Unevolved Geminis are notorious for being unavailable and disloyal in relationships, and you can tell the difference between whether they are evolved or not by what they do when they are bored. Do your Gemini create or connect, or do they do something destructive, leaving you feeling a deep sense of distrust around them?
EVOLVED CANCER
- Compassionate
- Nostalgic
- Supportive
- Nourishing
- Protective
UNEVOLVED CANCER
- Moody
- Holds a grudge
- Pessimistic
- Manipulative
- Clingy
An evolved Cancer leaves you feeling supported, nourished, and loved. An unevolved Cancer may make you feel the same way, but will be hot and cold on when and how they show it. An evolved Cancer will be your go-to and someone you can trust with basically anything. An unevolved Cancer, however, you will steer away from and not want to express yourself to them for fear of them making things worse. Evolved Cancers understand their emotions, unevolved Cancers let their emotions get the best of them.
EVOLVED LEO
- Self-confident
- Passionate
- Generous
- Motivating
- Kind-hearted
UNEVOLVED LEO
- Entitled
- Angry
- Selfish
- Controlling
- Dramatic
Evolved Leo has an evolved ego. They have a strong sense of self, they know who they are and what they want, but they don’t let that get in the way of how they treat others. Unevolved Leos command the room in a way where you are looking at them in shock rather than in awe. Unevolved Leos think the world revolves around them, evolved Leos think the same thing but also want other people to be in that world or think the same thing about themselves as well. Evolved Leos are like the Sun, and you will feel enlivened in their presence.
EVOLVED VIRGO
- Organized
- Caring
- Down-to-Earth
- Inspiring
- Helpful
UNEVOLVED VIRGO
- Perfectionist
- Overly critical
- Resentful
- Anxious
- Cynical
The easiest way to tell the difference between an evolved Virgo and an unevolved Virgo is the way they make you feel. If they make you feel inspired and like you can accomplish or experience great things, you are dealing with an evolved Virgo. If they are overly critical of everything you do, you are dealing with an unevolved Virgo. Evolved Virgos help you grow, unevolved Virgos tend to make you feel incapable of that. Evolved Virgos can laugh off or let go of the little things, unevolved Virgos will get caught up in them.
EVOLVED LIBRA
- Relationship-oriented
- Balanced
- Charming
- Diplomatic
- Fair
UNEVOLVED LIBRA
- Codependent
- People-pleaser
- Flaky
- Indecisive
- Dishonest
Evolved Libras make some of the best partners, friends, and confidants. Unevolved Libras make some of the hardest of the above to maintain. The difference between the two is the Libra's ability to find the balance between their needs and the needs of others. Libras are relationship-oriented people, but unevolved Libras tend to let this trait get the best of them and will be in and out of relationships and never really settle down to figure out what they truly want and need. Evolved Libras love, but will not sacrifice their sense of self in the process.
EVOLVED SCORPIO
- Passionate
- Mysterious
- Intuitive
- Transformative
- Resilient
UNEVOLVED SCORPIO
- Obsessive
- Secretive
- Reclusive
- Destructive
- Ruthless
The difference between an evolved Scorpio and an unevolved Scorpio is their ability to let go. Evolved Scorpios have learned from their past and have made their life better in the process. Unevolved Scorpios hold onto a lot of resentments and often cause themselves or others emotional turmoil. Evolved Scorpios can let people in and make some of the most loyal, protective, and supportive partners. Unevolved Scorpios tend to be very distrustful of others and have a hard time letting go of control in any way or letting people get close to their inner world.
EVOLVED SAGITTARIUS
- Outgoing
- Optimistic
- Spiritual
- Adventurous
- Genuine
UNEVOLVED SAGITTARIUS
- Dramatic
- Brash
- Superiority-complex
- Unreliable
- Careless
The evolved Sagittarius are inspiring, optimistic, and hopeful. The unevolved Sagittarius is just about the complete opposite of that. Evolved Sagittariuses have learned to fuel their adventurous spirit with intentional action rather than recklessness, and are there for their loved ones rather than leaving people hanging or being unreliable. Unevolved Sagittariuses can be very rude and aggressive and will mask this behavior with humor. They can be very harsh, rather than the evolved Sagittarius who is still outgoing, but is also genuine and confident and aligned with their highest self.
EVOLVED CAPRICORN
- Hard-working
- Loyal
- Stable
- Sensible
- Ambitious
UNEVOLVED CAPRICORN
- Workaholic
- Unforgiving
- Rigid
- Stubborn
- Dominating
When you are looking at an evolved Capricorn, you find yourself in the presence of someone loyal, hardworking, and down-to-earth. An unevolved Capricorn can be judgemental and cold, with only their personal goals in mind. Unevolved Capricorns seem to be stuck in the same place in life, and unmoving in what they believe is best for them. Evolved Capricorns are open to feedback and are flexible enough to figure out what is truly best for them, to explore, and to allow someone else to lead them at times. Evolved Capricorns are responsible and productive but take care of their well-being in the process.
EVOLVED AQUARIUS
- Freedom-oriented
- Logical
- Friendly
- Open-minded
- Outgoing
UNEVOLVED AQUARIUS
- Distant
- Cold
- Disloyal
- Detached
- Superiority-complex
Evolved Aquarius and unevolved Aquarius are mirrors of each other. The evolved version of Aquarius is friendly, open-minded, and supportive of not only themselves but of others as well. The unevolved version of Aquarius can be quite distant and detached from their relationships and life altogether and can be hard for people to get close to. Evolved Aquariuses value their independence, but don't use escapist behavior as an excuse for their actions. Unevolved Aquariuses will leave someone on read for months instead of just telling someone how they feel.
EVOLVED PISCES
- Loving
- Intuitive
- Compassionate
- Creative
- Romantic
UNEVOLVED PISCES
- Consuming
- Escapist
- Moody
- Distant
- Unrealistic
Evolved Pisces are the artists, muses, lovers, and dreamers. Unevolved Pisces may have that same creative energy but tend to wear rose-colored glasses that get them into trouble in the process. Pisces are hard to grasp in the first place with their fluid, mutable nature, but an unevolved Pisces will make that distance feel like miles. Unevolved Pisces can get pretty messy and will act out on their emotions without getting the full picture or giving themselves time to sort things through. Evolved Pisces on the other hand, let their emotions inspire them and know how to step into their true power.
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